≡ Menu
DiaLteG TM

18. Give Her Space.

18. Give The Women You Are Attracted to… Space.

Sexual Woman

This may be the toughest behavior for most “nice guys” to adopt. And it will also sound radically contrary to what you’ve been brought up to believe by the media and your mom….
This will make the difference between the guy that walks away with the sweet taste of woman on his lips… or the bland and disappointing taste of her “friendship.”
How to Create (or Kill) Sexual Tension by Carlos Xuma

One rule of attraction implicitly states, when we chase those we are attracted to, they will run quicker than Forest Gump on steroids.

If you want one way that will always separate you from any pack of needy and horny nice guys better known as the “hot girl’s entourage,” it is to step back and give her space.

Allow her to live her own life. Allow her to make her own mistakes and more importantly, allow her to learn from those mistakes. Allow her to miss you.

And most importantly – She must understand you’re not needy, clingy, and desperately starved for her attention.

When you smother any woman with too much affection and attention you have little hope in creating sexual tension.

You’ll be that nice guy friend or worse, you’ll be her “go to guy” when she’s experiencing problems with the guy who either keeps blowing her off or has too little time for her.

Let’s not get too deep into the reasons for this approval seeking or “urgent” act of a man who is scared he’s going to miss something. Let’s leave it at –

I’ve been “that” guy and this is a big reason why I wrote Nice Guy Tip 18 – I thought if I left her alone, she would leave me. She would find someone else. I acted out of fear and had every excuse to explain my actions.

Women are not inanimate objects you can keep for yourself.

They have feelings and experience emotions at every level in their lives. They need space and the room to live their independent existence. They also need the space to determine you are right choice for her.
If you’re struggling as a nice guy and despite anything you do, you just can not give her the space she needs I have a few tips for you:

  • Date many women.
  • When you meet a woman you really like, quickly go out and find others like her.
  • Don’t be afraid to leave your phone at home once in a while.
  • Don’t be afraid to turn the phone off during your most desperate times.
  • Restrict how much you see her or contact her to at least half, maybe more depending where you’re at.
  • If you want to call her and you know you’re appearing desperate, STOP and get yourself busy doing something else. I used to journal my reasoning in vivid details. The longer it took me to write, the better chance my sense of urgency would take over.
  • In your weakest moments think of every clingy women who wouldn’t leave you alone and give yourself a hard smack.
  • If a woman has ever told you to ‘get a life’ (yes it’s happened to me) she may not be too far off. Find some goals besides getting a girlfriend.
  • This goes without saying – develop strong self-confidence and build your self-esteem.
  • Always remember to allow any sexual moments to build naturally and never force the issue. If you don’t know how, learn the true art of seduction.

As a nice guy, fear is the ultimate cause of not giving a woman enough space.

  • If you’re seeing her now and you’re worried she is going to cheat on you, your fears will actually push her closer to that next guy.

Another cause in not giving her space is pure neediness for affection.

  • We all desire affection. It feels good. But I guarantee it’s going to feel better if you can hold back a little more each time.

The third cause of a nice guy’s inability to give a woman space is a need to be affirmed.

  • You don’t feel loved unless she is always reaffirming her love for you. As the old saying goes, you can only be loved as much as you love yourself. If you don’t even like yourself then women are not your problem and will never solve it for you, despite how many times she tells you how worthy you are.

ONE LAST TIP: When your emotions are beginning to overwhelm you and you must see her despite your intuition, come here and start reading until you pass out.

I’m always happy to put you to sleep if it keeps you from crowding that girl. :)

Click here for the next tip – Confidence

Dialteg-News

Get more great tips on attracting women delivered to you personally.

Leave your name and email so I can send you the absolute truth about attracting women. Free Download area and updates. Your info is never shared, sold and no spam ever! Just be 18 years or older and if you don’t like it, cancel it. Make sure you confirm your subscription today.

40 comments… add one

  • Paco

    Hi peter ..so my situation is this..i met this girl about 6 months ago she had a bf at the time which she was having problems with…he never treated her as a gf he mevee gave her the recognition she deserved ..long story short i waa just a friend for hee a listener someone that gave her advice and support…soon we both caught feelings for each other we both confessed it..but she was still taken..once i saw thing seemed more serious between us i decided to talk to her ans told her that if this was going anywhere that she would have to be single and it would have to be done the wrong way..she was sad about it but respected my decision to back of and not talk..about 2 weeks later she broke it off with her now exbf and we started to hang out again.. During the 2 weeks we didnt really talk much or text it was just very simple hi ans bye..also she is my friend’s sister so i see her often when im with her brother ..our families both kno each other well so theres a bunch of strings attached now…shes friends with my fam and im friends with hers…so its been almost 7 weeks since she broke it off with her ex and for the first 4 weeks things were going great between us we went on cpl dates and we moved on to kissing making out cuddling while movies holding hands all that stuff. Then out of nowhere she changed she seemed different. I confronted her about it and she saying that shes having trouble getting over the break up..she feels guilty because shes the one that broke it off but she assured me she still has feelings for me…weve made future plans like going to the beach together and other places and she does flirt alot with me still but there are days when shes just different…im thinking about giving her space and just let her get through this process..but sometimes i just dont know what to do

    • peter white

      Hi Paco,

      The thing is, how your relationship started – just as friends where she was either going to you for advice and support or you just happened to be there or were even offering help…

      Tells me she’s not feeling any real emotional attraction to you. At least not in the same way she’s feeling it for her ex.

