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Friends or Lovers: Do Real Men Cuddle?

in Experience, For Women
Woman Sleeping and getting ready to cuddle?

The interview I did with my good friend DeAnna was done and after the books were closed we ended up getting into a discussion about men cuddling…

It’s no secret that women love to cuddle and she is no exception.

But what about friends cuddling?

Well I can tell you this… I don’t hang out with a “guy friend” and end up spooning over a discussion of our sex lives.

It just doesn’t happen.

Here is my take on this “cuddlig” thing…

A man will share a bed with a woman when it is necessary but he will not cuddle with an attractive woman unless:

He is terrible with women and always in the friends zone with them.


He is secretly in love with her and getting closer to her means he will put himself in any position where sex might just accidentally happen.

DeAnna didn’t disagree and was quite curious.

It seemed like she didn’t know something which I believed was a given. A Fact about men and women.

As if every man she cuddled with was there to get warmth and to “hang out.”

Here’s the difference:

  • REAL or at least intimately friendly men DO cuddle when they are with their lover.
  • Nice guys cuddle when they wish to MAKE a woman their lover and don’t know what or how to do it.

I HAVE shared a bed with a woman many times before and just so those women know, since I don’t do the nice guy “manipulation” any more, I wanted each one of them so badly I would give up anything including my self-respect just to put myself close to them…

While at the same time hoping something “else” would happen.

Some do believe that friends makes the best lovers but as far as I’m concerned only two kinds of people believe that…

Women and Wussies.

How do I know that?

Well first of all a woman raised me.

The only male role model in my life that was good with women was my brother. It’s no surprise he was much too concerned with getting laid and treating me like a pain in the ass little brother than teaching me how he did it.

I turned into part wussy and part woman. The exact percentage is not very clear.

Yet being an optimistic person and I would hate to have a bunch of good guys out there thinking how they feel my pain and and that it was a bad thing.

Because it was not.

You see the wussy part of me learned a ton from my experiences and it took me a long time to finally see the advantages…

1. How to talk to a hot woman with absolutely no fear.

It’s easy to talk to a girl if you are one.

I’ve had many “deep” conversations where there was no nervousness involved with approaching them or just starting a conversation.

Of course I didn’t know my conversations were putting me in the friends zone just left to cuddle. I thought we were really connecting.

The disadvantage is quite clear and that’s not being able to create or amplify a woman’s attraction just through conversation. Confusing connection with chemistry and attraction.

2. How to listen to a woman speak.

Reading between her lines.

Her “secret” innuendos.

All those clues women love to give out hoping we’ll get the hint. The ones where, if we miss too many during we end up in the friend zone.

Listening to women this way is a HUGE Advantage over other guys who may not be very good at it.

The disadvantage is again, getting sucked into just being friends because we’re too much of a listener and less of an “interaction.”

We become her “go to guy” when she’s having problem with the men she DOES sleep with.

Becoming a non-sexual friend as she spouts out without worry every last detail of her terrible experiences with the guys she has sex with.

So do “real” men cuddle with their friends

If you’re still asking this question I’ll assume you’re a woman… Nice to meet you. 😀

You may be wondering how he feels about you because he cuddled with you.

You may even be attracted to him and hoping he feels the same way but for some reason he won’t make a move on you.

You put out all the signals you can but they continue to go over his head.

My gut tells me that to find the truth out here… You must make the first move.

Hell you got him in bed… You’re not going to get any closer or have a better opportunity to do it.

If your subtle hints are not working and you assume he is not attracted to you, he’s NOT going to change anytime soon.

If you’re spooning then reach back for his hand, make sure you notice where it is, grab it and wrap it around you.

That’s all. Just hold his hand softly. Don’t squeeze. That can feel like a “I need comfort” move.

After you’ve held his hand for a short time, turn and lay on your back. Then turn your head to face his. Look at him like you want a kiss.

From here things will either go one way or another.

Men DO cuddle with their lovers and nice guys DO cuddle with women they wish to BE their lover.

This may be all generally spoken and some of us can easily fall outside those lines, especially in other social environments outside my reach but…

As a guidleine to follow I believe many of us will find the truth underneath the covers. 😉

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16 comments… add one
  • Georgia

    if I cuddle with someone I need to like them.

