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What NOT To Do When A Woman Flakes Out On You

in Attraction, Dating, Is She Playing, Real Alpha Man
Women are NOT similar to breakfast flakes. Bit is it really possible to enjoy a flaky woman like a bowl of cereal?

A reader sent me a question wondering how to handle a woman who flakes…

If she is interested in you, but cancels the third date to test you, how would you handle it? I simply refuse to contact with her and when she sent a text massage, I ignored for four days to show her to stop her silly games. What do you think?

Playing a game with a woman because you believe she is playing one against you means you’ve already failed her “flake” test.

First of all, if she doesn’t know how you responded she won’t know WHY you’re doing it which makes your “punishment” fairly useless.

Some women will get it but why trust she’ll make the connection when there’s other options in dealing with a “flaky” dating situation.

I’d say “punishing her” fails her test ( if it actually was one ) because she’ll only learn this from it…

You can’t handle her every changing emotions and when things happen which are beyond her control, your first move is to disappear.

Remember: We normally fail her “test” when we respond in a way she was expecting.

let’s go a little deeper to figure this all out.

NUMBER ONE: A woman’s REAL tests are subconscious.

She does not always know they’re happening and they can manifest themselves in many ways.

Missing a third date could be a self-defeating action which manifests as a test to assure the guy she’s dealing with is a step above the rest BUT is going to stick around.

From that standpoint – something ALWAYS happens around the third or perhaps fourth date depending the nature of the relationship.

Quick and deep connection you’ll get this test on possibly the first or second date.

Light and short connections may take five or six dates before it happens.

Like maybe she’s not satisfied with her clothing options. She reached out to a friend and wouldn’t you know it, that friend needed help that night.

She suddenly feels bloated and is thinking about sex, and now doesn’t want that to happen so she flakes out.

I could go on because woman have a ton of “oops” excuses to explain backing out on a date and sometimes they are self-sabotaging moves which look like a test.

Sometimes of course it works its way out to actually be one too so…

Subconscious = TEST.

A conscious move to elicit some kind of response, mostly negative = GAME.

That’s how I see it.

If she’s doing it on purpose AND it’s usually negative or overly dramatic then it’s a game.

NUMBER 2: Women use these TESTS because it’s her best way to get to know the real us.

It’s a simple and efficient way to get past the bullshit and break through our persona or the persona we’re trying to represent to a woman we’re attracted to.

Most of the time they work extremely well and blend in seamlessly in the relationships.

The early tests are done so we inadvertently disqualify ourselves saving her time and energy with a dead end date.

On the other hand as we slowly reveal ourselves to her and knowingly or not, pass them, they shift deeper and more elaborate until they reach a breaking point.

I’ve found after that they get so subtle and blend in to the relationship quite well. But don’t quote me on that just yet.

Now that we’ve cleared up the difference between game playing and actually testing and how they might cause a woman to flake out on us, let’s clear up one more misconception on how to respond to a “flaker ” – the Alpha way.

Most assume the “Alpha” responds with brute force tactics – or in this case “ignoring” her as a punishment.

Like they have to stand up and put her in her place or else she’ll walk all over you.

But in reality…

The real Alpha Male doesn’t let it affect him either way. He’s not driven by her actions. He’s not easily upset or feels like he must play a game to get his point across.

A real alpha male never feels the need to prove himself especially to a woman who may or not be flaking out on her.

If you’re still not sure what being a real Alpha Male is then read one of the best description I’ve found. What The Alpha Man Is.

So to pass her flake test…

We’re not allowed to have it affect our manhood or our masculinity.

We’re not allowed to demand a reason or feel we’re owed an excuse.

Tough response I know and until I started dating more women I wasn’t running into any flake tests.

A long time passed before I was tested on this.

My first time I thought a lot, perhaps too much about it.

I went from being hurt to being angry to feeling like giving up on her altogether. I took it as a huge sign she was not a woman I wanted in my life. You know, put my nose up in the air and thought “screw her then… bitch!”

But since I knew it felt wrong I went and talked to someone who has been through it a lot.

He offered this advice…

Do nothing.

Act like it didn’t even happen. Don’t even shake your head at her in disgust.

If you have to, pretend you didn’t even notice she had flaked out. You can even bust her ass a little but mainly – as far as you’re concerned – “We were supposed to meet up? Ooops! My bad.”

