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How & Why You Must Give The Women You Are Attracted To… Space

One rule of attraction implicitly states, when we chase those we are attracted to, they will run quicker than Forest Gump on steroids.

We are designed as humans to do one of two things when we are being chased: Fight or Flee. One of those two things will happen because when someone or something is coming after us… it can be a real and very frightening situation.

Not giving a woman space – smothering her – being needy and constantly seeking approval – unfortunately to a woman FEELS like she’s being chased.

Her reaction then will either be to FLEE or FIGHT. In the dating world fleeing is obvious, you’ll push her away and/or you’ll break up. Fight is something different but I’ve found when there’s little or no attraction – fighting usually means a nasty rejection because she can not take it anymore.

That explanation alone may not give you enough of a push to give a woman space so let’s continue.

My guess is one of several things are happening to you which caused you to search for an answer to your “space” problem. Maybe it’s one of these reasons listed below:

  • You’re in a relationship and she’s tells you she needs her space. Now you’re wondering how to get her back.
  • You’ve entered a few relationships and you got too close too quick which has caused the last breakup or possibly the few before it. You’re wondering how to stop this pattern from happening again.
  • You don’t understand how giving a woman space can increase her feelings for you. It doesn’t make logical space to step away from her and it will work out for the better.
  • You’re a nice guy who tends to get a little needy with women and you’re looking to erase that trait because it’s ruining or stopping your dating life entirely.
  • You suffer from what is commonly called a “sense of urgency” when you first meet or interact with a girl. It feels like if you’re not constantly pushing it or doing something to be with her – she’ll wind up with another guy OR if you’re already involved with her, she’ll cheat on you.

I’ll start with the first one…

You’re in a relationship and she told you she needs some space.

Woman Asking Space

Sorry to hear that and there are many reasons why this happens to a couple.

#1. You can get physical too quickly.

Sleeping together after a meeting or two and the sex was so great, BOTH of you couldn’t get enough of it.

But as always the case, one of you eventually backs away out of fear or realizing you’re letting your responsibilities take a back seat and it’s hurting your personal life.

In this case SPACE is a good (often advisable) thing because unfortunately too much chemistry and going non-stop like this is NOT a good start if you’re looking for a relationship.

If you’re not looking for one – then space is even better because at some point it will turn into a relationship before either one of you are ready.

#2. It can become a case of instant boyfriend and girlfriend.

This happens when you meet, spend lots of time together, and suddenly you’re a couple without either one of you actually saying they were committed to it. Making for an awkward situation.

This differs from the first one because normally there’s little or no sex.

In this case SPACE again is a very good thing and must happen because without any clear indication or declaration that a commitment is agreed upon, you’ll soon start questioning what is happening taking away from the real fun part of being together.

If you’re the type of guy who finds himself in this situation even one time, it’s too often. If the right amount of space is not given early on OR there’s no clear indication or definition of what it happening – the relationship will tend to crumble and become something else.

Next example – very common for the nice guy and for women too…

#3.  ONE of you becomes too needy and clingy after the initial spark which makes the other begin to feel smothered.

Sometime soon one of you just snaps and screams at the other – “You need to give me my freaking space.”

Number 3 is a clear indication that SPACE must happen and it’s also a clear sign that you or her might be having security issues. You might become jealous easily. You might feel you’re always on the edge of losing your partner.

Take the time necessary to work on your personal issues of self-esteem and you will naturally create the right amount of space.

Did you notice there’s a few commonalities in all of them?

In reality they are ALL very similar and you can see one of two things are happening on your end.

#1: You showed her quickly you’re needy and/or clingy.

You smothered her.

You didn’t give enough space or time between the interactions. You acted from a place a scarcity.

You felt like you had to have her now.

You imagined another guy would come along and snatch her up if you didn’t act quickly.


#2. Too much chemistry too quickly.

The fire burned hot and bright and the life you had before you met took a back seat.

Whether it was all sex or just lots of dating and intimacy doesn’t matter.

Your time together progressed so quickly you didn’t have any time to think about the consequences.

Almost like you didn’t have any time to think about it making it feel like you lost control AND now you’re worried where it’s going and whether you made the right or wrong decision.

No matter which one happened to you there are clear solutions to this “space” problem and they are not all easy but let’s continue to the next one – because just like the last they are ALL connected.

Your last relationship or past experience with women ended badly because of this space issue – and you want to stop the pattern from happening again.

Woman Yelling Guy Bad Relationship

Good for you! The past is the past and now you’re ready to make some changes. Giving a woman the right amount of space is a good thing for you, and even better for the attraction.

Of course there’s a balance which is needed. Disappear for too long and she could move on. Especially if there wasn’t much attraction going on. Give her too little space and you’re back to the same old problem.

I’m going to tell you right away so you understand. I encounter lots of women seeking advice about men and one of the most common theme is always…

“Why did he disappear? Why does he seem hot and cold? Why does he ignore me? Why does it seem like he’s into me one minute and gone the next?”

You can see that IF there’s a considerable amount of attraction and interest and time invested it’s highly unlikely she’ll move on from that quickly. Sure some will out of spite but you can not do anything about that case, it’s HER decision.

The key component here is to:

Give her a real reason to miss you (attraction and a little attention) and allow the space to happen naturally and the feelings will grow. 

Here are some quick tips you can use:

  • If this is a serious problem, STOP casually dating one woman at a time. Spread out the dates. When you meet a woman you like, find another quickly like her and spread it out.
  • In your desperate times, when you feel like you have to contact her, go do something else to occupy your time. Make it a plan to stop it before it happens.
  • If you know certain times or days are your weak point, be pro-active and turn off your phone or get away from it until those feelings disappear.
  • Be busy, stay busy. Always fill your time up doing things you love without her and enjoy it.
  • Restrict how often you or call this one to at least half or more than you have in the past.
  • Weird but worked for me – START A JOURNAL. When you feel like talking to her or seeing her write it down. Keep writing until you get it all out of your system. This one worked amazingly well for me.
  • When it’s “crunch” time and you just can not resists – IMMEDIATELY imagine every needy clingy woman you want nothing to do with and how they made you feel. Let those feelings seep in and you should snap out of it very easily.
  • Keep telling yourself this: Sexual tension and attraction NEED space to happen. Anticipation is a good thing. It’s hard to miss something when it’s available 24/7.

