What do you think of when you hear the word "flirting"? Be honest.
For years (make that decades) I used to equate the concept of flirting with making the kind of remarks and/or gestures toward women that would get you slapped for your efforts.
Images of construction workers whistling at female passers-by. Unsolicited whacks on the tail. Lines like "Hey baby, nice shoes..."
Know what I mean?
Basically, being called a "flirt" was never something positive back when I was in school. At least, I didn't THINK it was.
Except that in retrospect, all the guys the girls would call a "flirt" in an irritated and/or shocked tone of voice also seemed to be the ones who got the dates.
Was it that maybe the girls actually LIKED being flirted with, and that my own misinformation about all "male behavior" equating to "bad behavior" had clouded my logic?
Nah... couldn't have been.
Flirting had to have been a bad idea if you wanted to be a "nice guy".
At least that's what I used to think.
But nowadays my perspective is different.
It all started when I began to figure out that women talk about flirting A LOT. In fact, women's dating advice is practically obsessed with it.
Considering women talk about it so much, I realized that it can't be automatically a "negative" in their mindset.
The truth is that women, like men, want to know HOW to flirt...and they want to know WHEN to flirt.
Moreover, they want to know how to respond POSITIVELY to MEN who are flirting with THEM.
You mean the answer isn't as easy as "slap their grill silly, stomp away angrily and call security?"
Apparently not. That wouldn't require so much writing on the subject.
So here's the deal. If women WANT to be flirted with, then the REAL DEFINITION of what "flirting" is must somehow be different than "unsolicited, unwanted sexual advances".
And it is.
The real definition of "flirting" is not only VERY different than that, it's also DISARMINGLY SIMPLE.
"Flirting" is simply ANY INTERACTION of ANY KIND with MOTOS (members of the opposite sex) that would flat-out feel WRONG were it directed to someone of the same gender.
Granted, I'm assuming "heterocentrism" here...but I trust you get my point.
It's not necessarily overtly SEXUAL communication.
It's simply DIFFERENT.
If you see a woman coming the other way and smile at her, you probably wouldn't have smiled that way at another guy.
We all know that if you lock eyes with a man and hold the gaze, it signals potential hostility. So you'd probably avoid that scenario.
But if you lock eyes with a woman and hold it, that's DIFFERENT.
If you're checking in at the airline counter and the woman asks for your ID, you might joke with her that she's probably wondering if she's old enough to hang with you. Innocent enough...but not exactly what you'd say were it a guy behind the counter. Right?
If you're shopping for clothes and ask a particularly hot woman who works there to recommend some stylish threads to "make you look good", and she obliges, my guess is that you'll interact with her along the way a bit differently than you would were some dude helping you.
In fact, you'd probably tell the guy who works there that you were "just looking" and take your chances on your own.
Because that's DIFFERENT. It's just not the SAME when someone of the same gender helps you with stuff like that.
I think too many of us as guys are too uptight about, if not downright SCARED OF flirting because we treat it as a "black and white" issue.
What if you started looking at the "grey area"?
What if you made a habit of realizing that simple banter with women doesn't have to be "sexually charged" in order to be flirting?
Could you potentially see how by doing so you can quickly and easily set yourself apart as a MAN rather than some "neuter creature"...all the while without being creepy, sleazy or pushy?
What if you began to FREE YOURSELF to interact with women in a way that's DIFFERENT than how you interact with other guys?
And here is the wild part: I bet you ALREADY DO EXACTLY THAT. Every day. Probably without even realizing it.
Every day, 95% or more of us as guys are on auto-pilot as far as interacting with women "differently" goes.
In other words, it's likely that you already have MORE PRACTICE and are probably BETTER AT flirting than you guess.
Now, don't get me wrong. If you are one of the 5% out there who absolutely, positively and robotically responds to any human being drawing breath in the same manner all the time, you probably need to loosen up. In fact, call me IMMEDIATELY and let's get that handled.
But see, my guess is that 80% of you guys reading this are thinking you must be part of that 5%. And you probably are not.
Test me here. The next time you leave the house, pay careful attention to how you interact with men compared to how you interact with women. My educated guess is that you'll note clear differences that you may have not even noticed before.
That's because you're a FLIRT. And you're hard-wired to be--practically from birth.
Amazingly, flirting isn't even limited to hot women you are attracted to, let alone only to women you've just met.
Since it's not sexually charged necessarily, just about anyone or anything female could potentially be responded to "differently".
And they should be responded to "differently"...even if you've known them for fifty years.
It's all about making women smile. It's about making them comfortable with you. It's about giving them the distinct privilege, accompanied by the subtle thrill, of having a MAN in their presence.
Now, with THAT final piece of the puzzle in place, you can now see how "stage 2" flirting-the kind that involves a little more sexual zing-is a natural outflow from this "different" style of communication with women.
But as a man, you can modulate how that goes by LEADING as you interact with women.
For instance, you say something fun and challenging to brighten her day. How does she respond?
If she responds in a manner that is decidedly DIFFERENT than how she might respond to some other lady, then you've got a willing accomplice.
If she's stone cold and about as neuter as a Styrofoam cup...well, maybe not.
But if she responds powerfully to your leadership in the conversation, you can then train yourself to recognize that as potential interest of the decidedly NON-neuter kind.
At that point, get her number. Make plans to see her again. DO SOMETHING rather than leave her hanging. Because if you do not do something, you'll disappoint her.
Oh...and by the way...in case you haven't figured it out yet, all of this logic works in REVERSE.
Have you been sitting around lately complaining that women should "show more interest" in guys and/or "make it easier" for you to approach them?
From now on, you know that if a woman is interacting with you in ANY WAY that's DIFFERENT from how she would typically deal with another woman, then you've got all the info you need.
After all, she probably won't whistle like a construction worker, grab your crotch or use some line on you. At least probably not.
So with that in mind, give all that I've shared with you a try. I promise you'll be blown away.
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