Carlos Xuma

The whole “flaking” thing then took off.

Tons of guys were asking what to do, how to do it, and wanted to know the exact reasons why women flake out.

His advice made sense and I trusted it would work so I tried it…

When she came to me apologizing for her flakiness I simply stated,

“Hey…No problem. I ended up meeting a few friends that night and one thing led to another… I got home around four-thirty in the morning… we had a great time.”

Her response was simply amazing because it reminded me of something Manri Kinrys wrote about it in her guest post at DiaLTeG TM –> Why Women Flake And Exactly What To Do

You see, when a woman likes a man there is no way she would cancel plans on him for something else AND if she does cancel she will make certain they have concrete plans in the future.

This girl I’m talking about began rattling off dates to hook up again.

She began kissing my ass.

She was acting quite desperate to make her flaking up to me.

You see to her, a guy who is not affected by her moods or whatever she is doing, is not the type of guy she was used to dealing with.

Some threw fits. Some got angry. Some even begged her not to flake out on again and how it pissed them off.

And yes, every one of them failed her tests.

“Some PUA’s advise the man to ignore the shit test (by changing the subject) – and that’s good advice if you only want to get into her pants. But if you actually want to date her, you should step up and use the shit test as an opportunity to prove that you can handle her… How Women Use Shit Tests and Why It’s A Good Thing for You.

She suddenly saw me as a guy she wants to keep around.

It became in HER best interest to try harder and not flake out on me the next time even though I didn’t respond harshly or with a game.

Pretty cool stuff because who would’ve known such an easy response would have worked so well.

Which brings me back to what I mentioned above:

If we respond to her test in a way she was expecting than we have just failed.

I have a rule of attraction because I’m a lazy guy and like to avoid doing more work than necessary. It has worked for me.

Do as little as you can to attract a woman.

Being a dick is hard work.

Too much drama and definitely way too much bullshit to deal with.

Playing a game is also a lot of work.

Too much thinking, planning, etc…

And it usually only leads to more game playing.

Again, a lot of freaking work.

The best option is to simply act from a real Alpha Playbook with a calm cool collected attitude towards women.

“If we refer to our specific set of rules we make then every time we begin to question what to do or how to do it then the answers will ( mostly ) come. How And Why A Set Of Man Rules Can Help You Attract Women.

Less work.

Less thinking.

No scheming.

No games.

Building an attraction which can work with lots of women and lasts a lifetime because less work with women means more time to enjoy BEING with them.

That’s my attitude.

When a woman flakes out on us, of course we can learn from it.

We can try to avoid it in the future.

Learn what signs to look for so we can avoid the women who are more likely to flake.

We can also give them more memorable first impressions with real phone numbers so when we do set up a date she going to make sure she doesn’t miss it.

BUT…

HOW we respond must be simple.

Something she doesn’t expect or normally get.

And I’ve found having or growing an Alpha Attitude takes care of that for us, this is when and if we know what being Alpha really is.

Before you go and ever try to punish a woman for flaking, or to play a game with her thinking that’ll solve your Ego or her flaky problem, consider everything you’ve read today and do what I’ve done which seems to work wonders… less work, more attraction.

Thank you! Peter White. My goal is to show you how it’s possible to meet, attract, and date the woman of your dreams. Join me below, visit my DiaLTeG Facebook Fan Page, and FOLLOW ME on Twitter for more great advice on how to become a more attractive man with my Nice Guy Approach.

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19 comments… add one
  • Liquid Snake

    All of this is pure non sense. Both parties should walk into any potential relationship with their best foot forward. This means not flaking. If you hit a dog with a stick and it bites you – you can’t say “Well, I don’t want this dog anymore – it bit me.” Your flaking actions provoked a harsh response, and this lets the woman off the hook for accountability.

    This subconscious mumbo jumbo is really just self sabotaging behavior for women. If women knew how to pick a decent guy, there wouldn’t be so many articles on it or lovelorn women out there. They insist on playing games, pushing all decent guys out, shacking up with whoevers left and being unsatisfied with the guy they got with. It’s a self inflicted cycle of perpetual angst.

