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18. Give Her Space.

18. Give The Women You Are Attracted to… Space.

Sexual Woman

This may be the toughest behavior for most “nice guys” to adopt. And it will also sound radically contrary to what you’ve been brought up to believe by the media and your mom….
This will make the difference between the guy that walks away with the sweet taste of woman on his lips… or the bland and disappointing taste of her “friendship.”
How to Create (or Kill) Sexual Tension by Carlos Xuma

One rule of attraction implicitly states, when we chase those we are attracted to, they will run quicker than Forest Gump on steroids.

If you want one way that will always separate you from any pack of needy and horny nice guys better known as the “hot girl’s entourage,” it is to step back and give her space.

Allow her to live her own life. Allow her to make her own mistakes and more importantly, allow her to learn from those mistakes. Allow her to miss you.

And most importantly – She must understand you’re not needy, clingy, and desperately starved for her attention.

When you smother any woman with too much affection and attention you have little hope in creating sexual tension.

You’ll be that nice guy friend or worse, you’ll be her “go to guy” when she’s experiencing problems with the guy who either keeps blowing her off or has too little time for her.

Let’s not get too deep into the reasons for this approval seeking or “urgent” act of a man who is scared he’s going to miss something. Let’s leave it at –

I’ve been “that” guy and this is a big reason why I wrote Nice Guy Tip 18 – I thought if I left her alone, she would leave me. She would find someone else. I acted out of fear and had every excuse to explain my actions.

Women are not inanimate objects you can keep for yourself.

They have feelings and experience emotions at every level in their lives. They need space and the room to live their independent existence. They also need the space to determine you are right choice for her.
If you’re struggling as a nice guy and despite anything you do, you just can not give her the space she needs I have a few tips for you:

  • Date many women.
  • When you meet a woman you really like, quickly go out and find others like her.
  • Don’t be afraid to leave your phone at home once in a while.
  • Don’t be afraid to turn the phone off during your most desperate times.
  • Restrict how much you see her or contact her to at least half, maybe more depending where you’re at.
  • If you want to call her and you know you’re appearing desperate, STOP and get yourself busy doing something else. I used to journal my reasoning in vivid details. The longer it took me to write, the better chance my sense of urgency would take over.
  • In your weakest moments think of every clingy women who wouldn’t leave you alone and give yourself a hard smack.
  • If a woman has ever told you to ‘get a life’ (yes it’s happened to me) she may not be too far off. Find some goals besides getting a girlfriend.
  • This goes without saying – develop strong self-confidence and build your self-esteem.
  • Always remember to allow any sexual moments to build naturally and never force the issue. If you don’t know how, learn the true art of seduction.

As a nice guy, fear is the ultimate cause of not giving a woman enough space.

  • If you’re seeing her now and you’re worried she is going to cheat on you, your fears will actually push her closer to that next guy.

Another cause in not giving her space is pure neediness for affection.

  • We all desire affection. It feels good. But I guarantee it’s going to feel better if you can hold back a little more each time.

The third cause of a nice guy’s inability to give a woman space is a need to be affirmed.

  • You don’t feel loved unless she is always reaffirming her love for you. As the old saying goes, you can only be loved as much as you love yourself. If you don’t even like yourself then women are not your problem and will never solve it for you, despite how many times she tells you how worthy you are.

ONE LAST TIP: When your emotions are beginning to overwhelm you and you must see her despite your intuition, come here and start reading until you pass out.

I’m always happy to put you to sleep if it keeps you from crowding that girl. :)

Click here for the next tip – Confidence

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30 comments… add one

  • Paco

    Hi peter ..so my situation is this..i met this girl about 6 months ago she had a bf at the time which she was having problems with…he never treated her as a gf he mevee gave her the recognition she deserved ..long story short i waa just a friend for hee a listener someone that gave her advice and support…soon we both caught feelings for each other we both confessed it..but she was still taken..once i saw thing seemed more serious between us i decided to talk to her ans told her that if this was going anywhere that she would have to be single and it would have to be done the wrong way..she was sad about it but respected my decision to back of and not talk..about 2 weeks later she broke it off with her now exbf and we started to hang out again.. During the 2 weeks we didnt really talk much or text it was just very simple hi ans bye..also she is my friend’s sister so i see her often when im with her brother ..our families both kno each other well so theres a bunch of strings attached now…shes friends with my fam and im friends with hers…so its been almost 7 weeks since she broke it off with her ex and for the first 4 weeks things were going great between us we went on cpl dates and we moved on to kissing making out cuddling while movies holding hands all that stuff. Then out of nowhere she changed she seemed different. I confronted her about it and she saying that shes having trouble getting over the break up..she feels guilty because shes the one that broke it off but she assured me she still has feelings for me…weve made future plans like going to the beach together and other places and she does flirt alot with me still but there are days when shes just different…im thinking about giving her space and just let her get through this process..but sometimes i just dont know what to do

