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Two Big Reasons Why, As A Woman, You End Up In His Friends Zone

in For Women
Depressed because you’re in the friends zone?

This question about women who end in the friends zone can be complicated but I’m not so sure it has to be.

My point is view is this:

I will ONLY ever want a friendship IF I’m NOT feeling attracted to you.

I will put you in the friends zone if I am attracted to you BUT I have other choices and when we met you just didn’t seem to be at all interested in me OR you were actually dating another guy.

It would be easy to tell you about “deal-breakers” and awful personalities or you’re a complete drama-fest OR you have self-esteem issues but the more I thought about it, the more I concluded that…

We wouldn’t BE good friends if “deal-breakers” was the real problem. We might become casual acquaintances or see each other once in a while but it’s doubtful we’d end up hanging out or doing things together.

Semantics maybe, but for me ( and I’m sure for lots of other guys too ) we do NOT take becoming friends with women lightly. Something had to happen to draw us together such as liking the same things or finding ourselves talking deep into the night about our current views of the our world.

Then, in that case, what you saw a a real connection with possibly more… WE only felt kinship or someone who listens and believes in a lot of the things we do.

As a true “friendship” develops and you begin to feel more attracted, it just wasn’t happening for us.

Mostly for men… our attraction to a woman can be instantaneous. It happens in a flash.

We’re not thinking about it. We’re not deciding it. We’re not contemplating parts of your body and whether or not we’d be okay with them.


It just happens.

This is something I call “first stage attraction.”

So…. what goes for men: Why Are You In The Friends Zone? She Felt No Attraction For You also appears to be the absolute truth for you too.

Our first stage attraction is probably the most important thing to learn about men IF you want more choices OR…

If you finding yourself in the friends zone a lot OR…

Right now as you read this, that guy you’re friends with, who seems to hijack your mind, the one you can’t stop thinking about, who you can’t figure out whether he actually like you or not and it’s making your life complicated and LONG…

Do anything and everything you can to learn what really turns on men. What our real quick desires are and then apply them to your life. These are not strategies or tricks either…

Just better ways to present YOURSELF to the world of men so they’ll be more likely to feel an instant attraction to YOU.

So all bullshit aside…

The number 1 reason you end up in a guys friends zone is because he did not feel instantly attracted to you.

Okay. On the surface it sounds like you have no control over that for the same reasons I felt no woman would ever feel attracted to me, because I didn’t feel attractive.

Once I changed how I felt about myself AND it was validated I began to actually believe I WAS attractive and then a strange thing happened… other people kind of just assumed it.

Although validation can be argued let’s face it, no matter how great we feel about ourselves it doesn’t mean much if others aren’t there to prove it.

The levels at which that happens seems to be more important when we cross the lines to constantly looking for approval or doing everything just to feel validated which in turn makes us appear less attractive and is considered a “second stage attraction” thing for guys.


You meet this incredible guy. The meeting goes well so you offer your phone number and he accepts it. You’ve put him on a pedestal and naturally assume he’s going to be a real challenge.

Suddenly random thoughts begin to appear in your head and you start questioning YOUR every move against his every action.

Now you find yourself acting more out of fear and very little from the confident stance you felt just before you met him.

You stumble your words. You won’t let the conversation go stale so you eagerly break into asking him question after question about anything and everything. You manage to squeak out a joke or two by busting his ass and he laughs giving it right back to you.

Each time you feel his hand push slightly against your body. The clothes you are wearing rub up against your skin and your heart beats a little quicker. A slight warm chill runs from your toes to the top of your head and down again to your fingertips.

This wonderful meeting must end at some point. You know if he asks you to go somewhere that evening you will accept but he doesn’t and you leave hinting, “call me” along with a smile.

But he never does!!!

The next time you see him he is “priming” up another girl and you find out from a mutual friend that he left with her. Your heart sinks.

You’re pissed and at the same time, a little jealous.

You feel your self-esteem was just hammered but you pick yourself up and try to act like you don’t care.

That man above most likely knows, naturally, played or not, the steps behind meeting women and building a quick sexual relationship with them and IF he felt attracted to you, you’re NOT in his friends zone… you’re in his “let’s date and see what happens” zone.

But guess what?

Out of every man I have met in my life I would have to say only 1 to 10 out of a 100 can successfully do what that man did. What that means to you is your defenses, depending on your ability, actually can stop those other 90 to 99 men from ever getting close to you.

The truth is, those other men did NOT put you in the friends zone.

They just missed their chance which can be mostly their fault but I’ve found…

If you find yourself lingering, waiting, hoping, and at some point your fears stopped you from doing something at a pivotal time when it felt right…

He’s going to miss the point and believe HE had no chance with you anyways.

You’re actually NOT in his friends zone, he’s friends with you because he likes you, did like you, felt attracted to you BUT HE FAILED to ACT.