    Furthermore, what guarantee do you have that if you play it cool, another date will happen. I’ve been strung along for months “playing it cool” When I should have just called the girl out on her bullshit and moved on. I’m okay now since that girl has a baby, and the guy left her – she didn’t flake on the wrong guy, she flaked on all the right ones.

    • The problem is, women flake for lots of reasons and it’s not always what you think.

      Sure they might flake on what you would called the “wrong guy” but chances are she bailed out because she wasn’t feeling attracted or the date was setup so badly she knew she wasn’t going to show up anyways. I wouldn’t call her a flake there. She was just agreeing to get the guy away from her.

      Playing it cool doesn’t guarantee another date BUT it does set up a strong position that our lives are not based on whether or not she is a flake.

      If you’ve been strung along for months “playing it cool” then how is that HER fault?

      Nowhere above does it say to let a woman walk all over you or to allow yourself to be strung along. I’d say if this is or was a consistent problem then you’re not creating attraction or given women a good enough reason to even show up on the first date anyways.

      I’ve known women to flake out for reasons which go beyond what most guys would consider… bad hair day, having a period, not feeling social, long day at work, doesn’t know what to wear, doesn’t trust herself to not have sex with a guy, etc… I believe you’re getting the picture here. Again, how are those problems deserving of a harsh response.

      If you want to hold women accountable for every action or treat them like “dogs” when they screw up, that’s your deal. If you want to pick up women who only appear to push out the decent guys, that’s your problem, not theirs.

      Yes. I agree there are lots of “damaged” women out there who make bad choices and continue to do the same thing over and over again BUT there are just as many men who are just as bad or worse because they blame their lack of success on somebody else.

      Women flake. It’s a fact. Women have trouble reading lots of guys. That’s a fact too.

      My advice is to not bully women and accept that shit happens and until you’re absolutely positive why it happened, getting all bent and angry over a woman who won’t bend over to your command, is a waste of time and energy.

      Listen… If she flakes because she can’t remember a simple date and you don’t want a woman like that… by all means drop her number and move on.

      BUT I would never place blame, categorize all women to be the same, or demean women just because you’ve had a bad go with it and want to take it out on them. You have to own up to your responsibility and take a closer look at how you’re getting numbers, how you’re getting dates, where you’re taking them, how you’re creating attraction, where you’re meeting these flakes, AND the type of women you’re interested in who apparently only string you along because you let them.

      Pete

      • Liquid Snake

        The length of your comment proves you know little to nothing about women in general. 1st you’re blaming men for not creating enough attraction, this is why she flakes – this is simply to sell whatever it is you’re pushing. You can have the best game in the world, and once she leaves your sight be distracted by something else.
        Since you’re a master at creating attraction that means no woman has ever flaked on you right??? I’m not going to introspect myself for anything that I do regarding a woman’s stupid behavior – it’s pointless. People see and hear what they want from other people. I’m good looking, speak 2 languages, 5’11, world traveled and college educated, with a nice car and job. If a bitch wants to flake – especially if she isn’t as good looking as me or as educated – then I don’t need to do any introspection. We can’t blame ourselves for everything, or keep constantly tweaking ourselves until we’re just right. Acknowledge your shortcomings, fix what you can and get over what you can’t. Women are as far from perfect as you can get regardless of how much make-up she puts on – once you get to know them. I also have a life so I can’t spend all day dwelling in neurosis about what I did or didn’t do right or wrong creating attraction in a capricious woman.

        2nd you’re letting flaking women off the hook for being disrespectful. You’re making a ton of excuses for why they flaked. Most flakes come down to “I don’t feel like it”.You have to look at it like a job, if someone doesn’t show up to the initial interview, would you hire them? It all goes back to positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement. If ALL guys called women on their shit, instead of writing noodle spine articles making excuses for them then they wouldn’t flake so often.

        Flaking on a 1st date is not a big deal since it happens, nor should a person get bent out of shape about it, although I understand it can be disappointing. But after 2 or 3 dates and tentative plans are made, then last minute flaking is unacceptable. REMEMBER, the man has absolutely no power before you have sex with her, so you are completely at her whim. These date(s) are to get the ball rolling so you can eventually have sex. Flaked dates break forward momentum PERIOD.