    • peter white

      Hi Paco,

      The thing is, how your relationship started – just as friends where she was either going to you for advice and support or you just happened to be there or were even offering help…

      Tells me she’s not feeling any real emotional attraction to you. At least not in the same way she’s feeling it for her ex.

      It’s great you two hooked up and I would never tell any guy that nothing’s impossible BUT I must warn you, without certain excitement, without the emotional ride, without the friction attraction often creates – there’s always going to be her ex ( or another guy ) who she’s feeling “that” for.

      I don’t think she changed or started acting differently. To me, she was hiding her true feelings and TRYING to stir them with you – but then realized it just wasn’t the same or it wasn’t going to happen. She puts on the “face” for you because she feels like she owes you something but the unfortunate truth is – she’s not over her ex and until something happens it’s highly unlikely she’ll move on until then.

      I would definitely give her space and avoid being the “friend” she can turn to for advice unless you’re willing to give up on it all and just be her friend. Definitely reach out to other women where you can create the attraction women need to feel. The kind of stuff similar ( but not necessarily the same ) this girl and her ex first felt.

      The best thing you can do now, for yourself is to introduce other women in your life. It will make it easier to give her space among other things.

      Also, the next time a woman appears to start acting differently ( in a bad way )- that’s your cue to step back and not an invitation to “confront” the issue. ( Unless you’ve already been in a long-term relationship. )

      All the best to you Paco and make sure you start with attraction with all your many next dates. If this one comes around ( that ) has to happen first.

      Thanks for asking and I do hope this helps you out,

      Pete

  • Adam

    Hey Pete,
    I’m going into college this year and this attractive girl that I really like is 2 years younger than me that I met at a concert and lives 4 and a half hours away in the next state. She works at a camp in my state near my house during the summer and was at the concert with one of her friends that went to my high school which was why she was at the concert. Anyways, nobody else I was with at the concert knew her so I introduced myself and was very nice and made small talk all the way until we got into the concert. I strayed away from her at the beginning of the concert to talk with other people but I looked for her every now and then and we made eye contact a couple times. Towards the second half of the concert we found each other and decided to go down closer to the stage. She knew all the songs and was trying to get me dance and was being flirty. I was being flirty back, made her laugh and such and then after the concert we met back at her friend’s house.

    Little did I know until I got to the house, that this girl had a boyfriend of two years back home that I had to find out about from her friend while she was in the bathroom. I had planned to make a move that night until I found that out. So we sat together for a couple hours talking and flirting until around 3am and she put her number in my phone. She had to leave for camp the next morning and would not have her phone for 2 weeks.

    So fast forward 2 weeks and she starts texting me again and I was being funny, nice, and complimenting her a lot. I decided to surprise her at the airport a couple days later before she flew back home. That went well and we starting texting and having long phone calls in the late night and early morning. We both were being flirty and I was complimenting her a lot. She still doesn’t know that I like her and that I know she has a boyfriend at this point. That is until she could somehow sense that I wasn’t okay through text and called me and I told her that her boyfriend was the luckiest guy and that he better know it and that it really sucked that we couldn’t date. She told me that I was a perfect guy and that who knows and that I’ll meet people in college. I was very sad to hear this because she is my ideal girl.

    Another couple days go by of us texting and snapchatting but being less flirty. I still went about complimenting her and such. Then I sensed something was wrong so I asked her and told her she could tell me anything. So she told me that her boyfriend lied to her and that it bothered her, and so I just comforted her. A day later we are on the phone playing 20 questions and she is asking me personal questions about my previous dating life, what my ideal young girl would be like, and questions about our previous experiences together and so I asked her if she could see us dating in the future and she said yes. We’ve been texting each day pretty much and I leave for college in the next few days and I’m not sure what to do now. I’ve just been nice, complimentary, funny, and trying to make her comfortable with me this whole time. I really want to have a future with her but yet I’m not trying to be over the top, needy, or desperate. I know I’ll meet people at college but she is amazing. I just am not sure what to do about it?

    • peter white

      Hey Adam,

      The thing is you made a common mistake – you revealed your feelings to someone who was probably falling for you and was wondering why you never tried to make a move.