Those tips work in a lot of situations. (If you came up with something on your own, help a fellow guy out and comment them below.)

Stopping the pattern from happening again can also be simply a matter of :

  • Distraction.  Doing other things you love which keep you busy which is physical and demanding and tires you out.
  • Education. Keeping your mind occupied by learning something new. Find something which engages and preoccupies your mind leaving less room for thinking about anything else.
  • Not investing so much time and effort into one woman. Spread it out. Don’t go all out on one woman. Find many to casually date.

Next up… for those of you who don’t believe giving a woman space is the smart or right thing to do… OR…

You don’t fully believe how giving a woman space can increase her feelings for you.

Woman Feeling Attracted Stare Learn

Imagine for a minute the most enjoyable thing you have in your life. It could be anything from food to gaming to binge watching to sadly so in some of my years – getting drunk with your family and friends.

Got something in your head? Cool.

Now imagine that’s ALL you have and you continually do it indefinitely. Hey I understand some of you might enjoy it. It would be fun for a while. BUT  sooner or later the thrill is gone. Like a drug you’ll build up a tolerance for it and the enjoyment will disappear.

So what can you do to bring it back? Yep, you guessed it… TAKE A BREAK from it. Give it a rest. Allow some space and time between you and IT before you absolutely HATE doing it. (Because nothing sucks worse than turning something you love doing into something you hate doing.)

You know what ATTRACTION is, right? It’s a deep emotional trigger which happens all by itself. You can convince yourself or talk yourself into FEELING something (in reality). It’s an emotion which can be very addicting.

Which also means getting too much of it sort of ruins it because you become accustomed to it.

Now I’m not saying getting married or being in a relationship long-term the attraction will eventually disappear, it can happen, but you MUST ADMIT leering at a girl without ever touching her can make the attraction last a lot longer than being able to sleep with her whenever you want OR knowing you’ll be with her the rest of your life.

The same goes for women and you.

Giving her too much too quick can easily lessen the effect.

With no room to grow it becomes stagnant. If she knows she can have it any time she wants, what’s the incentive to truly DESIRE it?

Attraction needs to build. It must gather momentum. It ebbs and flows according to where and when and how the stimulus or trigger is created.

If you want to create a real desire – start with attraction – give it some space and time – offer snippets or pieces as incentives – let the woman think about it a little – give her time to process the information…

AND that’s just ONE of the many reasons why giving a woman the right amount of space (while other things are firmly in place) is how you grow desire and attraction into something more.

The other reasons will be covered below… so onward…

You’re a nice guy who has been needy with women and you’re looking to erase that trait.

Needy Guy Space Issues

Being overly needy comes from a lot of places so we’ll only cover them lightly and I’ll do my best to keep  it relative to giving a woman space.

NEEDY is a general WANT or NEED of attention, affection, approval, assurance, and love. 

Since it shows up in many parts of our lives – if you’re needy with women you will be needy in other parts too like your job, your parents, your friends, (yes even) your pets; or any time or place where you feel like you’re missing something or could lose something.

The reasons why you’re needy are intertwined with many things and can be explained in many ways – but for today’s purpose alone, here are a few ways to show you WHERE it comes from:


You feel like you’re not good enough so you do things to try and prove it which has the opposite effect on women.

Some of the signs you are insecure are becoming easily jealous, the feeling you must be heard, over-confidence, bullying others, acting out loudly, demanding too much from yourself and others, and/or a general feeling that you can not or will not ever be good enough at anything. Which of course includes attracting women and being in a healthy relationship.


You’re afraid you’re going to lose something or someone so you do everything within your power to keep it up to and including power over someone or something.

Fear is a major motivator and destroyer of people whose lives are run by it. Don’t let it fool you, you’re not alone. EVERYONE is governed by fear unless they have a severe brain injury, the only difference is some are more controlled than others. Some channel or deal with their fears more productively than other.

Some of the signs are: You avoid any and all confrontations. You place it safe even if there’s no need to. You feel way too comfortable being complacent. You have a list of excuses which stops you from doing things.

Low self-esteem.

Being needy is often a direct result or effect of having low self-esteem. Based on Nathaniel Branden’s work (prominent leader in the field) these are his six pillars:

  • Living consciously: Paying attention to information and feedback about needs and goals… facing facts that might be uncomfortable or threatening… refusing to wander through life in a self-induced mental fog.
  • Self-acceptance: Being willing to experience whatever we truly think, feel or do, even if we don’t always like it… facing our mistakes and learning from them.
  • Self-responsibility: Establishing a sense of control over our lives by realizing we are responsible for our choices and actions at every level, the achievement of our goals, our happiness, and our values.
  • Self-assertiveness: The willingness to express appropriately our thoughts, values and feelings… to stand up for ourselves… to speak and act from our deepest convictions.
  • Living purposefully: Setting goals and working to achieve them, rather than living at the mercy of chance and outside forces… developing self-discipline.
  • Integrity: The integration of our behavior with our ideals, convictions, standards and beliefs… acting in congruence with what we believe is right.

From – The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

If you find yourself not living by those pillars to a certain extent (no one is perfect so be realistic about it) then you probably have low self-esteem.

The obvious solution (direction) you should be going to get past this “space” problem is to:

  • Get past your insecurities.
  • Remove any unnecessary fears.
  • Build or develop your self-esteem.

These will directly affect your relationships with women BUT they don’t have to be worked on with regards to women. Either way, one will take care of the other AND all three will boost the other two at the same time. They’re connected in a way which can not be fully separated.

If you noticed confidence was not there. Good call. Although confidence is by far a major attractive trait to women, (something every guy needs), it might not be directly related to giving her space as a goal.