        “Strung along” means I didn’t get upset or drop a bitch in HOPES of eventually getting a date. So when she called me again and again to make plans, I was up for it.
        She kept flaking on me, and I kept giving her a chance. Is that my fault??? No – I’m a red blooded virile American man, who wants to have sex. It’s her fault for not coming through.

        If you want to read the chapter about flaking in my book – let me know, I’ll send you the pages. It is “In-Lightning”

        I’m sure no one agreed with this article since I’m the only one who commented.

        • AV

          Can you send me the chapter for your book? This girl flaked out at the last minute, said she had to go to a friends party, as she doesn’t get to see him often cause’ he lives out of town. I guess its a sincere excuse, yet she came up with the excuse of being too tired cause she just went to the gym when we had agreed to go out the first time. I kinda flaked on her too after we rescheduled the second time for the first date, texted her the next day that my phone had died. She texted the night before saying”I know its late”. Meaning she had got back from the gym late. I forgot about her, then she texted me out of the blue a week ago and again I told her I could not meet that Friday night, and rescheduled for Saturday. So, we went out on a first date. Should I ignore her, or text her that “I went out anyway with friends, and had such a blast I stayed up all night”?

  • Rob

    1/5 dates flake… shit happens. Even the best PUA / masters get flaked, really the sooner you get over it and deal with it like a man, the better off you are. Set yourself a bloody limit, allow a 2nd flake but not a third. I wouldn’t close the deal on a first flake… go do something else, have fun, call a few friends and have a beer and/or play video games. Do work, something else. Also if you suspect flaking, you can save yourself the trip (and money + added annoyance) by texting her like 1h before letting her know you’ll be running late e.g. 10 minutes. If she wants to flake, offer a window of opportunity for her to jump through: it’ll at least mitigate the risk somewhat.

    • Well said Rob and I love the advice… “if you suspect flaking, you can save yourself the trip … by texting her like 1h before letting her know you’ll be running late e.g. 10 minutes. If she wants to flake, offer a window of opportunity for her to jump through: it’ll at least mitigate the risk.”

      Perfect and thanks for sharing it,

      Pete

  • Woman's Perspective

    Oddly enough I ended up reading this and the comments as I have been dealing with Men Flaking.. Or slow fading… Or ghosting… Or being the opposite of an Alpha Male/take charge.. Pursues you, get you then flake on you type of guy.

    And no I did not sleep with him after several dates. I find it interesting though that the same advice given to women for the flakey men is the same given to men for flakey women.

    I am not flakey, I truly believe there are arrogant people out there both men and women .. That have such self centred attitudes that this flakiness shows up and shows their true colours .. I don’t think either are being honest with themselves at all and it messes up the other party. All we can do is what for red flags, play it cool, not get sucked in by the drama and move on. If they (men & women) are worth it people will step up.

    As a women I don’t want to be smothered but I can
    Smell bullshit a mile away and it shows up pretty quickly when you are the normal one.

    “Sell crazy someplace else lady we are all stocked up here” ….. Jack Nicholson movie I can’t rmbr the name of lol
    ….. Next.
    Guys. Be real… Be nice to women.. Just don’t be a door mat. That goes for ladies too. We love strong nice men with good morales and good values :* at least that is just imho.

  • Vice Lifestyle

    From my own experience I agree 100% with Liquid Snake. I tell you, the guy that wrote this article doesn’t know shit. She flakes once, fine. Twice, ok still play it cool, things happen. But three? Four? The woman is either demonstrating that its not important to her or she has problems with herself. If someone wants to see you, they do it. What she is doing is a complete lack of respect on her part. Oh, I was too tired, something came up, sorry, blah blah blah. I can understand waiting a long time for a bitch with this happening. It sucks. I too speak two languages, own my own company, handsome, weightlifter, not tall but whatever, nice car and this happens. Yes I have made the mistake of blowing my top, but she provoked it on a bad day of mine and I really made the effort to see her. No normal man can wait forever for one bitch. My advice… she flakes continuously, just wait if she’s the only woman you got going for you hahaha. Otherwise to you F yourself like I did that time haha. It’s all about sex in the end my friends and that’s the truth.

    • It’s apparent neither one of you actually read, or understood the article. Whether I know shit or not is debatable because to each their own and yes, I have no way of guaranteeing “how” you interpret my words.

