Do you have an amazing ability to attract the worst kind of guys into your life?
The type of guys who leave a trail of drama in their wake.
They’re practically perfect when you’re first dating but not long after you decide to commit… they becomes clingy, needy, overbearing, and sometimes borderline controlling.
Maybe they’re “one” way when you meet but suddenly become “someone else” all too quickly.
Perhaps they become distant and uncaring… almost always right after you SLEEP with him making you wonder whether they were into you or your body.
So why DO you fall for these guys?
How about we re-word that question to help us out…
WHY don’t you attract better relationships with REAL men who are not considered losers?
You DO feel attracted to a few good guys – but they never seem to like you back and even if they show a little interest you find a million reasons to question every piece of it.
Eventually he grows tired of it all and disappears forever.
Here are a few “truths” about the relationships every man and woman find themselves in:
- You will find yourself in relationships with those whose self-esteem is equal or extremely close to yours.
- You will feel the most attracted to people who feel the most attractive themselves.
My life has been no exception.
Why did I believe the only women I was NOT attracted to, wanted me the most….? Because my self-esteem was not high enough to believe I could ever do any better.
Why did I always end up feeling more attracted to women who would not feel it back…? Because their self-esteem was either too high or too low for me.
Now before you come back thinking I’m calling you a loser because it does sound like that – All I’m saying is…
If you keep ending up in terrible relationships and attracting the wrong men, it has nothing to do with them “attracting you”.
No matter what they do or say or how they act will go against who they are.
They live by their own beliefs and you live by yours.
If they believe they are not worth it they will find a way to prove it to themselves and everyone around them.
This also applies to you.
Unless you alter or change a belief of low self-worth, you will in all likelihood find yourself with men who feel the same.
Think hard about this…
How many healthy relationships do you see where one partner has high self-esteem and the other does not? It just doesn’t happen.
It’s not that you’re attracting “losers” because you don’t deserve better.
That could NOT be farther from the truth.
In fact the person who rejected you may not feel not worthy of you. These are things you just don’t know and may never find out even though your mind might demand an explanation. The strange thing about our brains is that whether we give it the right clues it will also rationalize the best answer to assure its right.
This might drive you crazy but they will end up with someone they feel is at or near their own level of self-worth.
It had nothing to do with you.
Remember – They were like this before you two even met.
When I teach guys who enjoy success suddenly and then find themselves face to face with an incredible woman. It gives them a boost of confidence and they quickly relate success = better women = more confidence.
But if they continue to think like that they will lose her because they are letting someone else control their self worth.
They feel higher because of her and not because of themselves.
They must believe it was THEM who attracted her in the first place and until they fully internalize this, they will eventually fail in that new relationship.
If you’re a woman who ends up with THAT guy, he finds a way to screw it up.
You find yourself no longer attracted to him but still in love with him and it feels like YOU attracted yet another loser. And because of the love you’re feeling you draw out the relationship longer than it needs to go and try to fix it or worse – fix him!
But since the attraction is gone, really you’re just friends with a sexual past trying to make something more out of it.
I once met this woman who let this slip out in a conversation with me,
“Who would want to marry me?!!”
What do I think she was really saying?
“No guy is good enough for me! If I set the bar high enough I will to prove to myself my reality IS real. I will prove myself right each time.”
Sure her persona laughs it off but inside she feels her self-worth is bloated and not real.
Inside her mind she believed,
“Why would a real cool guy who is in control want to be with someone who loses control all the time? Why would a great man who wants a relationship want it with someone whose unpredictable, moody, and thinks way too much about everything?”
When she begins to question her worth she instantly puts those she’s attracted to above her ( in esteem ) and she’s guaranteeing herself to settle with dating loser after loser after loser…
Now this woman is highly attractive, fun to be around, AND she knows how to flirt.
Her outward self-esteem is high but that is just her persona. Inside she’s a mess always questioning herself, her relationships, and whether or not she deserves anything of what her “looks” have given her.
If you constantly question yourself or your value to the world as a person – If you don’t or rarely feel feel good enough – If you feel your looks have given you undue privileges… Chances are, you’re going to attract men who YOU define as a loser.
What needs to change is not the losers but how high you value yourself and from there you CAN begin to attract those higher quality men AND keep them around too.
Normally, the problem of dating losers is not something which can be externally solved.
Sure you can steer away from putting yourself or allowing yourself to meet the kind of guys who always let you down, that will help.
But unless the problem is met internally you might find yourself back in the same line, in a different place, taking the next available number you might call loser 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7… or wherever you left off last.
