“How does she view attraction? Are her limited beliefs stopping her from being attracted to you. Look at it from her perspective. Maybe you’re disqualifying yourself to them because you’re attracted to them. If you can not believe a woman would feel attracted to you, how can you expect her to actually feel it and believe it.”
…Written by Scot McKay.
Back in seventh grade, to say I had virtually zero skill with MOTOS (Members Of The Opposite Sex) would have been an understatement.
Even though I was from a very middle-class family, a series of events had landed me at one of the most exclusive private schools for rich kids in the Baltimore metro area.
From the very first day, I knew I didn’t fit in there.
Being the “new kid“, I didn’t even have any friends anymore. I had to start from zero, which is a challenge for any seventh grader changing schools.
But in this case, I also could tell instantly that I didn’t have the right clothes. I didn’t have the right “pedigree“, or whatever. I was clearly low-man on the social “totem pole” in just about every way.
It didn’t take long for my already suspect pre-pubescent self-image to take a nosedive.
But meanwhile, something really odd was happening.
Even as I was feeling completely alienated, I started getting attention from some very, very cute girls.
Maybe it was simply because I was new. Maybe it was because I was different. Who knows? But they were talking to me…and being FRIENDLY.
Now, I realize these are seventh graders we’re talking about, but when you’re a seventh grader the most heavenly MOTOS on Earth typically happen to be seventh graders like yourself.
So when the attention started to come from girls who were not only cute but smart, socially popular and dressed in the most expensive clothes possible, my brain started to play tricks on me.
But what really fried my circuits was that their last names tended to be the same as people like my U.S. Congressman, the weatherman on Channel 13 and last year’s Cy Young Award winner from the Baltimore Orioles.
You had to be kidding me. Why would these girls even TALK to me? It was the “Too Good To Be True Factor” in its purest form.
So, of course, I did what many of us as guys-young OR old-would do: I assumed they weren’t serious. They MUST be making fun of me.
And that’s what I accused them of. As some bizarre sort of “protection mechanism“, I at best ignored them, sometimes rejected them, and in particularly grim moments called them out on their cruel “trickery“.
Before you know it, it all became a self-fulfilling prophecy. They really DID start to dislike me. They began to make fun of me-for real.
And thirty years later, I now know why. I had led.
During that fateful seventh grade year, one of the coolest teachers we had was Mr. Green. As a recent college grad and an All-American lacrosse player, he had been hired to be a coach but doubled as an English teacher.
Looking back, I’m sure he had pretty solid skills with women. All the girls loved him, and there were even rumors about the seventh grade Math teacher…
At the end of the year, when yearbooks came out, he wrote something particularly interesting in mine. It read as follows:
“Relax and have fun. The girls love you. -Chris Green”
The simple fact that any teacher would sign a seventh grade kid’s yearbook with his first name was cool enough. But the message itself amazed me.
Unfortunately, it would take several more years and finally getting kicked out of private school for bad behavior for me to realize that perhaps what he was saying was true.
And even then, it would take MANY more years to really “get it“.
So many of us as guys have NO PROBLEM talking to women we are marginally attracted to, yet we completely blow it with women we can’t quite yet see as “attainable“.
Usually, “unattainable” is synonymous with “ones we really like“.
Within the past couple of days, the idea has hit me like a lightning bolt that this is often because we tend to suffer from what I call a “Limiting Belief In Reverse” (LBIR).
You know what a “limiting belief” is by now. You’re too poor, too old, or too SOMETHING to get the women you want.
And you also know by now that I believe that it’s unreasonable to assume that ALL WOMEN think like you do about your “limiting beliefs“.
Well, here’s how the LBIR works.
Basically, when you see a woman you REALLY like, you assume she HAS NO FAULTS, and that she has UNLIMITED ABILITY to attract ANY guy she wants and GET WHATEVER SHE WANTS from them.
In other words, as you believe you are inherently unworthy, you ascribe ULTIMATE, PERFECTED “WORTHINESS” to her.
It’s the opposite of a “limiting belief“. As some sort of way to underscore your own limitations, you ascribe goddess-like perfection to her in order to further insulate yourself from self-blame when you don’t approach her, or when you screw up the first date.
But see, just like a “limiting belief” robs YOU of potential success, the LBIR has a similar-but reversed-effect.
The LBIR robs HER of an equal opportunity to find out what kind of high-level “Big Four” guy YOU are.
By assuming she’s “unattainable“, you’ve pre-DISqualified her in a sense.
And guess what? When we view the world like this, it’s really just because of our own ARROGANCE.
That’s right…I said it.
When you pre-judge women as “unattainable” simply because they are YOUR EXACT “TYPE”, you’ve made an unfair assessment that ignores HER potential input on the matter.
You make a decision on her behalf that she won’t like you. It’s kind of like saying, “My way AND the highway“, if you think about it.
In the real world, I’ve noticed that while it’s true that none of us can be all things to all MOTOS, the actual pattern in which women DO respond favorably to a particular guy typically has little to do with the “type” of women that guy would guess he’d “look good with“, be more attracted to, etc.
In fact, and perhaps shockingly, some of the women who aren’t our “type” like us A LOT. Others, not so much.
And here it is:
While it’s true not every woman who is your vision of female perfection will like you, it’s equally true that SOME WILL. A lot. Perhaps even as much as YOU LIKE THEM.
But just like you’ve got to do away with “Limiting Beliefs“, you’ve got to do away with LBIRs also. And the latter is the step that I think MANY, MANY of us overlook, don’t we?
Because we are always taught to focus on ourselves. OUR inner game. OUR outer game.
And when we don’t get out of our own heads, we often fail to see the perspective of the exact women we’d like to attract.
Even when your game is solid, you’ve got to be able to see the proverbial “forest for the trees” when it comes to women. You can’t make their decisions for them when it comes to attraction…even though that doesn’t stop us from trying, apparently.
So in two simple words, stop it. Being a “Big Four” man, give perfectly reasonable women, albeit amazing ones, the simple chance to make their own decisions about you.
Will you get EVERY ONE of them? No.
Will you get A LOT more of them than if you pre-DISqualified ALL of them?