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What Can You Do When Your Girlfriend or Boyfriend Is Getting Private Messages?

in For Women, Growing, Learning, Relationships
Private Online Phone Dms Relationship

Getting private messages from others outside the relationship can test your character, put a strain on the relationship, and cause hatred and jealousy. What CAN or SHOULD you do about it? Make sure you take the relationship test after and grade yourself honestly for some revealing results..

“Just wanted to hear your thoughts on girlfriends or boyfriends accepting DMs from others out of the relationship, but also letting the others know that they are in a relationship.”

Relationships are a little more complicated in the social arena these days because of our ability to connect with others on the internet.

It’s ALL too easy to go online and start messaging potential people or others to entertain the idea of cheating on your partner.

There are also so many circumstances which can bring about those “private” messages we wouldn’t even know where to begin to focus on just one circumstance.

After a fight… An old flame… Some random man or woman… Web stalkers… A complacent boring relationship… Getting back at someone you think is cheating on you… A feeling you settled for the wrong person when you see someone else… Peeking on the other side of the fence, just to check out what else is there…

You can always comment below your own story or reason below.

My first thought is:

It depends on how solid the relationship is and where it’s at, the true character of the person accepting or responding to the message, AND a little of the true character of the person sending the messages. Notice I didn’t say “intention” or “reason” because those can faked or fooled.

I also believe at some point, during a normal conversation between people, the other half will be brought up. Whereas if either person is avoiding that topic then there’s an underlying theme or undeniable fact that it’s more than “just a friendly chat”.

So…

A line needs to be drawn somewhere.

At some point “something” must be done about it.

BUT I feel between two mature people that line should be extended far away because of the trust and security issues.

For example…

I was dating a woman once who received tons of mail from guys looking to get in her pants. I knew how I handled it meant a lot to both of us.

If I never said anything, I knew she’d worry I didn’t care about her enough and a little jealousy is sometimes good.

I also knew if I said too much, I’d appear insecure and not “worthy” of a woman like her.

My mind then entertained this important piece, “What if she was telling me about a few guys – but for some reason hid other guys… what did THAT mean? What did that say about that guy – maybe she was interested and worried about him and not the others.”

All those thoughts seem to make it an all-too-complicated issue with no real definitive and reliable answer.

Luckily I came up with a better plan.

ALWAYS act from and out of security, trust, humor, even a little cockiness, BUT never be afraid to once in a while say, “Hey… this is bothering me a little.” Notice I said “this” and not “him” or “her”. No accusations. No quick harsh judgments.

Just how it feels and nothing more.

Doing that, or acting that way while being direct and honest seems to take care of things completely because we should accept the fact that sometimes others will cheat, and since we don’t all define “cheating” the same way – we must, in the very least, act confidently, consistently and always from trust with a hint of objectivity.

It’s understandable when advice like this is so easily given without the thought of acting it out or putting it into play – when situations like this arise, our feelings will make doing it much more difficult. After all, in a fit of jealousy or the emotions associated with thinking someone is cheating on us or considering cheating on us, we must learn to not be so hard on ourselves to perform and we should expect the same from our partner.

Which brings us back to CHARACTER and the readiness or ability to communicate EFFECTIVELY while we’re in a relationship.

My ideas are:

Building a stronger character and acting from that person will make problems like this much easier to deal with and we won’t be left searching for answers outside ourselves.

If we (as a couple) are forever learning how to truly communicate with each other, then again, problems like this won’t normally exist because of the transparency we create with the person we’re committed to will almost guarantee there won’t be so many secrets waiting to be exposed.

The truth is – two people in a relationship – whether they’re rich, beautiful, average, co-dependent, happy, miserable, or not – will ALWAYS find at least one person who wants to take it from them.

Their reasons for doing so is not as important for now and their reasons might have nothing to do with the targeted couple at all.

IF you find yourself in situations like this – maybe your girlfriend is always being hit on with sleazy or seemingly innocent DM’s or perhaps some of his past girlfriends are always messaging him just “looking for advice” or to “stay in touch” AND you just don’t know what to do… you feel trapped into choosing only from two terrible choices: 1. Get mad and jealous and voice your anger, or 2 Do nothing and pretend it doesn’t bother you until it all explodes, THEN consider these questions instead:

  1. Would you trust yourself if it was you who was getting these messages?
  2. Do you trust your partner equally that he or she will take an action which will NOT impact your relationship in a negative or hurtful way?
  3. Do you know, without very little doubt, the true character of the person you’re involved with?
  4. Has a past pattern of lying, deceit, or insecurity already been established from either one of you BUT for some reason you think this time, it’s going to be different?
  5. How confident are you in your ability and your partners ability to  communicate real truthful deep inner feelings without fear of judgment and/or retaliation?
  6. Can you objectify the security you have in yourself?
  7. Do you respond mostly positive or negatively when other objectify or offer subjective conclusions on your security?
  8. Do you feel worthy of your partner?
  9. Do you believe your partner values you?
  10. Do you feel humanly competent in your ability to please and support your partner and NOT to the best of your ability or that you’re trying, just humanly competent this very moment?
  11. Do you believe your partner is also humanly competent to please and support you under the same conditions?
  12. Are you confident that you can rely on your partner without looking or feeling needy and desperate?
  13. Do you confidently believe your partner can rely on you without looking or appearing needy and desperate?
  14. Is your overall happiness based mainly on your relationship and/or the success of that relationship?
  15. Do you believe your partners overall happiness is based mainly on the relationship and/or the success of that relationship?

With total disregard for becoming just another stupid old-magazine style quiz I will ask you to grade yourself on your honest answers only. No need to fake it or make it up because only YOU will know your real answers.

Each answer does not have to be a yes or no.

Grade yourself from 0 to 6.

6 being a definitive yes.  0 being an absolute no.

Yes, you can not get a 100% because we’re people in relationships and I’m not going to speculate today that one question/answer is worth more than another even though we all know it does matter.

The higher the number you come to – the less you should act or worry about your partner getting these types of messages.

The lower the number, the more you can look into increasing those weaker areas to avoid making it worse with your partner.

If you land somewhere in the middle just make sure you act in the very least TRY what I did:

ALWAYS act from and out of security, trust, humor, even a little cockiness, BUT never be afraid to once in a while say, “Hey… this is bothering me a little.” Notice I said “this” and not “him” or “her”. No accusations. No quick harsh judgments.

Just how it feels and nothing more.

DiaLteG TM is not 100% for men only but it’s pretty close. If you would like to hear my thoughts on men, why they do things, and understand them better then get it from me exclusively at Why Do Guys…?Thank you,  Peter White.

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