A reader sent me a question and after he allowed me to share it with you, I immediately put it in my responder. Now that I’m reworking my newsletters I’ve decided to share this “alpha male,” conversational, and women testing advice with everyone.
I won’t go into all the details. I will let his question, my response, and his answer do all the talking.
It’s a little long but I believe you will benefit from it by learning about her signals, what they mean, and how to pass her test while still maintaining a certain level of Alpha-ness:
A HUGE THANKS to this anonymous nice guy. I appreciate it and so will every ‘good guy’ out there.
Here is what he first wrote me:
Hi Pete, I hope you can give me a bit of advice. I feel you can because of your excellent advice given on your website.
I have known a woman, whom I met on the internet, for about a year and a few months now. Things started out with a bang! Her kids enjoy me as I do them. However, their mother is one of the most indecisive people I have met and her confusion is indicated in how she treats me. Countless times she will say she wants to marry me, call me everyday, flirt, etc… only to turn around and pull a disappearing act.
Thinking she liked me, I would text her and call her and also send her and her kids gifts on their birthdays. I would hint around to things becoming more serious and she would back off. Someone described it best as a fencing match; advance, retreat. After about 10 months, when I would hint to her that I wanted to become more serious time and time again, and after we had finally met in person, she would retreat only to advance later and say,
“Come on, you know I like you. I shouldn’t have to tell you.”
Last year, things took a turn for the worse when she stopped calling me all of a sudden. Come to find out, from her kids telling me, she was dating someone. It was all a big secret and the guy had flew to visit her and get this, asked her to marry him. She turned him down b/c she, “didn’t really like him.” After that didn’t work guess who became the fall back guy? Yup, me. She popped up on my fb account and said,
“hey, remember me?”
“yeah, the magician. Where you been?”
She said she was giving me my space. Little did she know that I knew the deal. I busted her and since the beginning of the year, she has called me everyday, and when I don’t answer she will say, “where were you?”
Basically, it’s confusing me. The advances and retreats. I can’t say that I don’t think about how that guy flew out there only to be turned down. She keeps asking when she will see me again and to be honest I am not going to spend a bunch of money on someone playing a game. My mind is numb from the games and I really wish she would just come out and say, “I want you” or “we’re just friends”.
At this point, seems that I want more but then she wrecks that idea by advancing again. I also have to add that recently she has asked me for advice on how to stop thinking about things…”like, when you see a car they use to drive and it reminds you of them”. One week she is sad and the next happy. When I ask, “how are you” the famous phrase is “ok, I guess.” I know good guys attract women who are emotional wrecks. I have had my share of problems but do I stop trying to help and focus on other things?
Help, should I throw in the towel? I’m a nice guy but come on, I have to stand my ground as a man before she continues to walk all over me.
I’m no one’s emotional mat or rebound. We’re just ‘friends’ and I know she’s looking for other guys as I am looking for other women. However, when she sees girls flirting I know she gets a bit jealous. At this point I am growing tired of the guessing game.
Thanks for your advice, I cannot go on for another month like this.
My Response to His Question:
Thanks for writing and trusting in my opinions.
You don’t have to throw in the towel but you must throw her out of the ring. Let me explain.
First of all, and I won’t be dispelling this myth because you already figured it out –
Women can be irrational. Women can be emotional. Women can be happy one minute and sad the next. And yes, this woman appears to be no different.
Not that it’s a bad thing. I believe part of that quirkiness attracts us. It’s that part of them which allows us to step up and be that strong male presence in her life she so desires.
A woman telling a guy, “You know I like you.” shows me your attitude or nice guy ways, are making her come to the conclusion you seek her approval. I did it enough times to see all the patterns.
And you can not validate how someone feels about you by just asking them because you will transfer a certain amount of insecurity.
Such as this statement you made,
“My mind is numb from the games and I really wish she would just come out and say, “I want you” or “we’re just friends”.”
A woman telling a guy, “I wanted to give you space” sometimes means:
“You’re smothering me. I feel pressured.” (Although I will admit a woman could feel like you’ll never like her so she’ll pull back.)
They do this “excuse” thing because women want to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. It’s a mark against their nurturing instincts as a woman. And nice guys get thrown excuses from them all the time because:
- They feel in charge of where ever the relationship is and want to keep that control. AND/OR
- They feel his feelings may get hurt.