It’s clearly HIS responsibility to act but in a way it’s YUOR responsibility to make it easier on him to escalate with you physically.

I’m NOT saying to make yourself an easier lay.

I’m saying…

The number 2 reason you end up in the friends zone with certain men is because you didn’t believe in yourself enough at a critical step in your interaction with him.

Defenses are good but if you constantly play “keep away” because you don’t believe in yourself then you are NOT making it easy for guys to make their move.

All your fears, your doubts, your questions, your indecisiveness on how any one man might feel about you are often transferred to the guys you’re closest to, and the guys who might not be “so good” with women appear to feel it the most as YOU not wanting HIM.

When you meet a man who you feel has the characteristics you want in a man AND you feel attracted to him… Learn to skillfully guide him without leading on to him that’s what you’re doing or otherwise you could emasculate him making the problem much worse, because instead of being stuck in the friends zone with some guy, you’ll be dating a guy who actually chose to take a feminine role in the relationship.

The misfortunes which come with reason two is you find yourself constantly falling for men who just don’t get it and who don’t know how to get what they want, when it comes to women and relationships specifically.

My Nice Guy’s Approach to Attraction is for men but if you have a question about men yu want answers I’ve developed this just for you…Why Do Guys…? ” If you don’t understand him, you could miss out on who he really is.”

About the author: Creator of the nice guy approach, why do guys, why do chics, and DiaLteG TM. Transformed from a nice guy kiss ass who wanted women to like me for “who I was” to an attractive “good guy” who knows what it takes to create attraction and succeed with women, dating, and relationships.

Please visit all my pages: The Nice Guy Approach | The Approach | Why Do Guys…? | Why Do Chics…? OR Like my Facebook fan pages: Why Do Chics…? | DiaLteG TM OR JOIN the best group on women at Why Do Chics…?. Yes, I’m a very busy guy. 🙂 Oh… I almost forgot Twitter – Peter White.

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12 comments… add one
  • Maisy

    Thanks for sharing this! I have known this man for 4 years. First, as colleagues and later as friends sharing everything from personal feelings, hurts, dvds and even cars ;). He told me men and woman cannot be friends and that we’re friends because he likes me a lot. We both like each other very much, but he has his woman problems which he’s been honest with me about. recently he’s with this other woman, so i had to be honest with him that i was extremely upset, i was in the friend zone. He responded with the following email:

    “….This is an intense crazy situation with work and personalities and all that. And because its so intense its hard to stay objective, plus we all need loving and caring and physical contact and those things to sustain us. I’m sorry for the hurt I have caused you maisy, but i have tried to protect you (and me for that matter) because my situation is messy and you don’t need to be another part of that mess. you’re a lovely woman maisy, and i’m sorry if you feel hurt by the friend bench thing, but i’ve just tried to be honest with you and keep things on track as best I can. We are all human maisy, and I have my faults and weaknesses too, but I really do like and respect you a lot and hopefully one day we can just laugh this off…and I am VERY flattered that you find me worth liking, because quite often I don’t feel very likeable…”

    I still do like him and respect him but, I am not sure what to make of this email. Can you help me understand? Please!

  • Thanks for your question Maisy.

    It appears this man wrote so much because he genuinely values your friendship but I feel I could put his entire email into one sentence:

    “It’s not you, it’s me.”

    As a person and a man, I understand how hard it is to hurt someone you are close to. This is why he wrote so much rather than opting for the typical quote above. He obviously respects you and your relationship with him.

    Sadly though it does seem a friendship will be his only choice with you, for now. I won’t hide that from you. No matter how it is phrased, “It’s not you it’s me.” is just another way of telling someone, you feel no attraction towards them.

    Please understand though that every situation is unique and there are a small majority of people that opt for friendship even when they feel attraction. This could be the case. I don’t have enough information to go by. However I do know that you have revealed your feelings to him at a time when you experienced a little jealousy. Which is not always the best time.

    “If you do something to “let a man know how you feel” … but he isn’t open to the situation at that time, or he isn’t ATTRACTED to you, then it’s going to backfire.”

    Please let me know if I cleared up his email for you or if you have any other questions. Let’s talk Maisey.

