Given two types of personalities – Which one are you, a LOVER or a PROVIDER?
When we are looking to get into a relationship with a specific woman we often act a certain way which is not always the best way make it happen.
We pursue her more and eliminate our other options because we want to show her she is the only woman we want.
My personal “older” experiences with women had me searching for a girlfriend and acting like the provider. I would pursue her, court her, and downplay my “lover” side because I wanted to show her I was different than the typical guys who only wanted to screw her.
I was wrong! If your experiences with women or one woman is leading THEM to make a decision to be your girlfriend or not, the personality you are showing her is that of the PROVIDER.
“Lovers are pursued. Providers do the pursuing.
If she sees you as a provider, a woman will withhold sex, play hard to get, and test you to see how good of a provider you’ll be.
If she sees you as a lover and gets physically involved with you very quickly, then YOU will be in control, and you can choose where the relationship is going.” —> taken directly from Advanced Dating Techniques workbook page 38.
Women want men to lead in (dating and attraction) and move from lover to provider in a natural way which shows control and strong inner beliefs.
Be a lover first and be in control of where things can go from there.
Attraction is one thing but what happens when you’ve managed to attract her and you all too quickly find out she doesn’t want a relationship with you.
Well maybe she “does” want one but she tells YOU she’s not ready.
The most common reasons are,
“I just got out of a long relationship.” or
“I want to focus on my career or school first and don’t have time for one.” or the biggest one of all,
“I’ve been hurt way too many times and don’t want to get hurt again. I just want to be sure this time.”
We have two different sides to this.
From an attraction stand point – we call them excuses or she’s letting you down nicely because she’s not feeling it enough for you.
Truth be told this has happened to me a few times and I actually believed her… until a short time later when those very same women committed rather quickly to the next guy.
In that case we must go back a few “squares” and check to see how much attraction was created, how we treated it, but most of all HOW we handled it after.
You see sometimes we get a little needy too quick which causes her to run. It happens a lot to guys who land their first really awesome woman and quickly fear losing her.
In those cases we end up pushing it too fast. We become guarded around other men. We basically become jealous, overbearing, and a little time-consuming in her life or worst of all… Controlling.
From a “relationship” stand point, assuming there IS enough attraction and we’re not screwing it all up by destroy the early chemistry, it comes down to a few mostly common reasons:
#1. Moving too quickly.
“We allow the commitment to happen naturally, qualify the right woman at the right time, avoid some common mistakes, and trust in our ability to BE the guy she’s never met before and will WANT to be an integral part of our lives.
Relationships need to progress naturally and can’t be forced BUT for a woman to feel safe enough to invest more of her time without the threat of being hurt, she needs a progression which is actually moving forward at a reasonable pace.
You just can not rush into it and expect her not to have second doubts.
So… what to do when a Woman says she’s not ready for a relationship in this case … take it slow but always progress naturally and YES it’s a delicate balance to achieve BUT it IS possible.
#2. Assuming a relationship is already there and acting like it.
Some of us tend to believe one or two dates means we should be acting like we are already in a relationship. Sure you can put it under moving too quickly but this one IS different.
This is where we tend to call too often, text too often, introduce her to our family and friends, ask her to do things which only a well-formed couple would do and anything which married people normally do.
Keep in mind those ARE essential in forming a relationship BUT assuming she wants it without giving her the option and going right into relationship mode can easily scare some if not most women away.
Especially if she’s been recently hurt of went through a bad break up.
So… what to do in that case… Don’t assume you’re in a relationship until she gives you clear signs and is acting like she is in one too. Especially wait to move unless she has said she loves you.
#3. Being less of a nurturer (or supportive guy) and too much focusing on quick sex before deciding we actually want a relationship, leaving her to believe sex is all we’re getting out of it.
The standard rule for this is: If you want to be seen as a nurturer let her see it. Don’t shove it in her face hoping she will see what a great guy you are.
If you’re not much of a nurturer or your life proves nothing beyond pizza, beer, football, video games, etc.. then I would expect you to start doing more things which says you’re in it for the long run and are not looking for some casual fling.
Which bring up the next reason…
#4. Not having any long-term goals.
For a woman to trust your commitment is real, she must see you are at least thinking and doing something about YOUR future.
You do have some plans. You can be predictable and a reliable man. Someone she count on down the road when things might get a little tough and someone she can make long-term plans with.
Here’s a great quote I love which explains it a little better:
Vague long-term plans based on common interests are a great idea.
If she says she loves art, talk about some gallery or place you two have to go to “one day”.
If she wants to be a better cook, say that you should take a cooking class together sometime. Done right, she’ll get a feeling that you’re out for more than a lay.
How to Make Her Your Girlfriend
You’re going to love this next one and women are going to hate it… Haha! but…
#5. You’re NOT dating or seeing any other women.
Yes. It’s counter-intuitive but it sets you up as a real challenge, a man with choices and selection and it tells women other women want you too. (Which is not always a bad thing and although some women will NEVER accept this type of behavior my Nice Guy Approach does and it DOES work rather well.)
Having all that behind you also does something very interesting to the way she sees you BUT it also assures her without a doubt, when all the other women in your life are displaced, forgotten, or left out of your life that SHE IS the only one for you.
The nice part being, don’t go bragging or using it against her or try to make her jealous. There IS a morally acceptable way to achieve this.
Besides, when a woman feels something that special for you she will assume other women see it too so there’s actually no need to even mention it.
You might want to mention how no other women compares to her though and how you’re growing tired of having to date them AND how you’re no longer comfortable with other guys seeing her too.
At the right time of course if you’ve followed along with the rest so far.
What should a man look for when it comes to finding his “perfect match” for the long-term — also known as his true “dream woman”? Here are 3 key steps to finding and keeping her:
Based on all those points above it’s now clear that when a woman says she not ready for a relationship something has gone wrong.
Hopefully knowing what mistakes we might have made can make it easier to now know what to do or what to avoid in the future.
We must also keep in mind her state of mind and knowing what mistakes we might have made or how we could’ve destroyed the attraction all can give us a clearer picture of whether or not she’s just using as an excuse or in fact she’s not in the place or state of mind as we are.
Sometimes ruling out things can help us determine what to do next.
If and this is a big IF because I do believe most women don’t enter a relationship or says she’s not ready because we’re making those mistakes, again IF it’s just her. The timing. Maybe she’s focused on something else. Maybe she just got over a break up or even has trouble trusting guys…
There is only one thing I would ever suggest and it’s the simplest most profound answer you’re going to find.
You see most mention… Oh you have to be there for her. Let her cry on your shoulder. Do relationship things BUT we’re talking about a woman who is clearly NOT interested in some guy holding her hand.
What to do when a woman is not ready for a relationship… I say step back, stop pushing it, you can’t force it to happen.
Love and the whole relationship thing almost always come together (if it’s right) when we’re allowed time and the space and the other options are not really living up to our expectations to realize it was what we wanted in the first place.
Step back, figure out if something on this page makes sense to you or is part of some mistakes you might have made AND definitely follow through with the first part… make sure she’s not giving you an excuse because you didn’t create enough attraction early on.
From there I’m sure you’ll know what to do now.