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Do You Only Attract Loser Men? Here’s Why and How to Stop Doing It

in For Women, Growing
Are you only attracting losers?

Do you have an amazing ability to attract the worst kind of guys into your life?

The type of guys who leave a trail of drama in their wake.

They’re practically perfect when you’re first dating but not long after you decide to commit… they becomes clingy, needy, overbearing, and sometimes borderline controlling.

Maybe they’re “one” way when you meet but suddenly become “someone else” all too quickly.

Perhaps they become distant and uncaring… almost always right after you SLEEP with him making you wonder whether they were into you or your body.

So why DO you fall for these guys?

How about we re-word that question to help us out…

WHY don’t you attract better relationships with REAL men who are not considered losers?

You DO feel attracted to a few good guys –  but they never seem to like you back and even if they show a little interest you find a million reasons to question every piece of it.

Eventually he grows tired of it all and disappears forever.

Here are a few “truths” about the relationships every man and woman find themselves in:

  • You will find yourself in relationships with those whose self-esteem is equal or extremely close to yours.
  • You will feel the most attracted to people who feel the most attractive themselves.

My life has been no exception.

Why did I believe the only women I was NOT attracted to, wanted me the most….? Because my self-esteem was not high enough to believe I could ever do any better.

Why did I always end up feeling more attracted to women who would not feel it back…? Because their self-esteem was either too high or too low for me.

“I keep attracting losers – should I give up on finding a partner now that I am in my mid 4os?… Who Will You Be Tomorrow If You Don’t Make Yourself Happy Today?… The Approach

Now before you come back thinking I’m calling you a loser because it does sound like that –  All I’m saying is…

If you keep ending up in terrible relationships and attracting the wrong men, it has nothing to do with them “attracting you”.

No matter what they do or say or how they act will go against who they are.

They live by their own beliefs and you live by yours.

If they believe they are not worth it they will find a way to prove it to themselves and everyone around them.

This also applies to you.

Unless you alter or change a belief of low self-worth, you will in all likelihood find yourself with men who feel the same.

Think hard about this…

How many healthy relationships do you see where one partner has high self-esteem and the other does not? It just doesn’t happen.

It’s not that you’re attracting “losers” because you don’t deserve better.

That could NOT be farther from the truth.

In fact the person who rejected you may not feel not worthy of you. These are things you just don’t know and may never find out even though your mind might demand an explanation. The strange thing about our brains is that whether we give it the right clues it will also rationalize the best answer to assure its right.

This might drive you crazy but they will end up with someone they feel is at or near their own level of self-worth.

It had nothing to do with you.

Remember – They were like this before you two even met.

When I teach guys who enjoy success suddenly and then find themselves face to face with an incredible woman. It gives them a boost of confidence and they quickly relate success = better women = more confidence.

But if they continue to think like that they will lose her because they are letting someone else control their self worth.

They feel higher because of her and not because of themselves.

They must believe it was THEM who attracted her in the first place and until they fully internalize this, they will eventually fail in that new relationship.

If you’re a woman who ends up with THAT guy, he finds a way to screw it up.

You find yourself no longer attracted to him but still in love with him and it feels like YOU attracted yet another loser. And because of the love you’re feeling you draw out the relationship longer than it needs to go and try to fix it or worse – fix him!

But since the attraction is gone, really you’re just friends with a sexual past trying to make something more out of it.

I once met this woman who let this slip out in a conversation with me,

Who would want to marry me?!!

What do I think she was really saying?

“No guy is good enough for me! If I set the bar high enough I will to prove to myself my reality IS real. I will prove myself right each time.”

Sure her persona laughs it off but inside she feels her self-worth is bloated and not real.

Inside her mind she believed,

“Why would a real cool guy who is in control want to be with someone who loses control all the time? Why would a great man who wants a relationship want it with someone whose unpredictable, moody, and thinks way too much about everything?”