      It’s great you two hooked up and I would never tell any guy that nothing’s impossible BUT I must warn you, without certain excitement, without the emotional ride, without the friction attraction often creates – there’s always going to be her ex ( or another guy ) who she’s feeling “that” for.

      I don’t think she changed or started acting differently. To me, she was hiding her true feelings and TRYING to stir them with you – but then realized it just wasn’t the same or it wasn’t going to happen. She puts on the “face” for you because she feels like she owes you something but the unfortunate truth is – she’s not over her ex and until something happens it’s highly unlikely she’ll move on until then.

      I would definitely give her space and avoid being the “friend” she can turn to for advice unless you’re willing to give up on it all and just be her friend. Definitely reach out to other women where you can create the attraction women need to feel. The kind of stuff similar ( but not necessarily the same ) this girl and her ex first felt.

      The best thing you can do now, for yourself is to introduce other women in your life. It will make it easier to give her space among other things.

      Also, the next time a woman appears to start acting differently ( in a bad way )- that’s your cue to step back and not an invitation to “confront” the issue. ( Unless you’ve already been in a long-term relationship. )

      All the best to you Paco and make sure you start with attraction with all your many next dates. If this one comes around ( that ) has to happen first.

      Thanks for asking and I do hope this helps you out,

      Pete

  • Adam

    Hey Pete,
    I’m going into college this year and this attractive girl that I really like is 2 years younger than me that I met at a concert and lives 4 and a half hours away in the next state. She works at a camp in my state near my house during the summer and was at the concert with one of her friends that went to my high school which was why she was at the concert. Anyways, nobody else I was with at the concert knew her so I introduced myself and was very nice and made small talk all the way until we got into the concert. I strayed away from her at the beginning of the concert to talk with other people but I looked for her every now and then and we made eye contact a couple times. Towards the second half of the concert we found each other and decided to go down closer to the stage. She knew all the songs and was trying to get me dance and was being flirty. I was being flirty back, made her laugh and such and then after the concert we met back at her friend’s house.

    Little did I know until I got to the house, that this girl had a boyfriend of two years back home that I had to find out about from her friend while she was in the bathroom. I had planned to make a move that night until I found that out. So we sat together for a couple hours talking and flirting until around 3am and she put her number in my phone. She had to leave for camp the next morning and would not have her phone for 2 weeks.

    So fast forward 2 weeks and she starts texting me again and I was being funny, nice, and complimenting her a lot. I decided to surprise her at the airport a couple days later before she flew back home. That went well and we starting texting and having long phone calls in the late night and early morning. We both were being flirty and I was complimenting her a lot. She still doesn’t know that I like her and that I know she has a boyfriend at this point. That is until she could somehow sense that I wasn’t okay through text and called me and I told her that her boyfriend was the luckiest guy and that he better know it and that it really sucked that we couldn’t date. She told me that I was a perfect guy and that who knows and that I’ll meet people in college. I was very sad to hear this because she is my ideal girl.

    Another couple days go by of us texting and snapchatting but being less flirty. I still went about complimenting her and such. Then I sensed something was wrong so I asked her and told her she could tell me anything. So she told me that her boyfriend lied to her and that it bothered her, and so I just comforted her. A day later we are on the phone playing 20 questions and she is asking me personal questions about my previous dating life, what my ideal young girl would be like, and questions about our previous experiences together and so I asked her if she could see us dating in the future and she said yes. We’ve been texting each day pretty much and I leave for college in the next few days and I’m not sure what to do now. I’ve just been nice, complimentary, funny, and trying to make her comfortable with me this whole time. I really want to have a future with her but yet I’m not trying to be over the top, needy, or desperate. I know I’ll meet people at college but she is amazing. I just am not sure what to do about it?

    • peter white

      Hey Adam,

      The thing is you made a common mistake – you revealed your feelings to someone who was probably falling for you and was wondering why you never tried to make a move.

      Since she already had a boyfriend, at that point she ( probably ) already put you in the friends zone.

      You see all those little compliments showed her how you felt – telling her just sealed the deal because by then, you were past the friends line. And now she’s telling you personal things about her boyfriend because she knows how you feel about her and and that you’ll comfort her.

      She’ll give a little back – asking personal questions about you and what type of girl you’re looking for – it’s the nice “friendly” thing to do.

      She feels safe with you because you already know she has a boyfriend, you didn’t make a move when you found out, you build her up all the time, and basically you’ve put her up on a pedestal hoping that something might happen in the future – if you play along.