      Let me quote the actual advice written above unedited, unchanged from day one:

      “The real Alpha Male doesn’t let it affect him either way. He’s not driven by her actions. He’s not easily upset or feels like he must play a game to get his point across.”

      “Do as little as you can to attract a woman. Being a dick is hard work. Too much drama and definitely way too much bullshit to deal with. Playing a game is also a lot of work. Too much thinking, planning, etc… And it usually only leads to more game playing. Again, a lot of freaking work.
      The best option is to simply act from a real Alpha Playbook with a calm cool collected attitude towards women.”

      I also don’t recall telling any man to wait around forever or “ever” for a woman who is constantly flaking. I simply gave some valid real reasons why women flake.

      Sometimes it’s a test.

      Sometimes it’s her.

      Sometimes it’s because she wasn’t into us that much in the first place.

      I then offered a “broad pen” approach to either get past her early flakiness without getting upset which has worked for me extremely well. (In the past) I would let it get to me and it was because I was a loser with women. They flaked on me because they were not really interested in me anyways. So I changed that. 😉

      However, after doing the work I needed to do on myself still ran into a few flakes but then, they were flaking for different reasons. Some because they WERE flakes, and a few because it was a test they give to the countless men who were asking them out or all over their asses on a daily basis. It was their way of separating the guys she would date from the guys she wouldn’t. (Whether you believe her tests are a good thing or not is opinion.)

      It’s all good though because it’s this kind of debating which brings us to better conclusions and real applicable advice.

      What Rob wrote was great. What the woman’s comment was also good and it’s great to hear the “other” side because guys flake on woman too.

      I also love what Snake wrote above, “the man has absolutely no power before you have sex with her, so you are completely at her whim. ” Although I don’t agree that it’s all about sex. With some women, yes, it is. But others, to achieve some healthy happy balance, sex is a piece.

      Again, thanks to everyone for sharing.

      Pete

  • Sienna

    I agree with Pete and think that you were not taking the advice for what it was. When a guy or girl flakes, you just go on with your life and don’t make a big production of it like texting him or her/ calling him/ her out on it etc. Just go out live your life and continue dating others, hanging with friends, work, family but don’t put much stock in what he/she is doing.. If they are truly interested, they will come back around and if you still want to go out then just don’t freak out about it and be your normal awesome self. I’ve actually been in a situation exactly like this where a man I dated for around a month basically just stopped calling and I knew he was still into me, but had just recently separated and was going through a divorce.. I didn’t know what happened, didn’t text or call him and just went on with my life.. We would run into each other sometimes and both were always pleasant to one another and he would always mention how he wanted to see me again and I’d say sure, just give me a call. Well long story short he was just not emotionally ready to have a relationship at the time we met and he needed to work through the loss of his marriage, family, kids etc and yes he would be flaky and say he was going to call and didn’t but it wasn’t intentional or game playing he was just struggling and at the time he’d see me he meant what he said and wanted to see me, but life got in the way.. Once his life did calm down and he was ready, this man came back for good and is the most amazing man I’ve ever known.. Sometimes people are dealing with things and in the moment they do want to see you and have a relationship, but life and responsibilities can get in the middle of all of it and maybe you flake and it’s not meant as a test or a game, but just life..

    • Liquid Snake

      I don’t mean to come down harsh Sienna, but I believe breaking people down and exposing the gooey insides is the best way to get to the truth. I’m glad your relationship worked out, but a man can’t wait around for a woman to come to their senses (as you did with your beux). Time is the only true currency we all have. Women are to be pursued, and as such will have many men chasing after them….even if they are mildly attractive. They can accept a flake from a guy one day…..then go on another date with a different guy that wants them tomorrow. Men are pursuers, and a flake means waiting, or initiating another pursuit from scratch with a different woman…..which could be another flake

      I don’t think guys flaking on females holds the same weight as the opposite. Really all a woman has to do is show up, and decide if this is gonna work out or not. A guy has to plan, pay, and try to persuade her to give him more chances.
      Any guy that flakes on a female, may not be that interested….because best case scenario he could have sex with her. That’s why I never flake.

