Is this a harsh statement of men like me or just the reality of it all?
I set my eyes on some of the most beautiful women I could meet and refused to settle for anything less.
In a way I’m saying a woman’s looks means everything to me and that if I don’t want you then I definitely don’t find you attractive.
You have every right of course to let me how wrong you think I am but for the record…
I did suffer for the consequences of my attitude.
It wasn’t the consequence of being lonely or the constant emptiness which comes from feeling like a failure.
The real hurt, the kind which lingers and creeps into every part of life comes from not understanding the truth.
Like why would someone keep chasing uninterested women when they know it’s bad for them?
Or what keeps us trying the same thing over and over again when we know it’s not working?
Or what causes it all?
The real cause of our failures.
When did they start?
And what has us sometimes choose constant failure over success?
My loneliness went on for years but in a strange way it was almost comforting.
It was predictable and it felt unique.
I think loneliness can feel different for everyone because sharing often involves a kindred to others. The feelings of solitude or not being able to share can easily be misunderstood as being “different” but it’s not. Is it?
My emptiness was a direct result of feeling like a failure.
This was because I connected “accomplishments” with real “results” or something tangible.
Such as when winning race you’re given a medal which is something tangible.
When you win HER over – you gain a girlfriend.
Something which in part can be considered tangible.
Obviously there are emotional gains from experiencing success and I believe it’s clear they are far more rewarding but in order for our mind to fully connect it often looks for real tangible results such as a pretty girl to show off to our friends.
The emptiness is left void because failure is all too often associated with negative results and not something positive such as an emotional or physical reward to success.
Imagine we measured our lives with a jar. When we’re born we’re given an empty cookie jar.
When we succeed it we get to add to it but when we fail we have to take something out of it.
We then spend our entire lives trying to either keep it at the same level by just getting by, constantly emptying it as a form of self-punishment, or desperately trying to have more than someone else so in a way we have a real measurement of our success.
This leaves me to see that not understanding when we feel lonely we’re actually more connected to others than we might believe.
It doesn’t make us different.
Suddenly the mere concept of “not understanding” becomes far more destructive than being lonely ever could by itself.
Not understanding when we fail it does not have to be a negative thing or not knowing how to reverse that belief becomes again far more destructive than just a “feeling” that we’ve failed.
Back to this constant urge to chase uninterested women.
Well if you’re like me – there may be a part of you who looks at women as that “pretty girl” to show off to your friends and family.
But just understanding that in a way is only a first step in moving past it all.
Keep putting tangible results on all of your successes and you’ll soon find either an empty jar or a jar full of “your” successes with a very probable inability to share them.
Such as the lonely man on the top of his career.
Sometimes when we feel lonely we “feel” different and chasing them blindly without learning or understanding how to get them assures we’ll remain lonely and different.
We get to keep “our” often selfish concept of our individuality and in the process once again fail to understand how to share our truest selves with another.
Now – for today is there really an answer here?
Is there a way to move past chasing those we desire the most?
I feel there is.
At least the ideas or rituals I follow in my life which have led me here today to share with you what works for me…
Embrace your loneliness.
It does not make you different.
It does not separate you from the world around you.
Everyone now, then, and in the future, at some point, we will ALL suffer from loneliness.
Not suggesting any of us should revel in it.
Only to “understand” how it actually connects us with others.
It goes without saying that even the most beautiful women in the world will also feel lonely.
If you spend all your energy chasing the “uninterested” you will leave very little for learning the powerful concept of how attraction works.
In this case doing what you can, however little it might be on any given day to make you more interested in yourself, the interests of people around you, and how connected you really are to it all.
When I started this all myself I became utterly fascinated by myself causing me to scrutinize my every action and reaction.
At the same time my fascination was also on those around me.
How they did things.
How they achieved.
How they dealt with failure.
How they succeeded despite odds or past beliefs.
Causing me to show a real genuine interest in people.
I quickly learned “chasing” women who wanted little to do with me sexually was actually causing me to feel more lonely than ever.
I quickly learned it was rarely ever about them.
It was about me and my ability to connect with others on certain levels.
And I noted the faster I would chase the faster they would run meaning I could never really catch up with them.
So on this “new” level of thinking I imagined the world (of women for this case) was racing to their own goals and aspirations.
Chasing them meant competing to be their goal or prize.
I imagined they were all running in semi-circles.
Some completely oblong and some in a narrow arc around the world.
I set myself not to chase – but to enjoy, revel, or visit them when our circles met.
I made sure I was ready by again, becoming interested in myself enough to want to share and gather what they were willing to share with me.
As simple as I can put what all this means:
She, her, women, are not tangible goals.
They don’t belong in our success jar if one were to exist.
As long as “refusing to settle” doesn’t stop you from learning or understanding the truth you will not see any “real” connection as a failure, regret, or settling.
Become just as interested in yourself as you do to those around you.
Share yourself equally and allow others to the same.
Failure is not a negative thing but often considered a prelude to success – as long as you’re not stuck chasing it blindly.
Loneliness does not make you different.
It may feel unique to you but each of us has felt it and will feel of course feel separated at some point.
Understand when you chase you’re trying to be a reward or prize or goal when you have no control over their personal success jars.
In their minds you can never be on the same path or circle as they are.
Now what if you want something today?
Something you can easily put in practice to help you stop chasing women, because I don’t blame you for asking…
The next time you find yourself in the act of chasing her or any woman – imagine what your life is right now without her and how that makes you feel.
It feels terrible. That I truly do understand.
Then picture her “circle”, her life, where it’s going and how happy or good it feels to let her enjoy it.
Trust that someday perhaps, (maybe tomorrow or maybe next year) if you step back to understand “how attraction works” your circles may cross and she may very well come to you.
However if you try to follow her “circle” and chase, plead, reach, you’ll only follow her and your “circle” will more than likely never cross hers.
This was a concept which came to me over some time and it all started when I stopped chasing women.
That is when I realized there’s nothing wrong with wanting beautiful women and not settling for less.
That is when I realized doing the same thing over even though it wasn’t working was just my little way of staying lonely so I could still feel different.
That is when I start to become more fascinated with myself leading me to share more with others and thus becoming more fascinated with them too.
That is when I realized we’re all living life on our little circles and it’s best to stay on our own paths.
To merely connect with others knowing and understanding how to be ready when it does happen.
That is when I realized chasing women was only increasing my loneliness and how empty I felt inside.
That is when I finally understood how to stop – look around – and allow attraction to do what it already knows how to do without any choice of our own.