#34

Let face it. I did this way too much. Meet a girl. Fall for girl. We end up being friends while I believe we were meant for each other. I was trying to find some deeper meaning behind our relationship when in reality, there was no real relationship and honestly, she was more than likely terrible for me. She saw a connection with someone who would make a great friend…

I saw a potential girlfriend and poured my heart and mind into that one girl!

Suddenly every sad song or romantic comedy became a deeper connection to me. I related heavily to then and when I felt bad about not getting the girl; I would console myself. I would watch some typical nice guy on television or in a movie get the girl in the end and I made myself believe that it could happen to me if I just tried a little harder with her.

The reality of it all is that I was consoling myself. I was acting like a boy, not a man. I was wallowing in my self-pity and I became addicted to the emotions associated it with it. And yes, I was acting like a small child because in a way, I was pouting. And pouting is what boys do to get his mother’s attention. Except the attention I was seeking was hoping, in a small way, that she would feel sorry for me enough to like me more as more than just a friend. Which is absolutely absurd and when you think about it, a nice guy’s manipulation tactic that always fails. It’s just plain unattractive.

A huge reason question 34 came to me was because I know from experience that not only does it mean you’re closer to the friend’s zone with the next woman, but you are so far in it, getting out is impossible.

Here is some hard advice on how we can overcome this addiction to that emotional state, or  feedback loop we create when we allow ourselves to let those sad songs or romantic comedies affect our mental state negatively: (It’s best to choose each, one at a time  to solidify the new you and break that loop. It’s the new you that is much better at avoiding the friend’s zone in the future.)

1) This one is obvious and you’re not going to like it but too bad,  STOP DOING IT, NOW!!!!

There is no way to redirect your mind without cutting that loop off. Responding to similar stimuli in the same way over time has created a deep connection. It feels bad, but it feels good. Just like any other unhealthy addiction. Sure the extremity is not the same as an addiction to a drug, but the mind doesn’t know the difference. If your quality of life suffers due to neglect from you, it will eventually leak into other parts of your life. Meaning if you have lots of money, but no health, how long will the money be around when it is spent on maintaining your health. If you have good health and no money to enjoy yourself, eventually your mental health will suffer due to lack of social interaction. If your mental health suffers, which is does when you act like a sulking boy, you will eventually feel bad, maybe stop caring about your job or those that are to you, and you begin to lose money and your social framework.

2) This one isn’t so obvious but you must learn to be more emotionally selfish.

Yes. Selfish! Make that particular woman truly earn her status. Make her earn that emotional response of affection or love from you. Don’t give away something you do not have for yourself. I hate to say it, but loving yourself more and being there more for yourself will in the end, allow you to give more to others.

Ask yourself this questions,

“How many needy people do you know that appear to be mentally healthy complete individuals?”

“Is it possible for someone to be considered needy when they always act like a mature adult?”.

Children are needy because but they do not have a choice. Therefore the need is true. Adults should not. Standing up for yourself in a mature way, learning what independence feels like, and only allowing a love interest to enter your life when they prove themselves worthy of you is real indifference. And it is far from being needy. Number two directly affects your self-esteem.

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

3) Once you’ve gotten closer to achieving those first two, it’s now time to watch those same movies again. Listen to those old songs again. But this time watch them from your new perspective. Learn to objectify them. It’s time to create a new path for those emotions created from them. The path should now be what it was meant for, Entertainment, giving you a little insight, a limited emotional experience to enjoy, and just plain fun. If you want to connect with a song after you’re married that is fine. But for any single person struggling in the dating world those connections associated with being a needy person are bad for attraction. They’re terrible for starting a relationship. And they’re awful at creating something more than a friendship.

You must learn to not allow those emotions to control your actions any more. I believe with,

1.) A good amount of avoidance,

2.) Working on your “selfish-esteem”, and then

3.) Creating new paths and not unhealthy loops,

You will be able to control how they affect you. And that will one huge step in the right direction in becoming a more attractive person.

Thanks for stopping by,

Pete

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This is question 34 from my Friend’s Zone Test.

#34

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