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What NOT To Do When A Woman Flakes Out On You

Flaking out or having a woman flake out on you generally means she agrees to go out with you for a date but backs out within hours or continually does it to you –  leaving indefinitely “you on the hook”.

It can also mean getting her number and when you try to get in touch with her, she ignores it and doesn’t get back to you ever again.

It sucks, that I understand.

Nothing can piss you off more than going through all the work of meeting a woman, capturing her interest, getting the number, and then asking for a date ONLY to be “blown off” and have her flake out – or in the worst case scenario – not answer her phone or text message when you try for the first time.

There are many different opinions on how to handle a woman when she acts this way which makes this problem somewhat EASY to deal with BUT it can also make it very confusing as to choosing which is the right one for you.

They are:

  • Get mad or angry and call her out on it. Asking her why or make her feel bad for doing it. Basically being rude to let her know you’re pissed and you didn’t appreciate what she did to you.
  • Seek revenge or play a game with her. This is where when she finally agrees to meet up and you blow her off. Or you just continually leave her hanging on the rope. Telling her you’re busy but you’re trying to free up some time.
  • You can ignore it. Pretend as if you didn’t even realize she flaked out. You can act like you don’t even care or it’s not a big deal. It happens. You make another date and try again “hoping” she doesn’t do it again.

On top of HOW you choose to respond or react to her flake you can also assure it doesn’t happen in the first place. There are certain things you can do which will make it far less likely to happen.

The inherent problem with trying to make sure it doesn’t happen is that the more you date, the more likely it’s going to come about AND women WILL flake.

It’s kind of a guarantee of dating depending on how many dates with different women you go out with AND how you’re getting their information.

Here’s what you should NOT do when a woman flakes out on you:

Get angry with her and call her out on it.

Sure it might feel good to get it off your chest but it won’t solve anything.

Think about how you got her number.

Think about all the reasons why she would flake out.

Think about it from her point of view and just realize – it DOES and WILL happen.

I had a friend who would always choose this option. He was a cool guy but with an angry streak inside. His eyes lit up when I let him in on a little secret because surprisingly enough, and if you knew the dude you’d understand this point – he actually listed to my opinion.

I asked him directly,

“What’s the real problem here? Women flaking out on you making you feel like you’re wasting time with those as you called ‘bitches’ OR that you’re getting all these dates that are leading nowhere because so many of them are flaking out on you? HOW exactly are you getting their numbers? How and where are you meeting them? What’s the one consistent thing that is happening during the information exchange leading to women flaking out on you?”

We discussed it a little and I pointed out that number one – getting angry is fine. Shit happens and you’re going to get pissed from time to time.

However how you choose to channel that anger is more important.

Instead of channeling his anger for good – he would just push it on someone else and he justified it by releasing it on the person who he felt deserved it.

The flaky woman.

Number 2. I reminded him that we learned from the same book and I asked him why he didn’t take away the same advice as me.

Here’s the exact quote pointed below from David DeAngelo’s Advanced Dating Techniques program. This is what David would say to women while setting up a date:

Setting Up the Relationship Correctly

“‘Flaky-ness is a pet peeve of mine. On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely are you to flake or call and change our plans?’  

If you hear anything but “I’ll be there for sure”, then cancel and say, “Let’s do it another time.”

Taken directly from Advanced Dating Techniques on workbook page 58.

Affiliated link to a highly acclaimed dating package and NOT the actual workbook.

You can sign up for David’s highly recommended newsletter here – Double Your Dating for great advice or sign up first for some free stuff: Launch Your Love Life.

Notice what he says and the exact conditions he gives on how to respond,

If you hear anything but “I’ll be there for sure”, then cancel and say, “Let’s do it another time.”

He was shown exactly how to decrease the chance of it happening but chose not to do so because he felt more justified giving a woman a simple test of her character as noted in the next quote below.

He reasoned,

“This is MY test for her. If she cancels or flakes out then I know she’s not good for me. I’ll know without a doubt she’s not the type of woman I am looking for anyways.”

You must admit he had a point. Women test us all the time and why shouldn’t we test them back on their character.

BUT once again we come back to the real issues here.

He’s meeting lots of women and getting lots of dates and not many of them are working out. He’s wasting valuable time and calling out a woman for doing something which is really not that bad at all when and if you understand ALL the reasons why a women will flake on a guy.

He set up a pattern of negativity, disappointment, anger, revenge, and then hits the NEXT button; all amounting to him not getting to know lots of women better and wasting valuable time and effort just because he feels justified in testing women back.

Might I add in a way which is not a true test of character.

Hey, if you’re going to do what women do to test guys – MAKE DAMN SURE you’re just as good at them as doing it or else it will fail and only become a test of YOUR character, not hers.