The cat and mouse game.
Her indecision on committing.
- “If I pull back and he chases me I know he digs me.”
- “If I pull back and he does nothing I’m free to date others.”
- “If I pull back and he chases a little I know he’ll still be there after I tested the next guy on my list.”
- “If I pull back and he gets angry he may not be strong enough for me.”
- “If I pull back and he gets sad I know he likes me and he’ll definitely be there when I come back.
- “If I pull back and he shows more affection then I know he doesn’t have other choices.”
Do you get the feeling no matter what you do about this test you can not win? 🙂
Well you can “win” … just don’t ever react to a woman’s test when it manifested in this way.
You want to throw in the towel because you’re playing in her ring. Throw her out and demand by mature actions she can come play in your ring anytime you are free to allow her.
With that said, her test:
“She popped up on my fb account and said, “hey, remember me?” I said, “yeah, the magician. Where you been?” She said she was giving me my space. Little did she know that I knew the deal. I busted her and since the beginning of the year, she has called me everyday, and when I don’t answer she will say, “where were you?”.”
HER: “Hey, remember me?”
YOU: “Who is this?”
HER: “It’s me (name), you know that.”
YOU: “Are you sure? (name)’s voice was a lot sexier before. ”
HER: “Hey now, my voice is just as sexy, I know you remember me.”
YOU: “Ohhhh (wrong last name) weren’t you the girl whose Mom was hitting on me that day.”
HER: “Hahah! No!!! Wait my Mom, she hit on you…wait… stop it , you know who I am…how have you been? 🙂 ”
See the winning test.
See how now she is playing in your ring.
Sure she realizes you remember you and you’re joking but then you throw in the statement about her Mom, a person who confuses you just as much, and she gets it. I’m like my Mom and you don’t like that about me.
Winning this test and not playing in her ring means you can not react one way or another to her.
You can tell her later you missed during those critical relationship steps but it’s best for now to let her see you’ve got a life without her and things are going good. But you can not just come out and say it’s boring because she will read too much into it.
How does someone truly prove they miss them…by having fun with them immediately like nothing ever changed. Once you do that you form a deeper connection. She understand she does not control you. You get to keep your status and choices. And the benefits from acting like this, which is still being a nice guy, reward more than I could list here.
“She has asked me for advice on how to stop thinking about things…”like, when you see a car they use to drive and it reminds you of them”.
- “Is he the jealous type?”
- “Will he act like a friend or a rude boyfriend?”
- “Will he show his clinginess?”
Give her the advice she is looking for and you’re forming a friendship.
Act like a rude boyfriend and she sees your true nature of the relationship.
Act jealous and once again prove to her she is in control over your emotions.
Become clingy and you show her your lack of real choices in the world.
Feel like you can’t win again? 😀
Not at all!!!
Here’s the cool part.
Stop reacting and start acting (Alpha) and in a way that is exciting, different, and never gives her exactly what she is looking for.
And in this manner she gets thrown out of the ring and you’re in control of yourself.
HER: “How do you get over thinking about things from a past relationship?”
YOU: “Wow. You were really into me, weren’t you? Haha! That’s sooo cute.”
HER: “No, seriously. Stop that. How do you do it?”
YOU: “What was the question again?”
HER: “Omg!!! How do you stop thinking so much?!!!”
YOU: “You’re asking me how to be stupid? Thanks… Haha! Course I never thought you were the type to be so into a dumb guy like myself. You do know I got an A once in tenth grade English. Teach said I was brilliant. Hahaha!”
HER: “Wow. Why are you being such a pain in the ass. You’re obviously upset about that guy I was seeing.”
YOU: “Him..no…we talked it out. We’re having lunch next week to discuss you entirely. Maybe cry over a beer while singing (ALL BY MYSELF-EL-ELF!!!! Haha!)
HER: “You’re such an ass. I can’t believe I like you.”
You see how you acted on always being fun and stopped reacting to her tests. And if you piss her off too much and do it real badly chances are you’re not going to ruin it, she will get over it and then bring it up later. (To see if you will still stand your ground.)
