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18. Give Her Space.

18. Give The Women You Are Attracted to… Space.

Sexual Woman

This may be the toughest behavior for most “nice guys” to adopt. And it will also sound radically contrary to what you’ve been brought up to believe by the media and your mom….
This will make the difference between the guy that walks away with the sweet taste of woman on his lips… or the bland and disappointing taste of her “friendship.”
How to Create (or Kill) Sexual Tension by Carlos Xuma

One rule of attraction implicitly states, when we chase those we are attracted to, they will run quicker than Forest Gump on steroids.

If you want one way that will always separate you from any pack of needy and horny nice guys better known as the “hot girl’s entourage,” it is to step back and give her space.

Allow her to live her own life. Allow her to make her own mistakes and more importantly, allow her to learn from those mistakes. Allow her to miss you.

And most importantly – She must understand you’re not needy, clingy, and desperately starved for her attention.

When you smother any woman with too much affection and attention you have little hope in creating sexual tension.

You’ll be that nice guy friend or worse, you’ll be her “go to guy” when she’s experiencing problems with the guy who either keeps blowing her off or has too little time for her.

Let’s not get too deep into the reasons for this approval seeking or “urgent” act of a man who is scared he’s going to miss something. Let’s leave it at –

I’ve been “that” guy and this is a big reason why I wrote Nice Guy Tip 18 – I thought if I left her alone, she would leave me. She would find someone else. I acted out of fear and had every excuse to explain my actions.

Women are not inanimate objects you can keep for yourself.

They have feelings and experience emotions at every level in their lives. They need space and the room to live their independent existence. They also need the space to determine you are right choice for her.
If you’re struggling as a nice guy and despite anything you do, you just can not give her the space she needs I have a few tips for you:

  • Date many women.
  • When you meet a woman you really like, quickly go out and find others like her.
  • Don’t be afraid to leave your phone at home once in a while.
  • Don’t be afraid to turn the phone off during your most desperate times.
  • Restrict how much you see her or contact her to at least half, maybe more depending where you’re at.
  • If you want to call her and you know you’re appearing desperate, STOP and get yourself busy doing something else. I used to journal my reasoning in vivid details. The longer it took me to write, the better chance my sense of urgency would take over.
  • In your weakest moments think of every clingy women who wouldn’t leave you alone and give yourself a hard smack.
  • If a woman has ever told you to ‘get a life’ (yes it’s happened to me) she may not be too far off. Find some goals besides getting a girlfriend.
  • This goes without saying – develop strong self-confidence and build your self-esteem.
  • Always remember to allow any sexual moments to build naturally and never force the issue. If you don’t know how, learn the true art of seduction.

As a nice guy, fear is the ultimate cause of not giving a woman enough space.

  • If you’re seeing her now and you’re worried she is going to cheat on you, your fears will actually push her closer to that next guy.

Another cause in not giving her space is pure neediness for affection.

  • We all desire affection. It feels good. But I guarantee it’s going to feel better if you can hold back a little more each time.

The third cause of a nice guy’s inability to give a woman space is a need to be affirmed.

  • You don’t feel loved unless she is always reaffirming her love for you. As the old saying goes, you can only be loved as much as you love yourself. If you don’t even like yourself then women are not your problem and will never solve it for you, despite how many times she tells you how worthy you are.

ONE LAST TIP: When your emotions are beginning to overwhelm you and you must see her despite your intuition, come here and start reading until you pass out.

I’m always happy to put you to sleep if it keeps you from crowding that girl. :)

