A reader told me he was in love with his ex-girlfriends best friend and was looking for some advice.
A real problem arose because he mentioned he doesn’t like his ex at all, how they are best friends, and he’s not sure how to, in his words, “How to act with her or Talk or Meet up.”
Below you’ll find the advice I gave him and although it’s very specific to his life I believe…
You’ll learn a remarkable and clever way to deal with ALL women like an attractive Alpha Male would.
You can use this to become attractive to lots of different women and it’s as easy as following two simple rule for yourself.
This will become about acting maturely, creating better relationships, not being seen as a player, not ignoring the past, and not changing the game.
Here is what I wrote him…
In my Ebook I break down escaping the friends zone into three steps. They are Distraction, Attraction, and Introduction.
I believe you have no great problem in attracting women so this will be about distraction, ( Creating better relationships ) and introduction, ( What to do and how to act next. )
I’ve noticed you tried ignoring this new girl on Facebook. I also noticed you ignore your last girlfriend.
I firmly believe when you ignore any problem or use it as a solution to make life easier on you, does not change it or make it go away.
I’m not going to suggest you fix every problem and become stuck on believing you need to fix everything.
I will suggest your last relationship and how you’re handling it is a big stumbling block to being with this new girl.
“Vengeann” (another reader) mentioned playing the “I like someone else” card. I believe he was close but “playing” women is NOT always the best solution.
So instead of playing that game why not fix your relationship with your ex-girlfriend?
Again you’re letting someone else control how you act – “since she messed me up I’ll ignore her.” And no I’m not suggesting you get back with her.
The alternative is to maturely shake it off, understand that’s who she is, and unless she’s causing harm to you of messing with your livelihood, let her be whoever she wants to be.
You might believe you’re already doing that and in your ind it may be true, but women are not inside your mind and they will come to their own conclusions.
I’ve been in a situation where yes, the girl was pretty messed up and I wanted nothing to do with her as a girlfriend anymore.
But instead I’ve maintained a strong relationship with her and we even joke about the madness which was our past.
But that’s who I am. I don’t hold grudges.
The defined line I create in who I let in my life is not put far from those who are only acting as who they are.
I don’t let others control what makes me happy.
If a woman messes with my heart and I let it affect my happiness by ignoring her, I’m only ignoring my own happiness. I would rather face the issue and get past it. I used to ignore people the same way and I’ve found it affected ALL of my relationships with women.
Think about it this way.
The woman you really want knows about your last relationship and what happened when things went bad.
Why would she want to be ignored?
Why would she want to be your second bad relationship?
What’s stopping her from believing when things get tough, which they always do, you’re not going to just “clam up” and avoid communication with her.
Telling a woman you love them is not the communication women really want. They say they do but that’s only the tip of it.
To really communicate with women on a level which goes beyond average and separates you from other men, requires action consistent with your beliefs.
Consistency in all your thoughts, beliefs, and values…above and beyond words and deeds. There’s a distinct CONGRUENCE between who you appear to be and who you really are.
In case you’re wondering, YES…this is yet another way to perfectly encapsulate the elusive cure for “What Do I Do Next Syndrome” that plagues guys everywhere in their interactions with women.
When women run across a man and they begin to feel attracted to them and he instantly communicates he doesn’t take himself, his past, or everything around him too seriously, ( snd how he doesn’t feel the need to pour his heart out to her) because he assumes how he is acting is consistent with his words.
Please do not mistake this for giving her a dozen roses after you tell her you love her thinking that is being active, it’s not the same thing.
Now I could suggest what Vengeann mentioned. How you could actually use another woman and use it against her, and yes it might actually work. But I know that’s not what you want to do to a woman you love.
You’ve already touched on why this girl might not want to date you, and you are definitely onto something.
But there’s one important thing you may have overlooked.
You could be seen as a borderline player to her and there’s probably even a little testing on her part being done to you. (As for waiting or keeping you in the friends zone.)
Yes, women can hold back when they know they can have you at any time BUT they will also hold back waiting for a guy to show his real self before they get into a relationship.
If you play her with another woman you will fail the test and she will forever believe you’re a player.
Even IF your intentions or who you are is not even close to being a player.
Lots of women have called me a player.
One even turned me down reasoning I WAS a player but that’s only because every guy was a player to her until they proved themselves differently. And since I’m not into proving myself she eventually settled for less than what she really wanted.
And that was me.
Joshua, how do you solve a simple math problem which has a variable? You take the variable out of the equation and you put in on the end.
