I‘d like to continue where the last post left off. If you’re here for the first time you can read the first two installments to catch up:
- For Smart Men Who Like to Think – Critical Information On Attraction
- Having A Victim Mentality Is Blocking Your Ability To Attract Her
By now I hope you’re beginning to clearly see the connection between attraction and how much easier it can happen when a large part of codependent habits associated with a “victim mentality” are taken care of.
This works on the idea that a natural indifference is created and easily maintained without forcing any issues which feel uncomfortable for so many people.
It is THE premise behind my Nice Guys Approach and I must say has become a mixture of techniques and personality “strengthening” I have learned from so many incredible people in this field.
I have taken their advice, my success/failure experiences and combine them into lots of what you find here.
The five major areas or patterns are listed as:
The avoidance patterns of co-dependency work with a slight of hand which can make any professional magician feel like a complete amateur.
Keep your eyes out for these because they hide in the blind spots of your mind and then hide the path to reach them.
Which is why it can make it so hard to get rid of them.
To overcome the “victim mentality” it’s important to understand how they relate to attraction and how they relate to relationships and your communication with the opposite sex.
I’ll go over a couple.
- I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.
If you’re angry with yourself, rejecting who you are, or feel ashamed of your past, present or future, you’ll find yourself communicating that to other people.
- I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
A constant and consistent judgement of others goes beyond arrogance.
It’s often considered a pessimistic attitude and when this happens too often will communicate negativity whether it’s intended or not.
- I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.
Whereas this could backfire and lead others who also suffer from a victim mentality, or present a higher challenge to an over nurturer, the combination can easily lead to failed or depressive relationships.
- I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.
A well-known “trait” of an attractive person is having the strength to resist any over-indulgence which could threaten the balance of moderation.
- I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
You may have heard a lot about using indirect communication to better attract a woman.
The piece of information that is often left out is the direct part.
I have found it’s best to “indirectly demonstrate who you are” while at the same time “directly communicating your experience.”
What is written above could be proven to be the complete opposite.
- I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
This may have been considered for serious addictions but it is more common for most to avoid recovery over the small addictions which block attraction.
- I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
This is a tough one for men.
We’re supposed to be strong.
We’re not necessarily “granted” the freedom to be that emotional.
You could argue then this one is not right for you but the key word is vulnerable.
- I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
You may find yourself once again thinking women are attracted to this pattern.
Which in a way is definitely true.
However for long-term attraction, which is very important to keep a relationship alive and healthy this represents a pattern to a less desirable result.
- I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself.
- I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
- I withhold expressions of appreciation.
Compliance patterns represent many “approval seeking” traits which can cause many problems attracting others.
Each pattern will have its own effect but they all appear to be connected.
The good news being solving/fixing/changing one could easily lessen the effect of the others.
If you consider yourself one of the “nice guys” who are not having much luck with women please take careful note of these patterns in particular.
- I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
I still feel it’s difficult to grow as a person when we avoid rejection out of fear and in this case avoiding the anger of someone else.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
- I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
Whereas the friends zone may not be technically considered harmful this compliance pattern can be directly related to being in that situation.
- I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
This fear is a nice guys nightmare in attraction.
- I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
You’ll notice compliance patterns can easily put yourself second in value compared to those around you just to assure they like you.
Typically it will have the reverse effect.
- I accept sex and/or sexual attention when I want love.
- I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
- I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
This may seem innocent for those of you who suffer from being overly nice or exhibit many of the patterns listed here but ANY consequence which may cause harm to your independent thought or value for yourself must be considered.
I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.
An interesting twist to this whole attraction thing is some or many control patterns can, for all purposes create an unhealthy attraction in those who wish to be controlled or lack the self-esteem to stand on their own.
For those who refuse or “deny” to see what is really going on will ultimately be attracted to the person who exhibits the most control over them.
But typically this is an unhealthy attraction so unless you plan on being a player or an outright jerk, eliminating many of your control patterns will lead to a more natural attraction.
I’m not often surprised how when someone gives up control as in the cases below, you attract higher quality for many reasons.
One being the ability to grant unrestrained freedom in your relationship.
People tend to react better when given a real choice they can make on their own.
- I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
A downplay of another’s ability to function or perform reasonable tasks restricts an important part of attraction.
I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
- I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
Taking things personal rarely ever lead to happiness.
- I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
Some call this “try hard” or forceful.
- I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
A gift is never really appreciated the way we expect or would like them to be.
There are so many other ways to reward a partner or date to show them how you care without the added “control” factor.
And it just so happens they help to develop long-term attraction.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
- I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.
I’ve always advocated “complete” people enhance their relationship.
- I demand that my needs be met by others.
A failure to fulfill yourself and your needs by yourself often leads to an undeserved disappointment in your partner.
- I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
Charm and charisma when being a part of someone is a wonderful thing to have and can attract easily BUT when it’s used with a goal, or done to prove empathy only degrades the effectiveness of it.
- I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others.
- I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
I recall David DeAngelo was the first to help me understand how “smarter” guys can easily make a mistake called the “genius paradox.” In this list he is quoted,
If you’d like to learn how to be more successful with women and dating, would you take advice from a guy who isn’t very intelligent, but who knows how to attract women?
There’s something about being smart that makes some guys unwilling to accept input, ideas, or instruction from anyone who isn’t either as smart or smarter than them.
- I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
Above I mention “indifference” must happen natural to be more effective to attract. Notice this pattern states “attitude” so it does not happen naturally.
This pattern is a big one.
It represents a range of emotions someone may go through when they meet someone they are attracted to and attempt to manipulate the other one’s feelings.
First comes the “I’ll act like I do not like them.”
When that does not work a feeling of powerless leads them to plea and beg for someone to reciprocate the attraction.
This act of helplessness only makes the problem worse often causing an eventual fight over the status of the relationship.
- I have obsessive, compulsive thinking patterns and cannot focus on daily activities.
- I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
- I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.
Approval seeking is one thing but when it is done to get what you want from someone – is well-known to eventually decrease how much attraction which can be felt towards you.
I‘m finding it difficult to form a conclusion which could tie this all together.
I must say the point of this and the last two posts was to get out my ideas and to show how strongly I believe in all this.
You see I’ve tried some pretty dumb things to get women to be attracted to me over my life.
Some have worked out well while others were beyond foolish.
But when it came down to it even the dumb stuff in its own little strange way, sort of worked.
Whether it was to prove how wrong it was or if it was part of some seemingly unrelated learning curve.
So I don’t, can’t, or probably never will advocate doing nothing is better than trying some stupids things like me.
Now I completely understand most of you will blow off what I’ve covered and never think twice about it.
Perhaps thinking it’s too much work and how there has to be an easier way.
Some of you will think about it for a little while.
Maybe you’ll have an “a-ha” moment.
Maybe there’s a chance the next time you find yourself acting like a victim you’ll stop yourself and find a better way to act or react.
Attraction, like so many events in life, often happens during an almost unpredictable moment.
Tie them together and something wonderful can happen.
Omit one piece and the whole event might crumble away leaving you with (something else. )
Then I suppose a key to it all and to gain the most success, can come down to just getting a few of those “moments” right.
When that pivotal moment happens which could ultimately decide triumph or success, the instance when attraction either builds into more or fizzles out into nothing, could very easily be decided by stepping out of a victim mentality or by not once again repeating a codependent pattern.
It may not come overnight or all at once but it will happen…
Because when you take away what is blocking attraction – you allow it to happen in a way which could not have been designed any better to work. Naturally.