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Can a Woman Secretly Love a Man She Put in the Friend Zone?

in Friends Zone, Is She Interested
Is she hiding a love or an attraction from you? What is her secret?

T here is no doubt in my mind that women CAN find themselves loving a man secretly… But can she secretly love a guy she put in the friend’s zone? That answer will bring up a few more issues which must be dealt with first.

The friends zone is a place which is quite different when in dating, attraction, and love because it typically implies the guy is in love with the girl, and the girl has no romantic or sexual feelings for him.

So in order to answer this question fully, you, as a guy, must understand that if you feel a woman loves you secretly and that’s why she put you in the friends zone, OR if you trying to figure out if she’s hiding her attraction for you, then chances are…

She’s NOT secretly in love with you.

Otherwise you’d be someplace else which is not the friends zone.

However – there are plenty of circumstances or situations where a woman will hide her love for her a guy and by the time you’re doing reading this post – you will know them all.

It’s rare but some women will put a love interest in the friend’s zone for reasons which go beyond the, “I have no sexual feelings for him at all.”

Keeping it a secret is something different though and we’ll get into that part of it after.

She may not be ready for a relationship.

Women who put their career ahead of everything else in their life often put men in the friend’s zone because they don’t have time for a relationship. (Although they might re-think it all when the right guy comes along.)

She puts men in the friend’s zone that are strictly relationship material while enjoying casual sex with partners who are not. She’ll hook up with guys just because she assumes they’re not going to get clingy, needy, or they’re commitment phones.

They might good enough in bed (to satisfy her sexual needs) but are NOT marriage or relationship material. Sometimes this is conscious. Sometimes it’s not.

She may not love herself enough.

This type of woman often ends up in short-term destructive relationships. She doesn’t love herself enough to feel someone else could love her back. She always questioning herself and why someone else might like her so much.

She ends up opening up to men who will prove this to her. She will then put men who show her the most real affection into the friend’s zone and avoid looking deeper into it.

She may even think, “If he loves me – then what’s wrong with him.”

Her self-esteem and past experiences with men will play a big role in her dating and relationship life causing her to friend guys when she doesn’t feel good enough for them.

She’s not in touch with her feelings or better yet, how to act on them AND she claims she struggles reading men.

This type of woman often misreads many clues or hints a man gives that he wants for more than just a friendship.

She unknowingly puts him on the friend’s zone because she actually believes he doesn’t like her that way.

When we wait too long without advancing or showing we’re even remotely interested in more she’ll do it to possibly spare the heartache or assume we don’t like her back.

Waiting too long and entering the friendship can easily lead us to become such good friends with her – she doesn’t want to ruin the friendship you’ve created.

Often at this point though, she’s feeling little or no attraction at all making it even easier on her to choose “just friends”.

Is every woman mentioned above keeping a secret?

Of course not…

But to a guy who doesn’t understand women and attraction it just feels like she’s keeping a secret.

  • Case 1 – She’s not attracted to you but since you’ve made a connection with her you think she’s hiding it and is secretly in love with you – but she’s not.
  • Case 2 – She won’t allow herself to date a guy who is only relationship material. No secret there. She just refuses to hook up with guys who would be a good boyfriend.
  • Case 3 – She’s not allowing better men in her life and that’s not really secret. Her self-destructive relationship habits are causing it.
  • Case 4 – She missed the signs, we didn’t act on time, so the attraction went away and was replaced by strict comfort. It wasn’t a secret to her in the beginning but since the guy didn’t do anything, she threw him in the friends zone when the attraction for him went away. Anyone from the outside could see it happen so it wasn’t really a secret love.

Now for the secret stuff… when a woman will friend a guy and keep her love a real secret.

Keeping in mind this is normally not friends zone stuff. She might just happen to be friends with him through another or by chance. However she might keep her friend close (deeming it the friends zone), probably too close… just in case and because she’s actually in love with him.

The #1 reason a WOMAN will do this:

He’s married or in a committed relationship with another woman, possibly even her girlfriend.

She loves him without any doubt in her mind. He’s all she can think about. She may never reveal her secret to anyone, anywhere, or at any time but it’s there.

What makes it deeper and harder for her to get over is her secret is never revealed. The relationship is never played out and the mystery of what if remains strong causing her to fall even more deeply in love with him.

Add over-thinking and what if’s and you create a borderline obsession over her married or committed friend. I’ve seen it happen many times.

She’ll even wonder – if he’s doing this because of me. Is he happy with her? What if they break up? Why is he…..?

So yes.

If you’re asking this question – Can She Secretly Be In Love With Me? AND you’re seeing someone, married, possibly a live-in girlfriend and all the signs are there, then there’s more than a great chance she has feelings for you.