    • peter white

      Me too Georgia. 🙂

  • Robynn

    Ok so im stuck in a situation… My friend (Cody) came back into my life. Now he seems to think were best friends. I dont. He has known from the moment we meet two years ago, that im attracted to him. So casualy we start hangin out again, then he starts staying with me. So I take him in, I care. Well we start to cuddle every single night!! Like wake up and were tangled up in each other style! As a girl, 23 years old on the bigger side. Im insecure and venerable. But very out spoken. So I told him how I felt. He replied with the whole “Robynn, Im a piece of sh** as a boy friend, im a di**, blah blaah blah!!! But ur the only girl I trust and care about in this world. I dont wanna hurt you. Why do u want me? What about me is so great?” I reply with “Idk, I just do.” while crying… Then things got a lil wierd, but still cuddle!! So, I wrote him a letter. Left a note sayin: If u really wanna know why you, you must find it first! {left clues all around my house corny ones that rhymed super funny) so he found the letter but didn’t read it held onto it. and then later on that night left. I asked him later that night if he read it yet, he said no. I told him I was.sorry for growing such feelings, he replied with I love you. I said I love you too just in a def way. No response. Woke up told him I missed him, he said I miss you too. Went to work, texted him and said do me a favor just throw the letter away. (not thinking he “really would”) just tryin to remind him about it. He never came home again. I text him once I got home, asked him if had read it yet….? He relies with you told me to throw it away. I say wow explain myself a,lil more and how I put alot of thought into it, and blah blah blah now hes ignoring me. I feel like im going crazy!!! :'( I dont know what to say, feel, or do. I think im falling in love with him! I love and adore every stupid little thing about him!!! Hes constantly on my mind when im around him, its like nothing else matters!!! Help please! I cant lose him but I cant just be his friend!!!! 🙁

    • peter white

      Hello Robynn,

      Sorry to hear about your situation.

      I still firmly believe, “real men do not cuddle with women who are not their lovers” and therefore, by that statement you found a guy who is claiming he is NOT a real man.

      Which explains (in part I might add) the cuddling, the “I’m a piece of shit”, “I only will hurt you” excuses.

      You see, once a guy realizes the cuddling is doing more harm than good for you, his only “real” option is to pull away before more damage is done.

      I want to be completely candid here – just like when a woman tells a guy she doesn’t want to ruin a friendship – or how he’s a nice guy but – or uses all sorts of reasons to let a guy down easy – the man version has been known to be:

      “I’m not good enough for you. I’ll only hurt you.” Etc…

      Unfortunately it usually means I’m not feeling the same way as you are. So instead of being real and honest because “I’m scared to hurt your feelings” or probably in his case “I don’t want to lose my cuddle buddy” they in turn take the blame to let you down easy.

      Which as you have already found out – actually makes it worse. It confuses you. It causes you to write letters or reveal your most private and deep feelings AND it actually causes you to like or love him even more.

      As I’ve instructed many women NOT to do when you’re unsure about a guy. And that’s reveal how you feel completely based on the best advice out there:

      (Please read it when you can. I’m hoping it will explain better on why he’s pulling back now and a little more.)

      Now I hate leave you like this – personally – if he knows you’re attracted to him and still decided to cuddle to satisfy his own “security” issues regardless of the affect it’s having on you – he’s not doing the right thing at all.

      I know that’s not going to change how you feel about him.

      But I’m hoping with this new information, and a very honest answer from me, you can first stop something like this from ever happening again and second – so you can begin to heal, move on, and move up to a more self-secured 24 year old women who vulnerability is not thought of as a problem but a perfectly human response to what can be a scary world.

      Vulnerable mean you care.

      Outspoken means you have strong opinions.

      Being bigger can simply mean it may be time for a lifestyle change and nothing more. (Depending on your personal situation of course.)

      And I can almost guarantee none of those three items makes you less attractive to some men, just the same as my short ass has very little to do with how attractive I am. (To those who deserve us :D)

      We can both admit to ourselves that there is no way we’ll attract 100% of everyone we want without it meaning we’re unattractive. Right?

