“Attracting higher quality dates whether you are a man or woman, will require a high level of self-esteem.“
- Your personality traits must instantly convey confidence and positive self-esteem.
- How you value yourself will determine whether your nice qualities will keep you out of the friend’s zone or push you further into it.
- How you value yourself will also determine the types of people you allow to enter your life.
- If you have low self-esteem, which undermines your confidence but you begin to increase your worth to yourself, you will be seen as more attractive.
- Physical traits or physical attractiveness has nothing or very little to do with your self-esteem.
Self-esteem is how your regard or rate your self-worth or value, as compared only to yourself. It is how you learn and cope with your failures, and just as importantly how you handle your successes. Imposing negatively another persons view on to yourself is a sure sign of having low esteem.
(Seeing yourself as a mirror of how others see you. This can be negative or positive. Or work in revers. Have you ever met someone constantly telling everyone how little they care about what others think of them? Do you notice he we all assume these people actually care the most? Because as humans we’re trained to spot false confidence. And those of us with a high self value are never caught saying this. Other naturally sense through our actions we have strong confidence and a high value for ourselves.)
Please take this test below and see where you lie on a self-esteem scale: Self-Esteem Test at DiscoveryHealth (Copyright © 2009 Discovery Communications Inc.)
Nice guys that do not do well with woman in a sexual sense, or find themselves having only relationships as a woman’s friend, can not possibly have high self-esteem.
Their views of themselves are more than likely based upon their failures with women. Those men sometimes think this way:
“Since women have only wanted to be friends with me, I’m only good at being a friend and not a lover.”
“Women don’t like nice guys and I resent them for this.”
So that nice guy does not learn from his experiences he merely relives them over and over by not being willing to change claiming,
“I’m a great guy and she should see that in me.”
See how they are based on how you see yourself through someone else.
People with high self-esteem compare themselves to themselves primarily.
They may mentor another or regard highly the opinions of someone with great knowledge, to learn from them. But they don’t think another person is better than them just because they have more ability in a field in which they don’t. They relish in learning from them and enjoy the learning process greatly. They have high respect for their favorite teachers. A man with high self-esteem practices what he learns always from the perspective of,
“What can I learn from my failures?”
I remember writing a paper in college on how to be effective at practicing an instrument. One of the issues I struggled with in teaching another my theories was how to handle the truth:
When we practice, we usually fail more than we succeed.
I came up with this theory in which states we must practice with as little failure as possible. In music you can do this by slowing down a piece of music and separating the parts. Then by making sure we only play the right notes and never make any mistakes, our brains will develop a stronger path that is more repeatable.
Works great with music and I can guarantee you will learn through this technique as I did. Unfortunately life does not work this way.
Life will rarely ever play out certain events in which it does not need you to improvise.
One day you may find yourself coming up with this unique pickup line. You practice it over and over everyday. You look in the mirror making sure your inflections and mannerisms are perfect every time. You confidently run out to the first woman you see, and give it to her. But then it fails miserably and you have no chance of recovering because you only learned how to say a pick up line. You were not teaching yourself how to talk effectively to a woman with confidence. Which is always more important.
But by working on your self-esteem you will be able to talk to anyone, anywhere, with confidence. Because you value your opinions and yourself highly.
If you don’t have high self-esteem you are constantly bombarded with doubts and preconceived ideas in your head. You try to make sure you say the right thing. All to insure the outcome of a girl finding you attractive or sexy enough to date.
Therefore a person with high self-esteem finds it easier to live in the moment.
But how can a nice guy have high esteem or much self-worth when he has been turned down so many times by women?
I understand after years and years of being told the same thing by women over and over we want to believe it. Some of us will even give up thinking,
“I guess I just was not meant to be in a relationship with any women, nonetheless me finding her beautiful.”
We hear we are only liked as a good friend, how it will ruin your friendship, or they are not interested in more than a friendship. How does anyone NOT begin to believe it. You experience the same situation over and over and with the same response you more than likely will begin to see yourself in these ways.
“I must not be good-looking because no woman has ever called me attractive.”
“Women say I’m cute and since cute doesn’t turn them on, I must not be sexual attractive.”
“You’re a great guy but I’m just not interested.”
So how does someone begin to increase his self-esteem?
Go out and start reading books and spend the time, or money on materials that are designed to do teach you just how to do this. It does not have to related to getting a girlfriend or finding the man of your dreams
. In fact, most of the time it won’t. But it will help in those areas anyways.
(I know… not much direct advice here but this issue can be so great in magnitude there are no quick fixes. I will say however, you can probably ignore, mostly, any advice on dating on work entirely on your self-esteem, and your dating and relationship problems will more than likely disappear over time.)
Women with low self-esteem often find themselves in predictable relationships with the same type of men.
I have seen women who do not value themselves highly often sabotage their own relationships time and time again. They often choose men who only prove to themselves their own low self worth. They usually end up being controlled by the man and they often will settle for men who treat them badly.
This is by no means meant to put down women. I just feel there is a pattern between low value and women that are needy, overly jealous, unable to cope with certain social situations, and fail to not keep high quality, but allow those men into their lives. They often predict too early a man is not worth her time or they only allow men into thair that end up proving to themselves their low self-esteem.
The separation between men and women at this point becomes:
- Men without high self-esteem often find it difficult to find fulfilling relationships and live more complete lives.
- Women without high self-esteem often find it difficult to stay in a fulfilling relationship and hence live a more complete fulfilling life.
- Both are equally affected in the health, wealth, family, and social arena.
(Although some women can be perceived by others to be slutty or easy because of her low value of herself. This is not fair. I did not make it so. It just is the way things are right now.)
I’ve listed an excerpt from one of the top books on self-esteem. It is from a book I constantly seek for advisement in my own life. This book literally blew my mind when I read it. I wasn’t entirely sure how your self-esteem has so much to do with your success in life until I read through it. I just can not understand why this book is not taught in schools everywhere. I feel it is a must read for anyone wishing to boost their self-esteem, and succeed in all aspects of their lives.
The 6 pillars are:
1. Live Consciously.
2. Accept Yourself.
3. Take Responsibility for Your Experiences.
4. Assert Who You Are.
5. Live Purposefully.
6. Maintain Your Integrity.