One rule of attraction implicitly states, when we chase those we are attracted to, they will run quicker than Forest Gump on steroids.
We are designed as humans to do one of two things when we are being chased: Fight or Flee. One of those two things will happen because when someone or something is coming after us… it can be a real and very frightening situation.
Not giving a woman space – smothering her – being needy and constantly seeking approval – unfortunately to a woman FEELS like she’s being chased.
Her reaction then will either be to FLEE or FIGHT. In the dating world fleeing is obvious, you’ll push her away and/or you’ll break up. Fight is something different but I’ve found when there’s little or no attraction – fighting usually means a nasty rejection because she can not take it anymore.
That explanation alone may not give you enough of a push to give a woman space so let’s continue.
My guess is one of several things are happening to you which caused you to search for an answer to your “space” problem. Maybe it’s one of these reasons listed below:
- You’re in a relationship and she’s tells you she needs her space. Now you’re wondering how to get her back.
- You’ve entered a few relationships and you got too close too quick which has caused the last breakup or possibly the few before it. You’re wondering how to stop this pattern from happening again.
- You don’t understand how giving a woman space can increase her feelings for you. It doesn’t make logical space to step away from her and it will work out for the better.
- You’re a nice guy who tends to get a little needy with women and you’re looking to erase that trait because it’s ruining or stopping your dating life entirely.
- You suffer from what is commonly called a “sense of urgency” when you first meet or interact with a girl. It feels like if you’re not constantly pushing it or doing something to be with her – she’ll wind up with another guy OR if you’re already involved with her, she’ll cheat on you.
(*Comment your personal reason below so we can make this a better experience for all of us.*)
We can start with the first one…
You’re in a relationship and she told you she needs some space.
Sorry to hear that and there are many reasons why this happens to a couple.
#1. You can get physical too quickly. Sleeping together after a meeting or two and the sex was so great, BOTH of you couldn’t get enough of it. But as always the case, one of you eventually backs away out of fear or realizing you’re letting your responsibilities take a back seat and it’s hurting your personal life.
In this case SPACE is a good (often advisable) thing because unfortunately too much chemistry and going non-stop like this is NOT a good start if you’re looking for a relationship. If you’re not looking for one – then space is even better because at some point it will turn into a relationship before either one of you are ready.
#2. It can become a case of instant boyfriend and girlfriend. This happens when you meet, spend lots of time together, and suddenly you’re a couple without either one of you actually saying they were committed to it. Making for an awkward situation. This differs from the first one because normally there’s little or no sex.
In this case SPACE again is a very good thing and must happen because without any clear indication or declaration that a commitment is agreed upon, you’ll soon start questioning what is happening taking away from the real fun part of being together.
If you’re the type of guy who finds himself in this situation even one time, it’s too often. If the right amount of space is not given early on OR there’s no clear indication or definition of what it happening – the relationship will tend to crumble and become something else.
Next example – very common for the nice guy and for women too…
#3. ONE of you becomes too needy and clingy after the initial spark which makes the other begin to feel smothered. Sometime soon one of you just snaps and screams at the other – “You need to give me my freaking space.”
Number 3 is a clear indication that SPACE must happen and it’s also a clear sign that you or her might be having security issues. You might become jealous easily. You might feel you’re always on the edge of losing your partner.
Take the time necessary to work on your personal issues of self-esteem and you will naturally create the right amount of space.
Did you notice there’s a few commonalities in all of them?
In reality they are ALL very similar and you can see one of two things are happening on your end.
#1: You showed her quickly you’re needy and/or clingy. You smothered her. You didn’t give enough space or time between the interactions. You acted from a place a scarcity. You felt like you had to have her now. You imagined another guy would come along and snatch her up if you didn’t act quickly.
#2. Too much chemistry too quickly. The fire burned hot and bright and the life you had before you met took a back seat. Whether it was all sex or just lots of dating and intimacy doesn’t matter. Your time together progressed so quickly you didn’t have any time to think about the consequences. Almost like you didn’t have any time to think about it making it feel like you lost control. Now you’re worried where it’s going and whether you made the right or wrong decision.
No matter which one happened to you there are clear solutions to this “space” problem and they are not all easy but let’s continue to the next one – because just like the last they are ALL connected.
Your last relationship or past experience with women ended badly because of this space issue – and you want to stop the pattern from happening again.
Good for you! The past is the past and now you’re ready to make some changes. Giving a woman the right amount of space is a good thing for you, and even better for the attraction.