      I understand you’re confused and how you’re experiencing so much that it’s making solid decisions tough – but I also understand how you were completely able to write here very clearly how you felt and what was happening.

      Which tells me explicitly how strong and stable you really are despite what you’re feelings AND which tells me you’ll get through it all better and more resourceful.

      Wishing the best of everything for you Robynn,


  • Hannah

    Hi Pete,
    I read your article and found it very interesting. Hearing a male’s point of view on this topic was enlightening. If you have a minute to give your thoughts on my situation it would be greatly appreciated.
    I’ve recently come to university and made a number of new friends. I have very little experience with the opposite sex other than friendly relations so when someone asked me out on a date after a month of knowing me I panicked and fled. He was great about it though and has since become an incredibly close friend. We talk about everything including our problems, fears and insecurities. I’ve never been able to call someone my best friend before but he openly tells people I am his ‘bestie’, his ‘sister’ and he loves me, truly. I really care about him and in ways regretted my quick rejection. But I’d never want to hurt him – especially now he has a girlfriend.
    Things have moved quickly between them and, despite some initial suppressed jealousy from me, I am happy for them both and have done my best to help them through any relationship struggles they’ve had so far, over first arguments, jealousy and trust issues. My friend finds me ‘cute’, an anomaly in a way since he is so experienced and I haven’t even been kissed at age 19, and he has told me multiple times that he would kiss me etc. if I wished to build my confidence. A weird something to do for a friend in a way but I know he means well. In any case, I would and have refused every time since I would never wish to hurt him and complicate matters with his girlfriend. In my view the consequences would be too great and, even if he thinks it is okay, it would weigh too much on my conscience.
    The first time he asked about cuddling and sleeping over I ignored it. The second time I told him all of my concerns that could arise from his sleeping with another girl and he accepted that, even after okaying it with his girlfriend (who has told him that she likes me and I’m too ‘lovely’ to hate but her friends are less convinced). Despite this, he slept over mine the other night after watching films. We shared a bed and chatted and played all night, extremely intimately. He tried to kiss me more times than I could count but it was just a game and I repeatedly told him I wouldn’t let him even if I wanted it due to the consequences. He understands this and it wasn’t awkward at all. I just don’t know if I’m doing the right thing anyway.
    He wants to stay with me again but I’m concerned about whether it could affect his relationship and our friendship. I love him and I would never want to be the cause of any pain. In your article you concluded ‘Men DO cuddle with their lovers and nice guys DO cuddle with women they wish to BE their lover.’ I am neither in this situation – my friend is just an incredibly close friend, described himself as my brother, who has a girlfriend, yet he is the one who wants to snuggle with me and spoon till the early hours. I guess I would appreciate someone else’s point of view on this. Is my friend looking for something more like you suggest, in spite of his having a girlfriend who he loves, or is our case the exception to the rule in your article and totally innocent cuddles? I feel like I need to know so I can decide how to act in the future. I know he wants to stay again soon but I wouldn’t want to do anything that compromises our friendship or hurts him.
    Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it’s long but I know so little about relationships and I feel I have stumbled into something more complicated. If you respond I would be very grateful; if not, thank you for writing such an insightful article anyway.

    • Hi Hannah,

      Yes, as far as I’m concerned your friend IS looking for something more with you and since he has a girlfriend he gets to take all the time he needs until you come around.

      Whether or not it’s a scheme or plan of his is not something I can tell you for obvious reasons… I don’t know him personally.

      But I DO know guys, and have some experience watching relationships and the ability to read them which includes your relationship with him and his relationship with his girlfriend.

      For example, you said they’ve already had some fighting, they’ve had some trust issues, AND there’s been some jealousy. Now, he’s coming to you “to cuddle with” and as far as I’m concerned if his girlfriend is not the primary source of that intimacy, something’s not right or will go wrong eventually.

      Imagine if your “boyfriend” was sleeping in some other girls bed who he claimed was his “best friend” so it’s okay… how would that make you feel.

