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How The Nice Guy Kills Attraction – Peter White Interviews Carlos Xuma

in Attraction, Learning

When DiaLteG TM was first opened I did a recorded interview with Carlos Xuma

  • A trait of a nice guy which is terrible for attraction.
  • How approval seeking lead to a failure with women.
  • How being a leader is essential to staying out of the friend’s zone.
  • How to stay out of the friend’s zone when you first interact with a woman.
  • What “transactional approval” is and how the nice guy fails using it
  • Using masculine energy to connect with a woman with just a small touch.
  • Why you should not dumb down your approach.
  • What only works on low-class women.

“What is the worst trait a nice guy can have, that is just terrible for attraction?”


Well I’ll tell you what, I think the worst one that a nice guy can have, and really the one he’s got to get rid of is, the approval seeking.

That’s the absolute worst. I mean think of all things it communicates and sub communicates on different levels.

It communicates low value. 

First of all. Right, because a low value person needs other people’s approval. A high value person needs nobody’s approval.

Also approval seeking when you think about it on a level of, how it makes the woman feel. It makes a woman feel very “unspecial”. Because his standards are so low, she doesn’t seem like she standing out for any reason. Which is the old qualification concept right?

It also demonstrates a lack of masculinity on the guys part.

You know If you’re an approval seeking guy, it’s kind of a contradiction in terms. An approval seeking man. Haha! That’s not what we’re here for.

We’re here for, we create our own approval.

We go out and forge our own path.

We cut our own trail through this life.

And that’s what it is to be a man.

And that goes right against the grain of what it is to be a man, by seeking approval of all the other people out there. It’s just not good.

Besides as it’s been proven time and time again. No matter what you do, there’s always somebody who disapproves of you. And believe it or not, more people disapprove of you, when you need their approval.

It appears a little conundrum of human behavior. It’s something I talk about it in my social skills program but uh…it demonstrates a lack of leadership.

You can’t lead people if you need their approval.

You can’t show them the right way to go.

Real leaders, true leaders, know the path, they go on that path.

They don’t need approval.

If they need approval they’re not in the right position.
They’re not to be a leader.

And then there’s the fact it shows no courage and no balls what so ever, to be an approval seeker.

There’s no real bravery.

No courage.

No true courage from a person that’s looking to minimize risk, by avoiding somebody’s disapproval.

So it’s a killer man. That’s just one of the worse ones. And in almost everything I’ve noticed when guys get rid of this need for approval..

They inevitably kind of go off the deep end a little bit, they kind of go way off  into the “Ah I’m going to be a dick or a jerk for a while.” But when they swing back, when the  pendulum swings back into balance.

They actually realize a whole new sense of  self  that is much more manly. Much more masculine. Much more attractive to women.

Yeah that’s really the one I would have to say that is the, worst one for attraction.

It’s a common theme out there that nice guys finish last with women and they kind of always put themselves in the friend’s zone when they first meet  women . Since I was that way myself.

And If there was one thing someone could have told me back then to help me out I would have been very very grateful, so if there’s anything,

One thing a nice guy can do, to keep him out of the friend’s zone when first interacts with a women…what would it be?


Yeah I’d have to say the first thing he should never do is ,well you ask what he can  do,  I’ll tell you what he shouldn’t do…

Never offer anything up as a kind of trade for a woman. So that she senses an agenda or there’s a deal going down.

In other words, don’t make your interaction seem like, it’s a give and take. Like you’re giving her compliments so you can get her phone number.

Or you’re giving her flattery so that she will like you. It’s another form of approval seeking right there in a lot of ways.

But it also comes across as like a blatant transaction. It’s transactional approval. It’s a transactional kind of approach from a guy when he goes in like this.

And women can really sense it. They really can.

They can kind of sense that there’s a deal going down here. She’s going to start to wonder. She’s going to start to feel like you’re a salesman. Like she’s being sold. It’s a creepy slimy feeling for anybody to go through.

Right, so, if you want to stay out of that friend’s zone, make sure that first of all, never make it a transactional  thing.

And then second of all, make it clear that you are a man with, a sexual, I don’t want to say agenda, that sounds  wrong, that’s just too much for a woman. But you do have to express a certain amount of sexuality about you. You are a sexual being. And it doesn’t necessarily relate to her, you just have to be a form of energy.

Let me put it to you this way.

It’s like you walking up and showing her, a fully charged battery. Right, this battery has got this little indicator on it. It’s all lit up on the side. It shows it’s fully charged. Kind of like those notebook  computer batteries. You press a button and it shows how much charge are in them.

She can see this charge in you, that’s masculine. It doesn’t mean that your battery is connected to her or has to connect to her, and wants to zap her.

It just means that you have that potential in you. The potential to be manly. To be the kind of guy she can respect and be sexually attracted to.

Because the one things guys are doing right now are dumbing down their approaches. And by dumb down I don’t mean dumbing it down in terms of stupidity.

They’re dumbing it down in terms of their masculinity. They’re softening it. They’re making it nice and fluffy and inoffensive and approval seeking and it really pussy is what it is coming down to.

So you’ve got to let go of that and really work towards demonstrating charge,  power.

