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18. Give Her Space.

18. Give The Women You Are Attracted to… Space.

Sexual Woman

This may be the toughest behavior for most “nice guys” to adopt. And it will also sound radically contrary to what you’ve been brought up to believe by the media and your mom….
This will make the difference between the guy that walks away with the sweet taste of woman on his lips… or the bland and disappointing taste of her “friendship.”
How to Create (or Kill) Sexual Tension by Carlos Xuma

One rule of attraction implicitly states, when we chase those we are attracted to, they will run quicker than Forest Gump on steroids.

If you want one way that will always separate you from any pack of needy and horny nice guys better known as the “hot girl’s entourage,” it is to step back and give her space.

Allow her to live her own life. Allow her to make her own mistakes and more importantly, allow her to learn from those mistakes. Allow her to miss you.

And most importantly – She must understand you’re not needy, clingy, and desperately starved for her attention.

When you smother any woman with too much affection and attention you have little hope in creating sexual tension.

You’ll be that nice guy friend or worse, you’ll be her “go to guy” when she’s experiencing problems with the guy who either keeps blowing her off or has too little time for her.

Let’s not get too deep into the reasons for this approval seeking or “urgent” act of a man who is scared he’s going to miss something. Let’s leave it at –

I’ve been “that” guy and this is a big reason why I wrote Nice Guy Tip 18 – I thought if I left her alone, she would leave me. She would find someone else. I acted out of fear and had every excuse to explain my actions.

Women are not inanimate objects you can keep for yourself.

They have feelings and experience emotions at every level in their lives. They need space and the room to live their independent existence. They also need the space to determine you are right choice for her.
If you’re struggling as a nice guy and despite anything you do, you just can not give her the space she needs I have a few tips for you:

  • Date many women.
  • When you meet a woman you really like, quickly go out and find others like her.
  • Don’t be afraid to leave your phone at home once in a while.
  • Don’t be afraid to turn the phone off during your most desperate times.
  • Restrict how much you see her or contact her to at least half, maybe more depending where you’re at.
  • If you want to call her and you know you’re appearing desperate, STOP and get yourself busy doing something else. I used to journal my reasoning in vivid details. The longer it took me to write, the better chance my sense of urgency would take over.
  • In your weakest moments think of every clingy women who wouldn’t leave you alone and give yourself a hard smack.
  • If a woman has ever told you to ‘get a life’ (yes it’s happened to me) she may not be too far off. Find some goals besides getting a girlfriend.
  • This goes without saying – develop strong self-confidence and build your self-esteem.
  • Always remember to allow any sexual moments to build naturally and never force the issue. If you don’t know how, learn the true art of seduction.

As a nice guy, fear is the ultimate cause of not giving a woman enough space.

  • If you’re seeing her now and you’re worried she is going to cheat on you, your fears will actually push her closer to that next guy.

Another cause in not giving her space is pure neediness for affection.

  • We all desire affection. It feels good. But I guarantee it’s going to feel better if you can hold back a little more each time.

The third cause of a nice guy’s inability to give a woman space is a need to be affirmed.

  • You don’t feel loved unless she is always reaffirming her love for you. As the old saying goes, you can only be loved as much as you love yourself. If you don’t even like yourself then women are not your problem and will never solve it for you, despite how many times she tells you how worthy you are.

ONE LAST TIP: When your emotions are beginning to overwhelm you and you must see her despite your intuition, come here and start reading until you pass out.

I’m always happy to put you to sleep if it keeps you from crowding that girl. :)