      And just so you know… I NEVER try to kiss my best friend. Sure he’s a dude and all but you have to admit friendships don’t always have sexual orientation boundaries. Meaning man or woman, it doesn’t matter. Best friends who do that MUST be interested in THAT kind of intimacy.

      I stand by my article, “Men DO cuddle with their lovers and nice guys DO cuddle with women they wish to BE their lover.”

      Keep in mind something very important I wrote above, “Since he has a girlfriend he gets to take all the time he needs until you come around.”

      Girlfriends are not guaranteed to last and as sad as it is, lots of marriages fail too.

      Put yourself in HER shoes. Ask yourself why he would need to cuddle with you and as I quote from you, “He tried to kiss me more times than I could count but it was just a game.”

      Consider the “trust issues” they’ve had, the jealousy, AND the fact YOU rejected him before she came along and I believe you’ll find the answer you’re looking for.

      Wishing you all the best of luck and I do hope everything works out for the best for all of you,


  • Maria

    I’m so confused I need help. my brothers best friend and I use to be good friends until one day he held my hand I was 18, I just turned 19. From then on when our group would go clubbing we’d all go to bed he’ll come to my room and cuddle me all night long and kiss me for hours, and hold me tightly against him and will get jealous if other guys talk to me. But then we’d wake up in the morning like nothing ever happened. It’s happened like that for over a year. We’re both stubborn and both good at poker faces and also extremely talented of hiding our emotions from one another. Can you tell me what’s wrong, is he inlove with me or what?

    • Hello Maria,

      I can’t tell you if he’s in love with you. Obviously he likes you or he would not be kissing you in your bed.

      It sounds like to me you have a “friends with benefits” relationship. It also sounds like, I’m guessing here, that he’s afraid to make this thing public because he’s your brothers best friend. You might want to think about that angle as a good reason as to why he acts like nothing happened after.

      I would also consider both of your poker faces are getting a little out of hand. Stubborn, fine, but hiding your emotions for over a year…? You might want to consider why this thing needs to be hidden and while your in bed with him… talk to him about it.

      That’s just my opinion. Hope it helps you,


  • ashley

    Do men cuddle w fwb or f*** buddies? Or is that something men really only do if they are into a girl?

    • Yes Ashley. Men definitely will cuddle if and when sex is involved. This article implies “just friends” so if you’re being intimate with a guy, then cuddling is certainly more than possible. It might even be expected.

