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18. Give Her Space.

18. Give The Women You Are Attracted to… Space.

Sexual Woman

This may be the toughest behavior for most “nice guys” to adopt. And it will also sound radically contrary to what you’ve been brought up to believe by the media and your mom….
This will make the difference between the guy that walks away with the sweet taste of woman on his lips… or the bland and disappointing taste of her “friendship.”
How to Create (or Kill) Sexual Tension by Carlos Xuma

One rule of attraction implicitly states, when we chase those we are attracted to, they will run quicker than Forest Gump on steroids.

If you want one way that will always separate you from any pack of needy and horny nice guys better known as the “hot girl’s entourage,” it is to step back and give her space.

Allow her to live her own life. Allow her to make her own mistakes and more importantly, allow her to learn from those mistakes. Allow her to miss you.

And most importantly – She must understand you’re not needy, clingy, and desperately starved for her attention.

When you smother any woman with too much affection and attention you have little hope in creating sexual tension.

You’ll be that nice guy friend or worse, you’ll be her “go to guy” when she’s experiencing problems with the guy who either keeps blowing her off or has too little time for her.

Let’s not get too deep into the reasons for this approval seeking or “urgent” act of a man who is scared he’s going to miss something. Let’s leave it at –

I’ve been “that” guy and this is a big reason why I wrote Nice Guy Tip 18 – I thought if I left her alone, she would leave me. She would find someone else. I acted out of fear and had every excuse to explain my actions.

Women are not inanimate objects you can keep for yourself.

They have feelings and experience emotions at every level in their lives. They need space and the room to live their independent existence. They also need the space to determine you are right choice for her.
If you’re struggling as a nice guy and despite anything you do, you just can not give her the space she needs I have a few tips for you:

  • Date many women.
  • When you meet a woman you really like, quickly go out and find others like her.
  • Don’t be afraid to leave your phone at home once in a while.
  • Don’t be afraid to turn the phone off during your most desperate times.
  • Restrict how much you see her or contact her to at least half, maybe more depending where you’re at.
  • If you want to call her and you know you’re appearing desperate, STOP and get yourself busy doing something else. I used to journal my reasoning in vivid details. The longer it took me to write, the better chance my sense of urgency would take over.
  • In your weakest moments think of every clingy women who wouldn’t leave you alone and give yourself a hard smack.
  • If a woman has ever told you to ‘get a life’ (yes it’s happened to me) she may not be too far off. Find some goals besides getting a girlfriend.
  • This goes without saying – develop strong self-confidence and build your self-esteem.
  • Always remember to allow any sexual moments to build naturally and never force the issue. If you don’t know how, learn the true art of seduction.

As a nice guy, fear is the ultimate cause of not giving a woman enough space.

  • If you’re seeing her now and you’re worried she is going to cheat on you, your fears will actually push her closer to that next guy.

Another cause in not giving her space is pure neediness for affection.

  • We all desire affection. It feels good. But I guarantee it’s going to feel better if you can hold back a little more each time.

The third cause of a nice guy’s inability to give a woman space is a need to be affirmed.

  • You don’t feel loved unless she is always reaffirming her love for you. As the old saying goes, you can only be loved as much as you love yourself. If you don’t even like yourself then women are not your problem and will never solve it for you, despite how many times she tells you how worthy you are.

ONE LAST TIP: When your emotions are beginning to overwhelm you and you must see her despite your intuition, come here and start reading until you pass out.

I’m always happy to put you to sleep if it keeps you from crowding that girl. :)

Click here for the next tip – Confidence


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47 comments… add one

  • Tony

    Dear Peter,

    I have a situation myself. After college, I decided to move back home, unfortunately I had none of my close friends back to where I moved, so I decided to talk to more friends who were more like acquaintances (facebook). Since then, I kept tabs on a girl who I was friends with in HS but lost connection with until i finished school. When I came back, we would hangout a lot, workout a lot as well as talk a lot. During that time, I started to have feelings for her, to where I needed to walk away for a few weeks and get my emotions straight. My friend wanted to know why I left and told her that I had feelings for her and needed time to think. We both became open and she told me that she had feelings for me in the beginning of when we started hanging out but I didnt recognzied that so when I saw her as a friend, she closed the door. During that time I left, she was talking to a guy and started dating, she broke it off but still has feelings for the guy. What she told me was that she didnt want the feelings and didnt want to waste her time with someone who she couldnt see with. I guess what happen when I left, was she needed someone to talk to and since I wasnt in the picture for a few weeks, she bonded with the newly friend guy, they got close, but whom had a lot of flaws that she didnt want (what she told me). Fastfoward to now, she knows how I have these feelings for her, and recently I told her, if she did see something between us, and she said yes, that she can see herself spending her life with me, but she doesnt have the feelings for me because they are attached to the other guy, whom she doesnt want. I told her, why not just leave, and I guess she said it hurts too much to do so, and is stuck in limbo. They are only friends and not in a relationship, but she said that she cant reciprocate and take action with how I feel for her, because of where she is emotionally (shes up for dating but cant for now till she figures how to turn the offswitch for the guy). I feel as if I give her space, she would lose interest in me. Am i wrong about it. People told me to move on, or if Im being played, but me and her talked about it and she said that shes just stuck in a situation to where she cant leave because she doesnt know how. I told her, im here for her and willing to wait it out, up to a point and would be upfront if I decide to walk away. Im in no hurry, and I do see a lot of potential with her. But am I waiting for a lost cause?

