When The Relationsip is Over, Do We Turn Off The Lights?

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Being single again is always tough.

Our relationships often encompass our lives and intertwine themselves into our everyday existence.

We begin to rely on that comfort.

We rely on that feelings of special phone calls and special moments. The ones we share with our partner that only are known to us.

We commit ourselves to another which requires certain adjustments then those adjustments we make, are no longer needed.

We all have had bad breakups. They’re tough, they break our hearts, and they disrupt our lives.

But what about the good breakups, and is there such a thing as a good breakup?

They’re not always mutual but there often comes a time when one person is not ready to continue. The reasons could be anything to a new found project, a lifestyle decision, or just plain falling out of love.

When we experience that so called good breakup it is certainly just as tough but there is not much anger associated with it.  Losing someone that is actually not lost hurts, but we must find a way to move on.

I believe in good break ups, no matter how hard we fight them off.

There comes a time when one person must make the choice to move on, and break apart, no matter how bad it feels.

Being in this dating business and helping others is interesting because I’m not  different than everybody else. I date. I commit. I hurt when there’s a breakup. And I have to deal with the pain just like everyone else does.

No one is exempt from life or relationships.

I recently just experienced one of those “Good Breakups” and even though it’s always tough I have found I learn so much from them.

I learn how deep, or shallow, my self esteem really goes.

I find those little chinks in my armor and begin to patch them up.

I try to think of advice I have given to other and apply them to my myself but it’s not always that easy. I have literally two choices to make:

Get over it and move on.. .

You can’t be a whole man until you learn how to live and be happy without a woman in your life. Period.

- Stop calling her. Yeah, I know you’re probably falling victim to that compulsive voice in the back of your head that wants to know ‘Is she seeing other people? Do we still have a chance?’

If you stay in contact with her you’ll only wind up begging for her to reconsider, then tearful mementos at her doorstep, and further supplication on your part. You’ll wind up like one of the guys on “Scrubs,” trading your balls for sex. Every time you get the urge to call her, have a substitute activity that gives you an equal amount of pleasure, such as turning on the X-box (I call this X-therapy) or going out for a bike-ride. Turn your pain into your gain.

- Take a few weeks off from women – COMPLETELY. Don’t give them a second thought. Don’t pressure yourself into picking up or throwing out lines or anything. If you approach Lifeguard girl now, you’ll probably blow it because of all this anxiety you’ve created for yourself. Take a little while and get your game together.

Carlos Xuma, How to Get Over an Ex Girlfriend – Recovering From a Break-up

The first part of this advice, being happy without a woman in your life, is some of the best advice I have read but how are we supposed to take it?

Years ago I thought I was special because I did learn how to be happy without a women in my life but was I really happy? OF COURSE NOT! I only pretended to be happy when deep inside that lonely little boy was desperate and hurt. I masked those hurtful feelings by being so busy in my everyday life I could use this as an excuse.

“I don’t have time in my life for a girlfriend.”

But all that was pure bullshit. The real truth is I didn’t fully learn how to be happy without  a woman in my life until I learned to separate or untangle my confidence and self-esteem, from how I thought women saw me. And that was the real key.

Fight it…

When a woman “wimps out” (e.g. from a relationship they believe they are not worthy of, or as a “preemptive strike” against getting hurt), it’s up to the man to TAKE CONTROL.

If we want out and let her go, that’s our business. And it could be the right decision.

Or…we can elect to rise to the occasion, become righteously indignant and show some well-placed but firm emotion about it.

I’ve done exactly that with great effect in the past.

Sometimes you can really inspire women here by becoming upset with them for not believing in their own beauty, and overall value really.

I’ve even told women that their lack of faith in my attraction to them was in fact to be taken as an insult of my own choices, since I chose her willingly.

I don’t associate myself closely with substandard women, and her assumption to the contrary–even when inwardly focused–was not going to be excused as “modesty” when it was clear she was seriously doubting her worth.

I’d tell her that was flatly unacceptable behavior…and often I’d get tangible results.

And so can you in these situations. Women follow our lead.

Scot McKay, The Dating Disappearing Act – Did She Think She Wasn’t Good Enough For You?

More great advice for fighting it. I’ve included because it is exactly how my last relationship ended. A preemptive strike by her. I won’t get into all the reasons just yet, that would not be fair to her. But I can say knowing what I know now, and with Scot’s quote above as an anchor, it may becoming clear to me that I intimidate women in which they suffer from low self esteem.

Fighting it can also include…

There is always a second chance for everyone, so it’s not impossible for you to get back together with your ex girlfriend. But first, you should ask yourself some questions Do you still love her? Do you really want her back? Why? Are you trying to get her back because you don’t want to be alone, or you don’t believe you should have been dumped? If you are looking to get back with your ex for reasons other than love, you may be playing a dangerous game that would be better off avoided.

TW Jackson,  How Can I Get Back Together With My Ex Girlfriend

And for women…

You are going to need to take a completely fresh approach. Begin by breaking contact off for a while, doing your own thing. During this time where there is no communication between you and your ex boyfriend, you can focus on ways that you can improve your own personal life, rather than focusing on the relationship issues at hand. This is going to be a challenging time, and it is going to require discipline to prevent you from returning to your old ways.

TW Jackson,  What Can I Do To Get My Ex Boyfriend Back?

Now we’ve gone from breaking up to making up, but in the end, is it better to just keep asking ourselves,

When the relationship is over, do we  turn off the lights?

I don’t believe so, at all. Whether it ends bad or not, or what the circumstances involve turning off the lights to me is shutting off an event and not including it in who we are. I’m not suggestions we keep lingering on and living in the past, but merely acknowledging it, for good or bad.

Turning off the lights may inevitably stop our ability to rationalize, and objectify what really happened in the relationship so it can be avoided in the future.

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