      Since she already had a boyfriend, at that point she ( probably ) already put you in the friends zone.

      You see all those little compliments showed her how you felt – telling her just sealed the deal because by then, you were past the friends line. And now she’s telling you personal things about her boyfriend because she knows how you feel about her and and that you’ll comfort her.

      She’ll give a little back – asking personal questions about you and what type of girl you’re looking for – it’s the nice “friendly” thing to do.

      She feels safe with you because you already know she has a boyfriend, you didn’t make a move when you found out, you build her up all the time, and basically you’ve put her up on a pedestal hoping that something might happen in the future – if you play along.

      Like how while she’s asking question about your past and your ideal mate, you lead it back to asking if there could ever be a chance between you. This only reinforced in her mind – she can have you whenever she wants and you’ll probably be there for her – waiting.

      Now don’t get me wrong here. There’s a possibility something could happen. It’s just based on my vast experience in this kind of stuff that you’re deep in her friends zone and as long as her boyfriend continues to create attraction, he’s the one ( or even someone like him ) who’s going to end up with her. She’ll end up with the guy ( or any guy ) who makes her work for him.

      Before I get you too down – my purpose is NOT to make you feel like shit. I just want you to see how easy it is get yourself in this kind of position when you confuse a few facts about women…

      Yes they do want a nice guy – they just don’t fall ( or leave their boyfriends ) for the guy who they’re not sure if you’re being nice because you like her.

      Being funny is cool. Women love to laugh. But it’s the type of humor that really attracts women which is key. From your letter I’m not sure the style you’ve used but I bet your whole purpose was to see her smile. To make her laugh. The most attractive “comedians” don’t do it for those reasons. They do it because it’s part of their wit and charm and others are “allowed” to laugh or not.

      Yes. Women love to feel comfortable around certain guys but comfort does not equal gut-level attraction because there has to be some tension. You see when a girl meets a guy who keeps her on the edge ( even just a little ) it kind of shows her he’s not interested in making her feel comfortable just because he likes her. I hope you see the difference.

      Okay – so you’re not sure what to do about it AND you want to open the possibility of something more happening between you… The answer is right in front of you and now that you know how to avoid the future pitfalls you can increase your chances.

      Date other women! Don’t compare them to her. Don’t wait around being there for her every second of the day. Don’t give away your life to her because trust me she does not want a guy who is willing to give up the opportunity you have – just to wait around for her.

      She wants to work for you. She wants a guy who “goes for it” and keeps her on edge just a little. She wants to feel “attraction.” She wants to wonder about you. She wants the guy who other women want and might get if she continues to keep you in the friends zone.

      Don’t tell her again how lucky her boyfriend is – and how if things were different you would date. Assume, as cocky as it sounds, that eventually she’ll grow tired of him but if it doesn’t happen – it’s okay. You’re the lucky guy here because you’ve learned some valuable lessons about women and NOW you have numerous opportunities to put it all in action.

      Decrease your compliments so when you do give one – she knows how sincere and real it is AND you might want to save them for later.

      Stop confessing your feelings to her – for now the future is open – don’t ask her again if she could ever see you two dating – focus on creating attraction, some good tension, indifference to her situation, and remove her slowly from being your ideal women by actively dating the women you’re now going to meet.

      After all – these new women might actually be more ideal or less. You just don’t know until you try.

      Now I realize I threw a ton of stuff your way so if you take away anything from all this – the next time, don’t wait to find out from someone else that she has a boyfriend – it’s better to have her push you back because doing so will keep you out of the friends zone and keep in the possible date zone. Don’t plan to make a move – tease her – create a little attraction and good sexual tension and the moment will arrive. I’ve found planning to make a move doesn’t really work.

      All the best of luck to you Adam,

      Pete

  • Mike

    Hey Peter,

    Ok, I’ll try to make this as short as possible. I worked with this girl for about a year, and to be honest, never thought much of her besides some common interests such as love for horror movies and Halloween season. We were friendly, exchanged phones numbers, facebook friends etc and would occasionally text when a good movie was on so the other could tune in. Then one day she gets fired. I was in shock but wanted to give her some space because I wasn’t sure how angry she was etc, but she proceeds to call me that same night. A 2 hour conversation then happens and the end result was her saying that I was one of the few people she liked at work and wanted to keep in touch.