Click here for the next tip – Confidence

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54 comments… add one

  • Tony

    Dear Peter,

    I have a situation myself. After college, I decided to move back home, unfortunately I had none of my close friends back to where I moved, so I decided to talk to more friends who were more like acquaintances (facebook). Since then, I kept tabs on a girl who I was friends with in HS but lost connection with until i finished school. When I came back, we would hangout a lot, workout a lot as well as talk a lot. During that time, I started to have feelings for her, to where I needed to walk away for a few weeks and get my emotions straight. My friend wanted to know why I left and told her that I had feelings for her and needed time to think. We both became open and she told me that she had feelings for me in the beginning of when we started hanging out but I didnt recognzied that so when I saw her as a friend, she closed the door. During that time I left, she was talking to a guy and started dating, she broke it off but still has feelings for the guy. What she told me was that she didnt want the feelings and didnt want to waste her time with someone who she couldnt see with. I guess what happen when I left, was she needed someone to talk to and since I wasnt in the picture for a few weeks, she bonded with the newly friend guy, they got close, but whom had a lot of flaws that she didnt want (what she told me). Fastfoward to now, she knows how I have these feelings for her, and recently I told her, if she did see something between us, and she said yes, that she can see herself spending her life with me, but she doesnt have the feelings for me because they are attached to the other guy, whom she doesnt want. I told her, why not just leave, and I guess she said it hurts too much to do so, and is stuck in limbo. They are only friends and not in a relationship, but she said that she cant reciprocate and take action with how I feel for her, because of where she is emotionally (shes up for dating but cant for now till she figures how to turn the offswitch for the guy). I feel as if I give her space, she would lose interest in me. Am i wrong about it. People told me to move on, or if Im being played, but me and her talked about it and she said that shes just stuck in a situation to where she cant leave because she doesnt know how. I told her, im here for her and willing to wait it out, up to a point and would be upfront if I decide to walk away. Im in no hurry, and I do see a lot of potential with her. But am I waiting for a lost cause?

    • Hey Tony,

      The problem is Tony – she knows you have feelings for her and you offered her something long-term. Instead you should’ve opted for casual dating or fooling around. Start with attraction and chemistry, enjoy some great connections and experiences and see if you’re actually right for her.

      You do that through actions and not words.

      Even if you believe she’s perfect for you – you have to let the situation prove to her that’s it’s real. Just saying it does nothing.

      She’s not placing any value on you because she doesn’t have to work for you. You’ve made it too easy on her. You haven’t offered any real challenge.

      Remember when you first met – how she wanted something but since you failed to act – she threw you in the friends zone to spare her own rejection. You ran away when you should’ve challenged her. That’s the pattern I’m seeing which is not working to attract her and make her feel those feelings she says she can’t give away.

      Give her space. Date other women. Make yourself the challenge she’s looking for. THAT will engage her interest more and not less.

      Because when you become unavailable to her and show her you’ve moved on AND are not talking about spending the rest of your life with her… she’ll probably begin to see you in a whole new light.

      STOP talking to her about her relationships or asking her what she wants or what’s going on in her world of attraction. IN fact for you I’d stop talking about those kind of things with other women until some time has passed and you’ve both been intimate several times.

      START doing things with other woman – start with attraction, then make a connection, enjoy the experiences, have fun with it no matter what the outcome is.

      STOP telling her you’re willing to wait it out. NO woman feels attracted to a guy who appears like a lost puppy waiting around for the owner to come home.

      GIVE her 2 times as much space as you feel comfortable with. ALLOW her to miss you. ALLOW her to do what she’s probably doing anyways… pining over some guy she’s most likely going to start dating again.

      LET her get it out of her system and live her own life and live by the choices she makes.

      If she loses interest – so be it. After some time create a challenge for her if you want, allow her to work for you, just don’t resort back to your old ways of talking about the future and how you have feelings for her and all that stuff.

      ACTION Tony. Challenge. That’s how you speak to a woman. That’s how you create attraction. Learn to risk rejection when those feelings come over you and not to run away to consider everything.

      Okay – I’ve said enough. I do hope you take it all as I mean it, only to help you.

      The best to you Tony and thanks for writing in,

      Pete

  • Karan

    Hey Pete,
    I could relate a lot when read about your experience. But there are always a bit of twists and turns in everyone’s life, I’ll explain mine.
    It started out all well with a girl in college. She was in my class, we became good friends quickly as were in the same group and interactions level were high. We started working together after classes too. All this carried on for around 4-5 months. After which I thought of telling her about my feelings for her.

    When I proposed that night, I came to know a lot more about her. She was in a relationship with a guy for close to 2 years, around 2.5 years back. The relationship went bad and now she doesn’t trust anyone on these issues. She actually spoke while crying “How Can I Trust?”. In addition to that her relationship with her parents is also not upto mark. I was totally taken aback, as I was not expecting this.

    Now this thing has happened 5 months back. We are good friends, we chat daily. She says she wants to go out with me, but doesn’t like rumors moving around about us. So we end up discussing about going out every weekend and don’t go finally.

    The thing is I still love her, and don’t know what she feels about it. How should I go about it? Tired of being the nice guy

    Thanks
    Karan

    • Hey Karan,

      What might feel like a twist and turn in your life is common to lots of men stuck in the friends zone…

      You became “friends first,” developed feelings for her, and after some time hoped she was feeling it too and the only way you believed you could find out was to profess your love for her.

      So you did your proposition and all you got was excuses as to why she might “want” something, but how she “can’t” because of… but you never found how how she really felt about YOU. Did you?