    • Hey Tony,

      The problem is Tony – she knows you have feelings for her and you offered her something long-term. Instead you should’ve opted for casual dating or fooling around. Start with attraction and chemistry, enjoy some great connections and experiences and see if you’re actually right for her.

      You do that through actions and not words.

      Even if you believe she’s perfect for you – you have to let the situation prove to her that’s it’s real. Just saying it does nothing.

      She’s not placing any value on you because she doesn’t have to work for you. You’ve made it too easy on her. You haven’t offered any real challenge.

      Remember when you first met – how she wanted something but since you failed to act – she threw you in the friends zone to spare her own rejection. You ran away when you should’ve challenged her. That’s the pattern I’m seeing which is not working to attract her and make her feel those feelings she says she can’t give away.

      Give her space. Date other women. Make yourself the challenge she’s looking for. THAT will engage her interest more and not less.

      Because when you become unavailable to her and show her you’ve moved on AND are not talking about spending the rest of your life with her… she’ll probably begin to see you in a whole new light.

      STOP talking to her about her relationships or asking her what she wants or what’s going on in her world of attraction. IN fact for you I’d stop talking about those kind of things with other women until some time has passed and you’ve both been intimate several times.

      START doing things with other woman – start with attraction, then make a connection, enjoy the experiences, have fun with it no matter what the outcome is.

      STOP telling her you’re willing to wait it out. NO woman feels attracted to a guy who appears like a lost puppy waiting around for the owner to come home.

      GIVE her 2 times as much space as you feel comfortable with. ALLOW her to miss you. ALLOW her to do what she’s probably doing anyways… pining over some guy she’s most likely going to start dating again.

      LET her get it out of her system and live her own life and live by the choices she makes.

      If she loses interest – so be it. After some time create a challenge for her if you want, allow her to work for you, just don’t resort back to your old ways of talking about the future and how you have feelings for her and all that stuff.

      ACTION Tony. Challenge. That’s how you speak to a woman. That’s how you create attraction. Learn to risk rejection when those feelings come over you and not to run away to consider everything.

      Okay – I’ve said enough. I do hope you take it all as I mean it, only to help you.

      The best to you Tony and thanks for writing in,


  • Karan

    Hey Pete,
    I could relate a lot when read about your experience. But there are always a bit of twists and turns in everyone’s life, I’ll explain mine.
    It started out all well with a girl in college. She was in my class, we became good friends quickly as were in the same group and interactions level were high. We started working together after classes too. All this carried on for around 4-5 months. After which I thought of telling her about my feelings for her.

    When I proposed that night, I came to know a lot more about her. She was in a relationship with a guy for close to 2 years, around 2.5 years back. The relationship went bad and now she doesn’t trust anyone on these issues. She actually spoke while crying “How Can I Trust?”. In addition to that her relationship with her parents is also not upto mark. I was totally taken aback, as I was not expecting this.

    Now this thing has happened 5 months back. We are good friends, we chat daily. She says she wants to go out with me, but doesn’t like rumors moving around about us. So we end up discussing about going out every weekend and don’t go finally.

    The thing is I still love her, and don’t know what she feels about it. How should I go about it? Tired of being the nice guy


    • Hey Karan,

      What might feel like a twist and turn in your life is common to lots of men stuck in the friends zone…

      You became “friends first,” developed feelings for her, and after some time hoped she was feeling it too and the only way you believed you could find out was to profess your love for her.

      So you did your proposition and all you got was excuses as to why she might “want” something, but how she “can’t” because of… but you never found how how she really felt about YOU. Did you?

      You were given the old, “It’s not you it’s me!” and I understand how confusing and painful it is AND I wouldn’t so blunt about it if I wasn’t there myself many, many times.

      Hey man, it had nothing to do with how “nice” you are. Trust me on that.

      The thing is lots of women have trust issues. Lots of women have relationship problems with their parents. Lots of women don’t like to be talked about badly. Lots of women love to talk about their feelings and how they want to like the “best possible” person for them BUT…

      If they’re not feeling ATTRACTION it will make no difference in the world.

      Personally I would take this experience and use it as a marker. A moment in time where you first began to figure it all (women) out.

      Go through my Ebook as it’s in rewrite and I believe it will help you uncover the truths about what is really going on.


      I understand you’re in love with her. I understand how it feels like your “niceness” is holding you back or her back from feeling it for you BUT I also feel your best option at this point is to remove yourself from your source of pain and frustration AND to stop waiting around for things to change by themselves and start changing them and your interactions with women.

      I’m not saying you have to break your friendship with her but you definitely need to start looking elsewhere and start creating attraction with women from the very beginning. ( Unfortunately if that’s too difficult to do then yes, you must remove yourself and your close friendship with her. )

      This comes from my heart Karan and my deep experience with your exact situation. I’ve been there. Done it all. And as much as it pains me and haunted me for years, the best advice I give to you is what changed everything for me.

      It was work but worth every ounce of energy.

      Take my words kindly and I do hope this has changed your perspective for the better.

      Wishing you all the best,


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