      Like how while she’s asking question about your past and your ideal mate, you lead it back to asking if there could ever be a chance between you. This only reinforced in her mind – she can have you whenever she wants and you’ll probably be there for her – waiting.

      Now don’t get me wrong here. There’s a possibility something could happen. It’s just based on my vast experience in this kind of stuff that you’re deep in her friends zone and as long as her boyfriend continues to create attraction, he’s the one ( or even someone like him ) who’s going to end up with her. She’ll end up with the guy ( or any guy ) who makes her work for him.

      Before I get you too down – my purpose is NOT to make you feel like shit. I just want you to see how easy it is get yourself in this kind of position when you confuse a few facts about women…

      Yes they do want a nice guy – they just don’t fall ( or leave their boyfriends ) for the guy who they’re not sure if you’re being nice because you like her.

      Being funny is cool. Women love to laugh. But it’s the type of humor that really attracts women which is key. From your letter I’m not sure the style you’ve used but I bet your whole purpose was to see her smile. To make her laugh. The most attractive “comedians” don’t do it for those reasons. They do it because it’s part of their wit and charm and others are “allowed” to laugh or not.

      Yes. Women love to feel comfortable around certain guys but comfort does not equal gut-level attraction because there has to be some tension. You see when a girl meets a guy who keeps her on the edge ( even just a little ) it kind of shows her he’s not interested in making her feel comfortable just because he likes her. I hope you see the difference.

      Okay – so you’re not sure what to do about it AND you want to open the possibility of something more happening between you… The answer is right in front of you and now that you know how to avoid the future pitfalls you can increase your chances.

      Date other women! Don’t compare them to her. Don’t wait around being there for her every second of the day. Don’t give away your life to her because trust me she does not want a guy who is willing to give up the opportunity you have – just to wait around for her.

      She wants to work for you. She wants a guy who “goes for it” and keeps her on edge just a little. She wants to feel “attraction.” She wants to wonder about you. She wants the guy who other women want and might get if she continues to keep you in the friends zone.

      Don’t tell her again how lucky her boyfriend is – and how if things were different you would date. Assume, as cocky as it sounds, that eventually she’ll grow tired of him but if it doesn’t happen – it’s okay. You’re the lucky guy here because you’ve learned some valuable lessons about women and NOW you have numerous opportunities to put it all in action.

      Decrease your compliments so when you do give one – she knows how sincere and real it is AND you might want to save them for later.

      Stop confessing your feelings to her – for now the future is open – don’t ask her again if she could ever see you two dating – focus on creating attraction, some good tension, indifference to her situation, and remove her slowly from being your ideal women by actively dating the women you’re now going to meet.

      After all – these new women might actually be more ideal or less. You just don’t know until you try.

      Now I realize I threw a ton of stuff your way so if you take away anything from all this – the next time, don’t wait to find out from someone else that she has a boyfriend – it’s better to have her push you back because doing so will keep you out of the friends zone and keep in the possible date zone. Don’t plan to make a move – tease her – create a little attraction and good sexual tension and the moment will arrive. I’ve found planning to make a move doesn’t really work.

      All the best of luck to you Adam,

      Pete

  • Mike

    Hey Peter,

    Ok, I’ll try to make this as short as possible. I worked with this girl for about a year, and to be honest, never thought much of her besides some common interests such as love for horror movies and Halloween season. We were friendly, exchanged phones numbers, facebook friends etc and would occasionally text when a good movie was on so the other could tune in. Then one day she gets fired. I was in shock but wanted to give her some space because I wasn’t sure how angry she was etc, but she proceeds to call me that same night. A 2 hour conversation then happens and the end result was her saying that I was one of the few people she liked at work and wanted to keep in touch.

    At first we were to be “movie buddies” because in our own inner circles our friends hate horror films and we both agreed we have missed too many movies we’ve wanted to see in the past. So we schedule our first “dinner and movie” hangout as friends. It ends, we both say we have a good time and I bring up what movie we should go see next. She responds with, “You know we don’t have to wait for a movie to come out, we could just go grab dinner or something.” To which I say “Definitely”.

    So this goes on for a month or so. Texting everyday, sending pictures back and forth of old pictures of us, my nephew, pets etc. She even texted me at the stroke of midnight on my birthday to make sure she was the first one who said it to me.

    Then the guys at work find out we are hanging out and proceed to tell me that she is gay. I responded with that’s find and good for her because we are only friends, but then I started realizing after all the time we were spending talking, hanging out that I was becoming attracted to her. The next step was to find out if she was gay because our conversations haven’t steered that way to this point.
    A couple more hangouts went by with no success, she even came to my house for another movie night which we planned to do more of in the future (but haven’t yet). She also invited me to her aunt’s house for her birthday BBQ that I couldn’t take off work for, but I thought it was weird to invite me to her family get together.