Click here for the next tip – Confidence


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63 comments… add one

  • Tony

    Dear Peter,

    I have a situation myself. After college, I decided to move back home, unfortunately I had none of my close friends back to where I moved, so I decided to talk to more friends who were more like acquaintances (facebook). Since then, I kept tabs on a girl who I was friends with in HS but lost connection with until i finished school. When I came back, we would hangout a lot, workout a lot as well as talk a lot. During that time, I started to have feelings for her, to where I needed to walk away for a few weeks and get my emotions straight. My friend wanted to know why I left and told her that I had feelings for her and needed time to think. We both became open and she told me that she had feelings for me in the beginning of when we started hanging out but I didnt recognzied that so when I saw her as a friend, she closed the door. During that time I left, she was talking to a guy and started dating, she broke it off but still has feelings for the guy. What she told me was that she didnt want the feelings and didnt want to waste her time with someone who she couldnt see with. I guess what happen when I left, was she needed someone to talk to and since I wasnt in the picture for a few weeks, she bonded with the newly friend guy, they got close, but whom had a lot of flaws that she didnt want (what she told me). Fastfoward to now, she knows how I have these feelings for her, and recently I told her, if she did see something between us, and she said yes, that she can see herself spending her life with me, but she doesnt have the feelings for me because they are attached to the other guy, whom she doesnt want. I told her, why not just leave, and I guess she said it hurts too much to do so, and is stuck in limbo. They are only friends and not in a relationship, but she said that she cant reciprocate and take action with how I feel for her, because of where she is emotionally (shes up for dating but cant for now till she figures how to turn the offswitch for the guy). I feel as if I give her space, she would lose interest in me. Am i wrong about it. People told me to move on, or if Im being played, but me and her talked about it and she said that shes just stuck in a situation to where she cant leave because she doesnt know how. I told her, im here for her and willing to wait it out, up to a point and would be upfront if I decide to walk away. Im in no hurry, and I do see a lot of potential with her. But am I waiting for a lost cause?

    • Hey Tony,

      The problem is Tony – she knows you have feelings for her and you offered her something long-term. Instead you should’ve opted for casual dating or fooling around. Start with attraction and chemistry, enjoy some great connections and experiences and see if you’re actually right for her.

      You do that through actions and not words.

      Even if you believe she’s perfect for you – you have to let the situation prove to her that’s it’s real. Just saying it does nothing.

      She’s not placing any value on you because she doesn’t have to work for you. You’ve made it too easy on her. You haven’t offered any real challenge.

      Remember when you first met – how she wanted something but since you failed to act – she threw you in the friends zone to spare her own rejection. You ran away when you should’ve challenged her. That’s the pattern I’m seeing which is not working to attract her and make her feel those feelings she says she can’t give away.

      Give her space. Date other women. Make yourself the challenge she’s looking for. THAT will engage her interest more and not less.

      Because when you become unavailable to her and show her you’ve moved on AND are not talking about spending the rest of your life with her… she’ll probably begin to see you in a whole new light.

      STOP talking to her about her relationships or asking her what she wants or what’s going on in her world of attraction. IN fact for you I’d stop talking about those kind of things with other women until some time has passed and you’ve both been intimate several times.

      START doing things with other woman – start with attraction, then make a connection, enjoy the experiences, have fun with it no matter what the outcome is.

      STOP telling her you’re willing to wait it out. NO woman feels attracted to a guy who appears like a lost puppy waiting around for the owner to come home.

      GIVE her 2 times as much space as you feel comfortable with. ALLOW her to miss you. ALLOW her to do what she’s probably doing anyways… pining over some guy she’s most likely going to start dating again.

      LET her get it out of her system and live her own life and live by the choices she makes.

      If she loses interest – so be it. After some time create a challenge for her if you want, allow her to work for you, just don’t resort back to your old ways of talking about the future and how you have feelings for her and all that stuff.

      ACTION Tony. Challenge. That’s how you speak to a woman. That’s how you create attraction. Learn to risk rejection when those feelings come over you and not to run away to consider everything.

      Okay – I’ve said enough. I do hope you take it all as I mean it, only to help you.

      The best to you Tony and thanks for writing in,


  • Karan

    Hey Pete,
    I could relate a lot when read about your experience. But there are always a bit of twists and turns in everyone’s life, I’ll explain mine.
    It started out all well with a girl in college. She was in my class, we became good friends quickly as were in the same group and interactions level were high. We started working together after classes too. All this carried on for around 4-5 months. After which I thought of telling her about my feelings for her.

    When I proposed that night, I came to know a lot more about her. She was in a relationship with a guy for close to 2 years, around 2.5 years back. The relationship went bad and now she doesn’t trust anyone on these issues. She actually spoke while crying “How Can I Trust?”. In addition to that her relationship with her parents is also not upto mark. I was totally taken aback, as I was not expecting this.

    Now this thing has happened 5 months back. We are good friends, we chat daily. She says she wants to go out with me, but doesn’t like rumors moving around about us. So we end up discussing about going out every weekend and don’t go finally.

    The thing is I still love her, and don’t know what she feels about it. How should I go about it? Tired of being the nice guy


    • Hey Karan,

      What might feel like a twist and turn in your life is common to lots of men stuck in the friends zone…

      You became “friends first,” developed feelings for her, and after some time hoped she was feeling it too and the only way you believed you could find out was to profess your love for her.

      So you did your proposition and all you got was excuses as to why she might “want” something, but how she “can’t” because of… but you never found how how she really felt about YOU. Did you?

      You were given the old, “It’s not you it’s me!” and I understand how confusing and painful it is AND I wouldn’t so blunt about it if I wasn’t there myself many, many times.

      Hey man, it had nothing to do with how “nice” you are. Trust me on that.

      The thing is lots of women have trust issues. Lots of women have relationship problems with their parents. Lots of women don’t like to be talked about badly. Lots of women love to talk about their feelings and how they want to like the “best possible” person for them BUT…

      If they’re not feeling ATTRACTION it will make no difference in the world.

      Personally I would take this experience and use it as a marker. A moment in time where you first began to figure it all (women) out.

      Go through my Ebook as it’s in rewrite and I believe it will help you uncover the truths about what is really going on.


      I understand you’re in love with her. I understand how it feels like your “niceness” is holding you back or her back from feeling it for you BUT I also feel your best option at this point is to remove yourself from your source of pain and frustration AND to stop waiting around for things to change by themselves and start changing them and your interactions with women.

      I’m not saying you have to break your friendship with her but you definitely need to start looking elsewhere and start creating attraction with women from the very beginning. ( Unfortunately if that’s too difficult to do then yes, you must remove yourself and your close friendship with her. )

      This comes from my heart Karan and my deep experience with your exact situation. I’ve been there. Done it all. And as much as it pains me and haunted me for years, the best advice I give to you is what changed everything for me.

      It was work but worth every ounce of energy.

      Take my words kindly and I do hope this has changed your perspective for the better.

      Wishing you all the best,


  • John

    Met a girl online (new experience for me) and we hit it off. On the 3rd date we slept together, then didn’t see each other for a few days. Met her friends the following weekend, and late during the week after we slept together again. The weekend rolled around and I went out with her and her friends to the bars, etc… She tells me that she’s glad her friends like me but they don’t think we’ll last, but she’s happy she met me because I’m such a nice guy and she’s used to assholes. After that she got really sick, we still chatted and she slept at my place for a few days even (no sex, basically just took care of her). We saw each other again this weekend for her friends b-day but she was still really sick, really sober, and DD’ing for the night. Ended up only being me, her, and her bff + bff’s boyfriend at the bar. Those 2 were off playing grabass so I stuck around with my gal. Didn’t really feel like drinking a ton given the situation, plus the overpriced and piss weak drinks at the bar. We left and I stayed with her at her friend’s apartment but had to leave early and cab home.

    So here’s where the dilemma starts. Basically since that night she’s been super distant. We were supposed to hang out the following day but plans fell through due to some friend fighting the night before, and day of she wasn’t really responsive to texts. Next day same thing, few texts, all her responses 1 word so I gave up. 3rd day running now and I’m not initiating, trying to give space, but getting nothing from her. Girl is ridiculously hard to read. I know it’s probably she’s sick, busy, tired, dealing with her kid, friend drama, etc… but still seems odd to me. Really not sure what to make of the whole scenario – maybe I’ve been a bit too much the boring nice guy the past week with the taking care of her and whatnot? Best option just to cut contact for a few days and see what happens? I can definitely see what you’re talking about in terms of the fear creeping up, i.e. is she seeing someone else? Is she sick of me? Having to bite my tongue to keep from texting her again and trying to figure out what’s wrong. Or maybe I’m just being crazy. We’ve slept together, dated, hung out a bunch, were holding hands at dinner prior to going to the bars, and I can’t really think of anything that’s happened since then that would make her pull away (unless she thinks I’m boring on account of the not drinking much or running around the bar?).

    Worst part is I know this girl is bad for me. I’m having fun when we’re together, but I’ve learned multiple things already that would be deal breakers if I was in a serious dating, self confident sort of mindset; but I’m recently out of a breakup and definitely just using this as a distraction. I hate being wrapped around someone’s finger like this but honestly not sure how to get my brain back to the right state. Ultimately I want it to keep going right now because it’s fun, we’ve breached the physical boundaries, and it’s getting me up and out doing things on the weekends.

    • John

      So I texted her again this morning, no reply for a few hours and finally decided to call it quits. Wrote her one saying I don’t see us working long term and I don’t want to waste her time. Her reply was that the feeling was mutual.

      Definitely sucks still but at least I have my answer, though can’t help myself from wondering what possibly went awry between the weekend and today… Major downside of being the problem solving, analytic type :-|

      • Hey John,

        Nothing wrong with being the “problem solving analytic type” IF you use that information for good, avoid the same thing from happening next time, AND you don’t use it just to dwell on the past as if it can be changed.