Plus confidence protects those items above. It’s a barrier.

It’s how you handle your success and failures. It just does not fit here for the most part.

Next one please… and it’s a big one.

You suffer from what is commonly called a “sense of urgency” when you first meet or interact with a girl.

Man urgent Screaming at woman

The last one (being needy) is most certainly connected to this one. (Again these things tend to overlap. One causes another while the other affects the first one and so on.) 

However for “learning” purposes or a better understanding of these “space” issues you’re having with women this is separated for a few reasons but in this article, it’s because this is HUGE mistake guys make unknowingly and so it must be singled out.

Also because this is an area I’m an expert in because it was something I had to personally work so hard in my life to get past.

This is how it feels and tell me if you’re there, been there, or find yourself doing the same.

A sense of urgency is the feeling that if you don’t do something immediately with  a woman, you’re going to lose her OR lose her to another guy.

It’s a major insecurity issue mixed with fear and combined with a low self-esteem making it a tough one to get past. Topped on that it’s so hard to see it’s happening becomes a big reason why you might find it difficult to give a woman enough space at the right time, in the right way.

The strange part or (pain in the ass part of this one) is that you feel compelled to do something (anything) to keep a girl, even before you have her, and yet it does nothing to help you actually meet women. Told you it sucks.

So it happens – your sense of urgency – like you’re going to lose her – like she’s going to end up with another guy if you are not constantly with her – doesn’t just magically appear for most. It’s creation generally happens based on one or more past experiences where you “thought” a chic was into you, then the next time you see her – she’s with another dude.

Another experience is when you feel like you’re doing all the work to get a girl and it seems to be going well, then you don’t see her for a short time, and she hooked up with some asshole or guy she “said” she didn’t want… making this a friends zone issue too.

I’m going to tell you upfront THIS reason alone could be why you’re pushing women away and your incessant need to stop it from happening makes it very difficult to stop doing and the pattern repeats.

So the harder you try the worse it gets.

Listen, you’re going to lose some women, she’s going to get with some other dude, you could create some space and she never comes back – things happen for better or worse – but when you’re so focused on the outcome (trying so hard to keep her or get her) you can NOT do the necessary things to assure it’s less likely to happen. That is why it’s so difficult.

This is an area where you must understand what you have control of and do your best to only control that part.

You can NOT and will NEVER fully control another persons actions or thoughts…

BUT you do have control over what YOU do and SAY which will make her going away less likely to happen.

Actually do it masterfully and (again depending on who she is) you’ll either end up with a clingy needy woman who does it to you OR you’ll end up with a high quality woman who would NEVER cheat or leave you for another guy.

Make sure you read my Online Book – Chapter One The Real Secret to Attracting Women & Getting Laid No One Knows But Me because I go into great depth on how all that happens PLUS the control you do have in her attraction process.


Out of everything you feel or whatever emotions are driving you NEVER forget this:

Women are not inanimate objects you can keep for yourself.

They have feelings and experience emotions at every level in their lives. They need space and the room to live their independent existence. They also need the space to determine if you are right choice for her.

Allow her to live her own life on her own terms.

Allow her to make her own mistakes.

Allow her to learn from those mistakes and if she doesn’t learn from them, allow her to try again.

You’re not here or there to FIX women. You’re not here or there to control her life in any way, shape, or form.

Giving a woman independence in every sense of that word assures you stand out above many guys who either blatantly or through passive-aggressive actions try to control her.

This all too common mistake lots of men make with women which comes from a lack of understanding of how men and women DO communicate differently.

It’s a subject too many guys avoid but by getting at least a quick course in it, can solve so many relationship issues including this “space” one.

PLUS while working UP to a relationship, knowing the differences and how to communicate to women based on these differences makes a relationship more likely to happen. It paves the way while doing nothing more than learning how to listen and how to respond.

Here’s something I wrote for women which will give you the bare basics.

How Men and Women Communicate Differently

Men talk with a purpose like solving a problem or exchanging information.

Women talk to share feelings, increase intimacy, sharing and to solidify her connection with her partner or those around her.

Men (typically) have a clear idea or solution before they share which is why men go silent for periods of time as they think through the process and figure it all out on their own.

Women will prefer to talk it out and gather the information through the conversation rather than doing it inside their own heads. Sometimes if their partner won’t or can not listen, she may go to a friend or family member first.

He prioritizes and prefers efficiency.

She prefers to explore.

Guys will tend to think or believe that when you want to talk to him that you’re seeking advice and therefore will tend to push to a conclusion in the way he communicates. Which is always head-on, tackle the problem as quickly as possible.

From the Chapter – His Silence Might Be A Bad Sign Causing A Breakdown Of Communication.

In the book: Why Men Go Silent, Ignore You, Refuse or Won’t Share Their Feelings

By learning HOW to communicate to women you can make her at least FEEL like you’re giving her all the space she’ll ever need. Which is all that needs to happen, right?

Space is relative and how much is needed changes from woman to woman and from situation to circumstance therefore it’s easier to just focus on making her FEEL like she’s getting all the space she needs,

Communicating things the right way assures she feels empowered to make her own decisions thus the feelings of space.

Read this part again:

“Women will prefer to talk it out and gather the information through the conversation rather than doing it inside their own heads. Sometimes if their partner won’t or can not listen, she may go to a friend or family member first.

He prioritizes and prefers efficiency.

She prefers to explore.”

Communicating to a woman which will make her feel like she has all the independence and freedom she’ll ever need (a sense of space) means you must:

  • LISTEN to every word she says while not backing into your mind trying to look for a solution for her.
  • AFFIRM what she’s saying with things like, “That sucks.”, “Sorry it happened.” and/or “I hear you.”
  • REPEAT BACK what you hear and NOTHING more unless asked directly to do so.

Sure it’s a quick course. It’s not all of the skills you need to create a long-lasting relationship based on the right kind of communication skills but I guarantee doing those three things alone EVERY time – will assure that you  give her every sense of space a woman might only needs to never want to leave you or be with some other dude.

