Hey could i get some advise? I am completely in love with this girl who has been my best friend for about a year. It started out with a sexual attraction, but i wanted to wait on anything because i want it to last longer than some stupid 3 month relationship. So i have never kissed her, but we flirt all the time still and there is some type of spark in the relationship that we both feel..but im afraid that i have gone too far into the friend zone. ive tried being distant from her but she always seems to reel me back in. I don’t know what to do. ive told her how i feel and i think she isnt sure how she feels about me as more than a best friend. i think that i need to go through the steps…but when do you know to stop playing the game and “go for it”..like every time ive gone for it i think its been a sort of a turn off because she always knows that i will be here and im here 100% of the time. so can i get some tips on how to play the game and how to know when the game has ended and go for it?
Of course I can give you some advice Joe…
First of all.
There are two kinds of games with regards to the social dynamics between men and women.
One is where the guy or girl tries to play the other to get a specific reaction.
The other is a give and take where both people involved are having fun. This is typically used to discover and connect with another person which may ultimately lead to a relationship of any kind.
I’m going to warn you.
If you’re using “the steps” to play the first game you better be prepared to accept that there’s going to be one winner and one loser because that’s how a competitive game works.
The second game never stops. Sure, sometimes it’s monotonous and boring but you have to suffer some downsides if you want to enjoy and value the better times more.
But it’s not a competition.
There’s no buzzer to tell us when to shoot.
There are no winners and losers in the “real game.”
Now that I’ve got that off my chest what about this,
“I’ve tried being distant from her but she always seems to reel me back in.”
I should not have to tell you trying or doing are two different things. You must obviously know this is a problem for you and if you can not get this handled there’s little hope the rest will fall in place.
I talk a little in my newsletter about men actually becoming a victim to her attraction. Which is what you are feeling the full effects of. You become “addicted,” not to her, but the all feelings you associate with being with or around her.
And if you have an addictive mind like I did, you’re going to find it very difficult to keep away from her.
Since I can not cover the entire concept here – my best advice to you, with regards to the victim mentality, is to find a way to turn your entire focus on yourself:
Start being selfish with your time. This is NOT about her. This is about YOU!
You don’t change how she feels about you.
You allow her to choose to want to be with you based on the emotions you inspire inside her. Which is never going to happen unless you first begin to gain a higher value of yourself.
Find a fun, positive social outlet where interaction with her is impossible. If you can not avoid giving yourself an easy way to respond to her – you’re going find it difficult to resist.
The best advice I can give you about “going for it” with her is simple – trust your intuition.
I have yet to meet many people who are not aware of those moments when the timing is perfect. However we all have at one time “over-thinked” a situation. We end up getting in our own way and in an instant we miss the opportunity.
I feel it’s best at this time to, when your value has gone up, let her make that first move.
It may not be a direct attack on you sexually, it may only be a look in your eyes, but she will give you all the signs you need to make it happen.
She already knows how you feel but if she begins to have any doubt whether the feeling is great enough for you to want to be with her you’ll notice her shift in attitude.
Women can find men very confusing so don’t get caught up in the trap of believing just because she knows how you feel means she knows what you want or how far you’re willing to go.
In other words, it’s okay that she knows you’re attracted to her – just don’t “sell” the relationship so far ahead. That will only makes her want to run and hide.
I know – you’re afraid if you make the move too early you’ll blow the entire thing. I know this because I used to believe it myself but I’ve learned something important…
You can make a thousand moves on a woman and she can refuse everyone last of them, but as long as you handle the failures with optimism, confidence, and retreat with charm you’re always better off than trying to act like you don’t want her.
Or playing a game with her.
Or resorting to friendship because it’s more comfortable.
It’s those types of games which will push you deeper into the friends zone.
Don’t confuse chasing a woman with being a man who is secure in his masculinity.
Don’t confuse “revealing your feelings” or “devoting your love” for showing a little balls when it comes to your desires.
Most women don’t end up with guys who do not in some way learn to embrace their masculine role.
The concept is simple and I give it for free in my Eliminate the Friends Zone Ebook.
- Distraction from her gives you a direction (and the time) to develop yourself separate from her.
- Attraction is about learning what attracts women. This where you find your mistakes and correct them. This is where you sort of study the commonalities of all women with regards to (social) attraction.
- Re-Introduction is about giving yourself back to the world (I didn’t say her) and solidifying the attractive personality you worked on developing. This is also where you must practice.
They work and they work naturally.
But for you I will tell you they work because you’ll finnally be able to distance yourself from her while at the same time you will build yourself to a point where you’ll never have to worry about when to make a move again.
Thanks for writing and keep this in mind when you feel frustrated or confused…
You’ve already established a connection with her, there’s already an attraction, so you’re half way there. Trust your intuition and stop worrying about when it’s the right time to make a move. If you do things right she will give you all the signs that she is ready.