        Your dilemma didn’t start where you felt it did. It probably started during your first interactions with her. How it all started you skipped over because you might have believed, “Hey she went on some dates with me and we slept together so it was working.” It’s easy to make that mistake.

        Let’s work our way back to see if we can make sense of all this.

        You told her you didn’t want to waste HER time. What about your time?

        Great job on ending it honestly and up-front rather than acting like some disappearing jerk BUT it’s apparent up until that point you were just following her along. You were already acting like you were in a relationship. I know it sounds bad but…

        How do you believe she would’ve acted if you were dating other women non-exclusively AND she believed she couldn’t have you whenever she wanted?

        Stay on YOUR time John. You got too heavy too quickly with a woman who was looking for a challenge. She probably went with it at first just to find out for real and quickly realized her intuition was right. You didn’t challenge her enough, made her feel like you had no other options.

        You gave her what she wanted without compromise and when she realized she didn’t have to work for IT, YOU, or how you became a nurturer all too early, you were given the status of one of her girlfriends.

        Women need to work for you. It gives you value. It makes them feel like they’re accomplishing something. Now you don’t have to be an ass about it. There are ways to do it while still keep your strong values and beliefs and your obvious ability to be a stand up guy. You can work with what you have.

        I’m going to suggest you take YOUR time next time. Give her time to miss you. Allow her time to think about what YOU’RE doing. If everything which happened in the beginning between you, her, and her friends, was stretched out over a few weeks or even a month or two, things would probably have worked out differently. Sure you would’ve realized her lifestyle wasn’t all you wanted by then but you would’ve found her trying to qualify herself to you, rather than the other way around.

        Once she knew she had you the bubble popped. She called you a “nice guy” unlike the other jerks she dated because she knows she can get a nice guy BUT she just doesn’t FEEL that way about him. They offer no real challenge to her.

        Listen, you don’t have to live an amazing lifestyle to NOT bore women. When you become a real genuine challenge and stretch out your interactions with them, while dating others and living YOUR life despite women, focus on creating emotions with her… you can be rest assured you won’t be boring to women.

        Take for example when you mentioned this, “…unless she thinks I’m boring on account of the not drinking much or running around the bar”, First doesn’t that bore YOU? It sounds like it does. Then you hang a for a short time, think to yourself what YOU want to be doing which is more fun, and say, “Hey. I’m not really into this stuff too much. I’m going to do this… You’re welcome to join me. Otherwise we’ll catch up later.”

        You say you’re having fun together but were you really? Or were you just into the intimacy of hanging out with her and holding hands and shit? That’s cool and all. Who wouldn’t love it… BUT you could be doing that anywhere where you’re not following her and her friends around. AND someplace YOU get to take the lead rather than follow her.

        Your last statement said a lot so I want you to consider it; you’re smarter than you give yourself credit for. You figured it all out on your own. You wrote,

        “I hate being wrapped around someone’s finger like this but honestly not sure how to get my brain back to the right state. Ultimately I want it to keep going right now because it’s fun, we’ve breached the physical boundaries, and it’s getting me up and out doing things on the weekends.”

        You knew she had you wrapped around her finger thus you pose no real challenge. You knew you got caught up too quickly and you settled because your brain felt comfortable.

        BUT most of all SHE got you up and out doing things on the weekends.

        Which tells me, still search online, still date women, BUT you have to get through all this without women being the only reasons you get out on the weekends.

        Here’s a cool quote, “There is no more security in having a girlfriend than there is in being a single, Dynamic man with the ability to create the dating life HE wants.” Read that article, it could help a little:


        And this too:

        “You can’t be a whole man until you learn how to live and be happy without a woman in your life. Period.”


        Okay John… You’re doing so much right. Don’t let this one thing keep you down and have you believe you don’t know what’s going on. You DID figure it all out by yourself. You DID see it coming.

        I feel a ton of good came from this situation so I hope you do too,

        Thanks for sharing and all the best of luck to you,


        • John

          Hi Pete,

          Thanks for the response. Very perceptive! Definitely boiled down to only being 1 month out of a divorce and seeking affirmation through this girl versus being self affirmed and objectively looking for someone who’s actually fun to be around. Looking back, you’re very right, it wasn’t fun- I was over the loud, expensive bar scene bs 5 years ago and it was very much just the physical closeness and intimacy tricking me into thinking this was a good, fun thing. Between the bar and dinner I’m out $130 on that one night – what a waste!