Here’s my chapter on forming natural relationships: The Final Step Of Getting A Girlfriend – Forming Natural Relationships.

This is a skill and therefore it IS something you can learn.

Read the quote below and keep in mind this is coming from a MASTER of  this dating/attraction/relationship stuff who at one point also suffered from this “space” problem and had to overcome his “sense of urgency” in his life just like you and I.

“Suddenly, I felt like I couldn’t get enough of being around this woman. She knew how to support and understand me… including all of my hopes and dreams… like no one else could.

All I wanted to do was be with her, share with her, and learn from her. Most of all, I only felt HAPPY when I was with her.

(…) It takes something totally different to make “the one” fall for you and want a relationship… a whole NEW set of concepts, mindsets, tools, and techniques than it takes to just meet women and get dates.

From Love The Final Chapter – By David DeAngelo.

Check out Love The Final Chapter for yourself.

What David is saying is that attracting women and getting dates requires a DIFFERENT set of skills and ones you wouldn’t use to find a relationship.

Here are two articles he wrote which will describe what he’s saying more clearly:

Okay back to our regularly scheduled program… give the woman you are attracted to… SPACE!

In conclusion…

A ton of information has been covered today. I do hope I’ve covered some of your personal experiences and over-delivered what you expected AND you’ve found some useful tips to give you more than every reason to give a woman the right space needed so good or better things can happen for both of you.

Here are the major points once again:

Not giving her space will make it feel like she’s being chased and she will run. Chasing a woman must be done right and with care. Think of it this way – It’s good to pursue … BAD to chase.

Relationships need time and space to grow. Anticipation is a good thing. Having someone miss you can also be a good thing. Don’t ever be afraid of creating it naturally. Don’t ever act out of fear or a sense of urgency.

Practice and repeat ALL the tips above to separate you from her and to stop you from contacting her when it’s not necessary or it could hurt things which will stop you from being together. They were DISTRACT, EDUCATE, and avoid OVER-INVESTING.

Space can be a good healthy thing when done the right way at the right time. Understand why it’s good and WHEN it’s good. Avoid dumb game playing or bullshit moves.

Understand where your space issues might be coming from: Fear, insecurity, low self-esteem AND that these problems can be fixed.

They are internal struggles so they are in YOUR CONTROL to fix or mend them. They are connected to so working on one helps the other.

David DeAngelo is my “go-to” guy when it comes lots of attraction techniques but he also excels at fixing your inner game and more often than not – this is an INNER GAME problem.

If this is a serious problem for you – you can FIX it and never have to worry about this space problem ever happening to you again.

The facts are:

  • Space will ALWAYS be needed to create deep attraction in a woman and is required to form a longer-lasting relationship naturally.
  • The root of your space issues are generally (but very typically) coming from a weak inner game but one that IS fixable.
  • You will never know exactly how much space to give to any specific  woman since each woman’s needs are a little different based on HER inner game, how this issue started, and where you’re at mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Solving this problem then becomes quite clear – FIX your inner game and it takes care of itself.

This means learning SELF-CONTROL.

“Master the inner demons like fear, anxiety, insecurity, and unpredictable emotions, you’ll see that your “outside” success with women and dating will improve BY ITSELF.

Deep Inner Game Will Reprogram You for Massive Success In Life And Love – No Matter How BAD You Feel Right Now, Or How Badly You’ve Been HURT In The Past.”

If  your space issue is an isolated incident then you won’t need a major inner game overhaul – this page will do it for you today BUT….

When you’re noticing this is a pattern in your life and it’s driving women away…

If it’s stopping you from enjoying dating AND killing every relationship before they even get started…

Them now is the perfect time to ELIMINATE the source of the problem by fixing your inner game once and for all and quickly too:

Click here for Deep Inner Game – Smash Through The Internal B.S. That’s Holding You Back From Success With Women – Fast And For Good.

ALL Women will respond more positively to you and will stop pushing you away.

You’ll gain a new respect from everyone you know and come in contact with which includes women who you’re having this space issue with.

The FACT is: Boosting your inner game SOLVES so many things in your life because it builds your confidence, boosts your self-esteem, and gives you the POWER and CONTROL over your life – which in turn makes giving a woman the right amount of space she needs – a natural side effect.

This is not something which is limited to “dating and attraction” – your inner game is EVERYTHING in your life from your career to your hobbies and passions to the relationships with your family and friends – it’s INVALUABLE and although David did put a price on it – you can be assured and guaranteed the benefits will be with you FOREVER.

It’s simple and easy to implement in your life and even easier to start going through it immediately.

Here’s the link again: Deep Inner Game.

If you’re a little hesitant or skeptical – don’t blame you and that’s a good thing because you’re not some pushover, right? Then get on David’s Newsletter by signing in here and let him tell you about it when he finds the time.

Moving on – I wanted to re-quote what I stated above because I don’t want you to forget it and it can get you thinking the next time this space issues pops up:

“Women are not inanimate objects you can keep for yourself.

They have feelings and experience emotions at every level in their lives.

They need space and the room to live their independent existence.

They also need the space to determine if you are right choice for her.

Allow her to live her own life on her own terms.

Allow her to make her own mistakes.

Allow her to learn from those mistakes and if she doesn’t learn from them, allow her to try again.

You’re not here or there to FIX women.

You’re not here or there to control her life in any way, shape, or form.”

Understand or comes to terms with your sense of urgency issues.

Do what you can to control those urges. Life will not always work out in your favor. Sometimes bad things happen. However trying to control things beyond your control will make it more likely to happen while the opposite is true.

Communication is a skill and communicating to women a certain way can GIVE her the sense of space and freedom and sometimes, it’s all she needs to continue forward and to never step back and say, “Leave me alone. I think we just take a break. I just need some space!”

Remember – giving her space is one thing but communicating to her in a certain way CAN make her feel like she’s getting all the space she needs to never back away from you.

