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Why Women Are NOT Attracted to Nice Guys and What You Can Do About It

Nice Guy Heart image

The Definition Of Nice and How The Modern World Defines Nice…

Are you nice?

Be honest now.

Then again, if you’re not being completely honest with me, then I suppose you’re not nice. Right? 🙂

Yes. It’s true, “NICE” has been given a bad rap.

Nice implies you let people walk all over you. How you’re afraid of confrontation. How you’ll always lose, never win, and no matter how nice you are, you will ALWAYS finish last.

It does not go without saying that women ARE NOT ATTRACTED to guys who let others walk all over them. They are NOT attracted to guys who have fears which revolve around socializing and so avoid confrontation on all levels.

Whether or not they are attracted to losers seems to be a matter of opinion BUT with regards to attracting more women despite your niceness, it just goes to show you how little emphasis can and must be placed on what you do or even how you do it.

There are women who are attracted to guys that always finish last because hey, at least they’re trying or doing something. If the guy is doing something, has a life, and it does not revolve around women (most of the time) then there a lots of women that will accept ANYTHING a guy does depending on age and circumstance of course.

We can go either way on all this. We can argue all you want on what being nice really is and relate it to attracting women. It’s “all been done”.

Which leads me to this very clear answer and the number 1 reason why women are NOT attracted to NICE guys…

Being nice has little or nothing to do with attraction.

There. I said it. Have a “nice day” 😀

Okay, seriously now.

“Nice” comes with baggage and the word has come to represent more than it deserves so why bother relating to it at all except through a few explanations and a means to define your luck with women.

You can NOT nice a woman into feeling attraction for you and the harder you try the more damage you’ll do.

You can not CONVINCE her by any means to feel something for you.

You can NOT BE the exact definition of “niceness” and have much success with attracting the women you really do want. You’ll encounter this old problem way too much…

“The ones who want me, I don’t want and the ones I want don’t want me.”

*You can find a much better explanation of that at Why Do Guys…? Why The Guys You Like Don’t Want You But You Don’t Want The Ones Who Do and incidentally, I would read lots of the comments by women there. You’ll learn a lot about what women respond to there. I promise and don’t be afraid to leave your own opinion.


What Is Really Wrong With Being Nice?

There are people who are smarter than me. People who have done this sort of thing, either longer and/or better than who I turn to in support of my opinions. Call it my scientific background or my analytical mind.

This is just ONE of my favorite articles by written y Scot McKay. A reliable expert in the field of dating, attraction, relationships, and people:

All it takes is DECONSTRUCTING exactly WHY “Mr. Nice Guy” loses with women.

First, this guy typically has a sexual “agenda” with women that a sense of personal shame keeps under wraps.

Thinking he’d scare women away were he an “oppressive sexual threat“, he dares not portray himself as a masculine presence.

Strike one. “Neuter” doesn’t attract.

Next, “Mr. Nice Guy” is usually out to IMPRESS women by buying them stuff, doing endless favors, etc.

Strike two. He wouldn’t do that for anyone other than a “hottie”, so no woman can trust him. Inspiring confidence and thereby instilling security in a woman is therefore an impossibility.

(And I mean really…it comes off kind of like that guy in the store who keeps calling you “sir” even though you’re sure his demeanor is completely different when he’s off the clock, right?)

Finally, being “extra nice” is usually a direct symptom of being needy and desperate….a dead giveaway that you DO NOT HAVE OPTIONS.

Strike three. He’s clearly “not in her league“.

As for the “I/J” (or “Idiot/Jerk”), he *can* indeed get somewhere with women…usually the ones with LOW SELF ESTEEM.


Well, maybe the woman feels she doesn’t deserve a great man, so it’s her lot to “suffer“.

Or, if the feedback I’ve gotten from certain women holds true, at least she feels she can TRUST that what she sees is what she gets when a guy is openly an I/J.

Are you noticing what’s going on under the surface here?