When she begins to question her worth she instantly puts those she’s attracted to above her ( in esteem ) and she’s guaranteeing herself to settle with dating loser after loser after loser…

Now this woman is highly attractive, fun to be around, AND she knows how to flirt.

Her outward self-esteem is high but that is just her persona. Inside she’s a mess always questioning herself, her relationships, and whether or not she deserves anything of what her “looks” have given her.

If you constantly question yourself or your value to the world as a person – If you don’t or rarely feel feel good enough – If you feel your looks have given you undue privileges… Chances are, you’re going to attract men who YOU define as a loser.

“He acts attentive, excited, and completely into you while you’re dating but soon after the relationship begins, you find yourself with… A typical loser guy. Why Do Some Guys Turn Into Losers AFTER You Start Dating Them?… The Approach

What needs to change is not the losers but how high you value yourself and from there you CAN begin to attract those higher quality men AND keep them around too.

Normally, the problem of dating losers is not something which can be externally solved.

Sure you can steer away from putting yourself or allowing yourself to meet the kind of guys who always let you down, that will help.

But unless the problem is met internally you might find yourself back in the same line, in a different place, taking the next available number you might call loser 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7… or wherever you left off last.

I am NOT a therapist BUT I am also NOT a loser.

With that in mind, instead of giving you “advice” you might find laying on a couch somewhere I’m going to give you not only what I KNOW can help you stop attracting losers but also a guy like me “sort of” looks for in a woman plus a little more:

Here is what I would like you to start doing immediately so you can eliminate the losers from your dating life and give yourself a much better chance to stop making the mistakes of the past.

  • Find very specific “things” in your life where you don’t feel good about yourself and search for the reasons why they are holding you back.

FOR EXAMPLE: For me, it was my height. I actually believed my “shortness” was holding me back because my mind rationalized ALL women want taller men. This general assumption destroyed my confidence and the value I put on myself but had little to do with my ability to allow women to feel attracted to me.

The Benefit: REAL GUYS desire to be with women who don’t make general assumptions about them and what they might find attractive. LOSERS find themselves desiring women who place blame generally on themselves because “it’s just the way the world is”.

  • Take a little time to think back at your past relationships. Make the connection to what I’ve shown you today so you can see past what you felt.

Notice how the past problems had little to do with the loser himself but had more to do with your own problems of self-esteem.

Perhaps maybe it felt like he was always putting you down. Maybe he reinforced the negative beliefs you had in yourself. Maybe it always seemed like he only noticed your worst traits and rarely focused on your strengths as a woman and ow you could make him feel.

STEP BACK and OBJECTIFY what was probably really going on: He felt worthless and was bent on making those around him feel just as shitty as him. As long as he “kept you down” his low self-worth made it easier for him to believe he could keep you around longer.

The benefit: The immediate realization when you first meet a guy he will project his problems or view of the world on you. As your esteem increases his skill of judgement will have less impact on you.

We ALL project. REAL men look for women who are less affected by how others see them.

  • For now, until things change – stay away from the places where you have typically met the “bad” men in your life.

Stop the cycle from where it begins and find “new” places to frequent.

Yes it’s work but you’d be surprised how the type of guys change from place to place.

  • Start opening yourself up to meeting men where you would least expect it and where they are NOT on they’re guard or even their best behavior or face in not showing.
  • Start trusting your intuition about men more because more often than not it’s right.

It you let it go too long AND you follow your attraction blindly it can lead you back down to loser road before you even realized it happened.

  • Stay away from sharing your insecurities around guys hoping they’ll like you anyways. This is called “negative” approval seeking and it often only attracts men a lower self worth or guys who feel bad about themselves too.
  • Stop settling because of fears revolving around losing time with a guy or because you’re afraid of failing. Fear is all much much of a driving force in many of our lives. Sure it has good reason but when it comes to relationships and finding better men – it often puts us on a path self-destruction.
  • Show as much self-responsibility as you can and understand you do not control the outcome of everything in your life.

You’re NOT a loser because you fail. You become a “loser” when you try the same thing over and over again hoping this time it’s going to be different.