Here’s the new quote on tests a woman will give you to see how much “Control of HIMSELF” a guy has:

How and Why Women Test Men

“How do women test for these things? (control of HIMSELF) By challenging, pushing men to wits end, changing plans at the last minute, playing hard to get, being demanding, and expecting special treatment.”

Also taken directly from Advanced Dating Techniques workbook page 58.

Notice how her test of character worked way better than his and in the end, he made the decision for her by acting out. He proved to lots of women he had absolutely no control of himself.

His first “go to” mode was to get angry and seek revenge.

You can see now what NOT to do when a woman flakes out… Get angry or seek revenge.

Neither tactic works in your favor and only proves to others you struggle handling your anger and justify its means by any way which suits your particular reasoning and limited belief system.

Next choice or option when it comes to a woman flaking out comes from a reader who offered his opinion with the added question of what I thought about it. This is what he did when a woman flaked out on him:

“If she is interested in you, but cancels the third date to test you, how would you handle it? I simply refuse to contact with her and when she sent a text massage, I ignored for four days to show her to stop her silly games. What do you think?”

He decided to play her back or seek revenge. Similar to the first case but without the anger. His tactic was to play with her a little so she’ll “get the hint’ and not do it again.

Here’s how that all plays out and also become something you should NOT do when a woman flakes out.

First of all, if she doesn’t know how you responded she won’t know WHY you’re doing it which makes your “punishment” fairly useless. Some women will get it but why trust she’ll make the connection when there’s better ways  in dealing with a “flaky” dating situation.

It’s like he’s punishing not unlike punishing a dog for peeing in the corner five hours later. Not saying women are like dogs but five hours later, or waiting days to respond, which one would ever know why they were being punished in the first place.

And secondly, seriously, PUNISHMENT to another adult you’re dating seems like a very childish thing to do.

Because he failed her flake test he proved to her several things:

  • He has a revenge tactic mentality.
  • He’s first response when bad things happen is to become passive aggressive. He chooses to disappear or avoid the problem at hand instead of dealing with it in a mature adult way.
  • He actually believes he has the right to punish another human being he’s dating. Almost like he NEEDS to be in control over another person, in this case a woman’s actions.

Add it all up and you get a passive aggressive man who hides his anger. Who feels the need to control a woman. Who feel justified in punishing someone else when he does not have that right.

AND that his first recourse under duress is a lack of real control of himself and a childish mentality to boot.

Proving to her without a doubt that since he can not manage his own emotions – he will NEVER be able to handle her emotions.

Which if we’re to agree on anything here is that women have a far greater range, complexity, and frequency of emotions than most men will ever experience.

Let’s take a little detour and talk about the very common third date flake test or test in general and what they actually do for women.

A woman’s test is often a subconscious act which is derived from her experiences and are designed to do several things.

One, to gauge your character, to see if you really are the person you claim to be.

Two, gather your response to an outside source which again shows her your true character and three, the lesser known one – to protect her from emotional and physical harm.

We can all assume the third date has an added pressure to it because it’s the most likely date where SEX is going to happen. That’s not based solely on a rule, just a more predictable thing to happen based on how many times a woman and a man meets each other.

Quick and deep connection you’ll get this test on possibly the first or second date. Light and short connections may take five or six dates before it happens.

Again it’s just a probability thing but it doesn’t take away from the fact that when you add more probable sex to a date – so to does the odds of a woman flaking out on it.

Remember the third reason why a test happens – to protect her from emotional and physical harm; then you must also understand why she’s more likely to avoid the third date thus explaining why the third date flake is the most common.

Her reasons are varied but with the added pressure of sex comes many problems giving a woman every reason to cancel or to claim,

“Sorry, but something else suddenly came up.”

That “something else” can just as easily be:

  • How she think she looks that day.
  • How she feels about herself that day.
  • Does she feel attractive.
  • Is she bloated?
  • Are you worth having sex with?
  • Will you just sleep with her and never call again?

And the list continues on and on causing her to question whether she should delay the date or cancel entirely.

By the way – I have a huge page on a woman’s test right here:  Understanding A Woman’s Test and How To Pass Them.

Please bookmark it and read it later.

Understanding all that – how reasonable is it to seek revenge or get angry with a woman just because she flaked out?

Just something to think about before we move on.

Now that you understand what NOT to do when a woman flakes and a little of how to assure it’s less likely to happen, how her tests are designed or derive from, plus how you respond or react to her flakiness reveals just what type of person you are and what it CAN mean when you act negatively after it happens…

What IS your BEST option when a woman DOES flake out on you?

Her Not There Flaking Out

Truth be told, I had little experience with women flaking out on me for one sad reason – I just wasn’t getting enough dates. Once that all changed, suddenly I was faced head-on with this problem.