The last reason is only for the younger crowd…

Lots of younger girls will find themselves falling for a friend and keeping it a secret. Normally because they’re not sure if he likes her back. They’re not experienced enough yet to do something about it.

They may hide the secret for a while until it goes away.

Granted, it’s rare but it happens.

When you include “younger” people, high-schoolers, even first or second year college students, you’ll find these things happen more often than they will for an older crowd because of the lack of experience OR because she hasn’t fully grown into herself and may not have fully developed a high self-esteem.

And since… boys will be boys… they might be clueless that their friend of a friend or some chic’s been checking him out all along.

Let’s end this with a piece of real advice because I’m worried guys are coming to this post thinking their friend is secretly hiding a crush or love for them.

And knowing what I know and experienced about being in the friends zone – bad news here…

That girl you think is secretly in love with you is more than likely not feeling anything for you at all.

Yeah, I know that sucks to hear but it’s good to know because it needs to be handled immediately before you get trapped into the same old shit which took way too many years off my dating life.

Ask yourself and try to answer objectively by looking for all the clues you’ll find written here –> How to Tell If A Woman Is Interested In You.

It’s one of the best I’ve found and so posted it up for you.

Make sure you also go through this one: Is She Interested in You? Is She Attracted You? How Can You Tell? to help really help you out.

It will explore this attraction or secrecy problem from many points of view and is intended for “habitual” friend zoned guys.

If you need to know why girls put guys in the friends zone (when it’s not a secret love thing as mentioned in the article) then that’s a good thing because knowing will help you avoid it next time.

Here’s the post which will give you lots of signs to tell if you’re in the friends zone or not:

10 Clear Signs She Has Put You In Her Friends Zone & Does She Like You?

Thanks for stopping by today and I do hope you found the answer you were looking for. If you didn’t go ahead and leave a message below and I’ll see what I can do for you.

Sign up below and you can get advice, answers, and tips like this delivered at no charge of course.

About the author: Creator of the nice guy approach, why do guys, why do chics, and DiaLteG TM. Transformed from a nice guy kiss ass who wanted women to like me for “who I was” to an attractive “good guy” who knows what it takes to create attraction and succeed with women, dating, and relationships.

Please LIKE or SHARE my Facebook fan pages: Why Do Chics…? | DiaLteG TM OR JOIN the best group on women at Why Do Chics…?. Find and follow me on Twitter – Peter White.

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9 comments… add one
  • Francesco

    She hates herself, and she hates men all together. She’s been through many bad relationships and at first really wanted me, and then we had an argument. From that point on I was a friend, and she said she will never change it. Every now and then she says she likes me again, and then goes back to being a friend, and now she is reverting back to it again. I don’t know what is going on with her.

  • peter white

    Why would you want to be with a woman with so much hate and obvious issues in her life?

    Personally I would rather spend my time getting on with a woman who has her act together and less time figuring out another one’s personal problems.

  • Cami

    Hi Peter. I have recently discover your website and I am really impressed. I can tell that you understand women in another level and I am surprised with this topic, I feel identified.
    As a woman (25 year old), I put systematically guys into the friendzone. I am attractive and never had a serious long term relationship in my life.
    I do it because I am afraid of commitment, I am afraid of not meeting the expectations of a man in a long term relationship and then being dumped. But the main reason (and this is a new acknowledgement for me) is because It’s very difficult for me to get in touch with my feelings. I live in denial and when I finally admit to myself that I have feeling for someone… I can’t do anything about it. It’s hard for me to know exactly which are my real feelings for someone and because I am not sure and I don’t play with other people feelings I always choose to stay as friends without speaking about it

    • peter white

      Hi Cami,

      Thanks for sharing. I appreciate it.

      I can tell you, because I’m a man, our expectations are normally not as high as you might believe. All we need are a few things from a woman and we’re happy about it. Those tend to vary from man to man but there are some similar ones like trust, respect, attraction, and freedom with rules. Yeah figure that last one out. HAha!

      I can also tell you from experience that there are NO fake feelings. If you feel it, it’s real to you.

      You’re going to find it difficult to sort it all out until you take a few risks and see what happens. That’s how we get stronger. That’s how we learn to deal with our emotions. Trust you’ll get through it. Trust you’ll be strong enough to bounce back. If you wallow in it for too long, then get someone to help you through it who knows what they are doing.

      Start slowly, you don’t have to jump right into a long-term commitment with a guy. Take your time. Stop putting so much pressure on the possibility of a relationship and you might make it so much easier on yourself.

      One more thing Cami… from my experience with women, they feel a gut level quick attraction with some men BUT they rarely ever act on that. This means the deeper attraction, the more important one comes later and much more slowly. That to you simply means… you’re a woman and you’re not alone. Lots of women are not sure at first and it takes time for them to figure it all out in their head. Often that also means denial before admittance. Just lots of women use the denial stage and call it something else, “I wonder if he likes me” stage. 🙂

      Thanks for sharing and all the best to you,

      Pete

  • Sophie Hudson

    I am a woman and yes, I have put someone in the friend zone before.