I am NOT a therapist BUT I am also NOT a loser.
With that in mind, instead of giving you “advice” you might find laying on a couch somewhere I’m going to give you not only what I KNOW can help you stop attracting losers but also a guy like me “sort of” looks for in a woman plus a little more:
Here is what I would like you to start doing immediately so you can eliminate the losers from your dating life and give yourself a much better chance to stop making the mistakes of the past.
- Find very specific “things” in your life where you don’t feel good about yourself and search for the reasons why they are holding you back.
FOR EXAMPLE: For me, it was my height. I actually believed my “shortness” was holding me back because my mind rationalized ALL women want taller men. This general assumption destroyed my confidence and the value I put on myself but had little to do with my ability to allow women to feel attracted to me.
The Benefit: REAL GUYS desire to be with women who don’t make general assumptions about them and what they might find attractive. LOSERS find themselves desiring women who place blame generally on themselves because “it’s just the way the world is”.
- Take a little time to think back at your past relationships. Make the connection to what I’ve shown you today so you can see past what you felt.
Notice how the past problems had little to do with the loser himself but had more to do with your own problems of self-esteem.
Perhaps maybe it felt like he was always putting you down. Maybe he reinforced the negative beliefs you had in yourself. Maybe it always seemed like he only noticed your worst traits and rarely focused on your strengths as a woman and ow you could make him feel.
STEP BACK and OBJECTIFY what was probably really going on: He felt worthless and was bent on making those around him feel just as shitty as him. As long as he “kept you down” his low self-worth made it easier for him to believe he could keep you around longer.
The benefit: The immediate realization when you first meet a guy he will project his problems or view of the world on you. As your esteem increases his skill of judgement will have less impact on you.
We ALL project. REAL men look for women who are less affected by how others see them.
- For now, until things change – stay away from the places where you have typically met the “bad” men in your life.
Stop the cycle from where it begins and find “new” places to frequent.
Yes it’s work but you’d be surprised how the type of guys change from place to place.
- Start opening yourself up to meeting men where you would least expect it and where they are NOT on they’re guard or even their best behavior or face in not showing.
- Start trusting your intuition about men more because more often than not it’s right.
It you let it go too long AND you follow your attraction blindly it can lead you back down to loser road before you even realized it happened.
- Stay away from sharing your insecurities around guys hoping they’ll like you anyways. This is called “negative” approval seeking and it often only attracts men a lower self worth or guys who feel bad about themselves too.
- Stop settling because of fears revolving around losing time with a guy or because you’re afraid of failing. Fear is all much much of a driving force in many of our lives. Sure it has good reason but when it comes to relationships and finding better men – it often puts us on a path self-destruction.
- Show as much self-responsibility as you can and understand you do not control the outcome of everything in your life.
You’re NOT a loser because you fail. You become a “loser” when you try the same thing over and over again hoping this time it’s going to be different.
Mistakes are great teachers to build new success IF they are sued to gain understanding and not used as another reason to hate ourselves.
- Start being more selfish about yourself and your personal goals. Understand this profound statement…
The more you have – the more you have to give to a happy, healthy, and fulfilling relationship.
Take the kind advice of some pretty smart people who are always willing to help you see yourself dating anything but another loser:
- How To Show Him You’re A Great Catch, Who You Are & Put Yourself First – Rori Raye at The Approach
- How To Be The Girl That Guys Want To Date – Mirabelle Summers at The Approach
There’s one more way to think about all this “attracting losers” but it’s not something I came up with.
Just the best piece of advice you’ll ever read get on this subject…
You don’t attract the wrong men, you accept the wrong men.
If you consistently find yourself in relationships with liars, cheaters, addicts, leeches, or commitment phobes, your job isn’t to get them to stop lying, cheating, drinking, mooching or flaking.
Your job is to leave.
You’ll never stop attracting the wrong men, but starting now, you can stop ACCEPTING their bad behavior… and save yourself years of heartbreak and pain.
I like the article so much I posted for my Why Do Guys…? members to read. If you follow that link you can read it entirely in the archives. Please do, it’s just that wonderful.
You can go straight to the source of who wrote it and what he can do for you and your relationships with men right here –> Evan Marc Katz – Understand Men, Find Love
No matter what you do from here on out – I DO wish you the best of success in all your relationships.
I may not have abolished all the losers from ever entering your life but I do hope you understand better what is really going on, that I’ve given you some solid advice to get through it all AND maybe, just maybe, the opportunity to never worry about dating another loser again.