IF you’re dating lots of women but it never goes further AND you DO want a real relationship BUT you keep screwing it up once she realizes you have space issues – then you MUST learn the different skill set that is required to make that happen.

As above – if it’s an isolated incident – it’s all good.

I wouldn’t bother pouring all your money into something you don’t feel you need because (although it will help in any future relationship) you’ll quickly experience “buyers remorse” because your HEART won’t be into doing what is asked of you.

However – if this IS a problem and you don’t have any clue on how to get into a REAL relationship with a woman so you just make it up as you go along which you must know has only lead to disastrous result…

The learn the different skill you need and invest in something that will pay off in the beginning and for the rest of your life.

Check it out right HERE – Love The Final Chapter. “Real Love Is Within YOUR Reach… Here’s Every Life-Changing Technique, Concept, And “Magic Secret” You Need To Find (And Keep) The Relationship Of Your Dreams With A “Total-10” Woman in Love The Final Chapter.”

Thanks so much for stopping by – sign up below – leave some comments and stories – offer some personal experience advice – do whatever it takes to get the all too inherent nice guy problem of giving a woman space handled and under control.


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About the author: Hey I’m Pete – (Peter White) – I run whydoguys.com for women and DiaLteG TM for guys like you. Simply put – I know WOMEN and what it’s going to take to get you the woman of your dreams. It’s a lot easier than you think – so stop thinking so much and start DOING what it takes because the answer you seek is right here.

Please LIKE or SHARE my Facebook fan pages: DiaLteG TM OR JOIN the best group on women at Why Do Chics…?. Find and follow me on Twitter – Peter White.

117 comments… add one
  • Daniel Martin

    Hey there,

    Great read on the article. I really enjoyed it and have learned quite a lot from reading a few times now.

    I have a dilemma just like many comments before and was hoping you could help me.

    Ok so i met this girl online and shes absolutely stunning and perfect in everyway.
    We met up a few weekends ago on Saturday and sunday and I asked her to be my gf to which she said yes (I now realise this was way to early). We spent 2 weeks together and then I got a text saying that she’s just not ready for a relationship with anyone and she’s very sorry.
    We still speak with each other and I did try to convince her to atleast meet up with me to discuss things over maybe I could change her mind as she said she’s still got feelings for me but shes not mentally prepared for it.
    So moving on I came across your article and this had made me realise where I’ve gone wrong but just wanted your advice and help to how I could try and atleast get her backcas I believe there is still a chance. I’ve not made contact with her since 2 days now as Im giving her her “space”
    What else would you suggest for me?

    Once again thank you for writing this article. Really has helped me understand so much more.

  • Cooper

    Hey man, that was really helpful. Me and this girl, have been super off & on, and its confusing, because one day it feels like we really like each other and the next she tells me that she misses me and all but she doesn’t want to be with me, and I think I do smother her cause I text her everyday and that can be the only explanation. I am only 17 years old, but I love this girl man, ever sense the moment we met. And a lot of people are telling me to give up and move on cause of how confusing it is, and i bet you if I texted her today I might have great day, and she might be cute with me, but i’m not because I need this cycle to end. I know these feelings are right, you have to take my word on that one. All her friends are telling me she’s confused and I know, and me texting her all the time probably isn’t helping. I see other girls in the meantime too, so it’s not to unhealthy, but any words to motivate me on giving her space man? I just know shes right and I cant explain that, I guess some people just know when they meet that person, and I know if I do give her space it will go great and I will have a great chance. Any words of support or comfort?

    • Cooper

      And maybe I should give you background. Last year, we had a thing but I cut it off because I was too overwhelmed. I regretted it because I knew I loved her and managed to get her back. plus I was only 15 when I met her, I couldnt handle the feelings. So I decided to to take her for granted and I treated her like a princess, and I loved her with all my heart and she did too for a while. Then, she did what I did last year… she left me due to confusion and things she must not be ready for. The irony is she is the same age as me when I did it (almost 16) and we are both a lot a like. I just want her back man, I love her so much and I just know she is right for me, she is my best friend and being with her never gets old.

      • Hey Cooper,

        Yeah, I know it feels confusing but it’s really not. You’re both at an age where things are a little messed up inside. That’s all. As you both begin to come “into your own” these things are bound to happen. Your situation is not confusing, it’s the emotional side-steps you’re both experiencing inside that makes it feel over-bearing or too much or beyond your control.

        With that in mind – stepping back to see the bigger picture can really help you out.

        Look at where you’re at in life. Where she is. Understand as things come together (life, happiness, direction, balance, etc…) so will the both of you IF you keep in touch AND not let this emotional pull towards her cause you to do some stupid stuff.

        Understand for both of you this is an internal struggle. That means by focusing on yourself, where you’re going, where you are, finding your passions away from her, enjoying life as it comes to you, finding your balance, and all that lovely stuff – that’s where you’ll find your answer. That’s when it will all come together.

        Uncertainty is also part of the problem. You’re not a 50 year old couple who know what’s coming.

        All I’m trying to say is when you both begin to feel less confused about YOURSELVES and more certain of what you want for YOURSELF (which does not include another person) everything else will take care of itself.

        Your separation does not mean you’re going to just suddenly stop loving each other (you know as well as I do that’s not going to happen). Sure you could grow apart over time. It’s a possibility.

        But if it’s not the connection, the space thing, or love that’s broke – there’s nothing to fix or trying to get back with her or fixing something that’s not broke tends to break it or make it worse – realize what needs to be taken care of, are the things I mentioned today.

        Allow her to find herself. Do the same for yourself. Keep in casual contact – feel free to share with her a little and be open to her too.

        Never forget this: each time you both get pulled into each other – where it feels confusing, this only delays the process of actually getting back together because when we put so much effort into someone else, we have nothing left for ourselves. And less focus on YOU delays growth and thus delays hers growth which in parts delays ever getting back together. Right? 🙂

        Don’t think of it as giving her space or time, think of it as giving her the opportunity to find herself or where she is or wants to be, while using the extra time to focus on the same things yourself and just maybe, you’ll find a good enough reason to remain focused and stay the course.

        AND without playing games or using some secret technique to win her back will GREATLY increase the chance of you two being a couple again – later.

        All the best to you Cooper,


        orbecause at such an early age, love tends to make it feel like we’re losing a part of ourselves without it when it’s the opposite (when you give up too much of yourself to another before you feel whole yourself, you’re left with less.)

  • Kevin

    Great write up and I left a comment because I could really sleep.. My fiancé and I were almost planning on getting marriage and then some arguments came along and she told me she needed time and don’t feel like getting into marriage now and she is still considering and giving us a chance when we would stay together soon enough (we were in long distance earlier). But at the same time she told me to give her time and make no contact for a week and let her think and have her own time to miss me as the recent arguments we had made my text and calls annoying to her. Just sharing but would like to see what you think about it

    • I think she’s right.

      I can not comment on what exactly happened because what led up to arguments is beyond my scope.

      BUT I can say when a woman says she needs time and or space – it’s usually best to make it happen.

      Hope it all works out for you,


  • Jackson

    Hey, this article was a great read and learned quite a bit from it.

    She rejected me before and told me she did have a interest in me, but lost it after knowing me too well. She feels too comfortable around me and thinks I am too nice. I have been behaving differently than I usually do around her since I didn’t have contact with other people for a long time.

    I told her I am going to be busy with school so I won’t be contacting her for a while. Did I make a mistake? Should I have just not told her anything and cut off contact with her? To make her miss me.

    Thanks in advance.

    • The thing is Jackson – she’s not going to miss you “that way” unless she’s already feeling something for you. Telling her wasn’t a mistake, the real mistake was made which led up to her saying she thinks you’re too nice and how she’s too comfortable around. What she probably meant to say was, “I’m not feeling attracted to you.”

      For a woman to miss you which will enhance or amplify the attraction – she must be feeling it enough for it to happen. If you’re close friends with you she might miss the friendship BUT that will not trigger the attraction. You’ve unfortunately already been put in the friends zone. To escape you must try my three steps and fully commit to them.


      All the best,


  • Alex

    Hi ….
    I’m in kind of an odd position …… After being divorced/single for 7 yrs I’d always said NO to relationships it was all just sex ….. Until recently when i got back in touch with an old school friend …..back in the day we were very close but I had no self confidence so nothing ever happened.

    She commented on some of the videos I’d posted on social media and we got chatting again….where I discovered she had been separated for 6 months…. I’m a big believer in fate ……..lots of things started happening and eventually I thought this is all for a reason …..so I asked her out (for lunch) and we went out and started to get to know each other again after 22 years apart……

    We began to text alot and I asked her on a proper date …..we went out and she missed the last train home by 7 hrs !!!! We had a great time and she ended the night by kissing ME …… I think it was to see how it felt……if she could do it …….or it could have been to shut me up !

    We begun texting even more BUT she told me she had thought (by my social media exploits) that I was a bit of a knob and although she knew she’d have a great night out I’d probably annoy her at some point ……… she also said how surprised she was that I’m NOT a knob and how much she enjoyed my company……that I had completely changed her opinion of me .

    We kept on texting and she’d had a tough time with her ex and kids so I left her some flowers a little bottle of wine and a cup cake on her windscreen …….she was really appreciative…….we agreed to go out again ……this time on her wedding anniversary ! ……I knew it could go either way …….but I charmed the pants off her (not literally) and we had another great night ……this time I kissed her and I could tell she wanted the kiss and ment it ……I have been the perfect gentleman……. she’s new to being single …….. I’m 7 yrs down the line …….we carried on texting and she gave me her entire schedule for dating …..she has mentioned that she isn’t girlfriend material at the moment and I’ve always said slow down ! Let’s just enjoy each others company……but I’m actually rareing to go ……..I would gladly fall head over heels in love with her …..that is the first time I’ve used that word in 7 yrs

    So I ask again for a date …….no reply but still lots of texting ……. I’m not going to push it again ……it’s her birthday coming up so I make a cake ……I know it sounds weird but it was for a reason…… Her son can’t eat gluten so I sourced all safe ingredients got her a nice bottle of Gin and gave it all to her sister to give her …..on Saturday I sent a text asking if she’d like to go out next weekend as a treat for her birthday ……. nothing all day ………I didn’t send one on the Sunday neither did she ……. I sent a message Monday saying Happy birthday ……..I got one back saying the cake and present were fantastic and a lot of thought had gone into them …… Nothing else ……..

    I’m absolutely gutted I think my taking it slow has still been too fast for her …… I’ve been in her position so I’m annoyed at myself …….I have apologised if I’ve pushed her and left it at that ……. I have other options to go for dates …… I’ve been accepted to go on TV dating show but it’s her I want …….I know I should hold my nerve but I’ve waited 27 yrs for my chance with her and If I’ve messed up I’ll be destroyed …….help me O B wan you’re my only hope !

  • Derek

    Hey I went out with a girl date went well we held hands and kissed then the next couple days I havnt heard from her and I made the mistake of texting her multiple times asking how she is and she is ok, she finally replied and said dude I was at work don’t blow my phone up I don’t like that and I told her those were not my intentions I’m sorry and don’t mean to bother you at work. And she said why wouldn’t I be ok, she told me her car was breaking down a lot, and I told her that and was just making sure she was okay, she said she was fine and I told her I apologise again and hope she has a good day that I will talk to her later. What should I do now?

    • Hey Derek,

      I understand how tough it is to make these decisions early on – You want to show her you’re the type of guy who can be there for her, how you can care, how you’re not some jerk, etc… AND I understand how difficult it is (early on) to show her you’re a good guy without doing the things you BELIEVE will show her BUT…

      Never forget – You should NEVER have to prove to any woman or person that you’re a good guy. It often feels like “proving” something to women overrides our actions and causes us to act needy and at times, desperate. Which as you found out, can push a woman away very quickly and leave her pissed off.