    First of all: I was 16 at the time. We went to the same school since I was 12. I used to only see him in the hallway and always thought he was attractive. However, he was gay. In the summer when I was 15 we went on a school trip together and that’s when we meet and became best friends. Like actual best friends: texting everyday, sitting next to each other in class etc etc. After about 5 months, he told me he was doubting his sexuality and said it was because of me. I told him I didn’t know what to say and the subject became sort of a taboo. 2 months later, he told me he really really liked me. I didn’t know what to do. I loved him as a friend, but I assumed he was gay so I had no idea how to feel about him! I loved him so much as a person and he’s the best person I have ever met. But that’s also why I was afraid it wouldn’t work out: I was afraid that, in the end, he would still like men more and would leave me for another man. That’s why I told him I didn’t like him the way he liked me: I was too afraid I would lose him as a person all together and that I would get heartbroken, because he is seriously the best thing that happened to me.

    Now fast forward 2 years later.

    He’s still my best friend, and I still can’t imagine a life without him. We still talk everyday almost to the extent like we’re a married couple. In EVERY way he’s what I look for in a guy. He gives me happiness in no way anyone has ever done. In the meantime I had a boyfriend and flings, but they never worked out and I think it’s because my bff is always in the back of my head. He’s still unsure whether he’s gay or straight or bi by the way.

    Something hás changed though. I feel sexually attracted to him. Like, very attracted. I think about him all the time, and whenever something happens I wanna tell him. I have been feeling this way for about 2 months now but still haven’t told him. Deep down I’m still afraid to get heartbroken because he’s not sure about his sexuality, but at the same I just KNOW that he’s feeling the sexual tension too. We’re constantly playfully fighting, simply to touch each other, you know? But because I am so unsure whether it will work out, I don’t dare to tell him I like him more than friends. If however he will ever say to me, I like women over men, I will definitely tell him my secret!

    So yes, a woman can put a boy in the friend zone when actually loving him. Although I do have to say I’m not sure I REALLY loved him two years ago. But like I said, I do love him now, so don’t lose faith! But at the same time, wait and don’t push her into anything. That’s the biggest advice I can give you. If she says she doesn’t want you, she has a reason and you should respect even when you don’t know the real reason. She has to get over how that reason herself, without you pushing her. Besides, it’s actually a real turn off when men are pushing you or are desperate, trust me.

    Also at the same time, have fun and go on dates! It’s important you’re still looking and are available, plus it can make her jealous (again trust me, when he gives other girls a simple hug on their bday or whatever it literally hurts and burns inside) and that in turn can make her realize something!

    • Peter White

      Thanks for sharing Sophie.

  • Tom

    Thank you for this post. It struck a chord with me and I felt that I should share this.

    I will preface this by saying that I blame myself completely for this and am undeserving of any compassion – I just hope others will learn from this example.

    A few years ago I met a woman (we will call her Lisa) at work. We worked a project together and went really well – we exchanged numbers since the project required us to work together outside of the workplace. She was single and I was already in a committed relationship with Ally (we will call her Ally).

    We are creatures of habit, right? During our meetings, the team tends to sit in their regular spots. After our project, I noticed that she would sit next to me. Eventually it became her “regular” spot. It was great to work with her. Smaller projects were given and we just stuck together for the most part; we were very efficient and worked well together. We took our lunches and dinners (bigger projects) together and, under my assumption, thought that she was just genuinely being a nice person. We spent a lot of time together. I’ve never had a female friend like this so I reciprocated her kindness in full.

    Where it went downhill:

    Holidays rolled up and I bought her a gift as thanks for doing well and always helping me. She reciprocated with a gift as well to my surprise. This level of friendship continued to move forward, however, to the point where kind greetings and goodbyes became warm meetings (we saw each other often, both expected and unexpected meetings at different times and places) and lingering goodbyes with affectionate hugs.

    I don’t know why I didn’t notice that her hugs were just slightly longer with a squeeze at the end and that they happened every time we met. I didn’t notice that she would somehow find me and come up to me to talk. Or, how she grabbed my attention while I was busy working. How she laughed at everything I said. How she and I were always in sight of each other. The times I caught her looking at me and then away. How she complimented me (there was even an instance where she text-complimented me while I was walking to the office). The way she joined the table and lingered whenever I worked with another female co-worker. How we were just always together. This list goes on.