    So then it happens, the next time we hang out. At dinner the subject of marriage comes up naturally because one of our co-workers was about to tie the knot. I casually asked her about herself and found out she was once engaged years ago but it didn’t work out and that she was in a 3 year relationship with a man that ended 8 months ago and she was just “getting her groove back” in her own words. So there it is, she is not gay but now I’m trying to hold back these feelings I’ve developed.

    Now up to then I forgot to mention I had started to become more touchy-feely but in an appropriate way. Hugs, high fives, teasing pokes. She hasn’t retracted at all and even initiated hugs on her own (at the end of our encounters). So after dinner when I found out that information I started opening doors for her, which I did a couple times in the past but now was making sure every door was opened for her. The night ends and we both say we had a great time etc.

    A couple days later she talks about how much she loved aquariums as a child and asked me if I would be up for a day trip to go to one with her to which I say of course. Everything seems great at this point.

    So now, the last two weeks have been all over the place. I text 1 or 2 messages and don’t get replies or get something hours later saying her phone wasn’t charged or she was at a friend’s house and never checked her phone. I’ve brought up when to schedule the aquarium and she stopped texting and when I said an hour after that “ok, I get the hint” she claimed to have “family shit” going on. So we basically now can go 1 or 2 days without a single word being said and then out of the blue she’ll call/text me for an hour or two like nothing happened. I want to ask why she never responded to said texts but I never do. I have no idea what to do. If I came on too strong. If she was just always interested in being friends etc. I’m currently in a holding pattern of not texting until she does. Two days without a word and she knows I have a week off from work.

    Any advice would be appreciated and sorry about the book

    Mike

    • Hey Mike,

      The one thing you never mentioned was “other” women in your life. Are you dating? Is there anyone else?

      Is just seems like you’re doing all the waiting and she’s treating you like a good friend that she wanted to keep in touch with.

      In your story there’s no mention of the most important things – Attraction. Tension. Teasing. Sexual chemistry. Anything which would signify that there’s something else going on between you and her.

      Let’s put this all in perspective… She texts you – you get right back. She calls you – you’re there for her. The subject of marriage comes up and when you find out she’s not gay, you start “secretly” courting her. You start trying to break the touch barrier – holding doors – and I’m willing to bet HOW you looked at her changed from that moment on.

      And she probably noticed you went from just a cool friend to hang out with to a guy who is into her so she tests you by not getting back to you AND unfortunately you acted like you two were actually already in a relationship. Sealing it in her mind that you were in fact “into her” or were looking for something more now.

      ( Something, by the way which could be totally avoided IF there were other women in your life that you were casually dating and exploring something with. Which would also stop you from ever being in a holding pattern. )

      Okay – my best guess is that she sees you as a friend. As I mentioned above there’s no mention of the important ingredients which go along with two people who are into each other sexually. Attraction. Tension. Teasing. Sexual chemistry. You’ve become predictable to her – there for her ( mostly ) and although there’s a possibility there could be more – someday – I don’t see it just yet.

      Unfortunately when I first read this part, “last two weeks have been all over the place. I text 1 or 2 messages and don’t get replies or get something hours later saying her phone wasn’t charged or she was at a friend’s house and never checked her phone” — I saw it as a test but also as a sign that she’s actually seeing another guy, maybe not completely sexual but something is going on which does include those important ingredients.

      Hopefully I’m wrong. You know I’m not always right.

      My advice would be to break out of this holding pattern and no matter how much you’re into her – you MUST branch out to other women so you can work from an attitude of abundance and not scarcity.

      In your spare time please read my Eliminate the Friends Zone ebook which you’ll find here:

      http://www.dialteg.com/friends-zone-steps-book/

      I’m in the process of re-writing it but there’s still a ton of information to help you through it all.

      Trust that your feeling for her may never change and while she’s still sorting things out in her life – new job – getting back on the horse again – it’s best for you to step back and sort of begin again with some time tested attraction. The comfort already there. The friendship is already there. But we need to change the dynamics of your relationship with her so she’ll start to see you as a “catch” and that she needs to actually “catch you.”

      Also make sure you read my latest post because, oddly enough, it WILL definitely help you get on the right path.

      http://www.dialteg.com/dating-choices-how-get-women-chase-you/

      Thanks for writing in Mike. I appreciate that you came to me and I do want you to succeed…

      All the best,

      Pete

      • Mike

        Hey Pete,

        Thanks for getting back to me and I appreciate your advice. To answer your question, no, there are no other women in my life at the moment. I understand the concept of distraction etc, but I just have this girl on my mind 24/7 and even though I try to get out to other women it seems futile right now.

        As far as “the girl”, nothing much has changed. I don’t initiate texts anymore and she does text occasionally, but something is definitely different. I never thought about her seeing someone and that is a possibility I suppose. I have to get better with not answering back right away. It was hard enough to not be the conversation initiator, but now I have to also try to “appear” busy or actually be too busy to always respond as soon as she reaches out. Future hangouts have been mentioned, but like I said earlier nothing much has changed and I think you hit it on the head….I found out information I wanted to hear and instantly changed my attitude towards her and she got freaked out. No idea what to do and this just sucks.