Ultimately, why the “nice guy” loses has NOTHING to do with being “nice“.

The Difference Between “Nice” and “Mr Nice Guy”

Let me put what he said in my words to help us both understand better.

#1. Having a sexual agenda with women and afraid to show it because of shame.

Nice guys try to hide it but women (who you are attracted to ) see right through it. This also implies trying to hide your masculinity around them too.

#2. Trying to impress women is one thing and yes it’s terrible for attraction, but actually believing that this tactic will eventually work.

Nice guys are always out to “give her a better life” which is fine AFTER she is feeling it for you and you’re in a healthy balanced relationship BUT for women, the only impression you leave on them is you feel like you’re not good enough for her and have to CONVINCE her to feel something.

Again, on top of all that doing it over and over again with every woman you’re attracted to and believing it has to work sooner or later and how it’s her fault that it’s not working.

#3. The nice guy image is normally seen by women as needy or desperate… A guy with no options and low self-esteem.

The last one says it all.

When she says, “He’s nice but I’m just not feeling it for him.” simply means one or more of the following things:

She believes you’re needy, desperate, have low self-esteem, no confidence, place little value on yourself.

As a friend that’s fine because once in while, she will feel one or more of those also and can relate to it. She also doesn’t mind because you’re a nice guy who respects her and her boundaries.

You get labeled the nice guy but she isn’t feeling attracted to you therefore it’s easy to assume it’s because you’re nice when in fact, as I stated earlier. “Being nice has little or nothing to do with attraction.”

Woman Approach

Nice Guys Are Selfish…

The next block quote is both scary and truthful and it can hurt BUT it’s all too real and explain exactly why women are not attracted to nice guys. John Alexander, although primarily out of the attraction game as far as I know, is always upfront.

Being a “Nice Guy” with women doesn’t work, not because you get too caught up in what a girl wants and get stuck as a friend, but because Nice Guys are typically very, very…


That’s right. When you’re a “Nice Guy,” you’re not really being nice, you’re being EMOTIONALLY GREEDY.

Let me explain…

One of the biggest problems guys who are struggling with women face is something I like to call “the Nice Guy factor.“

So many guys have such a weak identity and so little self-esteem, that they base their own self-worth on what other people THINK OF THEM.

These guys are at the mercy of everyone else in their lives, so they try their best to please the people around them, hoping they’ll continue to think highly of them, so they can feel good about themselves.

That’s not so bad, right?

It feels good when others approve of you, doesn’t it?

Most people look at this behavior and would instantly categorize these poor men in the “Nice Guys” column.

After all, they’re the ones who don’t like conflict.

They’re the ones who don’t want to make waves.

They’re the ones who want everyone to be happy.

They are also some of the most selfish people on the planet.

Seriously. I know this because I used to be one of these people, and I know all their dirty little secrets!

And the point of this IS is to make everyone who thinks of themselves as “nice” or as a “victim” really, really pissed off!!!

All of you “Nice Guys” out there reading this are nothing more than “people pleasers.”

Somewhere in your life, you found out that pleasing people is a way to get other people to like you and admire you so you can feel good about yourself.

Whether it was the acclaim of your parents, or the acceptance of your friends, somewhere in your time on this planet YOU LEARNED to feel good based on what other people think of you.

But I’m here to tell you that using other people’s feelings and goodwill like that is not only harmful, but dishonest!

Anyone who says “I can’t stand conflict!” or “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all!” should do us all a favor and move to the planet “Ideal” where life is wonderful, we all have transparent heads, and there is no war.

Only on this planet will you be able to find that everyone is willing to give you the moral support you need.

But that’s the crux of the issue right there. All you “Nice Guys” have a losing mentality about your need for support.

Your methodology is: “I am so loving and giving and nice, I expect you to treat me the exact same way as I treat you!”

Here is the typical thought process of Nice Guys:

“Don’t disagree with me! It’s not fair because I do so much for you!!!”