      Read this article I wrote for more on just being a good and how women will get that without having to overstep those early boundaries. I’m hoping it will also keep you from making the same mistake with her from now on.


      Now… What I’d like you to do is to:

      1. Forget about it. It’s no big deal. It happened. Now you know.
      2. Women are VERY forgiving. They might not have a short memory but they’re almost always willing to overlook some early mistakes with a guy they’re deeply attracted to which lead us to…
      3. Remain focused on amplifying attraction. Don’t allow yourself or believe you have to make it up to her because doing that or apologizing more than once or feeling like you must do more because of it will only lessen how she feels.
      4. Do as this page suggests… give her space. You can’t change the past so don’t try to. It’s as simple as that as long as #3 is being taken care of the right way. The attraction is already there (based on what you told me).


  • Abhishek Wakaley

    Hello all,
    I am a 23 year old guy, I had posted a question here a year before from now. Now I am in a worst problem that that, i got replies nd I didn’t follow them, i did what I felt was right. but i was very wrong.

    There is a girl whom I love, she was my best friend. 2 years back we met, everything went very nice. we used to talk daily, we had a very good chemistry.
    but then slowly i started liking her, which turned into love, which i haven’t told her untill now, but she has a hint. as we progressed things started getting bad because of me. I was overreacting, was being possessive, she said she doesn’t have that level of feelings for me, yet i continued to be an asshole. my intention was just to keep things as they were. i feared that she would treat me not as a close person. but after every chance that i got to make it right after every thinkg that i fuc*ed up, we dont talk. nd now she won’t reply.
    nd my life has come to a point that should i live or not. who can be as stupid as me. i lost a very precious person. ppl who help me say that i am not normal, they say I ruined it. but i was just trying to make it right. in a wrong way. 🙁 now again my life has kind of came to a fullstop. I have my studies it is affecting my health. I want to kno should I wait for her nd talk normally, (after how many months or years will it take i dnt kno) but I am ready to wait. many of you will tell me to move on get some another girl. but i don’t want to move on.. nd after feeling so guilty i also don’t want to go to any other girl. I have lost it all.

  • Jay

    Hello, Peter
    Normally I’ve never had any problems when figuring girls out…I met this one girl in January this year and we started talking. After about a week if talking she invited me to come with her to a party. I went we had a great time and continued talking throughout the week. The next week we hung out again and had a great time. After hanging out with her a couple of times I ask her if she wanted to play Top Golf and she said she would love to. So I checked in and said are you still good for top golf tonight and she replied back with: I am still stuck at work and have to do an online test. I said okay don’t worry about. She said I am really sorry. I said its okay. Then she invited me over to help her take her test and we went out for ice cream after. The following week I asked her what her schedule was like to see if we could hangout. She replied back with I am busy. I said okay maybe next week. So the weekend came and I wasn’t going to just sit around and do nothing that weekend so I decided to go back to my old college for homecoming and hangout with a bunch of my friends. That Saturday night she starts snap chatting me and saying pay attention to me with her captions. I said I will try to when I am out. Then she saw on my snap story that a girl had been hanging around me, even though it was my friend’s girlfriend and sends me a snap telling her to back off. I was like she’s drunk you have nothing to worry about. She started sending me upset looking pictures and then stopped responding to me. I text her you’re mad at me aren’t you? She said nope. I said you sure? She said yep, Goodnight Be safe. I text her the next morning and she was short with her text and seemed like she wanted nothing to do with me. I ended up calling her that night and asked her out on a date and she happily agreed to. I hung up the phone and five minutes later she text me saying you’re sweet. I said I try to be most of the time. Her response was I didn’t think that was going to happen after last night, I didn’t even think you liked me at all. I said no I totally like you. That following week she had been texting first all morning and everything seemed to be going great. Two days before our date she text me that night right before she got off work saying, “You’re going to hate me.” I said what’s up? Her response: I had to pick up an extra shift at work and can’t go on our date. I said cool don’t worry about it. Her response: I am so sorry I really wanted to go, but I need the money because I am really broke right now. (FYI, She is also a dual colligate athlete in season right now and has two jobs.) So I said no worries we will go some other time. She said she would like that. Plus it all worked out because I would have had to cancel because an issue at work came up and I wouldn’t have been able to go. So I thought maybe she is just blowing me off and I got advice from others and they said she might just actually be really busy. So the next week came and I had to cover an event where she lives and I said after I get off work lets go get some ice cream she said as long as its after nine when I get off and I said that’s perfect because I won’t be off til nine too. She responded with perfect. As nine approached she text me saying she was really hungry and I was running late at work so I said how about you go get the ice cream and I’ll pick us up some food. She said that would be great. So that night we had dinner and ice cream. We cuddled and I spent the night over at her place. Woke up the next morning she gave me a hug and we both went to work. She text once I got to saying I am sorry I made you late. I said its okay. Her next response was you’re sweet though. Just thought you should know. Later that day I asked her if she wanted to go see a movie that weekend and she said she was going to be out of town until Sunday. I said what about Sunday night when you come back and she said idk if I am coming back Sunday or Monday, but If I come back Sunday yeah we could do that. So I said cool cool. Her next reponse was You know what I really like… I said what? She said That you have spent the night a few times… you’ve never tried to make a move or anything. I said I have a lot of respect for you. Her response I really appreciate that. So I am over thinking well that must be a great thing and our relationship is getting better. So that week I had work out of town and we text and I told her oh this hotel placed chocolate kisses on my bed. Her response wtf? Tell them to back off. This isn’t the first time she has said things like this pretending to claim me when we are not even boyfriend and girlfriend. Its confusing to me and I don’t know if I am being played or not. We have been talking/hanging out for almost two months and I don’t really know what to do now. Does she really like me or am I being the side guy? Today is Sunday and I asked her last night if she was going to come back to see if we could go to the movies and she responded with nope and I said okay. I haven’t contacted her at all with any type of text or social media. Should I just give her some space the next couple of days and wait to see if she contacts me or what? I really like this girl and don’t want to lose her. Please give me some direction on what to do…