(2 + X = 12 —> 12 – 2 = X) (Okay, note to self no more math problems. 🙂 )
I know it sounds strange but I believe this also works in many situations in our lives.
You have the answer or the goal you’re looking to achieve.
You have yourself and who you are.
Now all you need to do is add something to the equation to reach your goal.
But then you end up with a question of what to add.
The simpler more elegant answer is to take her out of the equation.
It’s your relationships with ALL date-able women that needs to be dealt with.
So first develop something more than “ignoring” your last relationship.
You don’t have to seek her out or tell her why she’s so crazy.
You just need to set the tone that, the past is the past, it’s who you are and I won’t judge you or try to change you, or tell you how I believe you were so wrong. Don’t go there.
Just develop a stable lighthearted acquaintance with her.
If she over steps her bounds, step back and calmly let her know you won’t stand for that.
And then you start doing that with everyone. Even me. Haha!
It means handling the opinions, pressures, and attitudes of others with grace, and coming across as comfortable in your own skin. Even your body language communicates it… a confident man will literally, physically “lay back,” leaning back while keeping his body open and facing forward when conversing.
A confident “real man” also doesn’t obsess about what other people think or do.
The 4 Sure Signs Of Confidence That Women Look For – David DeAngelo
And now the big question I know you want answered well, because it’s exactly what you asked…
“How to act with her or Talk or Meet up”
The answers are simple and easier to do than you may have guessed. Because women are not looking for perfection or for a guy who never makes mistakes.
1. Just have fun. Lots of fun.
It’s obvious if you feel like telling her you love her again and want to do something to get her to like you’re not going to help your situation.
Instead when you feel like saying you love her opt for a little teasing, When she screws up – “Hmmm maybe you wouldn’t make a good wife.” with a sly smirk on your face.
But do it because you enjoy having fun with her.
Don’t be afraid to role play with her too as long as it’s not serious. Remember she wants a guy who doesn’t take things so seriously.
“So I saw this couple today and they named their child Sapphire. I hope you’re not going to try to give our first kid a name like that. I like..”
The point is NOT to “neg” her or disqualify her with the purpose of getting her to like you, save those games for someone else.
You do those things because you’re comfortable enough to deal with her decision and your life or happiness does not revolve around whether she chooses to see the real you or not.
2. Let her come to her own conclusions.
Allow her to experience life for herself by never projecting your goals onto her.
See her a couple times per week. Let her come to the conclusion on her own that she doesn’t want to see other men, and/or that she’d rather give up the ability to see other men in return for knowing that you won’t see other women.
How to Make Her Your Girlfriend – Love Systems
3. Don’t stop doing what attracts her or being the guy she is attracted to.
Don’t change the “game” because you don’t like the cards you’re dealt.
Don’t stop flirting with her because you’re afraid she might get the wrong idea.
You flirt with everyone and you’re not going to change that because of one woman who is not committed to you.
4. Act like you have everything under control. I suppose even if you don’t. Her, you, your ex, the whole drama this threesome could create does not affect you.
Remember when it comes to relationships great women look for emotional stability, strength, character, and confidence.
Sure you can seek advice on the side and even if you want to let it all out do it privately and only do it knowing it’s a limited event to help you move on.
5. Avoid meeting her where you have in the past.
Switch it up.
Avoid places she can drink.
Avoid letting her come over to dump her problems on you and to get a quick hug.
You’re a stand up guy and sure you’re there for your friends but you’re never a good friend if you let someone walk all over you.
And great friends understand if someone is continually using them as a crutch that it’s best to teach them to deal with their problems themselves.
This is a tough one and I’m sure you’ll struggle with,
“When do I act like a friend who would make a great boyfriend and when am I acting like too much of a friend.”
There’s no absolute answer here. Sometimes you just want to listen and that’s okay but refrain from giving advice. Which leads me to the last one…
6. Do not allow yourself to become her “Girlfriend“.
I have one girl who calls me on and off to bitch and whine about her life. If I’m not busy I answer the phone.
But she knows I’m not going to chase her down at five in the morning to solve her problem.
I’m not going to agree with her just because she’s upset.
I’m not going to turn my self into her “girlfriend” just because she’s hot and we fooled around a little.
I answer the phone because it’s who I am.
I’m still the guy she fell in love with but refuses to be with her.
I’m still the guy who doesn’t want to be her “girlfriend” because honestly, I’m not into the same things women are into.
We share a common bond of humor and it was an amazing experience when we met. If that were to change and I started acting like her other girlfriends I would be settling for less than who I am.
And she eventually would start “acting differently” around me.
Like she does around her girlfriends.
I like her because I get to always see the real her.