    At first we were to be “movie buddies” because in our own inner circles our friends hate horror films and we both agreed we have missed too many movies we’ve wanted to see in the past. So we schedule our first “dinner and movie” hangout as friends. It ends, we both say we have a good time and I bring up what movie we should go see next. She responds with, “You know we don’t have to wait for a movie to come out, we could just go grab dinner or something.” To which I say “Definitely”.

    So this goes on for a month or so. Texting everyday, sending pictures back and forth of old pictures of us, my nephew, pets etc. She even texted me at the stroke of midnight on my birthday to make sure she was the first one who said it to me.

    Then the guys at work find out we are hanging out and proceed to tell me that she is gay. I responded with that’s find and good for her because we are only friends, but then I started realizing after all the time we were spending talking, hanging out that I was becoming attracted to her. The next step was to find out if she was gay because our conversations haven’t steered that way to this point.
    A couple more hangouts went by with no success, she even came to my house for another movie night which we planned to do more of in the future (but haven’t yet). She also invited me to her aunt’s house for her birthday BBQ that I couldn’t take off work for, but I thought it was weird to invite me to her family get together.

    So then it happens, the next time we hang out. At dinner the subject of marriage comes up naturally because one of our co-workers was about to tie the knot. I casually asked her about herself and found out she was once engaged years ago but it didn’t work out and that she was in a 3 year relationship with a man that ended 8 months ago and she was just “getting her groove back” in her own words. So there it is, she is not gay but now I’m trying to hold back these feelings I’ve developed.

    Now up to then I forgot to mention I had started to become more touchy-feely but in an appropriate way. Hugs, high fives, teasing pokes. She hasn’t retracted at all and even initiated hugs on her own (at the end of our encounters). So after dinner when I found out that information I started opening doors for her, which I did a couple times in the past but now was making sure every door was opened for her. The night ends and we both say we had a great time etc.

    A couple days later she talks about how much she loved aquariums as a child and asked me if I would be up for a day trip to go to one with her to which I say of course. Everything seems great at this point.

    So now, the last two weeks have been all over the place. I text 1 or 2 messages and don’t get replies or get something hours later saying her phone wasn’t charged or she was at a friend’s house and never checked her phone. I’ve brought up when to schedule the aquarium and she stopped texting and when I said an hour after that “ok, I get the hint” she claimed to have “family shit” going on. So we basically now can go 1 or 2 days without a single word being said and then out of the blue she’ll call/text me for an hour or two like nothing happened. I want to ask why she never responded to said texts but I never do. I have no idea what to do. If I came on too strong. If she was just always interested in being friends etc. I’m currently in a holding pattern of not texting until she does. Two days without a word and she knows I have a week off from work.

    Any advice would be appreciated and sorry about the book

    Mike

    • Hey Mike,

      The one thing you never mentioned was “other” women in your life. Are you dating? Is there anyone else?

      Is just seems like you’re doing all the waiting and she’s treating you like a good friend that she wanted to keep in touch with.

      In your story there’s no mention of the most important things – Attraction. Tension. Teasing. Sexual chemistry. Anything which would signify that there’s something else going on between you and her.

      Let’s put this all in perspective… She texts you – you get right back. She calls you – you’re there for her. The subject of marriage comes up and when you find out she’s not gay, you start “secretly” courting her. You start trying to break the touch barrier – holding doors – and I’m willing to bet HOW you looked at her changed from that moment on.

      And she probably noticed you went from just a cool friend to hang out with to a guy who is into her so she tests you by not getting back to you AND unfortunately you acted like you two were actually already in a relationship. Sealing it in her mind that you were in fact “into her” or were looking for something more now.

      ( Something, by the way which could be totally avoided IF there were other women in your life that you were casually dating and exploring something with. Which would also stop you from ever being in a holding pattern. )

      Okay – my best guess is that she sees you as a friend. As I mentioned above there’s no mention of the important ingredients which go along with two people who are into each other sexually. Attraction. Tension. Teasing. Sexual chemistry. You’ve become predictable to her – there for her ( mostly ) and although there’s a possibility there could be more – someday – I don’t see it just yet.

      Unfortunately when I first read this part, “last two weeks have been all over the place. I text 1 or 2 messages and don’t get replies or get something hours later saying her phone wasn’t charged or she was at a friend’s house and never checked her phone” — I saw it as a test but also as a sign that she’s actually seeing another guy, maybe not completely sexual but something is going on which does include those important ingredients.

      Hopefully I’m wrong. You know I’m not always right.

      My advice would be to break out of this holding pattern and no matter how much you’re into her – you MUST branch out to other women so you can work from an attitude of abundance and not scarcity.