  • Sienna

    You definitely have a point Liquid Snake that it’s more difficult from a guy’s perspective with flaky girls as you are normally pursuers and the pressure is on for men. I also agree that in most cases men won’t flake at least not in the beginning as the goal is normally to have sex, so you would need to show up for that to happen. The flaking for men normally comes after the sex, as in most cases they need to decide if they want to continue because here is where a relationship might begin and if they are not ready for it, they start to pull away and become flaky. That was the case with my beau as well, he knew where it was leading and wasn’t ready .. If the chemistry and attractions is there, the main issue for most is timing when it comes to relationships which if not right will always bring out the flakiness in everyone. Well good luck to all and here’s hoping for less flakes in the world of dating ..

  • harry

    i dont understand… if a woman flakes, just get another one; there’s always a better looking, sexier, tighter girl down the street. forget about any woman being special, no girl is – concentrate on becoming a guy no girl can flake and then have your pick. in my early 20’s i’d chase a girl, even avarage ones, to the end to the world just for a date, let alone score… now, it’s become very industrial, i dont wait for women to test me, i test them instead with a few pointed seemingly harmless questions to know if she’s a ‘bundle of stress’ or a time waster.. if she is always whinning (50%), emotionally unstable (like 80% of them) or just interested in my money (90%), no amount of beauty or sexiness will spare her my swift axe – if my intention is to sleep with a girl and that does not happen within a week, she will wonder why i suddenly went mute. of course a few i choose as freinds but i limit those
    I worked very very very hard to turn my life around, i slept 8 hours friday while my pals went clubbing fridays and chase ‘club girls (who go to the club to be laid but play hard to get when approached) so i could work and plan my weeks on sartudays, i exercise alot, i have a great body, not very cute but doing financially well so dress very well, very well educated.. that’s 2/3 and it’s something 70% of women i meet cant resist… quete frankly i have never met a guy who dated, sorry slept with cuter chics as i did, no gloating, im very serious, i really had cute ones – yet in my early 20’s i couldnt get even the ugly ones!
    What i have learnt is this.. no girl is too good to keep you waiting as she makes up her mind (beleive me, it’s almost impossible to tell them apart with their clothes off) – it a girl is unsure about you, it’s a silent messege that you dont want to admit – you aint that cool man, number two, it’s never about the girls, it’s always about you.. if you are cool, they will flock, if they are not flocking well stop chasing start working on yourself; there are things like height, race, and to some extent your looks that you cant change, but there so many other things you can improve on and have you pick of girls

  • David

    For me it never mattered what the woman did. The only thing I have regretted is my reaction to what she does. If she flaked and I ripped back I always felt I let myself down. The only time I have felt good was when I accepted what she did and consider if the situation was worth trying again. If I sensed it was worth another try then I did. I have reacted both negative and positive when hit with a flake. The results were unpredictable. She offered to try again or not. So it didn’t matter what she did and I couldn’t control the next step. I did learn what it took to feel good about myself. I learned not to flake or react back at her. I learned from the poem Desiderata. “As far as possible without surrender
    be on good terms with all persons.” I do have a question to pose to the experienced daters. Do you honestly remember the girls that turned you down? Isn’t it funny how it isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things. I can tell you I don’t remember all the names of the ones that declined or had a change of heart. I do remember the ones that accepted the date. Best of luck to all. Be well.

  • Janik

    Time is not a woman’s friend.
    She flakes: next her and move on (generally speaking of course).
    As time goes on, she will get less & less opportunities to flake on and in the end, she’ll wonder where all the good men went but you’ll have moved on to younger, tighter and better pastures.
    Men age like wine, women age like milk, as simple as that.

    PS: Leykis 101 works.

  • Mike

    A friend of mine flaked on me so I cut her loose we still chat now n then after she tried to beg me to come over when I ignored her and told her she won’t hear from again and now she is constantly trying to get power over me she tells me she wants me all the time but then gets back with her ex! He cheats on her a lot.. so I cut contact and she panicked and texts me she wants me to go round etc but after the flake I friend zoned her and refused her now we are fading out as friends but every now and then she will try and get my attention so I give her a little attention but still refuse to see her lol what she hates is the fact I get attention of other women and I go see them and if any woman flakes just once who isn’t a friend I cut them loose straight away and delete their number etc and move on it’s the best policy why chase when you don’t need to there are plenty of women out there. My worst was 50 women in a row flaked in 2 month but hey who cares I was onto next and I still went out and got 1 night stands with strangers so it’s no problem!

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