Self Esteem

• If you want to be the man that attracts quality women you are going to need high self esteem.

• To be seen as an attractive man your personality traits must instantly convey confidence and positive self esteem.

• How you value yourself  will determine whether or not your nice guy qualities will keep you out of the friend’s zone or push you further into into it.

• If you have low esteem, which undermines your confidence and you begin to increase your worth to yourself you will actually be seen as more physically attractive.

Self esteem is how your regard or rate your self worth or value,  as compared to only yourself. It is how you learn and cope with your failures, and just as importantly how you handle your successes. Nice guys that do not do well with woman in a sexual sense, or find themselves having only relationships as a woman’s friend, can not possibly have high self esteem. Their views of  themselves are more than likely based upon their failures with women. Those men sometimes think this way:

“Since women have only wanted to be friends with me, I’m only good at being a friend and not a lover.”

or the opposite thinking arises,

“Women don’t like nice guys and I resent them for this.”

So that nice guy does not learn from his experiences he merely relives them over and over by not being willing to change claiming,

“I’m a great guy and she should see that in me.”

Imposing negatively another persons view onto yourself is a sure sign of having low esteem. Comparing yourself to the bad boys or jerks getting the women is a sign of not regarding yourself very highly at all. Take this test below and see where you lie on a self esteem scale. Then closely look at the questions after that were you being asked to gain a clearer definition.

Self-Esteem Test at DiscoveryHealth,

See how they were based on how you see yourself through someone else. People with high self esteem compare themselves to themselves primarily. They may mentor another or regard highly the opinions of someone with great knowledge, to learn from them. But they don’t think another  person is better than them just because they have more expertise in a field in which they don’t. They relish in learning from them and enjoy the learning process greatly. They have high respect for their favorite teachers a man with high self esteem practices what he learns always from the perspective of,

“What can I learn from my failures?”

I remember writing a paper in college on how to be effective at practicing an instrument. One of the issues I struggled with in teaching another my theories was how to handle the idea that,

When we practice, we usually fail more than we succeed.

So I came up with this idea that ingraining in our minds the right procedures initially would better our chances at performing a piece exactly they way we wanted.  Slowing down a piece of music and separating the parts from it and making sure we only allow ourselves to play the right notes at the right time, and therefore never imprinting in our brains the wrong way. Or the mistakes. I think back now how in theory it all sounds great and in practice I can guarantee you that you will learn through this technique but unfortunately life does not work this way. Life rarely will play out certain events in which it does not require improvisation. For example. One day you may find yourself coming up with this unique pickup line  so you practice it over and over everyday. You look in the mirror making sure your inflections and mannerisms are perfect every time until you feel very comfortable doing it. Then you run out to the first woman you see, and give it to her. Confidently knowing you’ve got it down. But then it fails miserably and you have no chance of recovering because you only learned how to use that pick up line. You were not teaching yourself how to talk effectively to a woman.

What does all this have to to do with self esteem and the nice guys quest to keep himself out of that dreaded friend’s zone?

I remember learning pieces of music but constantly trying to figure out how some people could just play and let the music flow through them. I always had to consciously think about what note to play, how it was to be played, and when play it. And I am actually quite good at doing just that. But what separated me from the master soloist  who literally spoke and told stories through his instruments so beautifully was his or hers ability to improvise. I know this is a strange connection. But self esteem and being able to live in the moment without getting bogged down in your own thoughts are more connected than most would believe. If you don’t have high self esteem you are probably bombarded with doubts and preconceived ideas ideas in your head are playing out, trying to make sure you say the right thing, avoid the wrong thing, say it at the right time, all to insure the outcome of a girl finding you attractive or sexy enough to date.

A person with high self esteem finds it easier to live in the moment, or let his instrument speak for him. A man that knows how to tell a great story no matter how boring it may be is because of the way he explains it. He is not concerned or stuck in his own head of how another sees him or how he will react to a given situation.  Don’t take this out of context and feel you should stop concerning yourself in what to say in certain circumstances like at a funeral.  I’m assuming since you are here on these pages you are generally considered a nice person and have the ability to show respect in  situations that require it.

But how can a nice guy have high esteem or much self worth when he has been turned down so many times by women?

I understand through years and years of being told the same thing by women that they just want t o be friends. That they only like you as a good friend. They don’t want to ruin your friendship. They’re just not interested in more than a friendship. How does anyone NOT begin to believe it. You experience the same situation over and over and with the same response you more than likely will begin to  see yourself   in these ways.

“I must not be good looking because no woman has ever called me attractive.”

“Women say I’m cute and since cute doesn’t turn them on, I must not be sexual attractive.”

“You’re a great guy but I’m just not interested.”

So how does the nice guy begin to increase his self esteem?

Obviously continue to read my pages.  Go out and start reading books and spend the time, or money on materials that are designed to do teach you how to boost your self esteem. It does not have to related to getting a girlfriend, attracting the woman of your dreams,  dating more, and having more fulfilling relationships. But it will help in those areas anyways. So  invest in yourself. It can be more rewarding than the money you receive from an some hourly wage and you won’t even be taxed on it. At least I’m pretty sure the government hasn’t figured out a way yet to tax you on much you value your self worth.

I have found most of the dating and attraction experts will mention esteem as part of their programs but not many of them will go into great detail about it themselves. They will usually allude to more of an expert on that subject. I have found Nathaniel Branden and Sean Stephenson to be quite effective people. Both are very intuitive on the subject. I learned about them through David DeAngelo.

Check out some of my suggested books below through my Amazon Store which is located on the bottom of my pages. You may have to scroll down completely.

The 6 pillars are:

1. Live Consciously

2. Accept Yourself

3. Take Responsibility for Your Experiences

4. Assert Who You Are

5. Live Purposefully

6. Maintain Your Integrity

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem By Nathaniel Branden

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