“Please be sympathetic and comfort me when I’m upset! I’m needy and can’t comfort myself.”

“Always be in a good mood. I am always trying to make you happy and if I can’t, I feel ashamed and mad at you!”

“Pay attention to me when I need it! I’ve earned it after all I’ve done for you!!!!”

“Take care of me by doing what I’m afraid to do! I take care of you, so you need to return the favor!!!!”

Do You Suffer From the Nice Guy Syndrome? Damaging Your Self Respect

According to John above, nice guys are generally selfish (in a bad way) and feel the world owes them something because they’re playing fair or acting nice.

How nice guys are more interested in pleasing others for the wrong reasons and a big part of their deal is “being accepted”.

How his thought process is based on a fair world where nice guys win out over the jerks. How unfair women are because they’re not attracted to nice guys as if they have some magic control over what they feel.

You keep proving to yourself over and over and OVER again that NICE DOESN’T WORK.

By the way, I love it when guys write in to me and say “I don’t want to use the things you teach because I don’t like the idea of MANIPULATING women”.

Then I ask “Do you buy women dinner, or take them out?”.

Of course, the answer is always “Yes”.

I ask “Why?”.

But I already know the answer…


Why Being Too Nice To Women And Not Understanding Attraction Hurts

Let’s take this one big step further….


Being Nice Has Little to Do With Attraction

How do YOU experience attraction?

What does it for YOU?

Do you have any control over it?

When you first see a woman you know it, don’t you. She either does it for you or not. If she falls somewhere in the maybe section it’s normally a sexual thing.

Would you or wouldn’t you implies you’re making a conscious to decision to sleep with her despite your initial gut reaction to her looks.

Imagine or think back to the last woman you saw but had no interaction with and you found yourself attracted to her physical beauty. Yes, pictures do count.

My point is, YOU FELT IT despite knowing who she was personally. She could be anyone from the nicest person in the world to the scariest bitch you have ever met. It doesn’t seem to matter.

Understand that women experience attraction in a slightly different way. Sure they are a little visually stimulated but are far less to act on visuals alone even if it’s masturbation.

They may not be overwhelmed by your looks but they will sense or assume your confidence.

They will feel or experience your body language.

They will and can become attracted to you without you even saying a word.

This happens very quickly and she knows in a short period (normally) if she’s feeling it.

They’ll notice how you interact with other people and instantly predict your social status.

And all that happens without any contact at all. It’s the unspoken spark that brings some people together.

Just like it happened to you also means she doesn’t know a thing about you.

So unless your behavior is absurd, loud, rude, or blatantly asinine, she felt it AND she has no idea if you’re a nice guy or not…

Because being nice has little or nothing to with attraction.

Like above, if you’re displaying all signs (socially, body language, style) which trigger her needy nice guy radar she will NOT instantly feel it.

Attraction has a purpose and it’s to bring people together through instinct alone.

What happens after that just adds another level to it and it’s usually when things get a little more complicated.

It’s either amplified, delayed, destroyed, or forgotten based on many factors and IF you manage to create attraction from afar, BUT you display all the nice guy traits which were brought up today to a woman you’re feeling attracted to… destroyed or forgotten will come next.

Is all this bad news?

Does it mean that if you’re a nice guy you’re destined to be alone, settle, or not have a chance of being with a woman you’re seriously attracted to?

Not a chance. Absolutely not!