        Mike

  • jason

    hi peter, my situation is such.. i had a gf for 4 years and this summer we broke up and while we were together i met this girl who was in the same year at school with my gf and we started talking and eventually we started falling for each other. when i noticed what was going on I pulled away because i didn’t want to get emotionally involved with this girl while i had my gf. but we were still friends and used to talk and hang out sometimes my feelings for her were still there i guess i was just underplaying them, but this summer me and my gf broke up and me and this girl started getting close again and eventually i told her that i really care about her but i don’t want a relationship right now but i want to get to know her better and in the future we would see where it goes. she thinks that would be whats best right now because she isn’t ready for a serious relationship as yet and since i just came out of a long on and off one it wouldn’t feel right either so we agreed to just b friends just getting to know each other better. but lately i’ve been feeling like i’m the one initiating all the conversations, and i don’t want to pull away like i did last time and risk losing her again and also i don’t want to come across as this needy clingy guy who wants to talk to her 24/7. what should i do?

    • Hi Jason,

      The thing is – avoiding that risk of losing her again or having those kind of feelings is exactly how you’re going to come across as needy and clingy. And you’re not going to recognize it’s happening.

      Let’s look at it from her point of view…

      Here’s this guy who seems into me but then gives me the “let’s just be friends” talk because he doesn’t want a commitment right now.

      So to save face she tells you the same thing and how it’s okay with her when really it’s not – so she pulls away confused and thinking she had it all wrong.

      Deep down she’s confused as hell and to make matters worse – you’re NOW being more friendly than ever. Sort of acting like you don’t want to lose her – or you’re afraid you don’t have a chance anymore – and now you think she’s going to end up with someone else because you weren’t ready at the right time.

      Hey man. I understand this stuff happens. You’re just going along and the situation creeps up on you.

      The way I see it is – The TALK was wrong. It’s okay to tell a woman you have feelings for her IF you’re at least intimate but wanting to keep a girl around while you decide you’re ready and then telling her that doesn’t do much for your future with her because if is looking for something else, she’ll pull away.

      But there is a way around it and next time or this time – do things differently.

      Too many guys have it in their head that committing to a woman is how you keep her and that’s just not right and it’s probably the one of the biggest reason to NOT commit to her.

      The solution is not entirely simple but clear.

      Date her. Date other women. She dates you. She dates other guys. Explore life outside of each other while you’re both feeling a possible relationship out.

      You don’t need to tell a woman you’re not looking for a relationship right now, unless that’s all she will settle for and won’t date other guys.

      Just because you’re getting closer to any woman does not mean you automatically enter a relationship. Sometimes that takes a few months or even a few years.

      When you’re ready – and she’s ready – you’ve had a few fights – a few good times – when you’ve explored the good parts and the bad parts and seen how you both handle them AND no other woman seems to fit with you like she does…

      Trust me – you’ll be ready to commit by then.

      I’m not saying she will. I’m not even guaranteeing she will accept it. That’s her thing.

      BUT I am saying if you continue to “date” her and avoid seeing her everyday and talking to her everyday because you’re both “exploring” other options ALL you have to do is keep the attraction alive and let the relationship build naturally.

      Too many couples commit too early for lots of reasons but it doesn’t have to be that way.

      Love, attraction, or not – relationships are built over time WHILE you’re “Seeing” other people too.

      The risk will always be there but avoiding it only makes you do needy things.

      Risk losing her as she should risk losing you.

      The whole point is to have two people who are compatible and open enough to build a relationship into something which will last a really really really long time and is strong enough to fight off the trouble together.

      Hope that helps you Jason and the best of luck to you,

      Pete

  • Tommy

    Hi,
    I have a problem and I’m really finding it hard to control. I can’t say I’m a nice guy coz my gf complains that I don’t treat her well. It all started when her sister who was dating a next door friend came and asked if the sister could spend the night at my place. She had separated with her husband because he was hitting her so she had come to spend a little time with the sister, who was now my next door friend’s girlfriend. That night, one thing lead to the other and she started falling for me. She has two kids and I just found myself falling for her too. We had great sex and it’s one of the things that attracted her to me because her husband would leave her for 6 months…. And he would only visit for one or two days. Now the problem is that she’s constantly saying that she misses her kids and she would like to go and be with them. She has also been talking to her ex husband. She also has an attitude, she’s has anger and at times she would just get angry over nothing. Our relationship has gone cold and it’s affecting me to the extent that I can’t have sex with her even if I wanted to coz I can’t get an erection. The relationship is so stressful coz we could be okay this moment and the next minute things are worse. And btw she’s 6 years older than me. And although many people have advised me to quit I just can’t coz I love her so much. I’m always the one trying to make things right. She’s tried breaking up with me many times and I have always been the guy going down and begging her to come back. One day she wrote me a letter saying we can’t be together because she older than me and she has kids while I don’t. I still begged her to stay. Our relationship is now growing cold. I feel bad and it’s stressing me. Another thing is that we spend all the time together.
    Someone told me that she’s giving me signals that she wants out. I was also told that when children are involved, this people will always think about each other and they can most likely get back together.
    Should I let go or I can do something to make things right?

