Everyone gets a label, don't they? He's THAT type. She's like THAT. They are all THIS or worse yet when it's done to ones self in the most pathetic way: "I can't help myself - I'm a type two personality." (Whatever the hell THAT is supposed to mean!)
I hate labeling people. I don't like stereotyping. I certainly don't care to CATEGORIZE anyone and no, it's not because I'm trying to be all PC or even the from the disgusting feeling inside when I feel like I've judged someone harshly or without thought.
It's not because I don't "prefer" to be judged myself. You think THAT would go without saying but it's out there... too late.
My belief is that people fit in so many categories making it very difficult to just narrow it down to one or even a few. Kind of similar to when someone asks me the stupid question, "What's your favorite...?" and I sneer back at them with the classic, "Please!" look on my face.
These labels are handed out way too easy and they're often given in a spur of the moment because of one act or action that could follow someone the rest of their lives.
In my world - If someone acted like a jerk, it doesn't make them a jerk. These things take time to develop and I say IF you want to be a REAL jerk, hey, at least keep it up and actually BE a jerk.
Just because someone does something stupid - doesn't make them dumb. In fact I believe anyone who can learn how to do anything outside their autonomic nervous system is actually using a part of their brain which PROVES they're not dumb or unable to learn something someone else might struggle with... making them the smartest in their "stupid?" field.
We ALL have done at least ONE CRAZY ASS thing in our life. Does that make us crazy or deserved to be labeled as a nut job? I think not. I used to hop trains for fun leaving me a foot away from a certain painful crushing death as the wheels would easily split me in two AND I'm not crazy - lame Big Bang Theory quote coming up, "My Mother had me tested."
There are thousands of labels out there to describe and categorize every living or now dead human that has walked the earth. So much it makes me wonder at times if the birth of language was actually created just because someone needed something to call someone else above and beyond just simply using their name. Yeah, that's a little too far-fetched even for me to believe.
These THINGS which are so prominently hung over our heads have given rise to some pretty upset people as they feel grossly misjudged and while there are many to cover... the one which is closely related to this blog is...
The NICE GUY.
It's a very strange and unique one.
When your best friend says, "Hey man, you're nice. I don't care what they say about you... thanks!" because you bought him a beer with your last five bucks, well you're okay with it. Good deed accomplished AND appreciated.
When some old lady squeezes your cheeks and says, "You're such a nice boy." You skip the being called a boy shit and smile. It makes you FEEL GOOD.
You're mostly okay, although slightly reserved, when you hand over a few dollars to some homeless man and your close pessimistic friend says, "You're too nice - you know he's not going to use it for food right."
How about when this weird and seemingly unconnected event takes place: (I'll explain the connection in a minute.)
You dart across your office space with a crumpled up piece of paper in your hand, fling your arm up for a sky hook, release the paper ball and it bounces off a cubicle wall, springs off the chair, gently lands on the desk and in excruciatingly slow motion the crumples open up which rolls it right in the intended target - the garbage.
AND your hot co-worker looks at you and utters one word, "Nice!"
You both go out for drinks that night. YOU buy the booze. SHE makes you look good. She motions for an early night as if she wants you to go somewhere WITH her and as you lean in for a kiss she pulls back and says,
"You're a NICE guy BUT...."
Suddenly the word changes all meaning and even thought you were called nice three times that week - this time it SUCKS. It hurts. It makes you angry.
That example happens a lot. Not the paper toss but the "You're such a nice guy... BUT..." (Although I'm sure you knew what I was talking about.)
It often happens much earlier in a man's life setting him up to live out some all too common things. An innocent label that changes EVERYTHING.
Here's what it did to me:
I began to despise or even HATE being called it and the women who said it to me.
It frustrated me because what's a guy supposed to do - NOT be nice anymore and see if that gets him anywhere.
I was being judged as nice and didn't like it so I passed on the resentment and anger on to others. I used it as an excuse for my failures.
My thought process became bitter as the beliefs I held true about being a nice guy became limiting and self-defeating as they connected to other parts of my life.
What - she would rather be unhappy and miserable dating someone who wasn't nice. What does that make her? Who in their right mind thinks that way. ALL women suck. Maybe they actually like to be disrespected and treated objectively.
