Today’s lesson is a transcribed interview of the famous and smart Carlos Xuma. He’s a guy who has routinely and for years, helped guys just like you succeed not only in dating and attraction – but how to be a real Alpha Man.
His material is amazing and I often turn to him and David DeAngelo as they were my top teachers in this field BUT also because…
Carlos does have a few “tricks” up his sleeve in meeting and attracting any woman you desire and he can show you them all YET the formulas he uses (similar to David and I) are NOT about playing games or using trickery to get a woman into bed.
It’s simply this:
- Build a better man. Tap the masculine man inside you. Lots of inner game strength and skills.
- Learn how to communicate that real guy inside you to women in a way which naturally creates attraction. This skill can be learned.
Let’s get right to the interview. The topics that will be discussed today plus how and why they’re going to help you are listed below:
- A trait of a nice guy which is terrible for attraction.
- How approval seeking leads to a failure with women.
- How being a leader is essential to staying out of the friend’s zone.
- How to stay out of the friend’s zone when you first interact with a woman.
- What “transactional approval” is and how the nice guy fails using it
- Using masculine energy to connect with a woman with just a small touch.
- Why you should not dumb down your approach.
- What only works on low-class women.
- The scale of a man’s personality from extreme to alpha man, bad boy, jerk, asshole, and where you want to be on that scale.
- How disapproval is not the same as being disliked.
- How disapproval is not the same thing as not being unattractive.
- What the opposite of love is. What the opposite of hatred is.
- What are the “scary statistics” for men.
- What his “Bad Boy Formula” is really all about.
- Reclaiming your masculinity as a man.
What is the worst trait a nice guy can have, that is just terrible for attraction?
Well I’ll tell you what, I think the worst one that a nice guy can have, and really the one he’s got to get rid of is, the approval seeking.
That’s the absolute worst. I mean think of all things it communicates and sub communicates on different levels.
It communicates low value.
First of all. Right, because a low value person needs other people’s approval. A high value person needs nobody’s approval.
Also approval seeking when you think about it on a level of, how it makes the woman feel. It makes a woman feel very “unspecial”. Because his standards are so low, she doesn’t seem like she standing out for any reason. Which is the old qualification concept right?
It also demonstrates a lack of masculinity on the guys part.
You know If you’re an approval seeking guy, it’s kind of a contradiction in terms. An approval seeking man. Haha! That’s not what we’re here for.
We’re here for, we create our own approval.
We go out and forge our own path.
We cut our own trail through this life.
And that’s what it is to be a man.
And that goes right against the grain of what it is to be a man, by seeking approval of all the other people out there. It’s just not good.
Besides as it’s been proven time and time again. No matter what you do, there’s always somebody who disapproves of you. And believe it or not, more people disapprove of you, when you need their approval.
It appears a little conundrum of human behavior. It’s something I talk about it in my social skills program but uh…it demonstrates a lack of leadership.
You can’t lead people if you need their approval.
You can’t show them the right way to go.
Real leaders, true leaders, know the path, they go on that path.
They don’t need approval.
If they need approval they’re not in the right position.
They’re not to be a leader.
And then there’s the fact it shows no courage and no balls what so ever, to be an approval seeker.
There’s no real bravery.
No true courage from a person that’s looking to minimize risk, by avoiding somebody’s disapproval.
So it’s a killer man. That’s just one of the worse ones. And in almost everything I’ve noticed when guys get rid of this need for approval..
They inevitably kind of go off the deep end a little bit, they kind of go way off into the “Ah I’m going to be a dick or a jerk for a while.” But when they swing back, when the pendulum swings back into balance.
They actually realize a whole new sense of self that is much more manly. Much more masculine. Much more attractive to women.
Yeah that’s really the one I would have to say that is the, worst one for attraction.
It’s a common theme out there that nice guys finish last with women and they kind of always put themselves in the friend’s zone when they first meet women.
Since I was that way myself.
And If there was one thing someone could have told me back then to help me out I would have been very very grateful, so if there’s anything,
If there was one thing a nice guy can do, to keep him out of the friend’s zone when he first interacts with a women…what would it be?
Yeah I’d have to say the first thing he should never do is , well you ask what he can do, I’ll tell you what he shouldn’t do…
Never offer anything up as a kind of trade for a woman. So that she senses an agenda or there’s a deal going down.
In other words, don’t make your interaction seem like, it’s a give and take. Like you’re giving her compliments so you can get her phone number.