Now in a relationship she’ll expect you to give a little but in a relationship if she brings up not being able to get over another guy….it’s probably time for a big break.
Still feel like throwing in the towel?
One more thing before I have to get going.
You’ve already proven to her you can be a stable man and a good father. So she sees you as long-term.
But if you don’t start taking the lead and give her those gut reactions of attraction by acting as in my examples above…she may never commit till she’s explored the men who can give her those gut reactions her emotions bring out.
I’m not talking about bringing out her jealousy or going against your nice guy attitude, I align with good guys all the time because well, I enjoy being around good people, but as a nice guy you still have to pass those tests and not let your emotions, or her control those emotions, dictate your reaction.
My whole point of this was allow you to see what goes on behind a woman’s mask and the reasons she does act in certain ways. To allow you the insight to avoid future events from happening in the same sequence again.
And now that you have this insight you can start using it with her after pulling back.
I can’t tell you to throw in the towel you have to make that decision yourself and learn to deal with your choices, the good or the bad. That’s what makes you stronger. The lesson you can learn from this however is never-ending and can stay with you forever.
This type of lesson when objectified properly, can turn us guys into true leaders of our own choices, and that alone will attract women quite easily.
Feel free to ask a follow-up and please keep me informed on your choices. I definitely way to hear them.
I see you’ve subscribed to my newsletter and I’m looking forward to having you around. I must now ask the inevitable, can this letter be used anonymously in my newsletter to help others? Without your permission I will not reprint any part of this. I would appreciate you letting me know either way.
Thanks again for writing but please remember my advice, taken in any way, is always done at your discretion alone.
Good luck and we’ll talk again soon,
His Answer to My Response:
What can I say? After reading your email I not only solidified the idea that I have been playing in her ring, but recognize my past mistakes and how to correct them.
I have been watching Carlos Zuma’s Alpha Male program and in combining it with the resources on your website, I have come to realize that I do not have to be a jerk. I can still be a nice guy but at the same time know how to present myself in situations that will benefit ME.
Your ‘tests’ as well as your suggestions from my examples were spot on. She has been playing me like a fiddle and testing me. No, men cannot win against a woman’s constant whirl wind of emotions and if anything, they really do give us the opportunities to be a man and win them over with confidence and a ‘take charge’ attitude.
For the past several days, I stopped calling her. She called yesterday and I did not answer the phone. It was good both for my self-esteem in realizing I do not have to do it as well as creating the ‘mystery’ that so many women love. “What could he be doing”, “Why didn’t he answer”, are questions that will go through her head. This is where the importance of balance comes into play. Give her just enough space to miss me or begin to wonder and then re-enter the picture. Balance is the key in attracting women as well as being successful in any venue of my life; too much will ruin it and not enough will have the same effect.
Yes, she knows I am stable but I gave too much away, too soon. That will never happen again. The goal for me is to keep the interest going. I have come to several understandings that will help me in my journey. I realize I smothered her last year and lost my ‘cool’; always act fun and ignore her tests.
The major take away point from you, which I hold above all others, is to appear successful, busy, confident, and willing to fit her into my schedule. What woman would not want to be a part of a man’s life where other people (ie. women) love me, so I “must be a great catch”. Finally, I know to give a woman her space but also to move on if she is confused or not willing/ready to commit. Who has time to waste on something that is dead weight?
I do not think I will be using the phrase, ‘good guy’, anymore after reading your email. Almost overnight, I feel that ‘good guys’ have so many stigmas attached to them where ‘nice guy’ implies, for me at least, that I am a good-hearted person but knows how to stand his ground. That, my friend, is the “wow-factor”. Sure, some women date jerks and bad boys but secretly, they want someone stable. So, why not incorporate some of the attributes or the first two while maintaining the calm and cool of a man who is anchored and has his life together, knows the true principles of give and take, and uses humor, teasing, mystery, etc… to keep her interest high.
For the benefit of other men out there who are or have gone through the same thing, I give you permission to use my letter(s) to you however you may want to use them. I hope that men will read our correspondence and realize that we have the power to change a losing situation into a winning one by the simple recognition of what a woman is doing and creating a slight alteration to place the outcome back into our hands.
Success is mine and thank you for the passion, time and effort you used in responding to me.