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18. Give Her Space.

18. Give The Women You Are Attracted to… Space.

Sexual Woman

This may be the toughest behavior for most “nice guys” to adopt. And it will also sound radically contrary to what you’ve been brought up to believe by the media and your mom….
This will make the difference between the guy that walks away with the sweet taste of woman on his lips… or the bland and disappointing taste of her “friendship.”
How to Create (or Kill) Sexual Tension by Carlos Xuma

One rule of attraction implicitly states, when we chase those we are attracted to, they will run quicker than Forest Gump on steroids.

If you want one way that will always separate you from any pack of needy and horny nice guys better known as the “hot girl’s entourage,” it is to step back and give her space.

Allow her to live her own life. Allow her to make her own mistakes and more importantly, allow her to learn from those mistakes. Allow her to miss you.

And most importantly – She must understand you’re not needy, clingy, and desperately starved for her attention.

When you smother any woman with too much affection and attention you have little hope in creating sexual tension.

You’ll be that nice guy friend or worse, you’ll be her “go to guy” when she’s experiencing problems with the guy who either keeps blowing her off or has too little time for her.

Let’s not get too deep into the reasons for this approval seeking or “urgent” act of a man who is scared he’s going to miss something. Let’s leave it at -

I’ve been “that” guy and this is a big reason why I wrote Nice Guy Tip 18 – I thought if I left her alone, she would leave me. She would find someone else. I acted out of fear and had every excuse to explain my actions.

Women are not inanimate objects you can keep for yourself.

They have feelings and experience emotions at every level in their lives. They need space and the room to live their independent existence. They also need the space to determine you are right choice for her.
If you’re struggling as a nice guy and despite anything you do, you just can not give her the space she needs I have a few tips for you:

  • Date many women.
  • When you meet a woman you really like, quickly go out and find others like her.
  • Don’t be afraid to leave your phone at home once in a while.
  • Don’t be afraid to turn the phone off during your most desperate times.
  • Restrict how much you see her or contact her to at least half, maybe more depending where you’re at.
  • If you want to call her and you know you’re appearing desperate, STOP and get yourself busy doing something else. I used to journal my reasoning in vivid details. The longer it took me to write, the better chance my sense of urgency would take over.
  • In your weakest moments think of every clingy women who wouldn’t leave you alone and give yourself a hard smack.
  • If a woman has ever told you to ‘get a life’ (yes it’s happened to me) she may not be too far off. Find some goals besides getting a girlfriend.
  • This goes without saying – develop strong self-confidence and build your self-esteem.
  • Always remember to allow any sexual moments to build naturally and never force the issue. If you don’t know how, learn the true art of seduction.

As a nice guy, fear is the ultimate cause of not giving a woman enough space.

  • If you’re seeing her now and you’re worried she is going to cheat on you, your fears will actually push her closer to that next guy.

Another cause in not giving her space is pure neediness for affection.

  • We all desire affection. It feels good. But I guarantee it’s going to feel better if you can hold back a little more each time.

The third cause of a nice guy’s inability to give a woman space is a need to be affirmed.

  • You don’t feel loved unless she is always reaffirming her love for you. As the old saying goes, you can only be loved as much as you love yourself. If you don’t even like yourself then women are not your problem and will never solve it for you, despite how many times she tells you how worthy you are.

ONE LAST TIP: When your emotions are beginning to overwhelm you and you must see her despite your intuition, come here and start reading until you pass out.

I’m always happy to put you to sleep if it keeps you from crowding that girl. :)

Click here for the next tip – Confidence

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22 comments… add one

  • Happy boy

    This article helped me so much. Thank you soo much.

  • droppy

    excellent article. excellent, excellent, excellent. do take heed.

    • Thanks Droppy. I appreciate you taking the time and writing how you feel.
      Pete

  • deseparate husband

    I really liked reading this and think it will help me enormously. I have experienced some or all of these same emotions. Guess I’ll follow thru on some of the things that I have wanted to do. Thanks for the information. I’ll NE back from time to time to read for strength.

    • I’m glad I was able to help you. You’re more than welcome.

      I understand the advice above may be trivial or even obvious but it does offer a reminder even I must never forget, “Building attraction and maintained healthy vibrant relationships often requires the space to grow and develop as individuals.”