    • Hey Tommy – Yes. Let her go. Relationships aren’t built on begging, pleading, and stress.

      She wants something else and whether or not that is good for her or you is NOT something you have the privilege to decide for her. She must make her own decisions and come to her own conclusions and she’ll make better decisions while under less stress. If she needs help and is going to put herself in harms way then communicate that to the right people like her sister or the law.

      I understand it’s tough. It’s going to hurt. But I feel it’s going to hurt worse for both of you to continue on this path.

      This is the right and probably the perfect time to focus on your own issues so you can begin to grow stronger. Adding a relationship like this will only slow down that process and make it harder on you in the end.

      I know it’s tough to hear and how it’s easy for me to write like this than it is for you to follow but I can’t help that.

      But I know, with the right guidance, and the right focus you can help yourself a lot here Tommy and I’m hoping you get through it all the best you can,

      Pete

      • Tommy

        Tommy,
        Thanks for the advice Pete,
        Actually, I agree with you but what I did know how to do is how to break up with her. It has come to the point where she’s now telling me that she’s getting back with her husband because of the kids. Her husband is not a good man because he used to hit her and abandon her. Now I’m worried how her life is going to be and now she tells me she doesn’t want us to break and I’m feeling a little bit sad coz her life with her husband before I started it with her was horrible. She wants to go back to that life and I just don’t know how to tell her that I’m breaking up with especially at a time like this when she’s stressed.
        How do I break up with her without feeling the guilt?
        I completely accept that this is the time to focus on myself but I’m thinking about the life she’s going to live and I feel so bad.
        What should I do?

  • Zay

    Hey,
    I met this female friend 7 months ago, we was friends with benefits but she had a man. She didnt want him no more but she still had feelings. We had a great time, a lot of sex, a lot of conversation, and fun. We both started catching feelings but she fell back because she say she wasn’t ready for an relationship but I was still in the process of enjoying my time and taking how far it would go. Now it’s starting to change because she thinks I want to be in an relationship. I just feel like, I want to be her only sexual partner. She has some good stuff and I don’t want to picture anyone else. She told me it’s just me, She hates when I assume stuff. I know she cares about me like I care about her but she so stress with life right now. She wants space, Just texting and calls. What I do about that, I care about her a lot.

  • Justin Price

    Pete,

    i am a 26 year old man who lives on his own with a room mate.i live in Louisiana. i work in the IT department at an international corporation, i work out 5 days a week, and i hang out with my friends and family on the weekends. i met a woman offline from a dating website. we talked to get to know one another which lead to the point where we exchanged our numbers. We got a long talking to one another back and forth for a while before we met in person. one day we decided to meet in person by having dinner together. we really enjoyed our company by telling stories and making each other laugh and shared interests. i payed for the meal as a traditional gentleman when first time meeting. When the time came to part ways back to our homes, i decided to walk her to her car. she ran up to me to hold my hand, which caught me by surprise. we said we had a great time and she kissed me, which i kissed back. a week went by before we got together again. we made arrangements on me coming over and spending the night at her place. i was not expecting to get into her bed. i wanted to respect my boundaries where we had stood by sleeping on her couch while she slept in her bed, unless she was okay with me sleeping in the same bed with her. we started watching a romantic movie on her TV, the reception was not working very well and she just said forget the movie. we had a huge connection between each other because things started getting hot and heavy and the next thing i know we made love. before we made love she told me that “she didn’t want me to lose my respect” which i wasn’t thinking “ill get a piece of ass and be done with it” no i felt the amazing connection which caused to let ourselves go in that way. after we made love, she became severely distant where she hardly talked to me and i tried making arrangements to get together with her again. she explained to me that it was going to be difficult since she works in management for a retail company, along with participating in ballet dancing. since the seasons are coming in, she said she will always be busy, weekends included until January.
    one day i felt i wasn’t sure where we stood, i needed to know so that i wasn’t investing into something with someone that did not feel the same way. one day i tried to talk to her over the phone or in person but it seemed like it was not happening. i got on my Facebook and sent her a message saying “Hey i just want you too know something that has been going on. if you have something to respond, please call me or reply back on here. i would like to take a moment and express myself. i know you live in New Orleans and i know you have a busy schedule. i would like to know where we stand because i really like you and would like a chance with you. the last thing i want is to waste anyones because I’m not just some guy who gets what he wants from someone. i am a man wanting to make someone as happy as they can be.”
    i left the message at that to give her time to respond, her response to me was “i got your message on Facebook. i can’t talk right now because I’m at work. i am sorry i have distant this last week. i am not only overwhelmed with work and the high expectations that i have been recently challenged to, but my mom was also diagnosed with cervical cancer middle of last week. you are a really gentle and caring man and will make someone very, very happy. i can’t give myself into a relationship with anyone at this time being. i don’t believe in doing anything halfheartedly. and that is exactly what i would be doing. i need to focus on myself and mostly my family right now. i want you to know that this was not easy to tell you. I’m sorry”
    i backed off to give her the time and space she needed, i started being a distant friend by sending her a text saying hi every now and then to keep in touch. the thing is, i feel like there is something i can do but at the same time i can’t. i also feel like if i don’t do anything, she will slip away from me, again. i don’t know if she thinks about me because i think about her a lot. i am giving her all the time in the world and respect to take care of her life, i just feel helpless about this. is there anything that i can do or can you give me anything to better what i have going on here? advice or help will be greatly appreciated.

