Hi Peter, I’ve been seeing this girl for a month now, at first, she was really attracted to me, never declined my invitations and made a couple of investments in our budding relationship. She always avoided my gaze because I realized it made her blush (she’s the shy type)..after the second date, we had a long passionate kiss, after which I acted like it wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t contact her for about 2 days, within which she showed signs of loosing control over me, like sending me txt msg that she misses me and giving missed calls of which she quickly made excuses that they were sent due to an error on her phone (her phone is in good condition…lol) so the next time we met, I made a mistake and asked her to be the number one girl in my life…she immediately freaked out saying that she wasn’t ready for a relationship and that it was a no (she just got out of a terrible relationship months back) she brought all kinds of objections especially about me not saying anything about the kiss and insinuating that all I wanted was to have her and dump her. but her body language was saying “pls I don’t want you to go” I acted cool as if it didn’t bother me and she texted me later that night asking if we were cool..a few days later, we were supposed to hang out but she came late with a guy (I learnt had been chasing her for 2 years and she had friendzoned) saying she came to pick some of her stuffs from my room and that she couldn’t stay for long. I immediately knew it was a scheme to make me jealous out of my skin..lol. At this point I knew I had messed up but as an alpha male, I made up my mind to correct the mess..so I didn’t contact her for a few days. I started focusing on my other options and she got to know through one of my blackberry update…so she pinged me asking if I was home that she wanted to hang out but I told her I was tired and needed to rest so she said it was okay. Ever since, our relationship has been akward even though she still shows signs that she’s attracted to me but she kinda has a wall up now and is not as open as she used to be. I need to bring down those walls as fast as possible and bed her before its too late….pls I need help. tnx
“You want to bring down her walls and bed her before its too late.”
Sorry man, not my exact definition of how an Alpha Male works.
“Let’s start right off by saying that “Alpha” behavior is NOT bad.
Of course your words are up to my interpretation so that may be your way of making her your girlfriend.
I’m not sure exactly what you mean.
Secondly, just so we’re clear – correcting a mess does not mean simply not contacting her.
Sure, sometimes walking away is the right thing to do but let’s not confuse what that actually accomplishes.
If it’s to move on because a woman has rejected you, or a means to stop you from obsessing over her, or if it’s to give you time to personalize your life and your goals – then it’s highly appropriate BUT that’s for you…
Correcting a mess between two people (in these types of situations) requires communication.
Something neither one of you have proven to me (through your words) as being very clear and game free.
But enough of all that…
It seems you two are just on different time frames.
She wants to take things slowly AND she doesn’t trust your intentions.
You want to move “as fast as possible” before she ends up with some other dude or possibly so you can get yourself off.
If that’s how I’m seeing it then you must imagine she’s thinking the same thing.
I get the feeling she senses your urgency.
Your “sense of urgency” will have you doing things to push her away rather than bring her closer.
She feels like you’re playing a game with her.
She’s feeling manipulated. ( Unfortunately none of which might completely scare her away. I’ve seen way too many men and women “hook up” under these kind of circumstances.)
Your biggest mistake wasn’t asking her to be your “number one” girl. It was inappropriate and probably timed badly but since the attraction is there, you kissed, and you’ve been dating for a little while, it’s not the worst thing to do.
It wouldn’t kill your chances of being with her.
Her walls went up for different reasons.
The big mistake was kissing her and acting like it wasn’t a big deal.
You may have believed it was the “cool” or “Alpha” thing to do but as far as I’m concerned you couldn’t be further from the truth.
Kissing a woman is not normally a life changing event.
Being Alpha merely means not suddenly changing your entire life because you made out with a girl. It means not professing a false love after just because you’re in the moment.
There’s nothing “Beta” about texting her the next day something small and cute just to let her know it was enjoyable. It can even be, “My lips are still tingling.” and nothing more.
The second mistake was not contacting her for several days.
Maybe you thought it was the Alpha thing to do but an Alpha Male doesn’t put strict rules and regulations on things like that.
He has no set time table with regards to women.
The third mistake was pretending to act “cool” like her rejection wasn’t a big deal to you.
When in fact it amped up your sense of urgency, and as you stated, you’re the one who asked her to be your number one girl.
An Alpha male acts congruently from his words to his actions.
Any woman in her right mind is going to question your intentions after that.
The big problem I see here is that you’re treating her like she’s a game and you’ve misinterpreted what guys are taught about attraction.
That is why she put up those walls.
When you act inconsistent and unpredictable your intentions will always be questioned.
When you’re not “real” or genuine she’s less likely to trust you.
Sure she may have wanted to make you jealous by bringing her friend but I bet she brought him along because she didn’t trust you enough. (And yes of course she didn’t trust herself enough either. He was her guarantee not to get into it with you.)
I”m not going to lie to you and say you screwed it all up and she’ll never bother with you again. I’d be a fool to believe that.
As I mentioned earlier there’s probably a greater chance than you might believe that she’ll keep coming around. I see this kind of thing happen all too often because you’re both invested in an emotional connection with each other.
My advice for you would be to stop treating her like she has manual titled, “How to Get In My Pants – The Hard Way”
Stop “acting” all together and start being real with her.
That does NOT mean acting all girlie and becoming her wussy plaything which will only land you in her friend zone like the other guy.
She has already invested her time and emotions with you which means when you take away the games and the “blackberry updates” she’s more likely to start to trust you again.
Although those walls will be on high alert for a while and can easily pop up at seemingly the worst possible times for you.
There’s not a chance I’m going to tell you how to “bed her quickly.” It’s not what I’m about.
I will however direct you to my eliminate the friends zone quote which is something that if you practice consistently, along with a better understanding of what being Alpha can mean with regards to women and girlfriends, you’ll find very useful in dealing with problems like this.
Here it is:
“You must allow her to believe you are the best choice for her. She must understand the choice she is making is the right thing to do on her own terms and never yours.” – On Attraction, Being A Man, and Allowing Her To Feel Something For You”
In the end – I’d say you must be doing something right.
You did attract her, she did kiss you, she made an emotional connection to you, and you’re a guy…
Which means you DO have the ability to be a real Alpha Male because it’s already inside you.
There’s just more to it than acting cool and not contacting her for a few days when you think you screwed up or when you believe she’s acting clingy.
There’s more to it than understanding how her body is saying one thing and her words are telling you something different.
That just tells me she’s showing more restraint than you have and it’s giving giving her all the power.
Make sure you follow the links I’ve added on this page to help you find the real alpha guy inside you.
Thanks for writing and I do hope this has steered you in the right direction.