  • Alex

    Hi, I wanted to know if I can still fix my relationship or it’s over.
    We’ve been together for a year now , I know I love her and she loves me too. But I’ve only seen her once in 2 months. Before she used to text me and beg for my attention. Ik I did wrong but something’s I ignored her. But I realized it was wrong and I stopped ignoring her sometimes and gave her more attention. She loved me to death, I felt it. But during these 2 months I’ve seen her change , she stoppped begging for me, she didn’t seem the same, I know she ain’t cheating or that but I miss the old her. And we had an argument how she tells me she feels on a leash, but I just try to get her attention like she used to, I just want her to love me like before . Is it too late to fix things? She says she doesn’t know what’s happening, and she honestly can’t handle it anymore . But I don’t know why, I love her to death and I want her to be with me. I think she may not be thinking right, and she doesn’t know what to do so she’s taking the easy way. But im not ready to loose her. Is it over ? Or can we still fix things? I’m going to see her Saturday to discuss things, what can I do, or what can I say.
    Thank you

  • Jef

    I have been talking to this girl from abroad for almost 4months. Was introduced to her by a mutual friend and I have never met her but we have planned to. Okay so down to the story.

    We started off pretty well for the first 3months plus we were texting almost everyday, sending each other huge chunks of msges back and forth..slowly escalated to voice recordings and a few calls now and then. I had begun liking her and I could tell she had too. But one day she seemed distant and alittle cold with her replies..thought I might have said something wrong or bad. So I told her about what’s going and if everything is alright. She was going through a busy time with work so i kind of knew the reason. And she replied everything is fine and apologised for making me feel that she was being cold towards me. And mentioned that she tends to get cold and indifferent sometimes. I told her it’s totally cool and there are times you just need space. And then randomly she pops in the question of “what do you make of us talking..its been 3months right?” I give her a reply that things are going well between us and I enjoy talking to you etc etc..had more stuff to tell her so went on call.. And I actually decided to tell her how I felt about her. And she replied with similar feelings too but of course we decided it would be best to meet each other up first. Which was great.
    But right now again she is being distant and less responsive to texts. It’s pretty darn confusing. I have kept my msges to a minimum. more over I feel that we have been texting too much and maybe now she is bored or uninterested..not feeling the connection we had initially perhaps? I feel like since I disclosed my feelings first she is either not sure or she is trying to test me if I’m really into her and not faking stuff. I could ask her again what is up but I don’t wanna appear too needy or desperate. Should I ignore her short simple replies, play hard to get, or just be honest and address the white elephant in the room?

    Really looking forward to an advice. Pls help!

    • Hey Jef,

      I’m going to tell you right upfront that talking to a women you’ve never met for 3 to 4 months is way too long. It’s normally not a good start.

      Another thing which bothers me is that when things started going strangely and when you called her out for being distant, she asked “what do you think of us” and, after some time, you decided to reveal your “real” feelings for her. It might have felt random to you but to her, it was “always” on her mind because things were taking way too long AND you were not leading in a clear direction.

      Also, since I’ve done it in the past myself, when it feels like you’re losing a woman, your “go to” thing or last-ditch effort to keep her around is to reveal your feelings for her when it’s not the right time. Not necessarily the right time considering how long you’ve been talking but the wrong time because it happened “after” she pulled away.

      Chances are she being distant for several reasons – 1. Because she’s not into this long distance thing where you have yet to step up and go meet her. 2. She’s seeing other guys in the meantime. 3. She doesn’t think or believe you have any options or prospects close to you. 4. You have yet to create a real deeper attraction and/or it has decreased since the beginning.

      Now you could do exactly what she’s doing – become more distant – text her less – etc… but all that’s going to do is push you two further apart and eventually you’ll stop talking altogether. It’s very possible you’ll get one last message from her telling you she met someone close to home and how she’s sorry it didn’t work out.

      Listen, I’m not against meeting people from afar BUT I am against all this waiting and talking and hoping and planning without any real action from either one of you. Not only does it lessen her attraction, it delays what is absolutely necessary to move forward, AND it makes you look like you’re not willing to do what needs to be done. In other words, she’s not seeing a leader, she’s seeing a guy who keeps putting it off. When all that is happens she (of course) is going to ask “what is up?”but what she’s really saying “Why haven’t you done anything to meet up yet?” So instead of giving her a response she can work with, you try to delay it all by telling her how you really feel.

      Okay sure she wants to know if you’re real, or if your feelings are real BUT what she needs is ACTION from you. You can tell her all you want anything you want but without REAL action it’s doesn’t have much weight.

      My best advice is to forget about all this “she’s pulling away” stuff and focus more on 1. Creating and maintain a deeper level of attraction AND 2. Make a real effort to meet up. Obviously I don’t know your exact circumstance (in meeting up) but you have to real about it, if it can not happen for way too long then it might be a good time to step back yourself and look closer to your area. Trust me, keeping a real attraction and connection alive (long distance) is practically impossible when you can’t meet up within reasonable amounts of time.

      My second advice is more of a hint. Since I’ve been in your position, almost exactly, I’m guessing you don’t understand or get women as much as you could. Meaning, she might even feel you don’t get her, which is very important, women feel something amazing and unstoppable for guys who they feel “get them”. Also, whether this works out of not, THIS is your chance to remain positive and use this to get that part handled.

      Here’s some further reading I’ve recently been allowed to use and a program which could do you way more good than some quick advice and will ultimately solve this “space” problem once and for all.



      Program link for Becoming Mister Right and Understanding Women so she feels you do get her:

      Only if you feel that meeting women online is a must for you:

      Besides all that, remember to always continue to learn about attraction and how it works for women:

      Best of luck to you and thanks for stopping by and coming to me, I appreciate it,
      Your friend,

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