          Will definitely keep at it and get back to a state where I’m cool just being me, with or without a woman.


  • John

    Hi Peter,

    I’m in a dire situation, I violated her trust in me and failed to give her the space she asked for because I was so guilt ridden that I got drunk and showed up at her place in the middle of the night. I’ve read several sites and even asked friends for advice. Sites say a day or two and reach out. My friends say wait until she texts or wait a week to reach out. I feel absolutely horrible and want to fix this. She means the world to me, and I told her that I would do whatever it took for her to trust me again. Do you have any suggestions? Should I wait for her to text me first or wait for a week and then reach out. Or wait until Monday?
    How should I go about fixing this trust?

    Thank you,

    • Hi John,

      I don’t believe you can fix or mend a trust on your end. That MUST come from her which means there’s not definitive time table which is correct. It all depends on her and the many things which she has experienced in her life and probably lots of other stuff too.

      Okay. So you screwed up. You can’t go back in time. You can’t fix the past. It happened. In the larger scheme of life you haven’t done what a million possibly more men AND women have done… got drunk and acted… well drunk.

      Take full responsibility for what you did and understand where it all fits in your life. If it’s a continuing pattern then better yourself enough to in the very least, stop it from happening again, or curtail your drinking until a time where you’re strong enough to resist the drunk temptation I too myself have fallen for. You’re not alone here John. Not many among us can faithfully say we haven’t busted out an ex or past girlfriend while in drunken stupor.

      Again, if it’s a pattern that continues to happen, THAT needs to stop. That’s what YOU can do. Doing things for yourself will give you the best opportunity to regain the trust.

      My thoughts are: Until you’ve found yourself in a better place, do NOT contact her again. Until you feel ultimately strong enough to deal with the emotions which brought you to act the way you did. And means everything that led up to you “giving her space” in the first place.

      Being a stand up guy – admitting a weakness – overcoming the faults of the past – taking responsibility for your actions and admitting where they lie in the whole scheme of life – notice all that centers around yourself and truthfully has little to do with her – THAT is how you open someone else to accept and trust YOU again.

      Do those things for yourself and accept whether or not she will ever trust you again because that’s her internal thing which you have no privy to. That’s what I mean by how you can not fix it on her end.

      I”m not talking blind selfishness. I’m talking internal completeness and gathering the strength to resist from allowing the past to happen again.

      Give her ALL the time she needs to come to her own conclusions for herself. Offer a quick apology with no strings attached. Just to let her be aware you’ve taken responsibility. Do NOT tell her it won’t happen again or reassure her in any way you’re not susceptible to future mistakes.

      Something quick like,

      “I’m sorry I was an ass. I’m gonna work on that.”

      Then let it go. Don’t sit around waiting or pining over a response. Get to “working on that” and all I listed above.

      Mistakes happen John. If you want to feel better about it, spend some time giving something to someone who might need it and NOT her until a time you can handle or are strong enough to keep your promise of space.

      You can do it,


      • John

        Hi Pete,
        She contacts me Friday night saying that she wanted to see for herself that I’m really working on my boundary issues by suggesting I help her with some errands the next day. I did exactly that, helped her get her things done, and kept to myself and went home when it was late. She asked me to come back the next day to get her day started so I did that too. I didn’t get much sleep, but I still went to her place at 9:30am. She saw that I was falling asleep waiting for her so she told me to lay down next to her and to keep my space and her space. I placed a pillow in between us and laid at the corner of her bed because it took me every ounce of me to fight the temptation of wanting to cuddle her because we were all over each other just a week ago before i messed things up. But again I kept to myself and went home after she got up because I was too tired to run her errands with her even though she asked me to. My friends suggest that I keep this up, but don’t make myself so readily available to her. Give her time and space and keep being there for her when I can. And to talk to her about her and I when she comes back from Vegas next weekend for her dads birthday. Do you think that’s wise? No show of affection at all for this week when I’m with her. And talk to her about whether she really wants to work things out with me? Or do as you suggest and let her come at her own time, and just doing what I’m doing. Because it does hurt to be treated so platonically after us being so crazy about each other until I violated her trust in me.

        Thank you so much


        • Hey John,

          I’m not sure what you did that caused all these “boundary issues” you’re mentioning. Normally when we talk about giving a woman space, we’re helping guys get over being or acting needy, desperate, or revolving their lives around one woman they probably can never be with, disregarding a few exceptions of course.

          That is NOT what I’m seeing here.

          She says to give her space but then asks you to help her with HER errands?