      When we find ourselves becoming too clingy or even overly-dependent on how someone else makes us feel, we put undo pressure on even the “most loved” to continue to drive our passions. I’m convinced that “pressure” is the complete opposite of attraction. It destroy anticipation and a desire to peek into the future.

  • jeff

    Thanks for the really helpful tips…l’ll like to continue talking to you about this new relationship am about to start with this amazing girl..but right now l think am moving too fadt and she is beginning to slow down, l’ll like u to help me with this even if it you communicating with me via my email anr lead me throufh all steps of the way.

    Thanks.

    • You’re welcome Jeff. Tell me a little more about your situation and I’ll see what I can do you.

  • Jacob

    THANK YOU SOOO MUCH FOR YOUR ADVICE THE ADVICE THIS ARTICLE IS GOLD

    • peter white

      Thanks Jacob. Always great to hear.

  • Raymond

    Thanks Peter for this article. I’ve always had a problem with this. It even leads me to thinking that something is wrong. This article was the slap in the face I needed. Do you think it’s okay to purposely not answer their calls or text if you have a problem with this?

    • peter white

      You’re welcome Raymond and thank you for stopping by. I appreciate it.

      It’s definitely okay.

      It’s even better to set your life up so it’s easier not to answer. Like keeping busy. Turning off your phone for some “real” quiet time. Getting more women in your life – even if you’re not dating.

      Keep in mind, your personal situation is important. You have to take in account some of the factors I listed above as to why it’s happening and what the outcome usually is when you can’t get ( or keep) away.

      Giving women space is not always about just not answering your phone. A lot of it is letting them make their own decisions, respecting their freedom, and (kind of) showing them you’re okay with the distance because you’re comfortable in yourself and you feel very little jealousy.

      But… again, if you firmly believe you need to experience more space to become comfortable with it and root out the cause of it all (and feel the benefits from it) then by all means stop answering the calls immediately.

      You don’t have to avoid the calls. Just don’t feel compelled to get back immediately. Give it some time. She may get upset. She may get nosy.

      And remember you can always, “Listen. It’s personal. I need this for myself.” or something like that when she gets mad.

      If you have any more questions, which I’m sure you do… Just let me know.

      Best of restraint to you Raymond,

      Pete

  • Tony

    I’m seeing this girl ATM. She said she needs a little space so I said I’ll see her on Thurs and won’t contact her till then. And said she can contact me first. Thought it may be a trust thibg as relationships are built upon trust. Is a week too long to go without talking to someone? I feel slightly ignorant by doing this as we texted each other everyday. Cheers

  • Phil

    Hi Peter

    I’ve been seeing this amazing girl for the past few weeks, been getting on amazingly well, both emotionally and physically. She said she hadn’t felt like this for years. Loads of mutual attraction. This last Sunday she had invited me over to her place, had a whole 2 days of things planned. Gothenburg suddenly on Sunday morning she called me to say that she felt it was a whirlwind, it wasn’t real and she needed some space! I said I didn’t feel that, but have given her space. It’s now been 5 days without contact. I’m not sure what my next step should be. I really like her.
    I’m 37 and she’s 39 if that makes any difference?!

    Thanks

    Phil

    • Hi Phil,

      The age can make a difference so thanks for sharing. This tells me you’re both probably mature enough. The advice might be different for a couple in their early twenties.

      You’ve already made the right first move – giving her the space she asked for.

      The thing is, women need this process – feel -> think -> act. What she’s experiencing is feeling and lots of acting. That’s what creates the whirlwind. This also causes lots of women to get scared. They feel like they’re losing control of the situation before they’re allowed to fully think things through.

      She may need time to get the process back in order and to gain control. This alone could reset it all for her without any intervention from you at all. So that’s good news.

      Be careful though – it does seem like she scared of something. Like she’s not ready for anything beyond casual dating. If you can handle it, when she resurfaces try to limit the seeing or contact to a minimum. Like once a week or so. You don’t maintain the distance by all of a sudden becoming a prick or demanding about it. This only creates a resentment on your part and actually puts more pressure on her.