Or you’re giving her flattery so that she will like you. It’s another form of approval seeking right there in a lot of ways.
But it also comes across as like a blatant transaction. It’s transactional approval. It’s a transactional kind of approach from a guy when he goes in like this.
And women can really sense it. They really can.
They can kind of sense that there’s a deal going down here. She’s going to start to wonder. She’s going to start to feel like you’re a salesman. Like she’s being sold. It’s a creepy slimy feeling for anybody to go through.
Right, so, if you want to stay out of that friend’s zone, make sure that first of all, never make it a transactional thing.
And then second of all, make it clear that you are a man with, a sexual, I don’t want to say agenda, that sounds wrong, that’s just too much for a woman.
But you do have to express a certain amount of sexuality about you.
You are a sexual being.
And it doesn’t necessarily relate to her, you just have to be a form of energy.
Let me put it to you this way.
It’s like you walking up and showing her, a fully charged battery. Right, this battery has got this little indicator on it. It’s all lit up on the side. It shows it’s fully charged. Kind of like those notebook computer batteries. You press a button and it shows how much charge are in them.
She can see this charge in you, that’s masculine. It doesn’t mean that your battery is connected to her or has to connect to her, and wants to zap her.
It just means that you have that potential in you. The potential to be manly. To be the kind of guy she can respect and be sexually attracted to.
Because the one things guys are doing right now are dumbing down their approaches. And by dumb down I don’t mean dumbing it down in terms of stupidity.
They’re dumbing it down in terms of their masculinity.
They’re softening it. They’re making it nice and fluffy and inoffensive and approval seeking and it really pussy is what it is coming down to.
So you’ve got to let go of that and really work towards demonstrating charge, power.
Again, another thing that guys are doing out there is they’re not putting up enough of their personality. They’re kind of hiding as much of themselves as they can. They want to be as inoffensive as possible.
They don’t want to risk, being disapproved of. Basically. They’re not getting a good approach done. So what do they do?
They hide all the things the would inevitably give her more interest in them.
No one likes bland food, why would a women like a bland man? Right?
It’s kind of an analogy there that every guy could stand to learn from. So Yeah as far as staying out of that friend’s zone you have to have that out there right away.
You also have to make your intentions pretty clear. I mean I had guys that don’t realize they’re doing this but, if this is something has ever happened to you, this is something you can learn from.
If you’ve gone up to a woman and talked to her and it’s gone well. She seems kind of iffy kind of like she doesn’t know what’s going on. Then it comes time for you to close the deal and you ask her for her phone number, and she asks you “WHY?” or it seems like out of the blue or she’s confused by your request.
“What would you do that for?”,
“Why would you want my number?”
Okay the reason she’s acting that way is because you didn’t communicate very clearly throughout you interaction, what you were doing there.
Why are you there talking to her. She can sense it. You don’t have to actually say it with words. She can sense it and you can do it the right way.
It can be as simple as when you first walk up to her and you touch her on the back of her elbow. Just lightly and not even for, like less than a second. Just to get her attention.
And in such a way that it is not the first thing she senses from you.
In other words, she doesn’t turn the complete opposite direction and you scare her by touching her on the elbow. But that one little touch can do an immediate level set and kind of bring into line, all the energy that should be between you.
Should be a positive and negative energy.
Maybe the Yin Yang energy is a better way of explaining it. I’m very big on eastern philosophy. I think that is really what it is.
She’s got to know that you’re the masculine side of the equation. And she’ll know exactly what her part is.
And where this whole relationship, or where you two stand with each other.
I believe that guys put themselves in the friends zone because they initially act like a friend. They really don’t see themselves as an attractive man so they unknowingly try to nice the girl into liking them. Would you agree?
Yes I would agree! Next question. No I’m kidding there.
Yeah, definitely, it’s something that guys very much do. They put themselves in the friend’s zone because they immediately put out the energy of a friend vibe. Because they’re too afraid of risking.
They don’t want to gamble that she might turn them down so what’s easier than that…
Well it’s easier to come away with nothing than it is to come away with rejection.
So, they do whatever they can to not get the rejection. And by doing so, they ensure that, in reality they do get the rejection but it’s not the one they can figure out.
They wonder she doesn’t answer her phone when he finally does call her. Or he wonders why she flakes out on the first date.
That’s because he never really put it out there. He never really, he didn’t risk enough of himself. He doesn’t see himself as an attractive man. I definitely believe that all game with women starts with the inner game.