      In your spare time please read my Eliminate the Friends Zone ebook which you’ll find here:

      http://www.dialteg.com/friends-zone-steps-book/

      I’m in the process of re-writing it but there’s still a ton of information to help you through it all.

      Trust that your feeling for her may never change and while she’s still sorting things out in her life – new job – getting back on the horse again – it’s best for you to step back and sort of begin again with some time tested attraction. The comfort already there. The friendship is already there. But we need to change the dynamics of your relationship with her so she’ll start to see you as a “catch” and that she needs to actually “catch you.”

      Also make sure you read my latest post because, oddly enough, it WILL definitely help you get on the right path.

      http://www.dialteg.com/dating-choices-how-get-women-chase-you/

      Thanks for writing in Mike. I appreciate that you came to me and I do want you to succeed…

      All the best,

      Pete

  • jason

    hi peter, my situation is such.. i had a gf for 4 years and this summer we broke up and while we were together i met this girl who was in the same year at school with my gf and we started talking and eventually we started falling for each other. when i noticed what was going on I pulled away because i didn’t want to get emotionally involved with this girl while i had my gf. but we were still friends and used to talk and hang out sometimes my feelings for her were still there i guess i was just underplaying them, but this summer me and my gf broke up and me and this girl started getting close again and eventually i told her that i really care about her but i don’t want a relationship right now but i want to get to know her better and in the future we would see where it goes. she thinks that would be whats best right now because she isn’t ready for a serious relationship as yet and since i just came out of a long on and off one it wouldn’t feel right either so we agreed to just b friends just getting to know each other better. but lately i’ve been feeling like i’m the one initiating all the conversations, and i don’t want to pull away like i did last time and risk losing her again and also i don’t want to come across as this needy clingy guy who wants to talk to her 24/7. what should i do?

    • Hi Jason,

      The thing is – avoiding that risk of losing her again or having those kind of feelings is exactly how you’re going to come across as needy and clingy. And you’re not going to recognize it’s happening.

      Let’s look at it from her point of view…

      Here’s this guy who seems into me but then gives me the “let’s just be friends” talk because he doesn’t want a commitment right now.

      So to save face she tells you the same thing and how it’s okay with her when really it’s not – so she pulls away confused and thinking she had it all wrong.

      Deep down she’s confused as hell and to make matters worse – you’re NOW being more friendly than ever. Sort of acting like you don’t want to lose her – or you’re afraid you don’t have a chance anymore – and now you think she’s going to end up with someone else because you weren’t ready at the right time.

      Hey man. I understand this stuff happens. You’re just going along and the situation creeps up on you.

      The way I see it is – The TALK was wrong. It’s okay to tell a woman you have feelings for her IF you’re at least intimate but wanting to keep a girl around while you decide you’re ready and then telling her that doesn’t do much for your future with her because if is looking for something else, she’ll pull away.

      But there is a way around it and next time or this time – do things differently.

      Too many guys have it in their head that committing to a woman is how you keep her and that’s just not right and it’s probably the one of the biggest reason to NOT commit to her.

      The solution is not entirely simple but clear.

      Date her. Date other women. She dates you. She dates other guys. Explore life outside of each other while you’re both feeling a possible relationship out.

      You don’t need to tell a woman you’re not looking for a relationship right now, unless that’s all she will settle for and won’t date other guys.

      Just because you’re getting closer to any woman does not mean you automatically enter a relationship. Sometimes that takes a few months or even a few years.

      When you’re ready – and she’s ready – you’ve had a few fights – a few good times – when you’ve explored the good parts and the bad parts and seen how you both handle them AND no other woman seems to fit with you like she does…

      Trust me – you’ll be ready to commit by then.

      I’m not saying she will. I’m not even guaranteeing she will accept it. That’s her thing.

      BUT I am saying if you continue to “date” her and avoid seeing her everyday and talking to her everyday because you’re both “exploring” other options ALL you have to do is keep the attraction alive and let the relationship build naturally.

      Too many couples commit too early for lots of reasons but it doesn’t have to be that way.

      Love, attraction, or not – relationships are built over time WHILE you’re “Seeing” other people too.

      The risk will always be there but avoiding it only makes you do needy things.

      Risk losing her as she should risk losing you.

      The whole point is to have two people who are compatible and open enough to build a relationship into something which will last a really really really long time and is strong enough to fight off the trouble together.

      Hope that helps you Jason and the best of luck to you,

      Pete

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