  • maisy

    Hey Peter!
    Thanks. You know what?, YOU are SO right! I have been pondering on this email and coupled with recent developments and i agree with what you’ve said. I also know he is a confused man, who doesn’t know what he wants. He sent me an email late yesterday, saying he wasn’t happy and he’s feeling the worst ever in his life and feels like killing himself half the time (bla bla). That he’s girlfriend’s only activity is sex, and he can’t even have the space to study (he is doing an online masters course), or see his friends. I completely ignored the email for 24 hours (honestly, peter it wasn’t that i was angry, it was because i WAS stunned – he is an honest man, who protects all his friends and never discloses anything about his friends!! this is the first time he’s said such a thing about a friend, who happens to be more than just a friend) and then i sent a short note saying..”that’s so sad J, i would recommend professional counseling..” and he replied: “been thinking about that lately, Maisy, i am taking time off work and a break from all and will try to find myself a professional counsellor…” I responded with a joke about the weather and we had a good laugh. I love and respect myself, peter, and i guess that’s the first step to happiness so yeah, i agree with you that every situation is different and i just have to watch this closely. I have let go. He needs to find out what he wants, and i don’t think i can be of any help..Thankyou peter. I really appreciate your help. I will keep you posted through this blog or your personal email…cheers

  • Definitely keep me informed on your progress Maisy.

  • Paris

    I get the concept but how do I make him feel comfortable? what do I do or say without sounding like a porn star or am I supposed to sound like a porn star?

  • Thanks Paris.

    I wouldn’t recommend sounding like a porn star unless you are sexually involved and you are both into it.

    I’m assuming you really like this guy but you feel he lacks in the area of making the first move. So you want to make him feel more comfortably sexy around you. You either want to turn him on enough to bring out his natural sex drive, or get him to finally open up physically towards you.

    Men have attraction triggers, and they may differ from women, but they work the same. We have no control over them and we can only act or not act on them. We also have different triggers based on many many different things. For some it’s a vocal tone, a soft touch on the arm, a cute smile, etc… Finding out what he responds to can be nothing more than just listening and watching how he acts around other women. You don’t have to ask him directly what turns him on that way.

    Although in conversation you are more than free to casually bring up the subject of sex. Talk about a friend’s preferences and how they may be strange or even too normal. Try to stay away from your past experiences too much. This could scare a nice guy. The overly nice guys I have met often feel inadequate in bed because of their lack of experience. I felt the same way myself. If a woman brought up how this one guy really did it for her I felt pressured to live up to that. The pressure created fear and uncertainty in my ability. Therefore I failed to make a move on certain women because I felt I could not be good enough and eventually she would leave me for a better lay.

    When out in public. Stay close to him but don’t smother him. Find that balance. Just make sure when he’s ready and the timing’s is right, he won’t have to chase you down. Because he won’t. When I want a women to understand I’m ready, I make it clear but I do it subtlety. I open my body language, feel sexy in doing it, lean back, and relax. I never jump around. I make it easy to approach me and get real close to me.

    Okay…here’s small list to make him feel more comfortable being close to you:

    Brush off objects that may or may not exist on his body. (Close to sensual areas.)
    “Oooo you have something on your neck, I’ll get it for you. Hey, how did my hair get on your neck? Haha!” Fix his clothes without mentioning what you are doing. (And no they have to be messy. Just make it up.)

    Hug him before and after a meeting. Break that barrier between you. And when you pull back grab his hand softly and let it slowly slide from yours. Don’t look at him while the hands are touching. Turn away slowly allow him to feel your presence leaving his barrier. Turn away slowly and allow him to gaze at your touching hand, (turn and expose your wrist to him as you do it.) Let him notice the side curves of your body, and your neck. I have found that full face on face can intimidate some men, and honestly the side view of a woman’s body exposes her wonderfully exciting shape. And you do want to turn him on.

    Sit close to him and play games. Yes games which allow you to touch each other’s hands. Be sensual when you do it. Games are great for healthy competition and flirting, and they can have so many innuendos mixed in. They have a beginning but not necessarily an ending. Which means the ability to build attraction. Use the man’s so called tricks or games against him, such as fake palm reading, thumb wars, hand slapping for quickness. Whatever you choose the point is strong flirty hand on hand contact.

    What to say without sounding like a porn star?

    I’m assuming you are already close to a guy and you want to tease him with your words. I believe, from my own experiences in listening to dirty talk from women, it is exactly like good sex. Meaning foreplay can lead to hard fucking. So never go right into it. (We’re not talking about phone sex so there probably is real touching going on.) In this case how he is making you feel, avoiding the obvious, is what you should be whispering.

    “Oh baby when you touched me that way I felt a tingle run up my back.”
    “Mmmmm I didn’t think my nipples could get any harder but when I felt your hand run along my inner thigh…..Mmmmmmm!”
    “You do know if you kiss me that way one more time I might not be able to control myself.”

    The key here is to be vocal about what he is doing to you. That turns him on. It assures him what he is doing feels good for the both of you.

    Micheal Webb is an expert on sex. One of his many books is
    Dirty Talk Secrets. For a complete guide check it out. It will cost you some money, but if you want to get this skill down, it’s worth the investment.

    I hope I helped you out a little Paris, and if I din’t please don’t be afraid to let me know with some follow up questions. If you’re not sure what you are saying is working or you have something in mind you want to say, write it to me and I will have a look at it.