You can not walk up, approach, and for a lack of a better term, seduce a woman, with a shitty sense of your own internal value.
You can’t do it. It doesn’t happen.
And women do see right through it.
Well I shouldn’t say it doesn’t happen, it does happen. But it only works on low quality women.
There are low quality women out there. And I hate to tell people this because it sounds like something so terrible…
You know if I were to say, that there are guys out there that women should avoid, well everyone knows that, but if I say that there are women out there that guys should avoid, suddenly it’s like oh no women are angels, they are perfect creatures.
No. Trust me.
Women are just as downright deceptive, nasty and evil as men are, just in different ways.
There’s no monopoly on bad.
Okay. I’m not saying this to make women seem bad, I love women, I love everything about women. I don’t have any of that masculine anger , or I shouldn’t say masculine, that macho anger against women at all.
I have to tell guys more often than not you’re probably worshiping women when you should bringing them back into reality.Take them off that pedestal.
So yeah you’re right, they do nice the girl into liking them. Or they try to be nice, hoping that’s the way to weasel their way in. And it is, it is the weasel way.
You know you’ve got to be willing to put out the right kind of energy to get the kind of results you want.
So instead of trying to win her over so that you can play Monopoly with her, I would much rather go into an interaction with a woman and come away with nothing.
And know that you know what, it was either going to go one of two ways.
It was either going to be I would eventually be sleeping with that woman and feeling nakedness, or nothing at all.
It’s like a saying by Helen Keller, she has a great saying,
“Life is either a great adventure, or it’s nothing.”
That’s the way you look at life. You don’t accept anything on the other level because why would you.
It’s like saying, “I’ll go along with bland, I don’t mind a bland life, but at least it’s not bad.”
That’s the wussy, kind of wimpy way out.
It’s definitely not the Alpha Man’s way or the Alpha lifestyle that I teach guys to have.
I really do like that quote by Helen Keller.
She also has another one which I really love and shows us all how to live:
“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature. Nor do the children of men experience it as a whole. So avoiding danger is no safer in the long run, than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.”
I recently posted a page called, You’re Such A Jerk Pete! 7 Reasons to Hate Me? Is this what you Bad Boy Formula About?
Yeah this is a great analogy for something that, I’m actually working on a project I call it the Bad Boy Formula and it’s going to be out very soon.
Where I break down completely the bad boy model and I explain why, you do, as a man, want to be, at least a little bit bad boy.
If not a lot bad boy.
Because bad boy is not bad.
What’s bad, is the jerk.
The jerk is not the same thing as the bad boy.
Okay, there’s a very big difference here. Bad boy’s got that mischievous smirk on his face. He’s the one that has got a little bit of that clever look in his eye like, I’m having fun on my own terms. I’m not hurting anyone but I’m getting my fun.
And I’m making sure other people enjoy themselves too.
That’s a good bad boy right there and that’s close to my Alpha Man model. This is what I, pretty much what I teach every guy to be.
Alpha man is right next to the bad boy. If you were to line up these guys up, like in terms of, the wimpiest to the strongest.
Way over on the left hand side is that super super nice guy, who isn’t really that nice by the way because he has got kind of, a covert agenda going on.
Then you’ve got various forms of the nice guy all the way up until you got a good guy. He’s just a good guy but he doesn’t really have a lot of strong masculine energy.
And then you’ve got the Alpha Man. Who’s got a lot more of an edgy side of the equation.
Now we’re getting further over to the right. And just to the right of the Alpha Man is the bad boy.
Then to the right of the bad boy is the jerk. And then beyond the jerk comes the asshole and the complete psychopath.
So there’s an extreme to each one of these, and you’ve got to be able to play in that danger zone.
So you’re right.
If you assume that a woman is upset and that means it equates to, not liking you, you’re making a very big mistake.
It’s a two dimensional way of looking at emotions, and feelings from people. It show a very distinct need to improve your emotional intelligence and understanding that,
Disapproval is not the same thing as being disliked.
Disapproval is not the same thing as, not being unattractive.
And being upset does not equate to, not liking you.
And when you make that desperate scramble to get her to like you….
Well you’re really going off the deep end there because the reality is, and this has been demonstrated time and time again, you’ve probably seen this in movies, and you’ve know it’s true when you see it.
You see this woman that really just kind of does not get along with this guy. And later as you go through the movie there’s this sudden change where she suddenly in love with him.
Her angry and her hatred for this guy turns into complete love and devotion to him.
Now how could this happen, right?