Of course there’s a balance which is needed. Disappear for too long and she could move on. Especially if there wasn’t much attraction going on. Give her too little space and you’re back to the same old problem.
I’m going to tell you right away so you understand. I encounter lots of women seeking advice about men and one of the most common theme is always…
“Why did he disappear? Why does he seem hot and cold? Why does he ignore me? Why does it seem like he’s into me one minute and gone the next?”
You can see that IF there’s a considerable amount of attraction and interest and time invested it’s highly unlikely she’ll move on that quickly. Sure some will out of spite but we can not do anything about that, it’s HER decision.
The key component here is to: Give her a real reason to miss you (attraction and a little attention) and allow the space to happen naturally and the feelings will grow.
Here are some quick tips you can use:
- If this is a serious problem, STOP casually dating one woman at a time. Spread out the dates. When you meet a woman you like, find another quickly like her and spread it out.
- In your desperate times, when you feel like you have to contact her, go do something else to occupy your time. Make it a plan to stop it before it happens.
- If you know certain times or days are your weak point, be pro-active and turn off your phone or get away from it until those feelings disappear.
- Be busy, stay busy. Always fill your time up doing things you love without her and enjoy it.
- Restrict how often you or call this one to at least half or more than you have in the past.
- Weird but worked for me – START A JOURNAL. When you feel like talking to her or seeing her write it down. Keep writing until you get it all out of your system. This one worked amazingly well for me.
- When it’s “crunch” time and you just can not resists – IMMEDIATELY imagine every needy clingy woman you want nothing to do with and how they made you feel. Let those feelings seep in and you should snap out of it very easily.
- Keep telling yourself this: Sexual tension and attraction NEED space to happen. Anticipation is a good thing. It’s hard to miss something when it’s available 24/7.
Those tips work in a lot of situations. (If you came up with something on your own, help a fellow guy out and comment them below.)
Stopping the pattern from happening again can also be simply a matter of :
- Distraction. Doing other things you love which keep you busy which is physical and demanding and tires you out.
- Education. Keeping your mind occupied by learning something new. Find something which engages and preoccupies your mind leaving less room for thinking about anything else.
- Not investing so much time and effort into one woman. Spread it out. Don’t go all out on one woman. Find many to casually date.
Next up… for those of you who don’t believe giving a woman space is the smart or right thing to do… OR…
You don’t fully believe how giving a woman space can increase her feelings for you.
Imagine for a minute the most enjoyable thing you have in your life. It could be anything from food to gaming to binge watching to sadly so in some of my years – getting drunk with your family and friends.
Got something in your head? Cool.
Now imagine that’s ALL you have and you continually do it indefinitely. Hey I understand some of you might enjoy it. It would be fun for a while. BUT sooner or later the thrill is gone. Like a drug you’ll build up a tolerance for it and the enjoyment will disappear.
So what can you do to bring it back? Yep, you guessed it… TAKE A BREAK from it. Give it a rest. Allow some space and time between you and IT before you absolutely HATE doing it. (Because nothing sucks worse than turning something you love doing into something you hate doing.)
You know what ATTRACTION is, right? It’s a deep emotional trigger which happens all by itself. You can convince yourself or talk yourself into FEELING something (in reality). It’s an emotion which can be very addicting.
Which also means getting too much of it – sort of ruins it because you become used to it.
Now I’m not saying getting married or being in a relationship long-term the attraction will eventually disappear, it can happen, but you MUST ADMIT leering at a girl without ever touching her can make the attraction last a lot longer than being able to sleep with her whenever you want OR knowing you’ll be with her the rest of your life.
The same goes for women and you.
Giving her too much too quick can easily lessen the effect. With no room to grow it becomes stagnant. If she knows she can have it any time she wants, what’s the incentive to truly DESIRE it?
Attraction needs to build. It must gather momentum. It ebbs and flows according to where and when and how the stimulus or trigger is created.
If you want to create a real desire – start with attraction – give it some space and time – offer snippets or pieces as incentives – let the woman think about it a little – give her time to process the information…
AND that’s just ONE of the many reasons why giving a woman the right amount of space (while other things are firmly in place) is how you grow desire and attraction into something more.
The other reasons will be covered below… so onward…
You’re a nice guy who has been needy with women and you’re looking to erase that trait.
Being overly needy comes from a lot of places so we’ll only cover them lightly and I’ll do my best to keep it relative to giving a woman space.
