Okay, so I’ve known this guy for about two years now and we’ve always been really great friends. Good friends to the point where people assumed we were dating. Anyways, I realized a while ago that I had romantic feelings for him. I eventually got the guts to tell him and unfortunately he didn’t feel the same way. However, ever since then he’s become even more flirty and touchy feely. I’m trying really hard to move on and just get over it but it seem impossible. I still really want him in my life, he’s one of my best friends, but I don’t know if I should just give up or continue to hope for something to happen.
What should I do?
Hey Lauren, First let me say I really don’t believe in hope. It’s nice to be optimistic and maybe it’s just semantics, but to me “hope” makes it feel like we’ve given up doing something.
Almost like we feel helpless to change something and are now relying on luck from the universe. But that’s just me. 🙂
My suggestion to you would be to first find out or think about a few things:
Is he physically attracted to you?
Physical attraction is not entirely important for lots of men but since he’s become touchy and flirty with you, we need to know this.
You see when some guys find out a woman likes them they start to act more confident around them. Almost like they have something on her.
When you told him that you had romantic feelings for him in a way, you gave him higher status than you. You gave him a boost of confidence at least with you.
IF he is physically attracted to you then there’s a chance something is going to happen.
Is he generally good with women?
“There is one common theme on how you end up in the friends zone, no attraction. Emotional or physical. Explore the differences between men and women friendships and how they are not that different at all. Men will sleep with their friends and can develop feelings for a woman over time.” Two Big Reasons Why, As A Woman, You End Up In His Friends Zone
Guys who are “generally” good with women are less likely to give up a friendship.
They have more choices and can be more selective.
I’m not saying they’re all that selective, just that the options are there.
Now, if he IS attracted to you but he’s not good with women then I would just stay patient.
Stay his friend.
Remain close and sort of pretend nothing happened.
If he is attracted to you but he is generally really good with women then it’s more likely a friendship will all you will ever get.
If he is NOT attracted to you AND he is good with women, the odds of something happening will drastically reduce and if that’s the case, it’s best for you to immediately start looking elsewhere.
Okay. All that said, if you want a chance with him…
Refrain from telling him again you have feelings for him.
Trust me, this goes for women AND men… telling someone you have romantic feelings for them will never make the person feel attracted to you.
Chances are things have become awkward for both of you with regards to your friendship.
How awkward depends on how he handles it and what his real feelings are. Either way you must admit it has become a little strange just being around him.
Don’t go down that road again at least until he admits openly he feels the same way.
Make sure you are available and ready to date other men.
Go out. Get out. Find some suitable men you like and forget (as best as you can) that this ever happened.
Keep yourself busy and stop yourself from over-thinking his actions because it will not only drive you crazy, but it will stop you from wanting to see other men.
Pull back a little from the friendship. Don’t be drastic about it. Just pull away far enough so he notices but please don’t feel like you have to explain yourself to him.
If he asks, just say… “I’ve been busy. You know me 🙂 “
The way to get a guy to come to you and possibly realize he wants something more is as simple as luring him in to your challenge.
Luring him in is sort of a “seductress” move but when it comes to guys, we’re kind of drawn to the sex appeal of a woman. 😉
Challenge him by remaining unaffected by his denial of you. Brush it off. Sure it happened, you said some things, he heard it, but it’s NOT the end of you by any means whatsoever.
The mindset you want is,
“Hey I told you I had romantic feelings for you but that doesn’t mean I wanted a relationship. I still want you to DO something more. I still want to be courted a little. I still want to be the WOMAN and I still want you to BE the MAN. :p”
You see, to this guy he’s probably thinking you’re an instant relationship, right.
You’re already friends so that part is done. Once you add intimacy to the friendship you must admit it’s going to be hard to not want a commitment quicker than it probably should happen.
There needs to be a dating phase for all this to happen naturally. He must still feel like he has to win you over a little because that gives you a real value in his life.
A big problem of getting out of the “friend zone” is the “instant relationship” a guy feels like he’s getting into when he gets with a friend.
Don’t get me wrong, the NUMBER ONE OBSTACLE of getting out of the friends zone is having a gut level attraction for a friend. It needs to be there.
Another problem is… he knows you all too well.
Which means he might have privileged information about you and some of it may be “deal breakers” when it comes to relationships AND he might know your sexual history… for some men that’s hard to overcome.
Not impossible, just difficult.
I’m telling you all that because, I’d say from experience…
It’s tougher to get out of the friends zone (especially with a guy) than it is to usually just move on before you get too wrapped up in it all.
The choice of course is entirely yours (as you already know) to make and I will wish you all the best.
My tips for escaping the friends zone have never changed and is based on my worldly experience of being “just a friend” so I can honestly tell you this problem has been researched and tested to all my means.
Here is my three step program for getting out of the friends zone.
STEP 1: Distraction. Focus on yourself. Build yourself and objectively look at any and all problems you might have attracting and keeping men.
For the complete package I’m going to suggest you pick up Believe In Love by Evan Marc Katz.
STEP 2: Attraction. Learn everything about it. How it works. Why it works.
Practice the skills on others. Refine or “rinse and repeat as often as necessary.”
This too, will keep you even more distracted from your friend.
For guys I send them to the guy who taught me about it but that won’t help you – see what I’ve called his “alter ego” and that’s Christian Carter – Natural and Lasting Attraction.
STEP 3: Re-Introduction. The hardest step but this is where you begin to show your friend the new you without making it so obvious.
There’s no one out there that I know of who teaches this BUT most of it takes care of itself AFTER you fully accept step 1 and 2 into your life.
This is also where most guys just move on anyways because by now, they’re seeing new prospects and testing new waters. 😉
The idea is to “reintroduce” yourself to your friend in a new way in new surrounds so they can see and feel the change in a natural state.
Wishing you the best of luck for you and your friend and please, since DiaLteG TM is meant for guys 🙂 make sure you check out my Why Do Guys…? because it’s for women only.
Since the transition to making DiaLteG TM just for men I strongly encourage and suggest you take a good look at my “only for women” – “all about guys” website appropriately named Why Do Guys…?
You’ll find lots of great stuff on understanding men there.
Your second choice and a great opportunity would be to look at the articles at the approach I’ve written for women. The Approach – For Women Category.