I went from being hurt to being angry to feeling like giving up altogether. I took it as a huge sign they were not the type of women I wanted in my life.

So I put my nose high up in the air and thought “screw her then… bitch!”

I did pretty much what those others guys did for a while and of course had my own reasoning or excuses to back up why I was acting that way to women.

But you know what? It just didn’t FEEL right. Something was missing and since it wasn’t working I needed a new plan of action.

So I reached out to a friend and here’s what he so eloquently and simply stated:

“Do nothing!

Act like it didn’t even happen. Don’t even shake your head at her in disgust.

If you have to, pretend you didn’t even notice she had flaked out. You can even bust her ass a little but mainly – as far as you’re concerned –

“We were supposed to meet up? Ooops! My bad.”

That friend was the infamous Carlos Xuma.

Reluctantly it sounded a little too easy but since nothing else worked, I figured I’d give it a try.

Luckily (or unluckily) the first opportunity to try his advice came quickly on a new year’s eve party where I  was “supposed” to hook up with a girl…

And she flaked out on me giving some lame excuse which was not even worth registering in my brain that evening.

However, she did come to me at a later date to offer a real apology and with Carlos in my head I said this,

“Hey…No problem. I ended up meeting a few friends that night and one thing led to another… I got home around four-thirty in the morning… we had a great time.”

Her response was simply amazing because it reminded me of something Manri Kinrys wrote:

“When a woman likes a man there is no way she would cancel plans on him for something else.

AND if she does cancel she will make certain they have concrete plans in the future.”

Why Women Flake And Exactly What To Do

This girl began rattling off dates to hook up again. She began kissing my ass. She was acting borderline desperate to make it up to me.

You see to her, a guy who is not affected by her moods or whatever she is doing, was not even close to the type of guy she was used to dealing with before.

Since, as I found out later, she was quite the unreliable girl she had lots of experience with the guys she blew off. Some threw fits. Some got angry. Some even begged her not to flake out on again and how it pissed them off.

But not one of them acted or reacted in the way I was shown to do and it made a huge shift in our relationship.

Sure it didn’t work out but that didn’t matter. Why it didn’t work had nothing to do with her flakiness or me just getting angry and vengeful.

However it did prove to me how by doing nothing, acting like it didn’t happen, understanding why it might happen, and how if it is a test, I can pass it like no other guy she might’ve met before… assured it’s far less likely to happen again.

I wasn’t hurt. I wasn’t angry. I didn’t get all hell bent doing something I’d regret later.

It came and went and it really felt like it left me better off than where I had started.

I felt smarter and stronger and definitely more attractive to her and the next women who came my way – flakers or not.

That and much more came to me as a result of the combination of my experiences with women, their tests, flaky women, Carlos Xuma and David DeAngelo (the two guys I personally learned from) which led to me making a dating slash attraction rule for myself – and for the fact I guess I’m a pretty lazy dude…

Do as little as you can to attract a woman.

Being a dick is freaking hard-ass work. Too much drama and definitely way too much bullshit to deal with from it all.

Playing a game is also a lot of work. Too much thinking, planning, etc…

And it usually only leads to more game playing.

Again, a lot of freaking work.

The best option is to simply act from a real “Alpha Playbook” with “Mature Man” traits so develop and grow a calm cool collected attitude towards women.

Here is a short explanation of what being alpha really is: What The Alpha Male Is And Why It Helps You Attract Women. Written of course by Carlos Xuma.

No scheming. Less thinking. No freaking mind games.

For complete help on being a real mature may, I’d suggest you go through this series designed by my other teacher, David DeAngelo immediately:

Click Here to Watch The Intro Of – On Being A Man – otherwise coined as: “The Secret Reason Some Men Have So Much Success With Women Without Even Trying… While Most Of Us Struggle And Fail.”

You can start building an attraction which can work with lots of women and last a lifetime because less work with women means more time to enjoy BEING with them.

That’s my attitude.

When a woman flakes out on us, of course we can learn from it.

We can try to avoid it in the future.

We can definitely learn what signs to look for so we can avoid the women who are more likely to flake if that’s our goal.

We can also give them more memorable first impressions with real phone numbers so when we do set up a date she’s going to make sure she doesn’t miss it. Which by far is the best option because we’re acting pro-active.


HOW we respond must be simple and easy to execute.

Something she doesn’t expect or normally get from “other” guys.

I’ve found having or growing and building an Alpha Attitude takes care of all that for us so we become less concerned with knowing what to do in every situation with women and just becomes a part of who we are.

That way again, we spend less time thinking about what to do and more time just enjoying our time.