  • Molly

    Hey Pete,
    I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over two months. I know that isn’t a long period but I feel we are entirely devoted to each other. We really should have got together long before and would have had I not been reluctant. We talk about our future all the time, very seriously – about the immediate years and how we will make things work but also about our kids and growing old together. He asked me to marry him and I said yes since I couldn’t see myself with anyone else. Nevertheless, I was surprised when he presented a ring to me – nothing expensive for now, but something as a symbol just for us of how much we mean to each other. Obviously we haven’t told anyone of this – they’d think us crazy, we are 19 and have known each other less than a year. Yet he has met my family (I haven’t met his) and we have a holiday in Paris booked for a month and a half’s time. This is my first serious relationship and sometimes I worry we have moved too quickly, especially since he has had relationships before (although he says they were completely different to what we share now) and they have affected his mental health to a degree, meaning that I am extremely conscious of not hurting him. I know he lost a lot of friends after his girlfriend of 2 years ago cheated on him and they took her side over his. He is fragile and I cannot hurt him.
    The biggest regret I have in our relationship is how quickly it began. Since I turned him down originally, repeatedly, he found solace in another girlfriend. However, his feelings for me were too strong and ended their relationship. In this time, he spent three nights with me in which we cuddled, nothing more, but did ultimately lead to his break up with his girlfriend. I had tried to keep them together since I thought it best for him and when they did break up I was determined not to start anything serious with him until I was certain his feelings for his ex were gone. Unfortunately in just over a week we were together privately and, although no one else knew as we wanted to keep things quiet for a while, for us we were in a serious relationship. And it has been wonderful. Truly.
    In this time I know my boyfriend has continued speaking to his ex just as frequently as he would speak to me. Understandable since they parted friends and she also had no idea we were together. I know that she could be quite flirtatious and I have been told some of the things she said to my boyfriend but he has assured me there was no encouragement on his part and he remained neutral to her advances. She now knows that we are together and I thought the communications subsided somewhat. Despite me having nothing against her, I do feel intimidated by her and will avoid her if I can.
    Last weekend we had gone out with friends and unfortunately I had to look after a friend who got into a panicked state. I had seen my boyfriend talking to his ex and decided to keep out their way but after an hour of us being separated and me looking after my friend outside, he told me he had decided to go home alone. I found out the next day that his ex invited him over and they had done shots (he did say to me that he thought maybe she was trying to get him more drunk) and then they spent the night together. I was told it was only a friendly thing and since I felt bad about abandoning him I didn’t communicate any unease.
    This week my boyfriend went to the bar with his friends and then came back to mine incredibly drunk. I have a nut allergy and since he had eaten nuts I told him that he could stay, that I wanted him to stay, but he couldn’t kiss me. This frustrated him and he said he wanted to return to his if he couldn’t kiss me or anything, didn’t trust himself not to. I am ashamed to say that I begged him to stay and he called me manipulative in what I was saying. I knew he was drunk and therefore couldn’t be held responsible too much for what he was saying. Eventually I said if he wanted to go home then he could but that I wanted to walk back with him to check he was okay. After he got frustrated with this too I allowed him to return home alone. We messaged each other before bed, he saying, although he was more blunt in his drunken state, that he missed me, hated being apart from me and that he hoped I slept okay. Ten minutes later he told me that he was no longer in his own bed but was staying the night at his ex’s. I knew I couldn’t argue and let him sleep.
    The next morning I received several very apologetic messages from him. About how he regretted not staying at mine, that he was sorry for how he acted, that he felt awful. He came over and was even more so apologetic. He said that he thought he was with me when he woke and nuzzled his ex’s shoulder which surprised her. He didn’t realise where he was, why he was there. I told him that I couldn’t be hypocritical as he had stayed at mine when he was in another relationship but that it was different to be staying with an ex rather than a friend. I told him that more than anything I was hurt that he had chosen to spend the night with another girl when it was so obvious that I wanted him to stay with me. He accepted this immediately and wanted to make it up to me, promising to take me out for dinner the next evening. Ironically I guess it would be classed as our first date. We had the most lovely evening – French restaurant, he insisted on letting me only get the tip, watched a comedy at mine after, he gave me a massage and we spent the night cuddling. It was perfect and such a gesture only seemed to show how much he cared for me.
    Yesterday however I began to have more doubts. That night was almost too good to be true – we had always done cute things together but to do something like that to want to make things up to me? I also unfortunately saw a few messages on his phone from his ex from the day after they had spent the night together after he was drunk. Messages about whether his ‘bite marks’ had faded, questions from her flatmate about her sex life, and how it was risky to do it ‘unprotected’. They were only flashes of messages I saw and I don’t want to invade his privacy but my mind hasn’t been able to stop whirring ever since.
    Last night, when my boyfriend could tell something was wrong, I told him some of my concerns. Nothing about the messages, but just how, despite my trusting him and knowing that he would always be honest with me, I couldn’t stop my imagination from inventing things about he and his ex. He used to tell me everything (and I mean everything) about the two of them from when they were together and after the things that had happened recently I couldn’t help but think things. My boyfriend seemed to understand – he said that yes, he was a little bit hurt by it, but he thought my thoughts were only natural after everything that had happened before, including how we had got together and that he understood and did t blame me for my insecurities. He promised me nothing happened nor will ever happen, that he is entirely devoted to me and that he never wants to be with anyone else. But I still can’t shift my doubts.
    I want to believe him, I do. I can’t eat or sleep or think right now about anything else. I don’t know how I’d feel if he had cheated on me, just once – I think if he was drunk I’d be able to forgive him. I love him. But if he is lying to me, I don’t know what to do. We have a holiday booked, plans to stay together always, not like average relationships. I don’t want to hurt him by having to ask again, by doubting him in spite of what he said. He has told me before that honesty and trust are the most important things in a relationship – would he be breaking his own word? I want to trust him completely, he has my entire heart in his hands and I don’t think I could cope right now if anything happened. I don’t want to hurt him either. The whole thing just feels like a bit of a mess.
    What are your thoughts on this Pete? Are cuddles with ex’s ever okay? Do you think, despite what he said, that my boyfriend may have cheated on me? What should I do to fix how I’m feeling, or to save whatever might be affected by this? If he has cheated, should I even be considering staying with him? I hope you can help – thanks for reading in any case.