You see hatred is not the opposite of love. Hatred is very close to love. It’s a passionate feeling.
The opposite of love is apathy. That’s the opposite. No feeling at all. That’s the worst place to be.
And yeah that’s a great insight and it’s something I talk about in my Bad Boy Formula that really kind of explains a little bit about that.
Tell me a little more about The Bad Boy Formula.
Well let me tell you a little bit about it. I talked to you just a second ago about kind of the pendulum swing of extreme to extreme scale and where guys fit into that.
The Bad Boy formula is really about this, to kind of sum it up.
And that is, that guys are, for a lack of a better term, watered down.
They’re just not putting out enough of the edginess , the humor, the risk they used to. They’re too concerned with getting women to approve of them.
And this goes back to the approval thing. I just recently made a blog post in relation to this where I talked about, mens, scary statistics,
I call it scary statistics for men.
One of the alpha students of mine sent me an article and I posted it up.
And I said you know what, this is not a competition. But guys, really, you got to stake your claim.
If you need any more proof that it’s a woman’s world out there, listen to this.
- Double the number of single women are now purchasing homes in America, than there are single men. Think about that.
- 4 out of 10 women are now their families primary bread-winner. A sharp increase from the past decades.
- The New Hampshire State Legislature is now made up of a majority of women, it’s a first for a legislative body in the U.S. And the number of women in government continues to edge up nationwide.
- Women now account for 30% of Math PhD’s.
- On average women read 9 books every year. You know how many men read? 4!
- Women also account for 80% of the U.S. fiction market.
I’ve talked about this before. In several of my other programs.
Just how strong of a presence, woman are.
Guys don’t realize this, that when you walk into a bookstore, and which is by the way a great to go to meet women.
They’re the ones that are in there buying most of that stuff. All that stuff is marketed to women. They are marketing those magazines to women.
You know who the primary reader of all the men’s magazines you can think of are, oh one the popular ones are Men’s Health. Women read more of those magazine than men do.
Men are becoming illiterate and watered down.
We’ve got to really stake our claim and make a comeback here. And I don’t mean that in some kind of angry misogynistic way. Guy just have to step up and own it a little more. We’ve got to man up.
Oh one more statistic.
- The world bank recently estimated that the global earning power of women, will reach an estimated 18 trillion by the year 2014.
Now if that sounds just like a big number to you think about the fact that this is, more than men.
Women are going to have more money than men will. And you’ve got to realize that’s what drives capitalism and consumer cultures. And it really does drive the world in a lot of ways.
Who’s paying for what?
Women are buying something that’s who the marketers are going to go after. That’s where entertainment goes. That’s where the entertainment industry leads things.
We don’t have romantic comedies because guys dig them. We have them because women do. And women go to see them, and women pay out the bucks for them.
SO what it sums up to in the whole bad boy thing is…
If guys don’t get back to a more, less watered down version of themselves.
A little more concentrated, a little more edgy. Maybe with a little more bite to them.
A little like doing a slice of lemon, that little bit of wow.
Kind of a zing. Which is not necessarily uncomfortable in a lot of ways. A little bit of a wake up.
That’s what guys got to do. They got to put on their personalities. A little bit of edge. Maybe a little bit of sugar on the side to make it palatable.
Think about it guys, the Bad Boy Formula is really about reclaiming that sense of masculinity we’ve lost over the years, and we have lost it, big time.
I was very fortunate I had a Dad that taught me this stuff, as best as he could. And I learned a lot of it on my own the hard way. Through the school of hard Knox. Through getting my butt kicked and handed to me by women out there.
I learned it and I figured it out and I came back in a way that does not need to get my masculine power by lowering women.
I simply raise up my value as a masculine man. And let me tell you. It is valued out there. I have more than enough stories about that.
I would like to thank personally thank Carlos for everything he’s done and how much he has shown me and lots of others guy in their relationships
Make sure you download this today so he can show you how to tap into the bad boy inside you, give yourself a little edge around your nice guy ways, and of course an edge in attracting women.
He’s allowed me post lots of great articles on DiaLteG TM and on this page Carlos Xuma is where you’ll find them all PLUS everything he offers. There’s something for each stage in attracting women.
You WILL find something very specific to your needs as a guy.
Hope you learned something unique in the interview. Make sure you sign up to DiaLteG TM below because I have saved a few of his most helpful tips just for my private readers.
If you have any questions, comments, suggestions, tips, or want to get something off your mind – leave it below.