      You were given the old, “It’s not you it’s me!” and I understand how confusing and painful it is AND I wouldn’t so blunt about it if I wasn’t there myself many, many times.

      Hey man, it had nothing to do with how “nice” you are. Trust me on that.

      The thing is lots of women have trust issues. Lots of women have relationship problems with their parents. Lots of women don’t like to be talked about badly. Lots of women love to talk about their feelings and how they want to like the “best possible” person for them BUT…

      If they’re not feeling ATTRACTION it will make no difference in the world.

      Personally I would take this experience and use it as a marker. A moment in time where you first began to figure it all (women) out.

      Go through my Ebook as it’s in rewrite and I believe it will help you uncover the truths about what is really going on.

      http://www.dialteg.com/friends-zone-steps-book/

      I understand you’re in love with her. I understand how it feels like your “niceness” is holding you back or her back from feeling it for you BUT I also feel your best option at this point is to remove yourself from your source of pain and frustration AND to stop waiting around for things to change by themselves and start changing them and your interactions with women.

      I’m not saying you have to break your friendship with her but you definitely need to start looking elsewhere and start creating attraction with women from the very beginning. ( Unfortunately if that’s too difficult to do then yes, you must remove yourself and your close friendship with her. )

      This comes from my heart Karan and my deep experience with your exact situation. I’ve been there. Done it all. And as much as it pains me and haunted me for years, the best advice I give to you is what changed everything for me.

      It was work but worth every ounce of energy.

      Take my words kindly and I do hope this has changed your perspective for the better.

      Wishing you all the best,

      Pete

  • John

    Met a girl online (new experience for me) and we hit it off. On the 3rd date we slept together, then didn’t see each other for a few days. Met her friends the following weekend, and late during the week after we slept together again. The weekend rolled around and I went out with her and her friends to the bars, etc… She tells me that she’s glad her friends like me but they don’t think we’ll last, but she’s happy she met me because I’m such a nice guy and she’s used to assholes. After that she got really sick, we still chatted and she slept at my place for a few days even (no sex, basically just took care of her). We saw each other again this weekend for her friends b-day but she was still really sick, really sober, and DD’ing for the night. Ended up only being me, her, and her bff + bff’s boyfriend at the bar. Those 2 were off playing grabass so I stuck around with my gal. Didn’t really feel like drinking a ton given the situation, plus the overpriced and piss weak drinks at the bar. We left and I stayed with her at her friend’s apartment but had to leave early and cab home.

    So here’s where the dilemma starts. Basically since that night she’s been super distant. We were supposed to hang out the following day but plans fell through due to some friend fighting the night before, and day of she wasn’t really responsive to texts. Next day same thing, few texts, all her responses 1 word so I gave up. 3rd day running now and I’m not initiating, trying to give space, but getting nothing from her. Girl is ridiculously hard to read. I know it’s probably she’s sick, busy, tired, dealing with her kid, friend drama, etc… but still seems odd to me. Really not sure what to make of the whole scenario – maybe I’ve been a bit too much the boring nice guy the past week with the taking care of her and whatnot? Best option just to cut contact for a few days and see what happens? I can definitely see what you’re talking about in terms of the fear creeping up, i.e. is she seeing someone else? Is she sick of me? Having to bite my tongue to keep from texting her again and trying to figure out what’s wrong. Or maybe I’m just being crazy. We’ve slept together, dated, hung out a bunch, were holding hands at dinner prior to going to the bars, and I can’t really think of anything that’s happened since then that would make her pull away (unless she thinks I’m boring on account of the not drinking much or running around the bar?).

    Worst part is I know this girl is bad for me. I’m having fun when we’re together, but I’ve learned multiple things already that would be deal breakers if I was in a serious dating, self confident sort of mindset; but I’m recently out of a breakup and definitely just using this as a distraction. I hate being wrapped around someone’s finger like this but honestly not sure how to get my brain back to the right state. Ultimately I want it to keep going right now because it’s fun, we’ve breached the physical boundaries, and it’s getting me up and out doing things on the weekends.

    • John

      So I texted her again this morning, no reply for a few hours and finally decided to call it quits. Wrote her one saying I don’t see us working long term and I don’t want to waste her time. Her reply was that the feeling was mutual.

      Definitely sucks still but at least I have my answer, though can’t help myself from wondering what possibly went awry between the weekend and today… Major downside of being the problem solving, analytic type :-|

      • Hey John,

        Nothing wrong with being the “problem solving analytic type” IF you use that information for good, avoid the same thing from happening next time, AND you don’t use it just to dwell on the past as if it can be changed.

