I’m seeing this girl ATM. She said she needs a little space so I said I’ll see her on Thurs and won’t contact her till then. And said she can contact me first. Thought it may be a trust thibg as relationships are built upon trust. Is a week too long to go without talking to someone? I feel slightly ignorant by doing this as we texted each other everyday. Cheers
A week’s definitely not too long but there’s more going on which I feel must be said.
Please take a few minutes to read below and from there you can decide what to do and whether or not what I’ve scratched out pertains to and your space situation.
This is not every case but it’s been my experience that when women ask for space there’s always something more going on.
Some women may feel like they’re being smothered but I look at it all slightly different…
The gut level attraction is fading AND her identity has become hazy. The chemistry is not what it use to be AND she may feel trapped into “two” people who is stealing her independence.
Unfortunately for some guys it feels like they have to start chasing her and show her how right they are for her.
Often the trust and space is granted but it’s not the same kind she needs.
You can’t give something to someone when they feel they already have every right to it.
This may not be your situation exactly but it can help you to stay away. It can also help you to perhaps get a better outcome if you want things to work out.
When a woman asks for space she’s NOT asking for your permission.
She’s telling you she’s not ready.
She may be scared of getting closer.
She may feel like every decision she makes now affects you just as much. She feels she has no time to think about herself and what she wants out of life.
She entered a relationship feeling (randomly) 75% complete (as a person) and it jumped to 80%. But over time the 25% she was missing before suddenly starts feeling less attainable. And if that keeps up she’ll feel about 65% or some where less than where she was before it all started.
That’s HER recollection. That’s HER reasoning. It’s how she rationalizes HER situation.
You must understand in HER mind, she’s starting to feel different because she’s thinking about it. Even if she has yet to fully understand the relationship between what she’s experiencing and how it appears.
When a woman loses her attraction, or when there’s no emotional surges happening anymore, it can feel like something took it away.
She’ll question the source.
She’ll question herself.
Taken internally she’ll question her identity thus concluding…
She’s losing a part of herself in the relationship.
A piece which can never be taken (or subdued) without emotional or physical abuse.
Suddenly getting “space” becomes her solution.
Which makes perfect sense.
You can see how easy it is to screw it all up and make it worse for your relationship.
I understand how easy it is to want to reach out and grab something when you feel you’re losing it. It’s only natural to catch something which is dropping.
But in these situations nothing is really dropped or snatched from us. It just feels that way.
Remember as in above, you can not give something to someone who already feels they (humanly) have it.
Part of the confusion is my mistake.
I wrote “give her space” but to really solve it from what the real problem is, it must be now changed to…
Create the space necessary to allow attraction to continually do what it is designed for.
If you were to just “give her space” by saying it to her and yourself, “Okay. I’ll stay away. If that’s what you want…”
You’re only giving her every reason to leave.
But… creating the space works differently.
If I were to create the space necessary I would take into account all of what I shared with you today.
I would consider what has changed.
Where the attraction was replaced with something else.
I once had a girl give me space. I wasn’t as lucky as you are. She just starting disappearing more and more until I admitted to her she was pulling back. I said, “I noticed this. Make your choice. In or out?”
Now I could go on and on give you a thousand different things that may have happened but the simple answer is usually the right one.
The guy she fell for, (the one she created in her mind of who I was) when the reality of it all crept in, the man she created in her mind was not the guy she was now experiencing.
Did I fool her?
Did I pretend I was someone else?
Did I play her?
Of course not.
But I fully understand what brought us together – her special attraction to me – was not something which could be kept up in a relationship at that point in our time.
I gave her the space I thought she needed but I failed to create a sustainable space where attraction can continue to grow and develop.
Since at some point she thought,
“This is not what I expected. Maybe this is not what I wanted. I change men! Hmmm… maybe I could do better. I mean this guy’s practically perfect but if he likes me… SHIT! Why do I change men – for the worse. WHAT AM I MISSING?”
And there you have it – she’s gone all out explaining to herself that something is missing:
Some (women) are good at figuring that out.
Some are not.
Some are good at connecting all the events and the real root of the loss. Some will explain it away as the chemistry was replaced by something more significant. Like love.
Some grow scared when that happens and pull away very quickly.
Some find a way to make it happen.
My point is, based on all my experience with women, I stopped being the guy she felt I was. Remember, for some women, just being a “guy” she could never catch, after getting him, suddenly becomes a different guy.
She told me I was the first guy she ever fell in love with but she didn’t believe in love.
She said once she when got real close to a guy, she would suddenly start hating him or pulling back completely.
She gave me every available opportunity to create the right amount of space to keeps things excited and fun and adventurous and let her watch me share myself to the world in the same way she fell for me – and what did I do?
I made her my “easy way out” of not chasing more women while I focused on a new career I had just started.
Which made me change in her eyes.
There’s no hard rule of time separation.
You’re not being ignorant, you’re being realistic.
You’re being a guy.
You’re considering the logic interpretation of what she means when she wants space.
All I’m saying is she’s asking, or has asked, or (hopefully) has given you the right clues that somewhere down the road the necessary space to create attraction no longer exists or is dwindling.
Her exact reasoning is obviously beyond me. I’m speaking generally of course.
Think about your situation like I have tried to show you. Her feelings of loss. How she may be rationalizing everything. What may now be missing from your initial attraction towards each other.
Consider what she’s saying is not what she means.
Look for the hidden things you might have missed.
Use what you can to begin to “create the space” and not just blindly handing it over by conforming to a time-table which doesn’t exist.
Again, focus on “creating the right space” and not just giving it away blindly thinking it will work.
All the best of luck and do hope I’ve given you enough today help you along.
Thanks for writing Tony and all the best to you…