What You CAN Do About Changing The Nice Guy Problem to Attract Her…

1.You need to categorize your niceness like we did today. Being nice must be changed to “good and real”. You’re now A REAL GUY WHO HAPPENS TO BE GOOD. It is a definition and the character traits women respond to the most. REAL – GUY – GOOD.
2.Change your perspective by finding, eliminating, and reconstructing your limited belief system. Your belief system is based on your old nice guy ways and to clean it up, you must make a new attractive one. This will also benefit you in all areas of your life.
3.Alter your perception of how the world really works. Let’s face it, it’s not a nice place to live some of the time but you must admit, when you look for it, there are countless GOOD people doing GOOD things we ALL benefit from AND they are not looking for something in return in the normal sense. (We’re all selfish in a way because that’s how we’re designed to survive.) Read how I changed my perspective on my About Peter White page.
4.Learn how attraction works and how it’s communicated after the first few seconds and on into the nights, weeks, months or years after. The exact definition and what it means to you and what it means to women. OUTBOUND LINK to the best ATTRACTION EBOOK ever created: Attraction Isn’t A Choice – How to use “secret communication and sexual body language to attract women.
5.Work on yourself to reverse what your “nice ways” are NOT doing to women. You can’t manipulate her feelings by acting nice. You can not plead, beg, or talk ANY woman in to feeling attracted to you. Attraction now becomes aside effect and a natural process which is instinctively ingrained in ALL of us including women. Don’t forget to read through all my Nice Guy Tips and leave comments when it occurs to you.
6.Since your niceness has little to do with it, understand women actually DO WANT GUYS WHO ARE NICE. Just not the definition listed today or the bad rap the term “nice guys” have been given. Which is why we intend to change our view of what the nice guy really is. They feel it for decent REAL men who do the opposite of what the modern-day nice guy represents. You don’t have to change your morals AND you must still be GOOD if you want a strong healthy relationship.
7.Apply “Bad Boy Formulas TM” into the areas of your life which may be failing with women consistently. This is where you add EDGE to yourself and your personality. This is not required but helpful early on because you’ll get more options and gain some communication skills and possibly sexual experience which can alleviate a nice guy problems known as “urgency”. Urgency is how it feels when you do things because quicker and emotionally respond to a certain woman because you feel you’re going to lose her or some other guy will get her first or take her away from you. (Link above is an outbound link to a video by Carlos Xuma and the only program designed to teach you HOW to add an attractive edge to your personality. It is NOT a course on attraction itself.)
8.Apply a set of MAN RULES in your life to live by and to help you make better decisions. When you have a solid plan in place to turn to, you’ll find it much easier to deal with many forms of successes and problems.
9. Find and meet NEW women so you can apply your new skills and re-introduce your exciting personality and communication style. This can be applied at any time as long as you understand and admit some of your early interactions might have to be forgotten or screwed up. It’s a learning process and this step is necessary. I suggest you look into my girlfriend steps below under Step 3. Develop A Social Life, Get Involved, Give Something Back Women Do Want to help get you started.
10.Choose whether you want to date casually for an extended period of time or Find A Girlfriend quickly by applying ALL the steps and advice above immediately. My suggestion is to date casually for a while. If you get in a relationship too quickly before you’re ready you will revert back and you might not see it happen. When and if the relationship falls apart, you’ll have to start all over again. Delay commitment until YOU ARE READY. Don’t commit just because of her.

The Nice Guy Conclusion and Exclusions…

Thank you for joining reading and hopefully applying some or all of what you read today.

DiaLteG TM was originally created to pass on my journey and experiences to help out guys like me and get them headed on a more attractive path.

Don’t forget to visit your FREE ATTRACTION REPORTS PAGE here –> Members of DiaLteG TM – Welcome and Free Attraction Report Page.

* Don’t forget to LIKE DiaLteG TM FAcebook and follow it so you don’t miss out on anything and I also send some helpful tips from time to time. The truth is, the more that follow, the more I pay attention and the more we can ALL get from it. The other way to make sure you get as much advice as possible is to FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @peterwhite125. Use the #niceguyapproach or #peterwhite125 to help boost DiaLTeG TM, the nice guy approach and all that it stands for… Smart ideas for turning nice guys into real good guys otherwise known as more attractive men.

