Tough questions always inspire me to respond.
This particular one caught me eye recently. It is from a member here and if it’s not obvious, she is a woman.
I’m not always good at keeping things simple but I will separate the question:
PART ONE: “Be More Loving“
I love the way you worded it – “Inspire” and not “Change.”
I’ve found people who struggle “loving” don’t love themselves very much at all.
Perhaps, when dealing with men in particular, they may feel it’s a feminine emotion.
They just don’t understand when it’s right to show love and when it’s a “girly” thing to do so they opt to not do it much at all, to avoid being seen as feminine or a “wussy.”
But in many circumstances it revolves around a fear of being hurt.
Imagine a man and what the world projects to him from the beginning…
You’re the masculine one.
You’re not always allowed to cry.
Your emotions must always be kept in check at least more than “hers”.
You may be asked or forced to take blows to the head and body… because you’re a man.
And if you want to grow up a man sometimes you’re going to have to physically fight because some other guy has crossed your line.
Now let’s take that to a fear of being hurt.
A physically defeat is almost manly. A physical pain is easy to understand.
But none of that upbringing involved a real education on dealing with emotional pain.
If you follow your mother you’re a wussy.
If you follow your father you’re either not allowed to show it, you’re not allowed to talk about it, or you do what every other guy does – stick out his chest and pretends it doesn’t hurt.
And nothing feels worse than having to hold something in.
It only makes the emotional pain worse.
It makes us do some pretty stupid stuff and act out way too much.
That is unless a guy learns how to go emotionally numb. Which unfortunately many men learn how to do quite well.
All that above can easily create a personality afraid to win – you can never win without first failing.
Risking defeat means again having to deal with something that hurts beyond the physical world.
But if you open up and love someone else, that’s something you know will become impossible to go numb over.
So its best just to shut yourself off.
Show little and controlled empathy.
Never let yourself be in a place which threatens your emotional numbness.
Never let yourself be put in a position in which another person has the edge over your emotional state.
Because if you do… You lose the edge of your masculinity.
Also – Never let someone else see your true emotions.
They may rely on them and It’ll only hurt them eventually.
Or they could use them against you at a later time.
Emotions = Drama.
Drama = having to deal with an emotion too many men are not “trained” to deal with maturely.
Luckily lots of us learn by trial and error and function just fine with a little bit of drama.
So what IS the answer to getting a guy to open up or be more loving?
Without complete trust in sharing his emotions with you I don’t see him opening up.
In case you didn’t know this – I’m a pretty cool guy. People always seem to trust me.
I’ve always been the guy women drop their mouths at fifteen minutes into a conversation, because they can not believe what they just told me.
Maybe it’s because I ask the right questions the right way.
Maybe it’s because I listen intently.
Maybe it’s because people feel like I’m not going to judge them.
Maybe it’s for all the reasons above.
When you “badger” a man for an answer, he’ll fight you.
When he feels like he’s being interviewed he will “formulate” a response.
This typically leads to callous uncaring responses designed to speed the process up.
In other words, to get you off his back.
When you’re hearing your own words more than his, or when you’re thinking about what to say next while he is talking, he will be less likely to share.
Men who shut themselves off are not going to put themselves “out there” when their passionate or emotional response are pretty much ignored.
And we all are guilty of judging someone at some point in our lives. It’s practically unavoidable.
I knew this guy once. He had accused me of sleeping with his girlfriend.
Yes. I did sleep with her but when it came to their “relationship” they were certainly not on the same page.
Well this guy hated me even before she came along and the one phrase he liked to use on me was,
“Why don’t you stop judging people??!!”
His mistake was believing my observations of the social world around me was a prediction of their character.
But HE was the one judging ME!
He was the one who was living in a world in which he believed everybody was “deciding” something about him that was not true.
He lived on the inside of his mind and masked his true self behind accusations and humor.
He was closed off to me more than others because he did not trust me and he felt like I was only out to judge him.
As if my projection has any bearing on his life at all. But apparently it did with him or else he would have shown more “love” than anger around me.
It’s obvious if you are one of “the judges” in the world you’re going to attract or find yourself with those who are afraid to show their deeper emotions.
And it’s also obvious now if you meet a guy who lives on “the inside” and feels like everyone is judging him, or watching him closely, waiting for him to screw up, or waiting to knock him down a peg, you must find a way to make it clear to him that the world does not in fact revolve his success or his failures.
I see allowing a man to be more loving comes down to this:
- Knowing what questions to ask.
- Knowing how to ask them the right way.
- Listening with intent and purpose.
- Developing his trust in himself and his value in the world.
- Discuss intuitively with him that the world is not out to judge him.
And as Rori, an expert in the relationships between men and women put it…
To get close to a man, you have to let him in.
If we’re doing all the work and he’s just hanging out in his half of the relationship turf and not venturing into our hearts, if we’re with a man who doesn’t want to venture into our particular hearts, then all that makes sense is that we’re afraid to let a man – any man – in.
And as my favorite teacher of how to communicate with men, Christian put it…
And the WORST mistakes you can make here with a man I call the 4 Deadly Sins:
- Assuming – that he knows what you want or expect
- Begging – for him to “give you” what you want
- Convincing – trying to make him feel the way you do
- Bullying – bullying him into your way of thinking or feeling.
You will never have any long term success with a man if you keep doing these.
Christian Carter– 5 Steps You Can Use To Push His Secret Button For Better Communication
When you think about it, we all have a propensity to love and to be loved.
But it’s the communication and how we communicate our feelings which determines if we’re judged as being loved, showing more love, or just loving ourselves more.
Now what about inspiring a so-called loser to succeed?
I’ve found success is in our minds.
Other’s may again judge us by how “successful” we are in what we do or have done but that has little to do with our own inspiration to succeed and what it feels like to succeed.
Maybe later I’ll get into a philosophical mood about the subject but for you, and for all of us, I will stick to what I believe your question centered around – success with women – being successful in understanding women – succeeding in being a man who just seems to know what to, when to do it, and how to do it – the man who is the most successful with women always appears to be one step ahead of her.
But that’s for part two…you can get a head start below.
I found a few helpful alternatives you can read through on how to inspire others – I think you’ll find them useful and inspiring: