Being single… again, is always tough but how do we handle a relationship when it’s gone?
Do we just turn out the lights and “try to” pretend it didn’t happen?
Our relationships often encompass our lives and intertwine themselves into everyday existence. We begin to rely on that comfort. We rely on the feelings of special phone calls and special moments. The ones we share with our partner that only are known to us.
We commit ourselves to another which requires certain adjustments then those adjustments we make are no longer needed.
But what about the “good” breakups? Is there such a thing as a “good” breakup?
“One of the major rules that you’ll have to follow is that you should leave every woman you date better than you found her. Let’s say that every man in the world dates 4 women before finding the woman he wants to marry (a very conservative number). That means that every woman in the world will have 4 failed relationships before she finds her ideal partner. Any time you break up with a woman in a negative way, you make it harder for the man who should be with her to meet her because she’ll become increasingly closed off to the ideas of socializing, dating, and forming relationships.”
They’re not always mutual but sometimes one person in the relationship is not ready to continue.
Maybe they found a new project, made a lifestyle decision, or just “fell” out of live.
When we experience those so-called “good” breakup it feels just as tough as the bad even though there’s not much anger associated with it and it sucks on an entirely new level…
Losing someone that is not lost but is choosing to leave DOES hurt, but… We must find a way to move anyways, right?
I believe in good break ups, no matter how hard we fight them or try to stop them from happening.
There comes a time when one person must make the choice to move on, and break apart, no matter how bad it feels.
Being in the dating business is very interesting because I’m no different than everybody else…
I hurt when there’s a breakup.
And I have to deal with the same pain everyone else feels.
No one is exempt from life or relationships.
I recently just experienced one of those “good breakups” and even though it’s difficult to comprehend it all, I try to find a way to learn something, anything from the experience.
Maybe it’s MY way of keeping her lost love with me or maybe it’s way “secret” way of dealing with the pain, or even my way of rationalizing how a good thing can one day just disappear without warning.
The lessons are not always fun but they can AND do teach us or even lead us to our next relationship.
That is if we’re honest, sometimes brutally objective with ourselves.
My recent one showed me…
How deep I can be or how shallow my self-esteem really goes and how tiny chinks in my “man” armor how been broken off, and how’s it time to patch them up.
Without that failed relationship I might not even noticed they were coming loose. So that’s a good thing I guess. A positive note.
She didn’t cause them in the first place, they were always there loosely hanging until the next storm knocked them to the ground.
Knowing all that I realized I have two choices to make:
#1. Get over it and move on.
So I turn to a friend’s advice just like you to help me move on,
“You can’t be a whole man until you learn how to live and be happy without a woman in your life. Period.
Stop calling her. Yeah, I know you’re probably falling victim to that compulsive voice in the back of your head that wants to know ‘Is she seeing other people? Do we still have a chance?’
If you stay in contact with her you’ll only wind up begging for her to reconsider, then tearful mementos at her doorstep, and further supplication on your part. You’ll wind up like one of the guys on “Scrubs” trading your balls for sex.
Every time you get the urge to call her, have a substitute activity that gives you an equal amount of pleasure, such as turning on the X-box ( I call this X-therapy ) or going out for a bike-ride.
Turn your pain into your gain.
Take a few weeks off from women – COMPLETELY.
Don’t give them a second thought. Don’t pressure yourself into picking up or throwing out lines or anything.
If you approach Lifeguard girl now, you’ll probably blow it because of all this anxiety you’ve created for yourself.
Take a little while and get your game together.
The first part of his advice, being happy without a woman in your life, is still some of the best advice I have ever read on dating and attraction but…
HOW are we supposed to take it?
Years ago I thought I was special because I did learn how to be happy without a women in my life but was I really happy?
Of course not!
I only pretended to be happy when deep inside that lonely little boy was desperate and hurt.
I masked those hurtful feelings by being so busy in my everyday life I could this classic excuse to forgive my failures with women,
“I don’t have time for a girlfriend.”
But it was the art bullshitting myself.
The REAL truth was that I had plenty of time. I was just distracting myself from the problem to make myself look better and it gave me a quick answer to any woman who asked that truly hated question,
“How come you don’t have a girlfriend?”
The second thing we can “choose” to do is…
#2. Fight it!
This guy showed me a perspective which never even crossed my mind and I suggest we all can learn something here,
When a woman “wimps out” (e.g. from a relationship they believe they are not worthy of, or as a “preemptive strike” against getting hurt), it’s up to the man to TAKE CONTROL.
If we want out and let her go, that’s our business. And it could be the right decision.
Or…we can elect to rise to the occasion, become righteously indignant and show some well-placed but firm emotion about it.
I’ve done exactly that with great effect in the past.
Sometimes you can really inspire women here by becoming upset with them for not believing in their own beauty, and overall value really.
I’ve even told women that their lack of faith in my attraction to them was in fact to be taken as an insult of my own choices, since I chose her willingly.
I don’t associate myself closely with substandard women, and her assumption to the contrary — even when inwardly focused — was not going to be excused as “modesty” when it was clear she was seriously doubting her worth.
I’d tell her that was flatly unacceptable behavior… and often I’d get tangible results.
And so can you in these situations.
Women follow our lead.
That quote really hits home with me because it’s exactly how my last relationship ended...
A preemptive strike by a woman who wasn’t sure what love was, or what it was supposed to feel like. ( And of course there was more but that’s her personal journey and not mine to discuss with you. )
Back to fighting it since so many of us do… for guys…
There is always a second chance for everyone, so it’s NOT impossible for you to get back together with your ex girlfriend.
But first, you should ask yourself some questions:
Do you still love her?
Do you really want her back?
Are you trying to get her back because you don’t want to be alone, or you don’t believe you should have been dumped?
If you are looking to get back with your ex for reasons OTHER than love, you may be playing a dangerous game that would be better off avoided.
And for women…
You are going to need to take a completely fresh approach.
Begin by breaking contact off for a while, doing your own thing.
During this time where there is no communication between you and your ex boyfriend, you can focus on ways that you can improve your own personal life, rather than focusing on the relationship issues at hand.
This is going to be a challenging time, and it is going to require discipline to prevent you from returning to your old ways.
When the relationship is over, do we just “turn” off the lights?
I don’t believe so.
Turning off the lights might shut out an event in our lives like it never happened. As if we don’t want to include a piece of it in who we are or who we are becoming.
I’m not suggesting we keep it lingering around us or suggest we choose to live in the past…
Merely acknowledge it. For good or bad.
When the now passed relationship can be made to represent a “new” chapter in our lives, we definitely want to include a new light still shining from the past.
Something to guide us better, happier, more understandings and help us gain a more truthful honest approach to ourselves so the next one is just that much better.
We can choose to fight it…
We can choose to let it go…
We can choose to wallow in the past constantly putting ourselves down for the failure…
But I firmly believe just turning off the lights and forgetting it ever existed, just because we felt bad or feel like shit, is the LAST thing we want to happen.