        Your dilemma didn’t start where you felt it did. It probably started during your first interactions with her. How it all started you skipped over because you might have believed, “Hey she went on some dates with me and we slept together so it was working.” It’s easy to make that mistake.

        Let’s work our way back to see if we can make sense of all this.

        You told her you didn’t want to waste HER time. What about your time?

        Great job on ending it honestly and up-front rather than acting like some disappearing jerk BUT it’s apparent up until that point you were just following her along. You were already acting like you were in a relationship. I know it sounds bad but…

        How do you believe she would’ve acted if you were dating other women non-exclusively AND she believed she couldn’t have you whenever she wanted?

        Stay on YOUR time John. You got too heavy too quickly with a woman who was looking for a challenge. She probably went with it at first just to find out for real and quickly realized her intuition was right. You didn’t challenge her enough, made her feel like you had no other options.

        You gave her what she wanted without compromise and when she realized she didn’t have to work for IT, YOU, or how you became a nurturer all too early, you were given the status of one of her girlfriends.

        Women need to work for you. It gives you value. It makes them feel like they’re accomplishing something. Now you don’t have to be an ass about it. There are ways to do it while still keep your strong values and beliefs and your obvious ability to be a stand up guy. You can work with what you have.

        I’m going to suggest you take YOUR time next time. Give her time to miss you. Allow her time to think about what YOU’RE doing. If everything which happened in the beginning between you, her, and her friends, was stretched out over a few weeks or even a month or two, things would probably have worked out differently. Sure you would’ve realized her lifestyle wasn’t all you wanted by then but you would’ve found her trying to qualify herself to you, rather than the other way around.

        Once she knew she had you the bubble popped. She called you a “nice guy” unlike the other jerks she dated because she knows she can get a nice guy BUT she just doesn’t FEEL that way about him. They offer no real challenge to her.

        Listen, you don’t have to live an amazing lifestyle to NOT bore women. When you become a real genuine challenge and stretch out your interactions with them, while dating others and living YOUR life despite women, focus on creating emotions with her… you can be rest assured you won’t be boring to women.

        Take for example when you mentioned this, “…unless she thinks I’m boring on account of the not drinking much or running around the bar”, First doesn’t that bore YOU? It sounds like it does. Then you hang a for a short time, think to yourself what YOU want to be doing which is more fun, and say, “Hey. I’m not really into this stuff too much. I’m going to do this… You’re welcome to join me. Otherwise we’ll catch up later.”

        You say you’re having fun together but were you really? Or were you just into the intimacy of hanging out with her and holding hands and shit? That’s cool and all. Who wouldn’t love it… BUT you could be doing that anywhere where you’re not following her and her friends around. AND someplace YOU get to take the lead rather than follow her.

        Your last statement said a lot so I want you to consider it; you’re smarter than you give yourself credit for. You figured it all out on your own. You wrote,

        “I hate being wrapped around someone’s finger like this but honestly not sure how to get my brain back to the right state. Ultimately I want it to keep going right now because it’s fun, we’ve breached the physical boundaries, and it’s getting me up and out doing things on the weekends.”

        You knew she had you wrapped around her finger thus you pose no real challenge. You knew you got caught up too quickly and you settled because your brain felt comfortable.

        BUT most of all SHE got you up and out doing things on the weekends.

        Which tells me, still search online, still date women, BUT you have to get through all this without women being the only reasons you get out on the weekends.

        Here’s a cool quote, “There is no more security in having a girlfriend than there is in being a single, Dynamic man with the ability to create the dating life HE wants.” Read that article, it could help a little:

        http://www.dialteg.com/experts/carlos-xuma/being-single-girlfriend-happy/

        And this too:

        “You can’t be a whole man until you learn how to live and be happy without a woman in your life. Period.”

        http://www.dialteg.com/experts/carlos-xuma/how-to-get-over-an-ex-girlfriend-recovering-from-a-break-up/

        Okay John… You’re doing so much right. Don’t let this one thing keep you down and have you believe you don’t know what’s going on. You DID figure it all out by yourself. You DID see it coming.