Mistakes are great teachers to build new success IF they are sued to gain understanding and not used as another reason to hate ourselves.

  • Start being more selfish about yourself and your personal goals. Understand this profound statement…

The more you have – the more you have to give to a happy, healthy, and fulfilling relationship.

Take the kind advice of some pretty smart people who are always willing to help you see yourself dating anything but another loser:

There’s one more way to think about all this “attracting losers” but it’s not something I came up with.

Just the best piece of advice you’ll ever read get on this subject…

You don’t attract the wrong men, you accept the wrong men.

If you consistently find yourself in relationships with liars, cheaters, addicts, leeches, or commitment phobes, your job isn’t to get them to stop lying, cheating, drinking, mooching or flaking.

Your job is to leave.

You’ll never stop attracting the wrong men, but starting now, you can stop ACCEPTING their bad behavior… and save yourself years of heartbreak and pain.

Keeping a Man Interested in You and What To Do With The Right One

I like the article so much I posted for my Why Do Guys…? members to read. If you follow that link you can read it entirely in the archives. Please do, it’s just that wonderful.

You can go straight to the source of who wrote it and see what he can do for you and your relationships with men right here –> Evan Marc Katz – Understand Men, Find Love. He has a great free advice panel I highly recommend.

No matter what you do from here on out – I DO wish you the best of success in all your relationships.

I may not have abolished all the losers from ever entering your life but I do hope you understand better what is really going on, that I’ve given you some solid advice to get through it all AND maybe, just maybe, the opportunity to never worry about dating another loser again.


Free DiaLteG TM Dating & Attraction Newsletter…


Join today for an upfront, honest and real look into the world of attracting women.

No, there will not be any free beer or hot women screaming and begging you to drink up but just more tips, deals, updates, and everything is centered around making you a more attractive guy.

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14 comments… add one
  • Natalie

    It’s funny. The reason I found this site was I realized my last boyfriend (the loser) who thought he was treating me great, but really wasn’t – his name was Peter Gray. Almost like your name, but a different color. 🙂

    • Nice. I hope you sent him to my site. I’m sure he would like to meet the ‘bizarro‘ form of himself. Haha!

      Wait…so you met this guy. You thought he was someone he was not. He believed he was better than he actual was. So you went out and searched for ‘loser Petes’ on the internet…. and you found me. I beg your pardon Miss Natalie, I’m a jerk, not a loser. 😉 Let’s keep that straight now.

  • Karley

    I feel like this article is about me

  • Miss.

    Great write up! “You will find yourself in relationships with people who’s self-esteem matches yours”. That’s bang on the money!! Both men & women eveal themselves a lot each time you speak with them. Have to pay attention to the warning signs.

    I had an interesting one where I had met a man who was a chef and getting all that in place. Come to find out, he’s a pimp and was upfront about it & taking the money to dump into his business. No thanx!!

  • Seriously

    Losers will stay with Losers, a perfect match.

  • Emma

    Just read this article and think it raises some good points but what about women who have healthy self esteem but still end up dating losers? I’m really happy with myself and when I realise a guy doesn’t have much to offer I’ll walk. It just seems the older and more grounded I get, the more flaky and emotionally unstable the men I meet are. I definitely agree that they are attracted to me partly because they think I will boost their self esteem but realise they have very little to offer. I’ve met most of these guys online ( Tinder is toxic stay away) but other than that I rarely meet guys out and about. Any advice anyone? Thanks 🙂

    • Hello Emma,

      Thanks for sharing.

      I suppose the dilemma of a woman with a healthy self-esteem ending up dating losers comes down to a few things… first making bad choices in the beginning. Who knows, maybe looking too much into the superficial offerings of a guy as a basis for getting to know them. I’m sure that happens but I’d say it’s more about a second reason…

      People with high self-esteem might feel a need to bring others up to their status… thinking they can change someone… thinking they’ll work through their problems eventually, and as you said, you only end up giving “that” guy a false sense of confidence which just can not last.