    Good luck Paris and again, thanks for the comment.

  • maisy

    Hi Peter,
    I promised to update you on situation since you helped give some insight into my situation over a month ago…;) Since then things have taken an unusual twist in my friendship with this guy whom i spoke about. At the time when we spoke he was with this other woman. One of the things you stressed was that
    ” he was not attracted to me”. I took that advice (and it kinda hurt, at first). Instead of telling him exactly how i felt because i had already made him feel uncomfortable by treating him bad, I emailed him a formal apology, saying if i had hurt him in any way, i was sincerely sorry and that things would be different from here on and i accepted that! He responded saying “life is complicated and difficult but after all is said and done, the good people you meet are very rare” and that i was definitely one of the rare ones. Since then, things have changed dramatically, he is now overly attracted to me, and he has actually said this on 3 occasions. I am cautious (maybe overly cautious, who knows?) because this other woman is still in his life. He initiates flirting with me by email in the guise of saying “I am bored, lets talk…” and goes on until he gets turned on so bad he calls me up…it’s been going on for weeks!!!. Maybe he is confused? But i know he is attracted to me. Why because he said things like, “you can turn me on, I know it, and like that so much, believe me” and ” you’re a very attractive woman” and “I can’t stop thinking about you these days”…To be honest, i don’t know what’s happening? Does he want me to make the first move? but I am staying away, and it’s hard because we still work togather on a project. I am also cautious because i don’t know what’s going on between him and this other woman. What do you think pete?

  • Great to hear from you again Maisey. I appreciate the update.

    Please take note everyone because there is some valuable information she has left us with…and that is the first step out of the friend’s zone will typically involve stepping back from the person you are attracted to. The man Maisey mentions didn’t show his real attraction for her until she mentions to him she’s okay with his choice. A bold move and I applaud you for it.

    Maisy…I don’t want to put this gentleman down for being who he is and I realize I do not know him at all, but I would like you to seriously ask yourself these short questions and answer them honestly with yourself:

    Do you want a man who is confused about what he really wants?
    Do you want a man who seems to only initiate the conversation when he appears bored, or uses boredom as an excuse to flirt with you?
    Do you want a man who may be using you as an excuse to leave this other woman?
    (It goes like this. Let’s say I am committed to one person and I want out, but I don’t want to be the bad guy. I don’t want to take responsibility for possibly cheating on her. If I can get another woman to make a move on me, it exonerates me. I don’t feel responsible. It was her fault. And if I enter a relationship with this new woman, I can always use that against her. And Real high quality men just don’t behave like this. )
    Do you want a man who acts negatively towards himself?

    I know. You’re attracted to him. You’ve invested a portion of your feelings towards him. He is attracted to you. You’ve proved that to yourself, to him, and to us all reading this.

    Here are some quoted sentences from you and him so far:
    “He told me men and woman cannot be friends and that we’re friends because he likes me a lot. ”
    ” I’m sorry for the hurt I have caused you maisy, but i have tried to protect you”
    “I am VERY flattered that you find me worth liking, because quite often I don’t feel very likeable”

    He’s confused – will his confusion just magically disappear when you begin to date?
    He has tried to protect your feelings – do you need to be protected from your inner self?
    He does not feel worthy of himself – Will you two enhance each other or will he need constant reassurance? Will you suddenly become his source of self-esteem?

    We all have problems Maisy and I have not met one perfect person in my life. I just feel you can do better for yourself right now but allowing this man to discover first who he is, what he really wants, and how much work he is willing to do for himself that allows him to grow. You can be his friend and help him if you wish, but you seem like a smart successful woman and I think it’s time you take advantage of who you are, and find men who look for enhancement not completion.

    I know you have more feelings on this for we have just opened up this new chapter. Feel free to write more and we will talk it out.

  • maisy

    Thanks to YOU, Peter!!!!!, You and your articles made me take a step attempting some practical exercises. I am lawyer by background so it’s like applying law to the facts and i do that all the time – except this is the first time (believe me) i tried it out for something that benefits me! And Peter, the more you talk the more i see that I AM having fun (i think) (lol). Over the weekend, my girlfriend and i were asking questions along these same lines and I figured i am going to “help” him find out who he is and WHAT he really wants. How? well, just ignore everything he is ONLY now saying and doing. If he really means it, well, come get me!!! and boy has HE got a lot of work to do! To be honest, taking that bold step to apologize for being so angry and letting go actually made me a much stronger person. I don’t think he is stupid, Peter, i think he has seen this and wants it, BUT nothing comes free and easy – that’s not to say i have less feelings for him now – except i think i am stronger, and i HAVE to be strong so he can find himself, until then, let me go on a dating spree! 😉

  • You’re more than welcome and enjoy that dating spree. 😉 It’s great to hear the good news. I can’t wait to hear more…

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