NEEDY is a general WANT or NEED of attention, affection, approval, assurance, and love.
Since it shows up in many parts of our lives – if you’re needy with women you will be needy in other parts too like your job, your parents, your friends, (yes even) your pets; or any time or place where you feel like you’re missing something or could lose something.
The reasons why you’re needy are intertwined with many things and can be explained in many ways – but for today’s purpose alone, here are a few ways to show you WHERE it comes from:
You feel like you’re not good enough so you do things to try and prove it which has the opposite effect on women.
Some of the signs you are insecure are becoming easily jealous, the feeling you must be heard, over-confidence, bullying others, acting out loudly, demanding too much from yourself and others, and/or a general feeling that you can not or will not ever be good enough at anything. Which of course includes attracting women and being in a healthy relationship.
You’re afraid you’re going to lose something or someone so you do everything within your power to keep it up to and including power over someone or something.
Fear is a major motivator and destroyer of people whose lives are run by it. Don’t let it fool you, you’re not alone. EVERYONE is governed by fear unless they have a severe brain injury, the only difference is some are more controlled than others. Some channel or deal with their fears more productively than other.
Some of the signs are: You avoid any and all confrontations. You place it safe even if there’s no need to. You feel way too comfortable being complacent. You have a list of excuses which stops you from doing things.
Being needy is often a direct result or effect of having low self-esteem. Based on Nathaniel Branden’s work (prominent leader in the field) these are his six pillars:
- Living consciously: Paying attention to information and feedback about needs and goals… facing facts that might be uncomfortable or threatening… refusing to wander through life in a self-induced mental fog.
- Self-acceptance: Being willing to experience whatever we truly think, feel or do, even if we don’t always like it… facing our mistakes and learning from them.
- Self-responsibility: Establishing a sense of control over our lives by realizing we are responsible for our choices and actions at every level, the achievement of our goals, our happiness, and our values.
- Self-assertiveness: The willingness to express appropriately our thoughts, values and feelings… to stand up for ourselves… to speak and act from our deepest convictions.
- Living purposefully: Setting goals and working to achieve them, rather than living at the mercy of chance and outside forces… developing self-discipline.
- Integrity: The integration of our behavior with our ideals, convictions, standards and beliefs… acting in congruence with what we believe is right.
If you find yourself not living by those pillars to a certain extent (no one is perfect so be realistic about it) then you probably have low self-esteem.
The obvious solution (direction) you should be going to get past this “space” problem is to:
- Get past your insecurities.
- Remove any unnecessary fears.
- Build or develop your self-esteem.
These will directly affect your relationships with women BUT they don’t have to be worked on with regards to women. Either way, one will take care of the other AND all three will boost the other two at the same time. They’re connected in a way which can not be fully separated.
If you noticed confidence was not there. Good call. Although confidence is by far a major attractive trait to women, something every guy needs, it might not be directly related to giving her space as a goal. Plus confidence protects those items above. It’s a barrier. It’s how you handle your success and failures. It just does not fit here for the most part.
Next one please… and it’s a big one.
You suffer from what is commonly called a “sense of urgency” when you first meet or interact with a girl.
The last one (being needy) is most certainly connected to this one. (Again these things tend to overlap. One causes another while the other affects the first one and so on.)
However for “learning” purposes or a better understanding of these “space” issues you’re having with women this is separated for a few reasons but in this article, it’s because this is HUGE mistake guys make unknowingly and so it must be singled out.
Also because this is an area I’m an expert in because it was something I had to personally work so hard in my life to get past.
This is how it feels and tell me if you’re there, been there, or find yourself doing the same.
A sense of urgency is the feeling that if you don’t do something immediately with a woman, you’re going to lose her OR lose her to another guy.
It’s a major insecurity issue mixed with fear and combined with a low self-esteem making it a tough one to get past. Topped on that it’s so hard to see it’s happening becomes a big reason why you might find it difficult to give a woman enough space at the right time, in the right way.
The strange part or (pain in the ass part of this one) is that you feel compelled to do something (anything) to keep a girl, even before you have her, and yet it does nothing to help you actually meet women. Told you it sucks.
So it happens – your sense of urgency – like you’re going to lose her – like she’s going to end up with another guy if you are not constantly with her – doesn’t just magically appear for most. It’s creation generally happens based on one or more past experiences where you “thought” a chic was into you, then the next time you see her – she’s with another dude.
