First dates can give us peeks or looks into the attractive minds of nice men and women. While he's on his best behavior and she's putting up her best persona and pretty face; it's a perfect time to look a little deeper and learn something, new, exciting, and helpful too.
Recently that was me "listening in" and I'm going to share with you something I learned about being nice, what the definition really means, and how it can affect your success in dating women if you let it.
The nameless guy on the date I watched exclusively did everything in his power to "nicely" attract his date... unsuccessfully.
No call back. No attraction. She felt nothing for him. She smiled a lot and appreciated his attempt but since it went nowhere, the date ended gracefully.
The details of the date are not nearly important as what will be covered. However, at least give yourself a better chance by following the links below when you're done reading this post.
==> Build a better dating experience: Don't Pay For Her Attention! Fun Date Ideas & Better Dating Techniques and How To Act & Talk With A Woman On The First Date.
My goal is to change the definition of being nice so it fits appropriately and erases the stigma attached to it.
The nice guy and his actions can be good or bad depending on how you define him or how you feel about being one of them as it relates to attracting women.
The phrase "nice guys finish last" has been around a long time and transcends itself outside the dating world because of the limited belief connection often made to it as it relates to achieving success while sticking to the rules of the game which makes it morally, and ethically correct.
Ultimately, it's assumed the nice guy fails with women way more than the bad boy, the jerk, the player, etc, because he's too nice of a guy.
Which in part may be correct at times, but since being nice has little to do with creating attraction and those other men prove it, this can not be absolute truth.
There's so much more going on beneath the surface which needs to be explored OBJECTIVELY before the real truth can be found.
The quote below is a great place to begin:
"Being a "Nice Guy" with women doesn't work, not because you get too caught up in what a girl wants and get stuck as a friend, but because Nice Guys are typically very, very... SELFISH!
That's right. When you're a "Nice Guy," you're not really being nice, you're being EMOTIONALLY GREEDY. (...)
So many guys have such a weak identity and so little self-esteem, that they base their own self-worth on what other people THINK OF THEM.
These guys are at the mercy of everyone else in their lives, so they try their best to please the people around them, hoping they'll continue to think highly of them, so they can feel good about themselves. (...)
They are also some of the most selfish people on the planet."
The post (suggests) if we eliminate the bad parts we can instantly become a more attractive man naturally.
A new mindset can now be built by removing these items:
- Emotionally greedy.
- Caring what others think.
- Being overly selfish.
- Basing a self-worth on how others perceive.
- People pleasing attitude and...
- Approval seeking.
You should never have to advertise or prove to anyone, this includes any woman you're dating or wish to purse, that you're a good guy.
Think hard about this one.
When you're a decent person you'll generally do things, respects others, and maintain some sort of niceness to others to spare them harm, right?
If you feel the need to do then you're doing it for reasons beyond just being nice which were partly covered in the quote above.
It could be that you are emotional greedy, a people pleaser, and your worthiness or esteem is tied to others liking you.
This can mentally pain you to the point where you fight back passive-aggressively when someone accuses you of being something other than a nice guy.
You might also find yourself getting angry or upset with others who don't seem to want or care to subscribe to your belief system. You may feel the need to change them or explain to them how your ways are better and how they should change, not you.
It all has to go because it gets worse...
It's actually manipulative and women do not like or feel much attraction towards approval seekers and men who act this way.
You can give and give all you want but it won't trigger her attraction.
As a nice guy whose suffered myself from acting this way, you too will find success with women, dating, and entering healthy relationships impossible or on a consistent path of failures in life.
No more. Don't advertise your niceness. Just BE one of the good guys on whatever terms you want.
⊕ If you're not seeing the connection, being nice to women and attraction, read the article below and David DeAngelo will put it in a way that you will understand:
Above is the bad end of the spectrum of being nice and there's more to cover. It goes deep.
Luckily, the good news is that there's the other end of the spectrum too. You do get to maintain your goodness, keep your morals, and adhere to your personal view of ethics.
Let's now relate it more in your interactions with women.
Carlos Xuma compared it having a high value of yourself.
He says, "Approval seeking communicates low value."
Something extremely important in triggering attraction.
Scot says the more feminine a woman she is, the more she's going to respond powerfully to your masculinity and the bad end of the "nice guy routine" just won't make it happen... ever.
"We're here for, we create our own approval. We go out and forge our own path. We cut our own trail through this life.
And that's what it is to be a man. (...)
You can not walk up, approach, and for a lack of a better term, seduce a woman, with a shitty sense of your own internal value."
Create our own approval.
Forge a path all of our own.
What makes us a man, a real masculine man a woman can connect her femininity to, means to have a high value of ourselves and is unique to our goals and the desires we seek.
Regardless of the awareness of others.
Moving onward and upward...
Let's begin to alter the course and change not only the definition but what it really means to a good guy who GETS the girl of his dreams while still maintaining his attractive nice edge in the world.