Here’s MY great page to explain the attitude with lots of details and tips:

How You Can Develop Your Personality & Be A Real Mysterious Alpha Male

Before you go and try to punish a woman for flaking, or to play a game with her thinking that’ll solve your Ego or her flaky problem, consider everything you’ve read today on what to do what NOT to do and hopefully you’ll soon see how less work AND more attraction is by far the BEST choice you can make.

Let me know how it goes for you below.

Thanks for stopping by and I do sincerely hope you’ve been shown something today you can use in the future and in all you interactions/dating/relationship with women.

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About the author: Hey I’m Pete – (Peter White) – I run whydoguys.com for women and DiaLteG TM for guys like you. I know WOMEN and what it’s going to take to get you the woman of your dreams. It’s a lot easier than you think – so stop thinking so much and start DOING what it takes because the answer you seek is right here.

Please LIKE or SHARE my Facebook fan pages: DiaLteG TM OR JOIN the best group on women at Why Do Chics…?. Find and follow me on Twitter – Peter White.

The article is posted in these Categories: Dating – Advice, Tips, How To Enjoy and Have Better Dates, Techniques – Gaining The Skills To Create Attraction & Build Connections, Women Will Forever Test You – Pass Them Easily & You Will Attract Her

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25 comments… add one
  • AlphaM

    Spot on!!

  • FreeFred

    This is all well and true, but, off-topic; if we are going to continuously let women get the pussy pass on everything, then we should consider rolling back the whole equality thing. Otherwise we are encouraging bad behavior, as we’ve done for decades now. And if their bad behavior is “subconscious,” well, then that’s all the reason we need. Think about it gents, onward and upward.

    • Thanks for sharing Fred – I’m not saying they should get a “pussy pass” on everything. Merely explained the flaking problem compartmentalized as best as I could.

      I try to see women as adults who can and should be expected to handle their own lives – what you might be suggesting sounds like they should be treated like children with the “encouraging bad behavior” line or that perhaps we have been doing it all along, which might explain the current trends.

      Either way – I appreciate you took the time to write in. Very cool.

  • Eminent

    I really don’t like the idea to act as nothing would have happened. Not expressing your emotions towards a women is often just weakness.
    To cancel without a really good reason like an emergency shouldn’t be accepted and the girl doesn’t deserve your time. I don’t feel it’s necessarily about getting the girl. Its more about to beware your self worth and stick to your values. Its the easiet way to filter. I in general tell them i didn’t like what they did and I tell them there is no space for people with that kind behaviour in my live if it goes too far.
    Often i am done with them after letting them know. If they feel really sorry and show interest afterwards and i believe them to be honest. I sometimes change my mind.

    • Thanks for sharing – much appreciated. To each his own and if it’s working for you – cool – great to hear.

      • Wheaton

        If a girl cancels on me with some notice, it isn’t a problem. Sometimes I don’t feel like doing things and cancel too. But if she puts out a vibe that resembles anything along the lines of playing games or a lack of integrity. She can kick rocks. Maybe for some, like the dude who wrote the article. He is willing to ignore red flags that indicate poor character, but this will likely lead to problems down the road. Maybe you’ll have kids with her and she’ll start to flake on you and them. Next thing she’s moving out into another dudes house and you now have to go through an expensive divorce etc and give her half your wealth. Maybe that’s a worst case scenario but I know my character and integrity. I don’t know there’s. And my actions aren’t about proving myself. It’s about deciding whether or not they are a quality mate. Flaking is a big red flag.

        • Thanks Wheaton and yes – that is certainly the worst case scenario or a bit extreme going from “flaker” to landing on some other dude’s house and an expensive divorce.

          I’d have to say that 99.999% of the time – there was something more going sinister on in those cases, which had little to do with her “flakiness”.

          I DO like how your actions are not about proving yourself. It’s a great attitude to have.

          BUT – we’re all not perfect, right. We all make little mistakes. We all screw up once in a while just the same as we are all good and great at other things.

          My point is: What if all women acted like you and treated every minor flaw or mistake of yours, as a way of instantly determining your character? One wrong move and you’re done. Wouldn’t seem fair or justified? It would appear judgmental, rude, and opinionated from your point of view.

          Okay – we can argue that some women DO that already. I’m sure that’s the case BUT many of them are bitter, alone, judgmental, man-haters, overly-opinionated and unjustifiably rude. SO you wouldn’t want THEM anyways.

          It’s good to see you’re prioritizing and you’re qualifying women for quality. And if flaking is a big one for you – then who am I to oppose or object to how you live your life.

          Hell it’s not like you’re being unreasonable, that’s for sure. you seem to have a good handle on the severity of the flake and you do draw the line intelligently.

          Thanks for sharing your view – always great to from other guys on all these subjects.

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