This is for the gentlemen who asked for advice – a woman he knows talks to him differently than the other guys and she’s now fighting with her boyfriend. He’s thinking about asking her out… Rather than blurt it all out let’s dive a little into my past first and see where it takes us.
She talks to me differently…
I once believed when a woman talked to me “differently” it was because we had something special and we did have something great, but it was called “friendship“.
No woman who feels a deep level attraction for a specific guy will “knowingly” talk about another man that she is currently dating or trying to date.
It would go against her best interest to willingly look “bad” in front of a guy she has an undying devotion towards.
Women would always come to me to tell me about their current “boyfriend” problems and how they’re always fighting.
They did it because they trusted me and because they believed that our friendship was devoid of any sexual intention.
Some of those women made me want to “wait it out” and so secretly I was hoping they’d break up and come running to me for support.
In a few of those situations that actually happened. I got to listen to her cry and while she was letting it all out to a close friend…
I WAS scheming, waiting, hoping I’d finally get my chance which in actuality never happened.
Practically every one of those times – shortly after – she was back with him forgiving him for his mistakes and would disappear from my life. Well until another problem had come up.
The truth can mostly hurt when it comes to how we feel about a certain woman.
After all if we felt nothing for her beyond friendship we would technically only care that we didn’t like seeing her get hurt and we would probably tell her so honestly.
Based on those experiences and a lot more I decided to set up a few rules for myself.
Some of which worked well just not the way I thought they would…
I vowed to never become friends with another woman I wanted sexually.
I vowed to never sit and wait for a breakup to happen hoping I’d get my chance eventually.
I vowed to never set my eyes ( or give energy to ) on a woman who had a boyfriend, especially if I believed they were either not right for each other OR if I felt “jealously” better than him.
Those rules helped me to step back and fully objectify my relationships with women and they proved their helpfulness BUT they also caused some “other” problems.
First – vowing to never be friends with a woman I wanted sexually only proved to me I had a real problem,
Not knowing how attraction worked was one of them and the other was, my social life now consisted of only men with the same past or present problems.
Quickly, after much contemplation, the reality of my circumstance came down to a few questions…
WHY did I always become friends with women and WHY were they not attracted to me?
What was I doing that they only ever saw me as a friend first and never a “boyfriend” option?
Suddenly my first rule wasn’t working for me in the way I thought it would but it DID teach me something else.
It showed me the truth of my experience with women but it did little to change it.
My second rule – vowing to never sit and wait for a breakup of a friend to happen hoping I’d get my chance – well never really happened because my first rule meant I didn’t have any more friends who were “attractive” women.
It was all too easy to follow.
BUT little did I know it would come into play much later.
So sure it was easy to follow but until I found the answers to the question the “first rule” proposed I didn’t know how to stick to it.
It kind of happened accidentally.
The third rule – never set my eyes ( or give energy to ) on a woman who as taken actually worked well to a certain extent but again, it never worked or helped the way I thought it would.
I realized I had little or no control over who I felt attracted to.
I couldn’t avert my eyes.
My attraction was beyond my control.
Whether she had a boyfriend or not did not seem to matter at all.
Then something even more strange happened – this belief I carried that I was BETTER than those guys was found to be total bullshit.
I wasn’t any better than them and it occurred to me that this lowered form of jealously was dictating my actions but also misdirecting my attention.
It was stopping me from seeing what was really going on and in a quick circle came rushing back to me and my set of rules:
Lying to my “woman” friends and pretending I only ever wanted to be their friends in the first place.
Call it Nice Guy Manipulation 101.
“…being “extra nice” is usually a direct symptom of being needy and desperate… a dead giveaway that you DO NOT HAVE OPTIONS. (…) You can be a nice guy and get great women. But only if you mean it, and only if you know how to make friends. No “hidden agendas” and no lazy selfishness allowed.” The Difference Between “Nice” and “Mr Nice Guy”
Every “attractive” woman I met I wanted sexually, but it was the one thing I hid from them because I wanted to be “different” , NO I wanted to feel superior or better than the guys who were blatant about their attraction and acted on that first and then maybe settling for a “screw it who cares” friendship later.
Waiting or sitting around meant when I met a woman I wanted badly SHE became my entire existence.
I used it as an excuse to be lazy.
It gave me every reason to avoid dating other women because inside I knew or believed I couldn’t attract women anyways.
Hence the lack of education or know-how skills to attract women.
Waiting around for “her” also quickly became love to me.
Like how I convinced myself how much I loved “her” because I was willing to wait when in reality again, I had little or no options with other women anyways causing my focus to become blurred and terribly misleading.
The second rule only started working when I found other options and did many other things to assure myself I wasn’t waiting around – I was dating around and if things didn’t work out for her, or for me, our paths could meet again.
So as long as we remained in touch and my judgement of her relationship and the guy she was dating did little or nothing to affect how I felt about myself.
When it did affect me and I found myself scheming again or pre-judging a man then I knew without a doubt – I still had some work to do.
This became a measurement tool for success and one which never lied.
It was as accurate as could be because objectively speaking I could not avoid its absolute truth.
To the friendly man who came to me for advice – I do hope my story has helped you a little.
I recommend DO NOT search for a way to ask her out especially while another man is still her boyfriend AND she’s coming to you for consoling or even just to vent her frustrations out.
That just spells trouble in many ways one in which it usually means you’re deep in the friends zone with her.
After all, even if you do nothing, or forget about her entirely, or pull away hoping she’ll stop coming to you to talk about her current boyfriend problems – or what if I’m wrong… what if I’ve missed the mark and don’t have a clue about what is happening or how she feels…