Or for better terms:
To become a TYPE ONE - a guy who gets it, and therefore, gets the ladies too. A man lots of women physically seek each and everyday.
Unlike a TYPE TWO who doesn't get it and fights with his nice self while getting nowhere with women.
(Something I cover with women at why do guys.)
A new mindset. A new beginning.
"The world, including women, does not owe you anything just because you choose to be nice or play nice.
That's the next one.
You want to play by your rules. That's great. Make them your own. Remember to forge your own path in life.
However, you have no right or responsibility to push your beliefs on others unless asked or deemed to be appropriate.
Would you agree that is not what a real good guy would do? You wouldn't want it done to you, then don't do it to others.
Don't be a "pusher". Don't sell the "drug" of your better living unless, of course, it's appropriate or something you do as I do around here. You have the choice to click out and never have to read my shit again.
Get over your fears of confrontations.
Nice guys avoid confrontations all too often because they want people to like them. They're afraid to rock the boat.
Did you know you can still be a good guy and confront others on certain grounds where it's appropriate?
You can and you should because it says to others,
"Sure I RESPECT your opinion or lifestyle or choice or whatever but I maintain my status and wish your respect towards me."
Respect and context is key here.
As long as both are in place, you're still a great guy, but a more attractive man who is more respected by both men and women because you've eliminated your fears of confrontation.
It doesn't mean you're going to fight someone physically, it could happen but there's a far greater chance it won't and since it's not your intention or purpose, don't worry about it.
Speak your mind regardless of what others may think of you.
Your opinions matter and that doesn't have to change if you follow above and stop caring so much of what others think of you.
Everyone is given some type of voice so own up to yours.
Again, if you're pushing it others and moving back to the bad end of the spectrum, that's not going to work.
You actually must dig deep inside you and remove the idea that what others think of you actually matters because it doesn't unless you let it change you.
So what, that guy thinks you're an ass because of something you said and it pissed him off.
Who cares that some woman doesn't share your belief over something and she got upset with you.
This must end because a great guy doesn't let it get to him.
Don't let it get to you.
Stop being so accommodating to others when it's unnecessary, over the top, or because you're doing for the wrong reasons.
The wrong reasons would that are afraid you'll upset the other person, you want to be liked, you put others ahead of you, you feel if you don't step in and help all the time, you'll lose their friendship or piss them off.
A friend pleads with you to help him move and you couldn't fit it in your schedule. You tried but you don't have the free time on the day the help is needed.
Don't let it get to you. You can't help everyone all the time.
Doing so only means others have too many opportunities to take advantage of you kindness.
You'll lose respect and a confidence in yourself that you've been working hard for because you feel like you're letting them down.
You're going to have to start letting them down and to be okay with how it feels. Your kindness and willingness to help others must be kept in check, balanced, and reserved.
I'm not saying you're not allowed to offer assistance and do good things for others, what's important here is the WHY and WHAT and WHEN and if it fits for you.
You can still be a great guy and say NO once in a while or a lot more than you have in the past.
This obviously includes all your dates with women.
Asking questions like: "Can I kiss you?" - "Do you like me?" - "What do you want to do?" - "Are you okay?" is you trying to be overly accommodating to her needs because you so desperately want to be liked by her.
If you're constantly and annoyingly asking her, "Is everything okay?" you're doing more harm than good. It appears desperate and needy and upholds the OLD definition of why nice guys finish last.
BE the man. Lead the way.
Trust she can handle herself and let her because she'll like and respect you that much more for it.
A new definition and mindset of the nice guy versus the attractive one of the good guys.
Hopefully you can now see the difference and how it impacts and affects every part of your life.
Just BE a good or great guy and whether others get it, see it, or even care what you are fall into its own place in the universe.
When you do good things for the right reasons, when you follow your code of ethics, when you stick to your morals and maintain a high status and high value of yourself...
You are in fact a good guy and a much more naturally attractive one too!
You should NEVER FEEL that you have to advertise or PROVE to anyone, including the women you're dating or wish to purse and attract, that you're a good guy.
Remove the mental blocks that are holding you back which are listed above if this is real problem for you. You'll notice an immediate change in yourself.
You'll feel lighter, more confident, more aware, enlightened, and attractive.
And there you have it.
A NEW DEFIINTION.
Nice guy defined and transformed in to a good, no great guy who is clearly more attractive, sought out, and desired by women everywhere.
Opening up a world of creating attraction that can grow in to a amazing relationship too.
Thanks for stopping and giving me the opportunity to erase the stigma attached to nice guy and his apparent failure in the world. It doesn't have to be that and now if won't so lets keep up the campaign and see where it goes.
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Further your reading:
- Nice Guys Can Finish First When It comes To Attracting Women
- 17 Questions You Should Never Ask A Girl If You Want Her To Like You
- How The Average Guy Can Begin To Understand What Women Really Want
- Enough About Nice Guys and Bad Boys, What about Bad Girls?
- Why She Says You’re Too Nice and Not Her Type – Sexy Guy With A Life