Another experience is when you feel like you’re doing all the work to get a girl and it seems to be going well, then you don’t see her for a short time, and she hooked up with some asshole or guy she “said” she didn’t want… making this a friends zone issue too.
I’m going to tell you upfront THIS reason alone could be why you’re pushing women away and your incessant need to stop it from happening makes it very difficult to stop doing and the pattern repeats. So the harder you try the worse it gets.
Listen, you’re going to lose some women, she’s going to get with some other dude, you could create some space and she never comes back – things happen for better or worse – but when you’re so focused on the outcome (trying so hard to keep her or get her) you can NOT do the necessary things to assure it’s less likely to happen. That is why it’s so difficult.
This is an area where you must understand what you have control of and do your best to only control that part. You can NOT and will NEVER fully control another persons actions or thoughts…
BUT you do have control over what YOU do and SAY which will make her going away less likely to happen. Actually do it masterfully and (again depending on who she is) you’ll either end up with a clingy needy woman who does it to you OR you’ll end up with a high quality woman who would NEVER cheat or leave you for another guy.
Out of everything you feel or whatever emotions are driving you NEVER forget this:
Women are not inanimate objects you can keep for yourself.
They have feelings and experience emotions at every level in their lives. They need space and the room to live their independent existence. They also need the space to determine if you are right choice for her.
Allow her to live her own life on her own terms.
Allow her to make her own mistakes.
Allow her to learn from those mistakes and if she doesn’t learn from them, allow her to try again.
You’re not here or there to FIX women. You’re not here or there to control her life in any way, shape, or form.
Giving a woman independence in every sense of that word assures you stand out above many guys who either blatantly or through passive-aggressive actions try to control her.
This all too common mistake lots of men make with women comes from a lack of understanding of how men and women communicate differently. It’s a subject too many guys avoid but by getting at least a quick course in it, can solve so many relationship issues.
PLUS while working up to a relationship, knowing the differences and how to communicate to women based on these differences makes a relationship more likely to happen. It paves the way while doing nothing more than learning how to listen and how to respond.
Here’s something quick I wrote for women which will give you the bare basics.
How Men and Women Communicate Differently
Men talk with a purpose like solving a problem or exchanging information.
Women talk to share feelings, increase intimacy, sharing and to solidify her connection with her partner or those around her.
Men (typically) have a clear idea or solution before they share which is why men go silent for periods of time as they think through the process and figure it all out on their own.
Women will prefer to talk it out and gather the information through the conversation rather than doing it inside their own heads. Sometimes if their partner won’t or can not listen, she may go to a friend or family member first.
He prioritizes and prefers efficiency.
She prefers to explore.
Guys will tend to think or believe that when you want to talk to him that you’re seeking advice and therefore will tend to push to a conclusion in the way he communicates. Which is always head-on, tackle the problem as quickly as possible.
You might now begin to see just by learning HOW to communicate to women you can make her at least FEEL like you’re giving her all the space she’ll ever need.
Communicating things the right way assures she feels empowered to make her own decisions thus the feelings of space.
Read this part again:
“Women will prefer to talk it out and gather the information through the conversation rather than doing it inside their own heads. Sometimes if their partner won’t or can not listen, she may go to a friend or family member first.
He prioritizes and prefers efficiency.
She prefers to explore.”
Communicating to a woman which will make her feel like she has all the independence and freedom she’ll ever need (a sense of space) means you must:
- LISTEN to every word she says while not backing into your mind trying to look for a solution for her.
- AFFIRM what she’s saying with things like, “That sucks.”, “Sorry it happened.” and/or “I hear you.”
- REPEAT BACK what you hear and NOTHING more unless asked directly to do so.
Sure it’s a quick course. It’s not all of the skills you need to create a long-lasting relationship based on the right kind of communication skills but I guarantee doing those three things alone EVERY time – will assure you will give her every sense of space a woman might only need to never want to leave or go with some other dude.
This is a skill and therefore it IS something you can learn.
Read the quote below and keep in mind this is coming from a MASTER of this dating/attraction/relationship stuff who at one point also suffered from this space problem and had to overcome his “sense of urgency” in his life just like you and I.
“Suddenly, I felt like I couldn’t get enough of being around this woman. She knew how to support and understand me… including all of my hopes and dreams… like no one else could.
All I wanted to do was be with her, share with her, and learn from her. Most of all, I only felt HAPPY when I was with her.
…It takes something totally different to make “the one” fall for you and want a relationship… a whole NEW set of concepts, mindsets, tools, and techniques than it takes to just meet women and get dates.