    • Hi Justin,

      My best guess is that she was only looking for an amazing ( sort of ) one night stand and you were it. Remember, relationships ARE about timing. You made her night, a few days, and some other stuff too which is a good thing man.

      On the side – some women after sex will become distance especially if they feel they had sex too quickly with you. Maybe it’s a little shame or guilt or something like that but it does happen.

      Whether that’s her case or not is hard for me to tell. I’m going with my gut here. You entered her life at a time when she wanted to share her body after having a great time. You were IT. Whether she felt guilty after or not probably doesn’t matter – what matters more is she pulled back because of exactly what she told you – it’s not time.

      I’m going to say – doing what you did by chasing her down after didn’t’ help much either. It’s cool that you wanted to express your feelings but it was just too early for that. Whether sex happened or not. When a woman pulls away like that, so quickly after sex, it’s usually best to let her work through what ever she’s feelings on her own.

      You had a “relationship” talk with her way too early putting way too much emphasis on the outcome of the sex almost like it was the deciding factor of your future together. That puts way too much pressure on her, and you, and tends to scream neediness. Sex is not usually the deciding factor to further a connection all the way to a relationship. Time and space do and how it’s used.

      Chances are by doing that, ( stepping back after she pulls away ) you open her up more to come back – if that’s what she feels is right for her. Remember women want to make their own decisions, to live their own lives, to be responsible for their actions, and they like to think things through on their own first.

      I don’t want you to ever think that a woman will slip away because THAT will have you acting out of need and frustration and urgency. Three things which will inevitably destroy the attraction. Women will tend to stay happy and want to be around you more when they stay attracted to you.

      The fact that you are thinking about her so much is a good sign to pull back and refrain from contacting her until she feels the time is right for her to contact you.

      It sucks if it doesn’t happen but it’s the best advice I can give. Don’t burn the bridge, don’t demand action on her part, meet some other woman and avoid the “after” thing you did the next time but get and keep other women in your life and see them casually. From that you’ll learn about what space and timing is really all about and how when two people really hit it off – over time – a relationship will develop and how when it’s forced or assumed based on sex and connection alone – rarely ever happen naturally.

      Hope that all helps you out Justin – stick to what you were doing to “get this girl” in the first place and what I’ve given you today and I’m positive you’ll see some great things happen in your future.

      Best of luck to you,

      Pete

  • Justin Price

    Pete,

    I will apologize ahead of time, I have a comprehension disability. sometimes I have trouble processing than most people. I have a series of questions about what you have told me regarding to your response. Yes, I do agree relationships are about timing and patience. I’m glad I made her night, it was my intention. I’m also glad some of the things I had done for her also was a good thing. Although I can understand the feeling of guilt or shame after an event such as that, if she felt either way wouldn’t she have stopped me or didn’t feel afraid I would lose my respect for her? If she did stop me from continuing, I would not have had a negative reaction nor would have been upset about it. I told her she would not lose my respect for her. I apologize about the case, if there was more information to offer, I would have provided in this response to you. When you said “You were IT.” You meant when I entered into her life, I was the person she wanted to share herself with at that time? Yes I wanted to respect the fact that she was at a time where she explained to me was not a good time for a relationship. The main reason why I did what I had done was to clarify with her and with myself so that impressions such as stalking or uncomfort did not occur. If I did not make the decision I had done, I believe she would get the impression that I would be obsessed with her and it would escalate to think I am a “creep” which I did not want to happen. That is what I am doing currently, I am letting her figure out whatever feeling she has on her own.
    Well, I was making sure that for the sake of my own good, I was not per-suing something that did not exist for a long period of time. I do not believe sex was a decision factor. I was explaining the fact that discovering how high the connection between us was very positive and passionate. If I am incorrect, please let me know I will not get offended when I am told I am wrong. I understand the pressure was put upon myself and her, that is why I was flexible with the answers and reactions she had. When you said “I don’t want you to ever think that a woman will slip away because THAT will have you acting out of need and frustration and urgency.” What did you mean by “THAT”?
    That is exactly what I am doing at the moment, I am letting her be happy with her life, letting her live her life, letting her make decisions on her own, and letting her go about her life like she normally does. Actually, I hardly contact her. So far I have only contacted her once a week, and its not a conversation at all. just a way of saying “just checking up on you” kind of bit. If you feel that I should quit contacting her completely and let her contact me, that will be tough but I will do it, if it will help with what I am going through. I say that because where I live over here, the women feel they should let the men chase them, not the other way around.
    I have no intention in burning the bridge because what she told me when I expressed myself to her I saw a window of hope which gave me the feeling that time is in my favor (or so that is what the feeling gave me). I am not demanding anything at all, I have no intention in demanding anything. I have been meeting other women actually, its been helping me out. I did not follow you when you said the ” ‘after’ thing”?
    I’d like to take a moment and thank you Pete, it’s really helped me with what I am going through and hopefully the outcome will be in my favor. When you said “stick to what you were doing to ‘get this girl’ in the first place and what I’ve given you today and I’m positive you’ll see some great things happen in your future.” You have given me the impression what I am doing along with your advice will greater my chances in the future with this woman I would like to have a chance with. Hearing that really lifts my spirits a lot. If this impression you gave me is incorrect, I apologize. Thanks for all the help again.