          She then asked you again to help her the next day, lets you sleep in her bed, but asks you to “stay on your own side” to “show her you can handle it”???

          Did you cheat on her while you were in an a very defined exclusive relationship? Because honestly, that’s the only reason I could see all that happening.

          If that is what happened then I still maintain what I suggested before in my previous comment.

          If not, then something is seriously wrong with this picture.

          You don’t gain or get respect from anyone by kissing their ass or doing favors for them on THEIR terms. It’s typically called “being used”.

  • Lea

    Hi Peter,
    So there’s this girl that I like. We’re actually dating. She’s not like any other woman I’ve ever dated, she’s actually a mom. Usually I wouldn’t need to ask for advice. I hope I don’t sound cocky when I say this because I’m not. Just trying to make sure you get the full story. I don’t have any problems when it comes to women, I’m a good looking young guy with a steady job and good income. I’ve had a lot of fun over the years with different women, I never met anyone that interested me much. When I first met the special lady I mentioned, was at a club where she works at. According to my friends, she’s the type of person that spends all night rejecting guys left and right focusing on work and her kids. She says she saw something different in me so she gave me a shot. That same night we went somewhere else, danced until six in the morning, went home had an amazing night followed by an amazing morning followed by an amazing Monday an amazing Tuesday an amazing Wednesday. You get the point? Everything was fine except that we were both making hasty decisions like blowing off work, letting bills pile up and just being very irresponsible. After a few weeks, she realized how those hasty decisions put her in a bad financial situation. She basically told me that she needs some space. She wants to spend time with her kids and I understand. But this is the first time that anyone of my girlfriends has ever shown such devotion to someone other than themselves or myself for that matter. That has opened my eyes, here’s a girl who has been taking care of herself and her kids all alone. She’s a fighter, she’s a great mom And I can’t stop thinking about her. I check on her Facebook account every hour I used to text her every 2 hours but I realized how pathetic I was and how I would eventually lose her so I calmed myself down. I’ve told her how I want to help her and be there for her and her kids in any way possible but she says she needs time and space. I guess I’m just looking for reinsurance that I’m doing the right thing here.


    • Hi Lea,

      You’re doing the right thing by giving her space.

      What I would be very aware of is that this woman is used to maintaining control over her life.

      Offering her help might actually push her away because she probably will feel weak and less responsible by accepting help and might take offense to such actions.

      Trust if she’s strong enough to have made it on her own, she’s also smart ( and strong ) enough to ask for help when SHE needs it.

      Give her the time and space to get affairs back in order and show her how strong you believe she is by remaining neutral. That will also show her your strength.

      Often you’ll find some women who are always so stand-offish ( because of their choice or situation in life )deprive themselves of certain needs and can easily go off the deep end when someone comes along who makes them feel some deep emotions. A lot like going out on a binge after a long fast.

      What usually comes after is guilt. So let her run through her guilt.

      Hopefully the reassurance you needed Lea. All the best to you,


      • leandro Sanchez

        Thanks Pete,
        Hopefully things will work out. I’ll let you know how it goes.


  • Daniel

    Hello, so my girlfriend suddenly stopped talking to me and started getting annoyed with me, I got information for her sister that she said I was too clingy and needy. How can I salvage the situation, I have not contacted her in like 3 weeks and she is also yet to contact me , I need help. Should I give up on her ?

    • Hello Daniel,

      You don’t have to give up on her but you must definitely re-focus on things which will get your focus off of her and on to this problem. Since this is an area which can become quite personal and is impossible to fix in a comment, try reading these two other articles I wrote:

      Are Your Space Issues Pushing Women Away

      She Said, I Need Space” The Difference Between Giving Her Space and Creating The Space Necessary

      Hopefully they’ll get you headed in the right direction.

      Normally, based on my personal experience with women, I had this problem because I felt I had little choices, I always felt insecure or not good enough for women, I always felt a creeping sense of urgency, and definitely could not wrap my brain around the fact that attraction and missing NEEDS space.

      I knew that was right but just couldn’t get myself to act from there and not from the overwhelming feelings of loss.

      Once you begin to see how all that works, focus on gaining and building your esteem and confidence, give up on controlling things beyond your control, control what you DO have control over… yourself, it WILL get easier.

      Wishing you all the best Daniel and take it from a guy who got through it, it IS possible. I won’t guarantee you can salvage this one relationship, BUT by then, it might not matter anyways because you’ll be acting from a more secure place.