A step-by-step guide to becoming a “more evolved” man… the ONLY kind of man who can effortlessly make a great woman PURSUE a relationship with him.”
I’ve reviewed and/or checked out tons of “relationship” “communication” style of help and since not many of them were related to attracting women and what not – this ONE stands mikes above the rest for guys because it IS for guys and you’ll find within it EVERY skill you’ll every need to get over this space problem.
(That is an affiliated link and will earn me a commission if and when you buy and keep it so it helps us both.)
Okay back to our regularly scheduled program… give the woman you are attracted to… SPACE!
A ton of information has been covered today. I do hope I’ve covered some of your personal experiences and over-delivered what you expected AND you’ve found some useful tips to give you more than every reason to give a woman the right space needed so good or better things can happen for both of you.
Make sure you sign up below for more great stuff.
Keep in mind these points before you go:
Not giving her space will make it feel like she’s being chased and will want to run. Chasing a woman must be done right and with care. It’s good to pursue in a way – BAD to chase.
Relationships need time and space to grow. Anticipation is a good thing. Having someone miss you can also be a good thing. Don’t ever be afraid of creating it naturally. Don’t ever act out of fear or a sense of urgency.
Practice and repeat ALL the tips above to separate you from her and to stop you from contacting her when it’s not necessary or could hurt things. They were DISTRACT, EDUCATE, and avoid OVER-INVESTING.
Space can be a good healthy thing when done the right way at the right time. Understand why it’s good and WHEN it’s good. Avoid dumb game playing or bullshit moves.
Understand where your space issues might be coming from: Fear, insecurity, low self-esteem AND that these problems can be fixed.
They are internal struggles so they are in YOUR CONTROL to fix or mend them. They are connected to so working on one helps the other.
The two absolute BEST advancements you can make in this area are through one of these two programs designed specifically for you and your relationships with women:
- DEEP INNER GAME – “Annihilate Your Crippling Insecurity, Anxiety And Fear To Transform Into The Powerful, Confident, Attractive Man All Women Want.”
- ULTIMATE INNER GAME – “The Secrets to Build BULLETPROOF Self-Confidence & Emotional Self-Control…”
“Women are not inanimate objects you can keep for yourself. They have feelings and experience emotions at every level in their lives. They need space and the room to live their independent existence.
They also need the space to determine if you are right choice for her. Allow her to live her own life on her own terms. Allow her to make her own mistakes. Allow her to learn from those mistakes and if she doesn’t learn from them, allow her to try again.
You’re not here or there to FIX women. You’re not here or there to control her life in any way, shape, or form.”
Understand or comes to terms with your sense of urgency issues. Do what you can to control those urges. Life will not always work out in your favor. Sometimes bad things happen. However trying to control things beyond your control will make it more likely to happen while the opposite is true.
Communication is a skill and communicating to women a certain way can GIVE her the sense of space and freedom and sometimes, it’s all she needs to continue forward and to never step back and say, “Leave me alone. I think we just take a break. I just need some space!”
A one stop guidance in this area in a direct way of learning those communication skills (related to women and life too) it all starts here in LOVE THE FINAL CHAPTER. One amazing life changing course you’ll never regret picking up. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Thanks so much for stopping by – sign up below – leave some comments and stories – offer some personal experience advice – do whatever it takes to get the all too inherent nice guy problem of giving a woman space handled and under control.
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Download all the tips in a handy .pdf file. 70 mostly newly written pages designed for the nice guy to help you become a more attractive man OR browse the older ones below:
2. Women Flirt – What It Means and Why
3. First Move – Make Sure You Make It
4. Disqualify – Don’t Reject Yourself Before She Does
5. Pity Date – Never Ask For It and Display It
6. Buy Attraction – You can not Buy Her Affecation
7. Rejected – Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself
8. Agree Beliefs – Have Your Own Beliefs
9. Learn Funny – Humor Done the Attractive Way
10. Tease – Never Stop Doing It
11. Learn Flirt – Flirting Is an Essential Skill
12. Like Me – Never Ask A Woman This
13. Women Want – What She Says – What She Wants
14. Friend Zone – You Just Might Be In It
15. Body Language – Important Sexual Tool
16. Live Life – Living Your Own Life
17. Blame – STOP Blaming Women and Others
18. Space – Give Her What She Needs
19. Confidence – The Most Attractive Trait
20. Invest – Keep Moving Forward