I hate commercials… are you with me here? I will warn you, this is NOT about attracting women.
Just a little angry humor – in good fun?
I lost a couple computers lately.
One was apparently so turned on it over-heated constantly. It was usable but highly unstable and if I didn’t save my work every five seconds there was a good chance I’d lose it all.
So a friend gave me a laptop. Incredibly fast.
Finally… after weeks of turning the old beast on and off I could relax and enjoy the ride.
Until one fateful morning, my mind was flooded with ideas. I was ready to work. To get some serious things done. Full of energy and ready to tackle anything which came my way.
While sipping my cup of coffee (ominous music in the background, seriously I could hear it) the “on” button within inches I pressed it to begin and then… crickets.
Okay. I’ll try again. Nope. Nada. Zilch.
I kept pressing it hoping something different would happen. I took out the battery. Checked the connection. Opened it and closed it a few times for good measure and once again, absolutely nothing.
Wouldn’t you know it because I had just packed away the over-heated beast and I can see it in the corner mocking me.
I swear it was laughing its ass off determined to re-enter my life like an old girlfriend I left behind in college.
It knew. Oh it knew.
Now I’m not one to waste time so I put the laptop aside and began setting up the old one. Wires were hanging out of it.
I had to turn it on (and off) with a pencil because I was priming up the fans. This was my effort to keep her cool.
Things went well for about a week. At least the best I could hope for seeing how it didn’t get better all by itself.
Finally it landed itself in the ICU.
Two minutes was the best I could hope for.
It was on its last few moments.
We had some good times together but with nothing more to give, I finally had let it go.
If you don’t know me, Netflix is what I typically watch.
It’s not great but it’s better than my 8 channel cable which lends itself to mostly background noise with the occasional match and a few other things I can’t see any place else.
Well for very long nights when most people would give up and just go to sleep I wanted more. To watch anything I could to calm my mind and get to sleep. I have a very overactive thought process.
Little did I know the shear frustration coming out of me first began its long path from that television to my soul to the walls around me and finally, probably, to the neighbors downstairs as they heard me bitch and whine and scream as ten commercials at a time blessed my poor dumb stupid mind.
All I could think was, “Stop lying to people!”
“Stop insulting my intelligence!”
“Where’s the fucking show!”
“You just gave me five minutes worth of advertising on a channel which I PAY for and now you interrupt once again to tell who is sponsoring the freaking captions!”
“Brought to you by…”
Don’t I pay for it.
Don’t I pay the electric bill.
Didn’t I pay for the TV?
Don’t I pay for a cable to come through my house?
Now I know this is a pretty old argument. I know just maybe… I “should” be out doing something.
I understand my life doesn’t revolve around my television and I “should” just get up and turn the stinking thing off and what… read a book?
In all fairness I read and write more than my fair share. Mostly non-fiction. I love to learn.
So at a time when my brain has done enough, watching back to back to back episodes of “American Dad” on Netflix keeps me happily blissful.
Eventually I nod off…
But it can not be just me… You can’t read those freakishly small disclaimers on the bottom of the screen anyways but to protect their legal rights they put them there. Well if you can’t or don’t want to read them, why bother.
Let’s take a look at a sampling I’ve recently encountered:
According to them, I don’t get it up enough – yeah tell that to the women who know me.
I’m a borderline dirty old man and everyone knows it.
If I don’t go to some famous jewelry store – she won’t love me. And here I teach guys they CAN get laid without having to pay for it.
Guess I was wrong.
I can get my taxes done for free?
Doesn’t the government already offer THAT service and if I have to do anything which requires a serious tax document, well they’re going to charge me anyways, aren’t they?
Apparently I have every infliction known to man – luckily they have the cure with minimal side effects up to but perhaps not “including” death.
I guess that would take care of my taxes then.
I’m sorry but if I eat your food more, I will actually live less and probably die of a heart attack and guess who won’t be paying that hospital bill?
I was told to stay in school, don’t be a quitter, never use drugs… at one thirty in the freaking morning… but try this alcohol, come gamble with us in Las Vegas – just do it all responsibly.
Ummm excuse me but when I get drunk my lack of judgement is far from responsible.
Did you know there’s a war over vaginal itching and odor? I didn’t… would that make a good Valentine’s day gift or what,
“Honey… you have a problem!”
Can’t wait until the day they come out with “Cock Deodorant” which tastes like Gummi Bears!
She’ll like that. 😉
And speaking of Gummi shit.
Really Gummi vitamins?
I can understand how it’s hard to get a kid to swallow something nasty but for adults – what, if you can’t freaking swallow a pill you have more problems than any Vitamin will ever solve and I’d see a specialist about that immediately.
Don’t even get me started on the cell phone ads they throw at us…
If you’re so cheap with such wonderful service, then why does it cost me more to carry a phone than it costs to insure me, my home, and my car put together?
And last but not least – because it just occurred to me:
Seriously if we were to believe all of them I’d never leave my house. But wait I can bundle that, right? And what does a lizard know about insurance? And who is that woman? She looks nothing like my insurance agent.
I guess I didn’t have insurance on my old over heated computer.
Luckily I can insure my cell phone.
But why can’t I get insurance on someone else’s insurance policy when they hit you and refuse to pay you for renting a car for two more weeks because she claimed,
“Couldn’t I get a family member to drive me around during the holiday season?”
Alright. I got it all out today. 😀
Please STOP lying to us with your bullshit distorted facts no ones cares enough to research anyways.
STOP insulting our intelligence.
STOP trying to sell us a better life.
If I want to use ten paper towels to clean up my mess – I will.
You can tell us about your products and how we can benefit from them but it’s YOUR job to come up with clever ways to do it WITHOUT having to resort to bullshit sketchy ads which only feed on our greatest fears of not being popular, being all too sober, death, and of course feminine itching and odor.
I do sell products here and there and I have been tempted to the “dark side” but I just feel when it comes all this – if I want to sell you a fishing pole, I’ll teach you how to fish.
You tell me what you want, I’ll find it for you.
I want to sell you a “way” to attract women – just tell me what you need to make that happen.