Again, another thing that guys are doing out there is they’re not putting up enough of their personality. They’re kind of hiding as much of themselves as they can. They want to be as inoffensive as possible.

They don’t want to risk, being disapproved of. Basically. They’re not getting a good approach done. So what do they do?

They hide all the things the would inevitably give her more interest in them.

No one likes bland food, why would a women like a bland man? Right?

It’s kind of an analogy there that every guy could stand to learn from. So Yeah as far as staying out of that friend’s zone you have to have that out there right away.

You also have to make your intentions pretty clear. I mean I had guys that don’t realize they’re doing this but,  if this is something has ever happened to you, this is something you can learn from.

If you’ve gone up to a woman  and talked to her and it’s gone well. She seems kind of iffy kind of like she doesn’t  know what’s going on. Then it comes time for you to close the deal and you ask her for her phone number, and she asks you “WHY?” or it  seems  like out of the blue or she’s confused by your request.

“What would you do that for?”, “Why would you want my number?”

Okay the reason she’s acting that way is because you didn’t communicate very clearly throughout you interaction, what you were doing there.

Why are you there talking to her. She can sense it. You don’t have to actually say it with words. She can sense it and you can do it the right way.

It can be as simple as when you first walk up to her and you touch  her on the back of her elbow. Just lightly and not even for, like less than a second. Just to get her attention. And in such a way that it is not the first thing she senses from you.

In other words,  she doesn’t turn the complete opposite direction and you scare her by touching her on the elbow. But that one little touch can do an immediate level set and kind of bring into line, all the energy that should be between you.

Should be a positive and negative energy.  Maybe the Yin Yang energy is a better way of  explaining it. I’m very big on eastern philosophy. I think that is really what it is.

She’s got to know that you’re the masculine side of the equation. And she’ll know exactly what her part  is.

And where this whole relationship, or where you two stand with each other.


If  believe that guys put themselves in the friends zone because they initially act like a friend. And they really don’t see themselves as an attractive man so they unknowingly try to nice the girl into liking them. Would you agree?


Yes I would agree! Next question. No I’m kidding there.

Yeah, definitely, it’s something that guys very much do. They put themselves in the friend’s zone because they immediately put out the energy of a friend vibe. Because they’re too afraid of risking.

They don’t want to gamble that she might turn them down so what’s easier than that…

Well it’s easier to come away with nothing than it is to come away with rejection.

So, they do whatever they can to not get the rejection. And by doing so, they ensure that, in reality they do get the rejection but it’s not the one they can figure out.

They wonder she doesn’t answer her phone when he finally does call her. Or he wonders  why she flakes out on the first date.

That’s because he never really put it out there. He never really, he didn’t risk enough of himself. He doesn’t see himself as an attractive man. I definitely believe that all game with women starts with the inner game.

You can not walk up, approach, and for a lack of a better term, seduce a woman,with a shitty sense of your own internal value. You can’t do it. It doesn’t happen.

And women do see right through it.

Well I shouldn’t say it doesn’t happen, it does happen. But it only works  on low quality women.

There are low quality women out there. And I hate to tell people this because it sounds like something so terrible…

You know if I were to say, that there are guys out there that women should avoid, well everyone knows that, but if I say that there are women out there that guys should avoid, suddenly it’s like oh no women are angels, they are perfect creatures.

No. Trust me. Women are just as downright deceptive, nasty and evil as men are, just in different ways.

There’s no monopoly on bad.

Okay. I’m not saying this to make women seem bad, I love women, I love everything about women. I don’t have any of that masculine anger , or I shouldn’t say masculine, that macho anger against women at all.

I have to tell guys more often than not you’re probably worshiping women when you should bringing them back into reality.Take them off that pedestal.

So yeah you’re right, they do nice the girl into liking them. Or they try to be nice, hoping that’s the way to weasel their way in. And it is, it is the weasel way.

You know you’ve got to be willing to put out the right kind of energy to get the kind of results you want.

So instead of trying to win her over so that you can  play Monopoly with her,  I would much rather go into an interaction with a woman and come away with nothing. And know that you know what, it was either going to go one of two ways.

It was either going to be I would eventually be sleeping  with that woman and feeling nakedness, or nothing at all.

It’s like a saying by  Helen Keller, she has a great saying,

Life is either a great adventure, or it’s nothing.

That’s the way you look at life. You don’t accept anything on the other level because why would you.

It’s like saying, “I’ll go along with bland, I don’t mind a bland life, but at least it’s not bad.”

That’s the wussy, kind of wimpy way out.

It’s definitely not the Alpha Man’s way or the Alpha lifestyle that I teach guys to have.


I really do like that quote by Helen Keller.

She also has another one which I look at occasionally.

Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature.  Nor do the children of men experience it as a whole. So avoiding danger is no safer in the long run, than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.

A Transcribed Interview with Carlos Xuma by Peter White, Part 2

Carlos Xuma has earned my respect over the years and I never hesitate sending any man who wants to learn about attracting women his way. He’s given me the opportunity to share with you lots of great free advice which you can find at DiaLteG TM – Free Advice and Product Links From Carlos Xuma.

I would like to thank personally thank Carlos for everything he’s done for me, my relationships with women, he has given me amazing results and a deeper understanding of life.

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