Here’s the thing, I’ve got a good ‘problem’ I want to get your advice on.
It’s actually not a problem at all, but I’m walking on relatively new ground and want to keep looking forwards rather than back. So I feel it’s always good to keep checking the Map and confiding in the new path.
I’m sensing a lot more interest/attraction from women right now…As a by product of all the self work and reflection this year I’ve got a lot more interest from women on the whole. And there are 2 women in particular who are certainly showing a lot of attraction towards me. I’m definitely interested in moving things forward with both and enjoying whatever may or may not transpire there. (..)
Now, and this may be the old nice guy thing coming out, how do you advise managing a situation when you have 2 or 3 women with whom you have attraction?
I want to explore things with all of them.
But, at some stage it may well be that things get deeper with one woman and I would then transition into something more monogamous. I think most women, when seeing more than one person, would hide it and not say anything and eventually just transition into monogamy with one person.
What’s the best approach from a male perspective?
I’d really like to see all 3 of them and whoever else may come into the picture. I don’t see any reason why you would say anything about that to any of them.
They have no need to know that I’m seeing other people. They probably can sense it to a degree anyway.
If they ask I’d likely tease them about it. But, if it were to be a persistent question, then I’d want to be honest with them. Would you follow that path, or is it better to be clear from the start with everyone?
Again, it’s a great situation to be in. (…) But, and this does sound like the nice guy. I don’t want to ‘hurt’ any of them by spending time together and then ‘choosing’ one. I suppose the converse is that, not spending time with them at all, when there’s a level of mutual attraction, would be the where the real hurt comes from?!?
It’s an interesting bit of headspace that I’ve floated into. So it would be good to get some of your thoughts to help re-find that 20-20 clarity.
Congratulations on having to ask this “ahem ahem” tough “next level of attraction” question. 🙂
You’ve just stumbled on an incredible qualification “tool.”
Here’s the deal and here’s how I have approached the problem.
When you’re casually dating someone and they’re expecting you NOT to date anyone else there’s a great possibility they are insecure, expect you to conform to their needs, and are probably dating someone else too.
“Do what I say and not what I do.” Some women put out will YOUR choices so they are the ones doing all the choosing and seem to have all the power.
I would not blurt out,
“Hey, by the way, I’m dating two other women right now so you better be on your best behavior if you want to get me…”
However when your busy life won’t allow you to “over-see” someone you’re not committed to, your attitude will naturally display this without having to use a tired old technique.
Now if you can add a little teasing back about it when they do mention it, (as you wrote,) then it projects a confidence most women can not resist so great job on that.
Don’t let the “nice guy” get the best of you to spare her feelings by thinking you have to tell every woman you date you’re seeing other people.
There’s one very clear concept about attracting the opposite sex and it’s that we’re always more attracted to someone who has other choices – even if it means we might have to work a little harder to “get” with them.
Women also know this… if you’re dating other women ( whether she likes it or not ) she’ll be more likely to believe and assume you’re worth dating.
If you truly believe you’re worth having options because you believe in yourself from a healthy and confident attitude – and you believe all the work you’ve put in on yourself means you rightly deserve to have this “all too rare problem,”
You can then admit to yourself honestly,
“If I have the ability to attract incredibly equal women then I’m giving her no reason to believe she is the only one who would ever feel attracted to me.”
Personally I assume and expect if I’m dating someone it means she’s “cool” enough to date other guys.
Expect her to believe the same about you.
- Don’t hide it because that only shows her you’re afraid and not convinced as that you’re doing is right.
- Don’t flaunt it because that telegraphs an arrogance and a need to control and is all too player like.
- Don’t deny it because, well that’s just plain lying man.
Instead concern yourself with managing a new problem in your life when it comes to dating several women at once… Time Management!
Something I bring up in my Girlfriend Steps – When You Control Your Life Effortlessly, Women Will Want To Be In It.
I believe you see the answer clearly.
If she’s persistent and demanding about how you should stop seeing other people, chances are it won’t work out anyways and you might want to just stay friends with her.
Now as for the hurting them – as long as you act respectable you have no control over that.
Some may get hurt.
Some may not.
I believe the real issue behind your dilemma is:
Men who find themselves overly concerned they’re going to hurt someone is assuming she’s probably into him more than she actually is.
Meaning she’s not blind to what is going on.
I’m not implying this is you, I’m saying that is how SHE will perceive a man who is thinking like this.
I hope that clears up any of your confusions and again, congratulations on your “new” problem.
You’ve proven to me and hopefully the rest of the world a “good” guy can achieve success in this area of dating choices and have helped us see some of the “problems” they may encounter along the way.
Thanks for writing and as always – wishing you the best of luck.