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First dates! You have to love them. It’s the one time you will get to call it the first and we all know it. That alone causes the butterflies of nervousness to run through our bodies. And when we pile on the stress of being impressive or being impressed by our date it can send some people to the other part of their personality. That’s the persona. It’s not really who we are. It’s a front to protect ourselves. It also is the part of us that wants to be seen as attractive. No matter which side is winning that night we are rarely ourselves. Which is not good.

This woman calls me coach. She asks for advice and sometimes I give it to her. She’s this tiny attractive woman with a hell of a sense of humor and I get to watch guys drool over her when we are out. She has this problem though. She dates jerks. She just got out of a two-year relationship and she wants to make sure she does things differently this time. She wants to avoid the mistakes of her past.  But she also to have fun.

She began talking to this guy on Facebook and decides to meet him over a quick dinner. She’s excited but a little scared. This isn’t far off from a single woman’s life but to her it is special. It is something she hasn’t done in years. And in her mind it’s important. So…

She is incredibly nervous!

I was just relaxing when I got her call. She was on her way to the date and just wanted to hear some last-minute advice. It’s been my experience in these situations that she probably didn’t want advice. She just wanted to rationalize her feelings and justify them by saying them out loud to someone who will listen.

She tells me she’s not sure of what to say and is worrying about those uncomfortable silences creeping up and ruining the evening.

She is also not sure if he will pay and of course, (did I mention she is flaky?) she forgets her money and only has ten dollars on her. Not much at all for a meal in New York.

And now she is a total mess. Speaking quickly. Answering herself with more questions. Nervous about anything that pops in her mind about what is going to happen. In her anxious state she is vulnerable and the last thing she feels she wants to show to a first date, is weakness.

I tell her this. Paraphrased of course.

“I don’t feel it’s a man’s responsibility to pay for the date exclusively. I would like you to be upfront about forgetting your money. Just tell him right away. Do it in a funny way if you have to but the other alternative is to have this scared thought running your evening. Always worried about what will happen if he doesn’t pay for it all.”

Of course she doesn’t agree. She feels it is the mans responsibility to pay for the date. Take note of her response for later.

Well that problem went unresolved.

Then I say this to her.

“I  feel it is the man’s role to keep the conversation going. A man should always lead if he wants a woman to find him attractive.”

I’m sure there are exceptions but I’m not interested in those now. I also believe those exceptions are even smaller than most people would assume. What I mean is,  often an attractive man will allow her to believe she is leading during certain circumstances, And she knows it! He’s her safety net so to speak.

She agrees with me and lets me know how much it helped hearing she does not have to bear the responsibility of keeping the conversation going.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net She thanks me as she quickly pulls up to the restaurant/bar and hangs up the phone.

I got the follow-up phone call just as she was driving away. She again thanked me and mentioned he DID find topics to keep the conversation going. He paid for the meal when she went to the bathroom and overall, he was a nice guy. She made it a point to mention how much it relaxed her when I told her any real man, or a man worth seeing again, knows it is his responsibility to lead the conversation.

Longer story than I expected. Stay with me here there is something absolutely wonderful a man or woman can learn this frist date nervousness.

And what is that advice?

Guys…Women are nervous too on that first date. Their thoughts race through their bodies just like yours do. Some will feel insecure. Some will feel just anxious. Some will experience both. But notice the one piece of advice I gave to her that helped her out the most. She wanted him to lead. She felt it made her comfortable knowing he would take charge. And he did. (Well done old chap! Haha! Like my fake British accent?)

I can not emphasize how important it is to lead or to be that leader. To have confidence and the skills to plan effective dates. Even if you plan them out entirely from one step to the next. If you make her feel it is happening naturally she won’t even mind  if she knows it is not. And by creating that amount of comfort with her will enhance even a small spark of attraction.

You will these programs have contained within them the blueprint for creating those steps. I suggest you look into them for less than the cost of an actual date, it’s worth it. Date To Win and The Dating Black Book. Or you can read this great newsletter on

How To Act On The First Date

Ladies…Being nervous is completely natural and having a guy like me around to allow you to vent that anxiousness can be beneficial. I don’t have to remind you about who you will feel attracted towards. Obviously if a guy shows up as his wussy self. If he refuses to lead and shows a complete lack of confidence you won’t feel any attraction towards him at all. That you already know.

But if you don’t want to scare the one away that can handle you and all your emotional states. The one you feel the most attraction for then you must find a way to not allow those feelings of anxiousness to take control of your actions.

If you’re into NLP these two simple and short techniques that can do wonders for you. Guys, you should read them also if your fears are controlling you. Bookmark them and read them later.

How to overcome emotional overwhelm

Life can be stressful. Putting aside the different theories on what causes stress and what exactly it is, we can safely say that stress produces unpleasant feelings in oneself. Feelings and emotions are produced in the mind. So if we change our mind we can change our feelings and our response to stress. Here are five ‘piece of cake’ methods

A Surefire Way To Manage Your Fears While Leading A Happier, Healthier Life

Imagine discovering a way to get rid of your fears in a quick and painless manner. In fact it can even become fun! Did you know only two of all the fears you have are innate: The fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. Most of your fears were learned in early childhood and then in later life under stressful conditions.

Talk to everyone soon and good luck on that next first date,

Be sure to check out part two of this post,

First Date Advice. Who’s More Nervous, you or Him? Part 2. Will She See Him Again?

One more quick note regarding the advertisement at the top of this page. I found them while doing a little research on this post and I’ve posted the articles they allowed me to use to promote their material. The category can be found by clicking here and it will take you to Attraction Transformation. My resource site for dating and relationships. Or you can click on the article title below. Honestly I have no idea what the actual content their product is. I don’t even find their articles very well written but hey, on my other site, I just read, learn, post, and move. Maybe you will find them useful for this particular post.

‘Amy Roberts and Luke Daniels’ Articles from First Date Magic.

Should you have sex on the first date?

Unless you have religious or other strong personal convictions that prevent it, sex is part of most romantic relationships. However we’re not going to get into any of that here – all we’re concerned with is whether it’s a good idea or not to sleep with somebody on the first, or even second date. And unless sex is all you want from your…

The sure signs that there could be a second date.

We found that there are a number of clear signs, that the other person would be keen to see you again. Here are some of the main ones:..

Try an action First Date to light the spark of love.

For one thing, if you’re doing something physical there is often a legitimate excuse for touching your date, say clutching each other in fright on the rollercoaster, or even pushing each other on the swings in the park. This kind of casual, ‘safe’, spontaneous contact helps create a feeling of closeness and intimacy…

Again good luck everyone,

Pete

 

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