“Your social skills work this way. The cure for your neediness may be a clear conscience. What is manipulation? How this stops you from being overly clingy.”
Written by Scot McKay.
How social skills really work…
When we talk about social skills as it relates to attracting women, the conversation typically centers around a very finite number of variables.
Most of these variables involve polar opposites with regard to what we as individuals DO and DON’T want evident in our public-facing persona.
For example, most of us would rather not resort to manipulation in order to get what we want in any aspect of life, especially as it pertains to women.
And true to deserving what we want, we absolutely positively don’t want to BE manipulated either.
Further, most of us who aren’t psychopathic by nature want to be seen as generous towards others in thought, word and deed.
You know–the kind of person who makes everyone’s life just a bit more fulfilling and exciting just by being around.
But we’d rather not become everyone’s doormat in the process, either.
Perhaps most of all, we dread being “needy” or “clingy” and therefore perceived as someone who is an approval seeker.
After all, those who SEEK approval are typically viewed by others as the most starved for it, and therefore those LEAST deserving of it naturally.
Yet…every normal red-blooded human being walking this planet desires to be loved…and therefore “approved“, by definition.
Ironic, isn’t it?
Indeed, we hear ideas about the individual importance of all of these different concepts bantered about every day, from any and every corner of the wide world of “dating advice”.
But what we encounter FAR LESS OFTEN is talk about how all of those factors INTERRELATE.
It’s relatively easy to dissect each facet of human interaction and describe it in a vacuum. And you bet that can be valuable conversation.
But without the ability combine all of the right moves into that ever-elusive state of “effective social skill“, we flat-out will NEVER be able to attain maximum ability to deserve what we want.
So today, once and for all, I’d like to draw all of those components together for you and demonstrate how they interact…even as WE interact with one another.
Because, you see, I believe this is where the “light bulb” is going to go on for many of us.
Much of the time the advice you read about not being needy, avoiding clinginess, and eliminating manipulative tendencies plays something like a Nike ad: “Just Do It“.
Putting practical concepts behind such ideas can be elusive.
But we’ve recently discussed practical steps toward actual, tangible confidence and masculinity in our programs for guys, and today I’m going to give you the same level of actual, tangible answers regarding the topic at hand.
Last night I was on the phone with one of the guys who is about midway through the Ten-Plus program. He had brought up an interesting issue earlier in the day via e-mail:
“I have realized that all the things I have done to make the changes that I’ve been making have been for the purpose of obtaining positive responses from people. Perhaps what I’ve done is valid, but I did it to be liked. I did it to try and manipulate things, namely how people perceive me.”
When I called him and started listening to more about what he was getting at, it occurred to me that he actually felt a bit guilty about his newfound ability to elicit very positive reactions from people thanks to recent changes in social habits.
What threw me was that he used the word “manipulate” to describe how he felt he had brought all of this about.
But when I finally grasped exactly what he was feeling, I simply-non-eloquently-stated,
“Dude, you aren’t a ‘manipulator’ simply because people are giving you the type of social approval you’ve always desired. You have every human right to be appreciated–to be approved of. We all want that, and it’s not at all a negative thing to enjoy the logical, natural results of being generous, giving, and downright cool towards people. And there’s no GUILT in being attractive to women”
The words were more of an epiphany to him than I could have dreamed while I was uttering them.
And the more we discussed, the more the social concepts that repeatedly vex those who struggle with women (and indeed all things social, in many cases) started coming together before our very eyes.
In reality, being AUTHENTIC about wanting to make the lives of those around you better NATURALLY begets approval from those around you.
Others appreciate your social demeanor towards them, and happily reward you. And enjoying that reward, in a very real way VALIDATES your actions towards others.
It’s like a self-perpetuating cycle, loosely related to the good-old Golden Rule: You become a man who enriches the lives of others, and your life is enriched to a greater degree.
The secret to success, from a social standpoint, is all in the nature of the outward intentions you have and your ability to execute upon them
Take ANY aspect of this level of social interaction and throw it into disarray, and the entire house of cards comes crashing down.
Here are the four possible sides of what I mean:
1. Offer unconditional validation and goodwill while rejecting validation and goodwill from others
Become a DOORMAT, therefore, and open oneself to easy manipulation. As my friend and I discussed, this can even come off as arrogance, as oddly tragic as that sounds. No matter what, there is no respect for the “giver“.
The polar opposite of this state of affairs would be…
2. Feign unconditional positive concern for others, while the real intent is purely selfish gain
This is the very definition of social manipulation.
Now consider the two ends of the spectrum at large…
3. Little positive concern for others, little concern over personal gain.
This illustrates lack of self-respect, and therefore an inability to respect others. This is the stuff personal hopelessness and despair is made of. The “house of cards” has been flattened.
4. Genuine unconditional concern for others, expectation of positive response from others.
This is, by definition, what “mutual respect” is all about. In order to truly respect (and therefore enrich) others we MUST hold our own measure of self-respect to a golden standard. We do not allow ourselves to tolerate mistreatment by others, even as we treat others fairly and reasonably.
The “house of cards” is transformed into a “tower of power” at this point.
Do you see now how all of that (respect, approval, neediness, selfishness, selflessness and manipulation) works together?
If not, read this newsletter several times until it starts to make sense. Doing so could illuminate your ability to deserve what you want more than most people will ever comprehend.
Just for good measure, here are some other thoughts that my friend and I discussed on the phone…all pertinent.
1. A “needy” or “clingy” approval-seeker’s primary problem is that he is still in his own head, rather than considering others first.
“Neediness” means he is preoccupied about getting his own needs met. The one who is willing to prioritize GIVING validation over RECEIVING validation is the one who is more likely to GET validation and approval.
This is because such approval is a REWARD rather than something that is demanded.
2. Similarly, RESPECT cannot be demanded effectively anymore than approval.
He who respects himself enough to NOT be a doormat, can respect others accordingly. The desired level of respect is therefore naturally “earned” in a “bloodless coup” of sorts.
Contrast this with “badboy” guys who “command” respect through fear and intimidation. The “respect” afforded them is hollow, and therefore unfulfilling…especially from women.
3. “Manipulation” is the fake “shadow” of effective social skill.
It’s an imitation, exactly as “pickup techniques” are an “imitation” of genuine manhood in a social context with attractive women.
The manipulator should only expect to effectively manipulate “doormats“, who will have no real foundation for bestowing respect, as we’ve already noted. In other words, “manipulation” cannot bring about genuine respect or approval…only disingenuous imitations thereof.
4. The manipulator is “self-serving“, which is a perversion of “self-respecting” in every sense.
The manipulator’s mindset is not evolved enough to realize that ham fisting one’s desired results on one’s own terms can only-at best-result in the effect the manipulator himself envisions. Meanwhile…
5. …He who respects self and therefore others finds that his social rewards are lavished upon him by others on THEIR terms, which very often exceeds imagination’s grasp…and typically BETTER and MORE EXCITING than any outcome that could have been manipulated.
So by definition, this experience far exceeds any potential hollow “fulfillment”
And ALL OF THE ABOVE, when considered together, should describe once and for all why the sex-focused man complains that women are “dead lays“.
Similarly, now you have a clear picture as to why the man who provides leadership with confidence, direction and-most of all-genuine positive concern is the one you’ll NEVER hear complaining that there are “no good women in [insert your country here] nowadays“.
He operates with a clear conscience. He naturally draws the adoration and respect of those around, especially highly desirable women.
It is he who understands how it is a man becomes a “chooser” versus a “chaser“.
He deserves what he wants.