  • Josh

    Hey Peter, I have been seeing a girl on and off that I met on Tinder this past February. I was living in a totally different city, but we wound up having a few things in common, and as silly as Tinder is, I used it to chat with and keep her interested in me for over a month until I actually relocated (for personal reasons not involving her) to the same city as her.

    We hit it off pretty great. She’s smart, super cute, and she really knew how to keep me on my toes and surprise me with different takes on life and strong conversation (turns out we were both History majors at the same university at the same time). She was almost always asking me how my day was, and if I went out of town to go to music festivals she always wanted to know what they were like and how much fun I was having. I think it was genuine interest and not her checking on me to see if I was talking to other girls on the road (which I did because come on, right?) Naturally I was struck. And, after about two or three weeks she invites me back to her place for a few drinks, and before I know it her and I are taking smoke breaks between some steamy lovemaking! Score one for the nice guy!

    We did this again a couple of nights later, and it wasn’t quite as good, I’d had a few too many margaritas and the room was sorta spinning so my game was a bit off, but hey… we had fun, and it seemed genuine. The next day I went to go with her while she got a tattoo, I bought her dinner, and we had a great time all the way back to her place. I think I had one of the deepest conversations I’ve ever had in years with her that night. Dude… hook, line and sink me, right?

    She sent me home that night! I didn’t think much about it until the next day. She seemed a bit hesitant to kiss me bye. Easter Sunday rolls around, I wish her a happy holiday and she blows that off, although she’d said she had family plans, let’s face it I got blown off. The next day I asked her out to dinner after I got a good job interview, to celebrate. She says she wound up with plans. Come to find out, my next door neighbor tells me, “yeah I was gonna hang out with this girl tonight but my car is broken so I stayed home and got high instead”. Turns out it’s the same chick!!

    Dude, do I smell a bro down competition between this next door coffee stain of a guy who basically has no idea I’m also talking to this girl? Do I go blaming her for talking to other dudes mere days after I’ve been inside of her? Is there no standard anymore with this youth gone wild?

    Well no, I’ve been trying to play it cool all week, although I feel like my once a day texts have been too much attention for her, because she takes hours to respond to me, or when I text about plans she quickly responds that she’s already out with friends. But here’s the kicker, last night she texted ME on my plans, and I told her that in an effort to save some needed money that I was just chilling, but I would be up for splitting a six pack of beer with her at her place. She responds several hours later with, “I honestly want to go out tonight. Maybe we can some other time!”

    I may have messed up by texting her later that I too had cabin fever, and was then going to go out for a drink, then invited her, and never heard back from her that night. Yikes… I guess looking back I should have just let sleeping dragons lie… or something like that.

    Listen, I know it’s a lot to read, but I do like this chick, and yes I know there are so many more girls out there… but I guess I’m tired of the games, the getting to know someone, 21 questions, having to prove myself. I’d like to hold onto to someone I like instead of have to start over. I guess I’m not as afraid of losing her (which I honestly am, I know it sounds terrible), but I’m even more afraid of starting over.

    She seems great, she’s fun to be around, but I can’t gauge if she’s just a 25 year old girl checking her options just as much as the next person is, or if she’s just flaky. She did admit to being shady to me, but tried to play it off like that was a cute attribute. But then again… I’m shady, so is this karma, hahaha?

    What’s some good advice? My I don’t have many friends here because I’m new, and reading forums of pissed off 20 something year old dudes isn’t inspiring.

    – Josh

    • Hey Josh,

      The first thing that crosses my mind is… you’re in “relationship” mode and she’s in, “let’s kick it around and see what happens.” If you’re texting her everyday, asking how she’s doing, wishing her happy holiday, you know things like that, she’s going to sense you’re looking for more. Which you are so that’s no secret.

      So yes, she’s a 25 year old still checking out her options AND she’s flaky too. Which from what I’ve seen and experienced, lots of women are flaky around this whole dating thing. The more important thing to look for is HOW she responds to her flakiness with regards to YOU.

      Which means, in her flakiness, if she’s always trying to make it up to you that’s a GOOD sign she wants more. If she doesn’t seem to care or notice then she’s either just that way or uses it as an excuse to avoid responsibilities or avoid getting too involved with someone. ( Which seems to be your case. )

      Here’s my quick take on things… She’s looking for a challenge BUT she’s also seems very hesitant to get into any relationship at all. So she’ll pull back when things start to get too close and disappear.

      It appears she would be more open to a relationship with a guy she has to work extra extra extra hard for and who isn’t willing to give her what she wants or needs too quickly.