Thanks again,

Peter White


Here are some articles chosen specifically for this “Nice Guy” page and I HIGHLY SUGGEST you read them all:

Bad Boy Articles:

The Jerk, The Bad Boy, The Player, & A Nice Guy, Tools Of Attraction?
Letting Out Your Inner Jerk to Become More Successful With Women
You’re Such A Jerk Pete! 7 Reasons to Hate Me?
Why She Says You’re Too Nice and Not Her Type – Sexy Guy With A Life
Men and Women Choose! The Nice Guy or The Jerk?
Pete White Asks Carlos Xuma Part 2 – Bad Boys, Jerks, and Nice Approval
Do You Often Wonder Why Women Seem to be Attracted to Jerks?
How to Use His “Bad Boy” Ways to Nicely Attract More Women
Will She Have Sex With The Jerk or You? Playing a Nice Hard To Get

Nice Guy Articles:

Raising Hope Takes Her Off The Pedestal – A Nice Guy Lesson In Attraction
Are You A Man or A Wussy?
4 Answers To My Personality Test, “Are You A Man or a Wussy?” Part Two
One Woman, A Nice Guy, and A Jerk – A Life Changing Relationship
The Continued Story Of A Nice Guy, A Woman, and the Jerk Who Got Her
My Secret To Not Boring Women And Communicating Excitement
How The Nice Guy Kills Attraction – Peter White Interviews Carlos Xuma
Nice Guy: I’m Tired of Being a Loser With Women
Enough of Nice Guys and Bad Boys, What about Bad Girls?
9 Questions Us Nice Guys Must Ask To See If We’re Creeping Women Out
Understanding Why Nice Guys Fail With Women?
Nice Guy or Not? The Friend’s Zone and Flawed Thinking
When Nice Guys Need Strong Assertive Advice on Attraction
Nice Guy Law Number 2 – Being Nice Has Little to do With Attraction
Nice Guy Law 3 – The First Move – How to Read Sexual Communication
A Nice Guy New Year! Make Your List, Lose The Excuses, Get Results!
How Far Have You Gone To Attract Women Only To Be Rejected?
You Want To Attract Her? Start By Changing How You Define Being Nice


Past and Present Praises and YOUR Support…

I have benefited hugely from your newsletter. It now no longer applies to me 🙂 thanks!

When i think about how i have been in the friend zone this past years it makes me sick. Since i hooked up to you, i have really changed. I now know how to get out of the friend zone and how not to get in in the first place. But i want to keep improving to the highest point and become the guy that NATURALLY attracts women.

Your tips have been helpful and I am seeing positive changes with my friend that I want as a girlfriend.

First of all thank you very much for your reply. You’re very smart and the things you noticed, I have never noticed about myself.

Hi Pete, I hope you can give me a bit of advice. I feel you can because of your excellent advice given on your website.

Every time I read one of your letters I seem to feel better about coming out of the friend zone with women.

Your help was invaluable. It totally transformed the way I deal with women and it has really worked. You have my utmost gratitude.” –Darren

Thank you so much for sharing this invaluable information of your life experiences and the resources you have to make me a better me. I feel as though your emails are not automated messages and that is awesome. I am 23 and trying everything I can to break this cycle of the “friend zone” self placement(…) Thanks again for your coaching and advice.

(…)After the haircut I realized for the first time how attractive I could be and it motivated me to overhaul my entire look, wardrobe, care products and all.  A simple haircut can make an unbelievable difference. You can use this as a testimonial(…)I know this works and I’ve done it even before you mentioned anything.—Paul

Dave here I like the way you communicate, it makes me think. I am what I call a thinker, meaning I am always consciously thinking about something, usually a project or a future project how to proceed about things. But for some reason I never put it use in my social life probably because I was raised to believe only “sluts” want sex and who wants a slut, right? Right now she is looking pretty good. LOL anyway You make me think in ways I haven’t before and it is making me feel better about many things I just wanted to say I am glad I accidentally ran across your site and to say Thank You and keep up the good work. If you want to feel free to use this letter. Thank You again your awesome and your teachings are also, Dave Allen

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