    It’s those little meetings, moments, time together, and texts throughout our friendship that started to distort our reality. The signs that women show that I completely missed and disregarded, she had them all. Honestly, looking back, I think I felt the same way without even realizing it. Denial is a powerful thing, isn’t it? There’s nothing there so why worry? I trust her and she trusts me – we have an understanding, or so I thought. I never thought it was weird and didn’t feel that there were issues – even so, it is what it is (call a spade a spade, right?)

    Rumors started spreading about us and I started to pick up on them; it felt strange the way people were treating me. It wasn’t bad or negative, just… a different feeling. I asked one of my colleagues and she confirmed that there were rumors about Lisa and I.

    I told Lisa and at first, she was a little irritated in that she felt we were professional and just really good friends; I agreed with her. I told her to forget about the rumors and we should just continue as we were. The next day though, she was completely different. She ignored me. I could tell this affected her so I asked to talk to her. No response. Texted her. “This is my friend – she needs my support,” I thought.

    After a day or so, she finally responded. I asked to meet with her so we could talk about it – she didn’t want to see anyone. She finally said okay and I went to her – she was crying at that point.

    I didn’t know what to do other than try to comfort her. She said that she needed some time alone away from me, specifically. I asked her if that was what she really wanted. She hesitated and told me she doesn’t know. We agreed on giving at least a week or so of just being away from each other.

    After that, we finally talked. She told me that she really missed me. I felt the same. At this point, I started to feel uneasy, but I was just glad that she was okay and that we are talking again. We decided to continue our friendship – the friendship should have ended here… really before anything even began… but this was it… no turning back.

    Being the idiot I was, we resumed our friendship and things were going well. Then it just stopped. Everything. We talked again after an extended absence and her final words were this: “I am sorry. I don’t want to take something that is not mine. If you weren’t with her,…maybe…”

    Being the bigger idiot, I just couldn’t understand why this was happening, but she did. She ended our friendship. I was selfish. Hurt. Broken. But I deserved it.

    After lots of soul searching and reading this, it makes sense. Rather, I have been subconsciously denying everything and this information really pulled it out of me.

    I didn’t see what I was doing to Ally or Lisa. Nothing “physical” happened and that’s the source of the issue – a lot of emtional things happened which is what this article is also showing us. We were in denial.

    I wanted to be the nice guy. The great friend. The great boyfriend. Someone everyone could lean on. You can’t do that – doing so will make everyone miserable. Losa was a great friend – too good of a friend.

    The lesson here is simple – some women will have a crush on you and some may even fall for you, regardless of whether you are single or taken. They don’t wake up and plan this, it just happens.

    Everyone is human. Everyone wants to love. Everyone wants to be loved. Stop being the knight and shining armor. Enough with trying to save the damsel in distress. Protect your heart. Protect your loved one’s heart. Listen to your gut feeling.

    She was secretly in love with me even though on the surface was painted with friendship. As I looked back, I was the same as her. The reality, though, is that it is not love; it was a void that she and I needed filled. It was the only way we could be close. We were foolish.

    I finally told myself that if I cared for her, I also have to let her go. We haven’t spoken since even while we worked in the same place.

    I will have to answer to fate and karma.

    Still…

    I’m sorry, Ally… I’m sorry, Lisa… truly, I’m sorry.

    • Peter White

      Thank you and thank you for sharing your story Tom. I’m sure lots of men and women will benefit from it. You have some great things to say. Hopefully now that you’ve gotten all out, you can move forward and continue to grow in a much more aware state of being. It’s a great place to be.

      Wishing you all the best,
      Pete

      • Tom

        Thanks, Pete. It was sobering to read this article and others on this blog.

        You are absolutely right on creating attraction with action rather than talking about it. She and I never addressed it verbally. We started to do more things and accepted it as the norm, almost as if we wanted to press into that tension emotionally and phsyically.

        I should clarify and expand a few things.

        She is introverted/shy but nice in general to everyone. Rumors started because people start seeing that we were going the extra mile for each other and that she clung on to me.

        The physical attraction and contact increased after the holidays: accidental touches and hand holding (blushing but never pulling away), multiple glances, playfulness, gifts, compliments, time spent alone (disguised as work). Small things like our knees touching when we sit next to each other or bigger things like hugging (the squeeze hug, full contact – yes, where you can feel it all) or opening up to each other. These things mostly happened when we were alone.

        I am ashamed of myself. I let myself slipped and thought, well, she wouldn’t do that so it’s fine. Frankly, I almost didn’t post anything because of it. This feeling sucks.

        Like you said, I hope both men and women can learn from this. The tools and information here are awesome and on point but can be devastating if you are doing what I did. Be aware of it or you’ll lose everything.

        There’s still so much that happened that I could keep going but I need to stop. Funny how an old wound, when opened up, can just flush out memories.

        Keep writing your blog and again, many thanks for this outlet.

        Cheers,
        Tom

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