      The hard part of all this is – you want to give her control over her own actions without giving up complete control to her in this early stage. This means if you bow down to her every wish ( because you want to be good which is respectable ) she’ll likely control the process. She’ll become the go-to leader in whatever happens and YOU’LL be at the mercy of her every whim, fear, emotional up and downs.

      Not that I’m against long-term casual dating, I actually prefer it. But I am against giving up the masculine part of the equation ( leading the relationship) and waiting around for ONE woman to make up her mind.

      In my opinion your next “step” should not be a step at all.

      You should not stop casually dating other woman. It’s too early for that. BUT remember she has the right to see other guys too. ( In fact it could help because she’ll realize quicker who’s the better man for her. )

      Since that last part if NOT for everyone I’m sure you’re looking for a more personal answer. Like maybe you’re tired of playing the “field” or how you finally met a girl who’s “rocking your world” and then she gets all scared and runs away.

      Without knowing yours or her past history it kind of makes it difficult on me – but hey I’m up for the challenge as long as you take responsibility for your actions.

      If I was in your position – I would not so much ignore it but remain unaffected by it. It’s no big deal. Hell it’s even kind of cute she’s SO into you that she has not been able to control her affection or actions.

      You see most guys get stuck thinking they’ve lost or get confused on what to do about it.

      They feel pressured to make the right move when in fact the next move is something she needs to figure out for herself and the less you can do to affect it – the more likely – if it’s right for her – she’ll figure it out and respect you more for it.

      By just being the strong guy she can rely on when things get a little out of hand.

      Stay away from trying to help her decide but also don’t sit around waiting and hoping and wondering how much space or time you should give her.

      Just remind her once in a while that you’re still the same fun guy she feel for. NOT by telling her it’s okay, you’ll wait, or you’re there for her either.

      You do it by just making her laugh and smile over something which made you laugh and smile. That’s all. Don’t do it everyday but don’t time it either. Make it random. Make it fun and don’t get all heavy and serious with her and definitely never ever pressure her into thinking she has to make a choice soon or she’ll lose you forever.

      Let me tell you – if a woman believes she’s found mr. right and she also believe she’s screwing it up by freaking out – she’s going to assume another woman is going to come in and sweep you off your feet and take you away from her for good.

      So do your best to remain unaffected. If things work out I’m sure it will pick up right where you left off. Doing that is what’s going to separate you from other men who give her an ultimatum or blow her off entirely. They’re the wimps who don’t get her.

      The man who gets her doesn’t let every emotional thing she goes through suddenly have them acting differently and weaker or more demanding.

      This is your chance to stand out and you quite literally don’t have to do anything more.

      Remember. She’s cute kind of in a nerdy way because of how high she holds you up and how deeply you’ve affected her. That’ll help you stand back and smirk about it.

      I find women fascinating when they do things like this ( as long as it’s not a game ) because I hold those beliefs. Maybe they’re a little cocky. Maybe they’re not.

      But since this is PART of a woman you fell for so hard it has to be fascinating to you too. Right?

      All the best to you Phil. I appreciate you coming to me for my opinion and I do hope , with all the thought I put into this it helps you out enough,

      Pete

      • Phil

        Hi Pete

        Thanks very much for getting back to me and putting the time in to reply. It’s all really good sound advice.

        I did relent on Saturday and sent a simple ‘Hi how are you?’ message. No reply though. She has been active on my Facebook though, liking the odd thing here and there.

        I appreciate it is difficult to pass comment without having that much information. I really do think that she freaked about how quickly things were happening. She hasn’t been in a relationship for a long time, and has a very independent lifestyle. I did sense that there were a few things from the past in the background. Either that or she’s just decided that she’s not that interested anymore. Which would be odd as she was very interested before.