      SO I would first look at your criteria for choosing to date a guy, even if it’s just one date.

      Then I would look into a possible need to help or change others by offering them something better, you. I think you’ll find lots of women do this. They, out of a habit or a need to be the nurturer find themselves more attracted and more likely to offer a date to a guy who might not show the need for it at first, but eventually, the truth comes out.

      Meaning your instinctual urge to be a nurturer may be pointing you in the wrong direction.

      Start looking for guys who appear at every angle to have their shit together.

      Every last detail. Don’t over scrutinize or judge harshly, just learn how to spot more early signs to clue you in on what you might be in for before you even accept a date.

      Also, being flaky is not really uncommon. All people struggle balancing life and some of us get sucked down the wrong road way too often and our minds just avoid having to deal with it all by losing some memories. So you could overlook this problem IF it’s just a matter of his lack of focus sometimes AND/OR by not taking it so personal.

      Now you’ll probably find “the emotionally unstable guys” tend to be a little more interesting at first. Like it almost seems he’s just a passionate guy who cares. This could suck you in all to easily. Everything seems to go great until you get sucked into his drama of past girlfriend and limiting doubts about himself.

      To avoid them altogether, you need to use different guidelines or qualification techniques.

      Evan Marc Katz talks about how instant chemistry with a guy might be pulling you in the wrong direction. The guy shows you some passion, you hit it off with lots of fun flirting and it feels so good to really connect with him on that level, and the next thing you realize you just made another bad choice because it felt so good in the beginning.

      Sure feelings DO matter and they always will BUT how and when and the decisions you make will impact the type of relationship you have or the guy you end up with.

      Sometimes it’s just a matter of steeping back just a little when before, you would move forward, and allow yourself to consider what’s going to happen, and then sometimes it’s about dating guy who you might not feel the fire and tension and sparks fly immediately, but given some time, a few dates or more, seeing IF they develop or not.

      I find lots of women tend to go right for the fire or sparks, and then tend to get too deep and struggle getting out because of that.

      Sure go with your heart in the end, but don’t base your choices on just chemistry or emotional highs.

      Seek a slow steady rise of sexual tension and (things like that) if it doesn’t happen, who knows, maybe he’s make a great friend.

      Hope all that helps you a little and I DO wish you the best of luck,


  • Honestly

    Loser guys go with Loser women, a wonderful match.

  • Progressing

    I used to be drawn to addicts like a magnet. There were times that I dated guys who weren’t using or drinking in front of me, and over time, their addictions rose to the surface. I started going to Al-Anon which is a recovery group for the friends and family members of alcoholics. I hadn’t realized it, but I was raised in an alcoholic home and my parents had a lot of money and ran a business, and they didn’t have enough time to give me the love that I so desperately needed and wanted as a child. I had no idea that I was replaying the family dynamic I had grown up in as an adult in my dating life. Once I realized what I was doing and did a lot of healing, I see that I can’t fix anybody. I recognize the signs of manipulation and addiction fast, and I shut the door as soon as I see it. I definitely want a healthier sustaining relationship.

    Even though there’s been MAJOR progress, I still date scruffy guys! My last boyfriend who I got engaged to was a mechanic, and I’m a teacher. My family wanted more for me, but I really admired him and respected his trade. He ended up cheating on me, but here’s the thing: I left his ass! I will not be dishonored or tolerate disrespect. My progress reflects in the actions I took when I found out that he dishonored me. The old me would have stayed.

    Next time, I’m going to listen to my family. haha! If they don’t like a guy for me, I trust them enough to know that they love me dearly and if I can’t see that a guy isn’t good for me, well at least they can. I suck at choosing guys, I admit it. I see the best in people and overlook important things.

  • Paul

    What about the women that are Attracted to the bad boy type of guys today? More and more women now are going for these type of men which really makes them such Idiots all together. And it is very obvious why many of us Nice guys do finish last.

  • Nickmcnj

    Most women enter codependent relationships. Thats why nice men finish last.

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