How are these “cool” words connected?
- Self esteem.
- Indifferent to an Outcome.
There’s an ongoing theme in the “self-help” world which says to overcome fear and have more confidence in anything you must do this:
Put yourself in situations that allows you to overcome your fears… naturally.
Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?
This site is dedicated to nice guys and there’s plenty of them out there who are so scared of a cold approach so much it makes them shake.
So that statement above for them would read like this:
“So all I have to do to overcome the fear of approaching good-looking women is to put myself in a situation where I can approach them naturally or better yet, get them to approach me? Wow!
That’s it? But wait a second. I’m a nice guy, remember? Women do like me but they don’t seem to want to be my girlfriend or are not attracted to me. They would rather be with some good-looking jerk that treats them like shit.
Is there a piece of the puzzle we’re missing here or are we looking at it from the wrong angle?
Think of it this way.
Fear is an emotion based on a future event.
“If I do that… this will happen.”
Not the actual moment it is happening.
The fear begins before the event.
IF I approach her she will turn me down and I will look like a fool. My heart will be broken and my self-esteem lowered.
Remember what fear is…
A prediction of an outcome that COULD happen and it has its place but usually not in the dating world. It’s a left over instinct from a time when the alpha male cavemen would probably bash you on the head for messing with his woman or is related to real fears being confused with non-threatening situations because of the way our minds are wired.
Now typically NOT being able to approach a woman because of a prediction of an event the real issue is the fear, NOT the approach itself.
Predicting an event or outcome causes fear.
Self-esteem->indifferent to an outcome.
If we follow the trail back from “no fear” we hit indifferent to an outcome, then back further to self-esteem, and then to confidence.
Putting yourself in a situation where you will naturally be more confident will strengthen your self-esteem.
Which makes it easier to be indifferent to an outcome and not predicting an outcome means you have no fear which qualifies you as “being cool.”
But it also works the other way…
If you have low self-esteem or no confidence at all, then you are definitely going to have more fear.
If no one teaches you how to walk a tightrope you’re going to be scared shitless because you have no confidence in your ability to walk that tightrope.
You’re going to find meeting women, getting them to sleep with you, finding dates, or even just having a girlfriend will require you to do things that have nothing to do with attraction to fix the holes in your confidence and self-esteem.
Find something simple to start out with that scares you a little.
Put yourself in the position to do it or that will have you naturally face it and then overcome it.
Then learn to thrive off that confidence boost into other areas of your life.
I’ve learned much of my confidence building techniques from Doctor Paul. You may have heard of him. If this is an area you struggle with, go check him out immediately.
Dr. Paul advocates confidence building increases our ability to maintain or protect our self-esteem. It’s the barrier we use to defend our inner self. Which is why “self-esteem” comes after in these four steps to “being cool.
In my reasoning today:
Confidence gives you the strength to succeed and a better ability to protect your inner-self.
Your inner-self is where you self-esteem resides and is allowed to grow. They are built and grown from your belief system in every aspect including you and how you see the world around you.
These beliefs can be changed ( if they are limited or limiting you ) through re-framing techniques and by increasing your confidence are protected.
False confidence protects the bad beliefs and no confidence means “others” can easily steal your belief in your self.
Natural indifference in one form happens when we live the best we can within a present state of mind. We can still learn from out past and remain goal-orientated BUT we must be aware of each moment we are experiencing in order to do that more effectively.
INDIFFERENCE happens when we live less in the future and thrive little off of the negative stuff in our past.
When that happens more often than not we can learn to separate the real fears from the false ones which have grown inside us AND then we become more courageous and FEARLESS.
For more thoughts on how they relates to becoming a more attractive man please read my article: Thoughts On Being Cool Plus How and Why It Makes You More Attractive