        But your advice has definitely been taken on board. If she does get back in touch, then great. But I’m not going to ruin my summer waiting for that to happen :)

        Kind regards

        Phil

  • Ben

    Pete,
    I’m a 30 year old guy whom according to everyone close to me is a perfect catch for any girls given my respectful attitude, education, caring nature and good heart; however, Im very impatient and i always overwhelm the girls whom I like and want to be with; it happened once before when I got very disappointed and sad and feel like it is about to happen to me again. I met a perfect 27 year old girl about 3.5 months ago whom I thought has a lot of potentials and can be the one. She gladly accepted to go to dinner with me and told me after the dinner she needs a month time to prepare for her upcoming exam. I gave her that month off by only seeing her one more time and kept in touch through text/calls. I also sent her multiple caring and sweet gifts while she was studying and she was very surprised and appreciative. After her exam we started seeing eachother once or twice a week. I felt like she had so much fun with me and enjoyed it so much. She even verbalized that “You are everything I always wanted in a boyfriend.” She even gave me tips to offiicially make her my gf. She told me initially that she had a bf whom she broke up with about 9 months ago after her ex-bf family rejected her because of religion and cultural issues when she was promised marriage. After that both sides of the famiy were against them dating and everything was done. She verbalized to me once that she doesnt care about him anymore as she is the one who broke it up and he has asked her multiple times to get back but she doesnt want anymoer. Unfortunatelly I figured that the ex bf was still sometimes contacting her still and asking her to get back as she mentioned it a month ago. She also mentioned to me multiple times that she does not care about him as shes now realizing how much better she is than him but she is very disappointed that he wasted two years of her life and she looks very bad in front of her friends and family. I decided to officially ask her be my gf and she happily agreed. Two days after that she started crying on the phone and said that she feels like her life is going way too fast for her. We decided to take it slower and hang out less and it was successful for two weeks. Last weekend we went out and after I dropped her off I noticed that she was cold that night and things were not like before. I understood that her finals, board exam and interviews are coming up and she was very stressed about that but started talking to her and she said “why dont you give me space for two months and I come back to you?” She also said that I like you alot otherwise I wouldnt be hanging out with you a week before y finals or talk so highly about you to my friends and family as I am very private and usually do not do that. Unfortunately I did not agree that night with giving her space and we agreed to just take things slower at this point. She made out with me and left my car. We texted throughout the last two days very briefly and I called her two times and we had friendly nice conversation.
    I do not know what to do. I really like this girl, but I know I will lose her if I be pushy and impatient. I know that she still has feelings for me and wants things to work out but is confused. How can I keep her interested, meanwhile, give her space? It is very hard for me to stop giving and reciving attention from her but if space is the only solution, I am willing to do it. Also I dont want to be the bad guy and completely ignore her now that she is busy with school. I would appreciate any help.

    • peter white

      Hello Ben,

      Men lose women everyday ( I was no exception ) because they make the mistake of trying to keep them interested.

      You keep women in your life by being an interested person they can not help but to want to be a part of… that’s all. I can tell you from experience women don’t fall out of love, like, or attraction for a guy just because he’s not around anymore.

      Sometimes that actually enhances it.

      Sure they will “decide” to push the feelings aside occasionally or admit to themselves it’s not going to happen so they try to forget about it – but how they feel doesn’t just disappear because he’s not around anymore.

      Hopefully that will help you pull back a little but I’ve got more from you and this comes from my heart man so please take it in the nicest way.

      First – you’ve got to get it out of your head that she’s a perfect 27 year old who could be the one. She becomes the one AFTER and not before. Women feel way too much pressure from a guy who sees them as perfect because most of them don’t feel perfect. In those cases that is when they suddenly pull back telling you things are moving too fast.

      It’s partly because you set her up as perfection and possibly the one. That applied ( unintentionally or not ) pressure on top of the pressure she’s already feeling in her life which could’ve easily caused her to feel THOSE feelings more than the attraction itself.

      “He’s perfect for me. I don’t feel perfect. I don’t deserve it. I thought I met the one but the families ruined it. If HE wasn’t the one maybe I got it wrong. Maybe I’m wrong about this guy too… If my ex was the one and everyone made me feel bad for it… just maybe I’m not meant for anyone…” and that’s just the tip of her emotional overwhelm.

      All in all, relationships need to transition easily so when the the initial attraction is replaced by something more difficult to deal with, suddenly things seem to change with a woman and almost overnight it can feel like you’ve lost her.

      This next part going to suck…

      When, in her eyes, you became “everything she’s always wanted in a boyfriend” and she gave you “tips” on how to make her your girlfriend she wasn’t telling you she wanted to be your girlfriend, she was telling you she’s not ready or feeling it enough.