It took some time but it turned me into (tell me if you know someone like this) a CLOSET MISOGYNIST.
All too nice to women on the outside and not necessarily hating them on the inside but I certainly HATED the choices they made. ALL of them. Not only the guys they chose but what I started to see as them having materialistic goals and/or social climbers who cared more about how others saw them or saw them with over finding any real true happiness.
It did something else which is often overlooked but it's a big one.
IF I was a nice guy - if that was my definition or label - it needs to fit on a scale and somehow it lacked clarity unless it was compared to something else.
To define myself meant I had to define another.
If I was the "nice guy" someone else had to be bad or worse than me.
Someone else had to be a jerk.
Someone else would have to be a player.
Someone else had to be the asshole.
So... Why not make it the very same men who treated women less than what I thought was appropriate? It only made sense.
After all, despite their actions of being what appeared beneath me, they managed to succeed where I would consistently failed only proving to me there actually WAS a scale and people could then be categorized and defined in a logical way.
Strange how a judgement passed on to me - one that was emotionally connected to in so many way could have that much of a drastic and negative on me.
But that was then...
My nice guy life turned out much different and has run its course to a better way AND to a guy who has grown to hate the labels or categories MORE than the men and women who I put there and who put me there too.
It wouldn't be so important or relevant it was just me - it's important because I know lots of other nice guys suffer the same fate and not all of them get through it the same way as me.
SO I have this now.
Wherever you put yourself, however you judge yourself, how others may see you from time to time, how others might label you because of something you've done or even publicly plan to do but never actually get there:
Just like me...
You're not a nice guy.
You're not a jerk.
You're not a loser.
You're not a player.
You're not some asshole bent on making everyone else inferior to your will.
You're NEVER nothing and you're NEVER it all. You're ALWAYS somewhere in between and being there means you can NEVER defined or restricted by someone else.
In the world of being a good guy and still succeeding with the women you set your eyes on, all you can really do is steer the broken ship and when the waters are relatively calm - patch it up the best you can.
If you think "she" is turning you down because you're nice - that does not make you a nice guy doomed to fail.
Just the same, if you believe "she" only goes for jerks instead of you, that does not make them jerks and it certainly does not make them better or worse than you.
Being rejected sucks. That I know.
Being turned down because you're "too nice" stabs at the very core of who you believe you are and it DOES feel unfair but nothing in here IS fair... nothing.
A label won't get you laid or land you a girlfriend or even increase your dating success with a woman of real substance.
Just the same, a label won't stop you from succeeding or take away from your choices either.
Here's something I do - maybe you can too:
I define myself in a non-judgmental way where my actions are not an extension of who I want to be - or what I want others to see - or what I was or how others saw me.
I never confine myself to a label or category and let others who might do so have it affect me so I spiral out like I did in the past.
I don't restrict myself to a confined and often suffocating container just because the box is neat and tidy and keeps things in "their" place.
The sum of all our actions might ultimately decide who we are but any reasonable "good" person doesn't seem to benefit much from deciding that fate or even trying to affect it positively.
Instead - and very specifically with regards to ANY nice guy who wishes to explore his attractiveness and sexuality in a healthy way which makes him feel good to wake up every single day despite what happened YESTERDAY...
It's NOT what or who you want to be.
It's NOT what you want others to see or hope they see in you.
It's NOT what others think they see in you.
It's HOW you see PAST and go BEYOND it all so they don't affect you personally.
Labels suck. Judging others or being judged yourself sucks even worse.
Nice guys will suffer with the duality or being called nice but it doesn't make you one thing or another - don't let it do to you what it did to me... it's just a word.
If you've been through or on my old path and you're looking for a way out - become a valuable paid member today and read this chapter IMMEDITAELY:
Get yourself into a positive mindset that will change it all for you and the women you so choose to date.
The next time a woman says, "You're such a nice guy but..." come back and let it out. I want to hear all about it.
Yours is a simple problem to overcome - attracting women - being or becoming an attractive man, that's easy stuff when you're NO LONGER A NICE GUY or forever categorized as one.
Definition - Misogynist (mi·sog·y·nist):
"A person who dislikes, despises, or is strongly prejudiced against women. (woman-hater, anti-feminist, male chauvinist, male supremacist, chauvinist, sexist)."