        I feel a ton of good came from this situation so I hope you do too,

        Thanks for sharing and all the best of luck to you,

        Pete

        • John

          Hi Pete,

          Thanks for the response. Very perceptive! Definitely boiled down to only being 1 month out of a divorce and seeking affirmation through this girl versus being self affirmed and objectively looking for someone who’s actually fun to be around. Looking back, you’re very right, it wasn’t fun- I was over the loud, expensive bar scene bs 5 years ago and it was very much just the physical closeness and intimacy tricking me into thinking this was a good, fun thing. Between the bar and dinner I’m out $130 on that one night – what a waste!

          Will definitely keep at it and get back to a state where I’m cool just being me, with or without a woman.

          Cheers!
          John

  • John

    Hi Peter,

    I’m in a dire situation, I violated her trust in me and failed to give her the space she asked for because I was so guilt ridden that I got drunk and showed up at her place in the middle of the night. I’ve read several sites and even asked friends for advice. Sites say a day or two and reach out. My friends say wait until she texts or wait a week to reach out. I feel absolutely horrible and want to fix this. She means the world to me, and I told her that I would do whatever it took for her to trust me again. Do you have any suggestions? Should I wait for her to text me first or wait for a week and then reach out. Or wait until Monday?
    How should I go about fixing this trust?

    Thank you,
    John

    • Hi John,

      I don’t believe you can fix or mend a trust on your end. That MUST come from her which means there’s not definitive time table which is correct. It all depends on her and the many things which she has experienced in her life and probably lots of other stuff too.

      Okay. So you screwed up. You can’t go back in time. You can’t fix the past. It happened. In the larger scheme of life you haven’t done what a million possibly more men AND women have done… got drunk and acted… well drunk.

      Take full responsibility for what you did and understand where it all fits in your life. If it’s a continuing pattern then better yourself enough to in the very least, stop it from happening again, or curtail your drinking until a time where you’re strong enough to resist the drunk temptation I too myself have fallen for. You’re not alone here John. Not many among us can faithfully say we haven’t busted out an ex or past girlfriend while in drunken stupor.

      Again, if it’s a pattern that continues to happen, THAT needs to stop. That’s what YOU can do. Doing things for yourself will give you the best opportunity to regain the trust.

      My thoughts are: Until you’ve found yourself in a better place, do NOT contact her again. Until you feel ultimately strong enough to deal with the emotions which brought you to act the way you did. And means everything that led up to you “giving her space” in the first place.

      Being a stand up guy – admitting a weakness – overcoming the faults of the past – taking responsibility for your actions and admitting where they lie in the whole scheme of life – notice all that centers around yourself and truthfully has little to do with her – THAT is how you open someone else to accept and trust YOU again.

      Do those things for yourself and accept whether or not she will ever trust you again because that’s her internal thing which you have no privy to. That’s what I mean by how you can not fix it on her end.

      I”m not talking blind selfishness. I’m talking internal completeness and gathering the strength to resist from allowing the past to happen again.

      Give her ALL the time she needs to come to her own conclusions for herself. Offer a quick apology with no strings attached. Just to let her be aware you’ve taken responsibility. Do NOT tell her it won’t happen again or reassure her in any way you’re not susceptible to future mistakes.

      Something quick like,

      “I’m sorry I was an ass. I’m gonna work on that.”

      Then let it go. Don’t sit around waiting or pining over a response. Get to “working on that” and all I listed above.

      Mistakes happen John. If you want to feel better about it, spend some time giving something to someone who might need it and NOT her until a time you can handle or are strong enough to keep your promise of space.

      You can do it,

      Pete

      • John

        Hi Pete,
        She contacts me Friday night saying that she wanted to see for herself that I’m really working on my boundary issues by suggesting I help her with some errands the next day. I did exactly that, helped her get her things done, and kept to myself and went home when it was late. She asked me to come back the next day to get her day started so I did that too. I didn’t get much sleep, but I still went to her place at 9:30am. She saw that I was falling asleep waiting for her so she told me to lay down next to her and to keep my space and her space. I placed a pillow in between us and laid at the corner of her bed because it took me every ounce of me to fight the temptation of wanting to cuddle her because we were all over each other just a week ago before i messed things up. But again I kept to myself and went home after she got up because I was too tired to run her errands with her even though she asked me to. My friends suggest that I keep this up, but don’t make myself so readily available to her. Give her time and space and keep being there for her when I can. And to talk to her about her and I when she comes back from Vegas next weekend for her dads birthday. Do you think that’s wise? No show of affection at all for this week when I’m with her. And talk to her about whether she really wants to work things out with me? Or do as you suggest and let her come at her own time, and just doing what I’m doing. Because it does hurt to be treated so platonically after us being so crazy about each other until I violated her trust in me.

        Thank you so much

        John

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