      I know. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? I can’t get into all the details of why it didn’t mean what you thought it meant but consider this… Any woman who fell head over heels for me – to the point that they would do absolutely anything and overcome any obstacles (such as school and stuff ) to fit me in their lives… never gave me tips on how to get them – in fact they did the opposite. They told me how bad I was for them and how they didn’t understand, despite all my imperfections :) that they could not help but to love my unconditionally and THAT pissed them off so much.

      And I’m a nice guy.

      Chances are. She’s not over her ex because she can’t make those feelings go away. But with you, her feelings get easily replaced with something that should be easy but made her cry and feel more pressure than anything else.

      The cold hard facts about all this is that “space” is not the only answer to your problem with her. Another problem is that SHE’S in control of the direction and timing of your relationship with her and not you. But remember she’s confused, unsure, still harboring emotions for a past one… if she’s in control and not you, then the very thing that makes her “feminine” is at stake causing her to feel something besides attraction.

      Okay…. you mention this, “everyone close to me (says I’m ) a perfect catch for any girls given my respectful attitude, education, caring nature and good heart”.

      The problem is Ben, women don’t feel attracted to respect – education – a caring nature or good heart. YES – they are qualities women look for to see if you’re relationship material. They DO make a difference especially for the long-term.

      BUT those are qualities you have for yourself and NOT for women. You have them because it’s who you are and how you want to live your life because it makes you feel good about yourself. Makes you feel valued and important to yourself.

      And yes most women will give anything to be in a relationship with a guy with those qualities IF and ONLY IF her attraction supersedes or dominates her emotions and are not replaced with something else.

      Since you can’t talk any woman into feeling attracted to you – stand by your qualities you respect in yourself the most just don’t see them as a reason women would want you.

      It sounds like when you meet a girl – you put her first in your life when you’re feeling it for them and you don’t allow them to feel the kind of attraction they need. Almost like, I’ll dare to say it, you put them on a pedestal and women do NOT like being up there OR they don’t feel attraction to guys who put them there.

      They want eye-to-eye, toe-to-toe, face-to-face, unbridled passion with a guy which brings out the very thing that makes them females.

      I feel, if you focus on creating those kind of interactions with women and NOTHING else (because you already have the qualities needed to be relationship worthy) you’ll begin to see your space issues won’t be a problem anymore.

      Relax. Your impatience is sort-of created because since others tell you what a great catch you are, and you feel women SHOULD be attracted to that, it makes you push instead of sitting back and enjoying the ride with several different women and seeing which one actually BECOMES the one AFTER.

      You would think… here you have all these great qualities that if you select a woman she should feel special but it just doesn’t work that way. What makes her feel special is the guy who makes her feel like a woman and when you prop them up – they feel like an object and not a passionate human who interacts “heart-to-heart” with a man who doesn’t see her as perfect but sees her for how she feels inside – which most of the time is emotional, unpredictable, happy, sad, sexy, imperfect, accident prone, shy, demure, feminine, motherly, etc….

      I DO hope this has helped you in the best possible light I could put it in. At least in the very worst case I’m totally wrong but that’s good right? Because that just means letting her be for a while will have her begging to get back in your life.

      Thanks for writing in Ben and all the best of luck to you,

      Pete

  • Destry

    Hey Pete, thanks for the article. I can tell you read up on some of David DeAngelo’s stuff which proves that David isn’t all talk and has actually experienced every possible mistake a guy makes with women.

    I’m no expert, but I would like to ask: How do you feel about sending a woman that you never got to meet a birthday wish by text? You know those JPG or GIF files you can send? I read your article about a girl that you got involved with that lived too far for you to actually meet and it reminded me of my situation. She lives a little over 4 hours away. I even got the sexual tension going with her and had her wet on the phone.

    Anyways, even though I have given her space, I thought about sending her a birthday wish (not one of those mushy ones) even though she made an excuse and told me that her heart wasn’t over someone else. So I called her on her BS (in a funny way) because, obviously, if she wasn’t over someone else, why is she on a dating site and talking to me? I advised her that she needed to quit playing childish games and act more like an adult. Regardless, I think I scared her off as she gave me the speech about her last two relationships that were long distance and how it ended up breaking her heart. Then, after saying what I had to say, she ended up making an excuse about her not being over someone else. See where I’m going with this?

    Thanks again for the article.

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