      I don’t think you have to start over but you definitely need to NOT rule out other women. I’m sure there are lots of other girls you’ll find you’ll like who may be just as ready as you are. It should be easier now that you have a clearer idea of what you’re looking for, right?

      Obliviously pushing things with this girl isn’t going to work. She’ll fight back the entire way. And you must know when someone’s not ready it either isn’t going to happen or she’ll begin to regret her decisions and will probably end up seeing other guys behind your back anyways. It becomes a disaster just waiting top happen.

      Yes, so you like this chic but she’s done nothing but confuse you, keep you off your game, and since now all your focus as on doing things to keep her or get her, she’s knows she’s in charge and therefor realizing she wants more. Again to work hard for some guy who does it for her like no other guy can. ( Whether or not it’s conscious or subconscious on her part doesn’t really matter. )

      I have to cut this short but think about what I’ve wrote for you,

      Read this even if you already have,


      And then get back to me on your thoughts and we’ll see what comes next.

      Thanks for writing in Josh,


      • Josh

        Hey Peter, thanks for the advice and the links. I think this site has really shed some light on me, and I feel like there is a lot of material to be used to my advantage. I like this site because I’m not an asshole to girls and this place isn’t about turning me into this PUA kind of guy. I was never into that, and considering that I’ve played around in lots of bands around the city, my look and presence alone is sometimes enough to take a chick home after a show.

        But I’m tired of all of that. I think you were on the money when you said that I am in “relationship” mode. I think I am too. I’d like a girlfriend. Although, I’m not sure if I’m in a position to whine and dine, due to me relocating and still having a tough time finding solid work (Thanks for the 32 places to take a date; Im searching for skating rinks!).

        I’ve since seen the girl that I spoke of earlier and it was a little interesting but I haven’t been getting my way with her; I mean that in the most non selfish way… I’m not getting anywhere with it, I don’t think. Or I can’t tell. And as a friend once said, if you don’t think you’re getting anywhere with her, then you probably aren’t.

        Last weekend after a couple of days of dead silence she spoke up saying that she must have missed my text messages from days before. Whether that’s true or not I wouldn’t know, but I simply texted her short and sweet, “I didn’t take it personally. But thanks.” Pretty slick way to not sound too emotional about it… because believe me, dude… I was upset about hahaha. Lame, I know but hey when you like em, you like em.

        Here’s the plot twist. So her and I have been speaking about a month, we have sex a few times, and she goes a bit cold after Easter weekend. Maybe she though I sucked in bed… I don’t usually, but I felt like the sex was alright. I know women put a lot of thought into how the sex is/was to gauge if a guy is worth sleeping with regularly or nah…

        After her and I had been up at 2AM talking I decided to give the sexy button a push. I told her, I’d like to go to sleep but every time I close my eyes I see you in that sexy black lingerie. She responds pretty quick with stuff like, I shouldn’t have done that, it was too much, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about our friendship “or whatever we have,” as she puts it.

        Um… ok…

        So I tell her the next day, that I’m I understand that we aren’t exclusive or anything, but I’ve liked getting to know her and I added that if she wanted to we could take it slow and see where it goes. She responded fairly positively with that, saying “Glad we are on the same page,” or something to that effect.

        Well, it’s been a week, and she invited me to watch horror movies with her roommate one night (which an old girlfriend of mine advised me not to go spend any further time with her, but I was literally told this en route to this chicks house, and I didn’t wanna say, “Oh shit I just hit a reindeer and I have to take it to the hospital, sorry have fun without me”) We both shot some pool with friends a couple of nights later, it wound up being her and I together and as she left I may have had a few too many beers and was hanging in her car window as she was smoking. We had been discussing relationships a bit with each other but it was very laid back, I wasn’t using “us” or “we” or comparing. We just talked. There was a point in the conversation where she backed off a bit, with a smile as she said she thought she should keep her things to herself.

        She’s guarding something.

        Maybe I shouldn’t have leaned into her car window and pecked her cheek. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her that there’s this wicked fast guitar hero who looks like Johnny Depp that happens to like her (That’s me! Damn tequila shot making me admit my feelings and shit).

        I watched her drive off, smiled, took a leak… and went and collected this other cute chick’s number because I needed the self esteem boost. Then I took a look at your Giving Her Space link and I while I was torn, I thought it best to begin radio silence. We are on day 2 of not talking. And I don’t like it.

        But I have a coffee date with a different girl tomorrow. Can you see any of this from another angle and tell me what I’ve got going for myself, and what I could work on?


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