    Best Regards,

    Justin Price

    • No need to apologize Justin.

      Yes. When I said you were “it,” you were in the right place at the right time and you did the right things.

      What I meant by “that” was – Try to avoid thinking a woman’s going to slip away just because you give her space because, it’s that type of thinking which will more likely cause it to happen. When we act out of urgency or need or our thinking focuses on those areas – we tend to cause negative things to happen.

      It’s not guaranteed but is a much more beneficial way of thinking. Positive thoughts = more positive results. Negative thinking = negative results.

      Imagine this thought, “I don’t want her to slip away.” THAT might cause you to do things to make her slip away.

      The after thing I was talking about was – that you tend to over think or over state things because ( I believe ) you’re afraid of being misunderstood. Especially when it comes to the opposite sex. You don’t want her to get the wrong idea about you or your intentions.

      From that, you wrote this to her, “i would like to know where we stand because i really like you and would like a chance with you. the last thing i want is to waste anyones because I’m not just some guy who gets what he wants from someone. i am a man wanting to make someone as happy as they can be.”

      That’s the after thing which is not needed. Sure you can say how wonderful it was and stuff like that. Reassure her you’re a stand up guy if you want but watch out for the wording. Refrain from coming across like that after sex because it does give a hint of neediness.

      Slightly kidding here but it reminds me of “The Big Bang Theory” and Penny and her on and off boyfriend and how he tends to over think or talk too much about things “after”. I hope you get my meaning there.

      Okay so here it is – obviously women “dig you” and you’re doing something right.

      I would only like to see you , like I said above, avoid over thinking and have you assume the: You ARE understood by women through your actions. No need to tell them things like that because if you are a “stand up guy” which you are, they will see it and understand and want more of it from you without the explanations.

      Women tend to over think and over analyze men and relationships and what it “all” means – let them have that Justin. Hahaha!

      Seriously, go ahead and contact her but just keep it light and if you feel like you’re being misunderstood in any way, back up and allow her to do what so many women do so well – They get it. Trust me on that. They know what’s going on and they love to come to their own conclusions.

      Hope I didn’t confuse you even more.

      You’re welcome and I’m glad I’ve helped you. That’s awesome…

      Pete

  • Justin Price

    Pete,

    I do not think she is slipping away, I’m staying positive with that all the time, its just frustrating at times. I always remind myself that there is something there from what she had told me, the time is not in that “somethings” favor right now. I’m always looking at things on the bright side. When that bad feeling comes up, I always fill that bad feeling with the good feeling, which always overcomes negative. I have disciplined myself to not go outside of what i am currently doing when it comes to contact. the last thing I want is her to feel uncomfrotable.
    Well I try to study and repetitively read what I have read or heard due to my comprehension disability so that I don’t miss anything. along with that, I go back to the definitions of some words to help me comprehend more. I do have a small fear of being misunderstood due to my history of having a small communication issue (not being able to use the proper words or grammar). I do not believe that I have been misunderstood from her because when she did not understand what I had said, I clarified myself of what I had meant.
    I can agree with the small image of neediness but again, the decision I made was for the good of both parties and for the good of the relationship between us.
    I will try to avoid from over thinking things, I will try to let it process what they had said and go with the flow. I like to consider myself a “stand up guy” since I was brought up that way. I know women over think and over analyze things, that is why I try to make sure I am saying the correct words of what I want to say to them, which is why what I had wrote to her it took me 3 days to write on paper and put it in words to her.
    That is really reassuring that you agree with me contacting her and keeping it light, which is what I do currently. like I said, I do the “just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing.” Yes, I have no problem clarifying myself when misunderstanding occurs.

    Best Regards,

    Justin Price

Leave a Comment

css.php