    • princess

      My girl, he’s cheating. Now, your question might be who does he love? The answer could actually be both of you. It could also be you. Or even her. That’s not the point, marrying him can only make things worse. Do you want to enter a marriage with those doubts?
      I don’t want to advise you on anything, it’s up to you.
      But what I would do, is be honest about the messages and anything else and finally break up with him and tell him he’s free to do what he likes. Don’t be angry when this happens.. be calm and collected. Speak in a soft tone and be reasonable.
      If comes back, he chose you. If not, he chose her.

  • Aubree cohan

    So I’ve been happily cuddling with who I want to be with for a few weeks now . At one point he liked me , he moved on , I started liking him , & this happened.. He says we won’t date , but why cuddle me all the time.. Why ask me to cuddle you to sleep all the time.. Why be in my bed asleep when I get home (made me so happy haha) ? Mind you he won’t have sex with me either.. He just made a move finally yesterday . Not sex though but I feel eventually now that he’s done that maybe more will come.. But would this be hope ? or I feel for you so I’m gonna give some of myself to you ?

  • Dee

    Hey Pete,
    I’ve got a question for you. So, my best friend is a guy and I’ve developed feeling for him. He’s been wanting to get a job abroad for awhile now and he actually got an offer to do that. Around the time the offer popped up I told him I like him and he’s response was that if it wasn’t such a transitional time we’d make a great couple but that at this point he doesn’t want to complicate things more than necessary. His relocation is still in the unforeseeable future, so I took his answer as – Dee, I just don’t like you that way and am trying to soften the blow.

    Last night though I stayed at his place and we ended up cuddling the entire night…like full body contact for 8 hours. At some point I told him I’m too warm and tried to move away but instead of letting me go he just removed the blanket. So, my question is do I make the first move( a.k.a. kiss him ) next time we end up cuddling ( yes, it has happened several time but we’ve never actually slept all the night like that) or do I try my best to not get in this situation again.

    Thank you very much! Have a great day!

  • Mary

    Hi Pete i really enjoyed your article, thanks for the insight!
    My situation is rather strange. I had been married for 14 years and left my partner 8 months ago. For the last couple of years, i have had a male friend (12 years younger, i am 40). I told him a couple of months ago that i was attracted to him, but that i didnt want or expect him to reply. Though i am definately out of the age range that he would be looking for. We have become really close and talk every day, and he has been such a great friend, we share a lot of secrets etc together. A couple of weeks ago, i was having a particularly bad time, and he told me i needed a cuddle. I met up with him at his house, and we lay on the couch and hugged, touching each others, back and arms. He stroked my hair while he talked. We did this for 4 hours! We had no idea of the time. Whilst i am very aware of the age gap, and feel a fool for how i feel for him, we are just very close. Anyway i suppose my question is this, would he do that if he saw me as just a friend? Thanks in advance!

    Keep up the candid articles!

  • Nathan Morton

    im a single male which only makes this worse, and most of the time will play on my depression. but for long time the very thing iv wanted to close human contact, and i have so much trouble trying to tell people that i feel like shit because all i want to do is to be close to someone. nobody seems to understand that when im feeling like crap all i want is grab someone, pull them in and bury my self till i feel better. but i worry about telling people because then i feel less of a man, i feel weak because im a man who just wants a good cuddle… and iv been like this for a good while, iv tried finding relationships to fix this problem, but that takes time, could be months, could be years. and when people tell me it will take this long, the instant thing i think of is “am i gonna have to feel like this for all that time, i have to live in insecurity for all that time. i dont want that.”. if anyone can help me with this, or even if someone has the same problem as me, just so i dont feel like im the only person 🙁

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